Chapter 5: June

After his house party Greg had given some thought to his place in the contest between the cousins. Seth had left him in the middle of a local struggle he might have easily laughed off or walked away from if he had been back in St. George. He thought about jumping Evan in the bathroom at school. Greg even toyed with blowing them both at the same time just to see who could get off first. The bet's importance was quickly eclipsed by his father's new plans. Greg was hurt. It showed at school where he became withdrawn in class. After their first fight Greg simmered through Monday and then left for St. George Tuesday morning. John found a terse note when he went to the trailer so his sister Rose was prepared when Greg materialized at supper time. Greg fidgeted around his aunt and uncle's house for an hour and then retreated to Zoë's house as soon as he could.

Zoë's mother let him into the house with an appraising look that spoke of long experience with Greg and directed him to the family room. He found her at the computer when he tramped down the stairs. She glanced at him over her shoulder and then turned back to the computer and closed a window dramatically. "Well darn it all you just made me waste thirty-five minutes writing you a letter." She swung the chair around and held out her arms as she stood to greet him. Greg was wrapped in her soft flesh for a moment before she slapped him on the side of his head, pushed him away to demand an explanation for his unexpected presence and then drew him back for another hug. They were about the same height but she outweighed his 73 Kg by 20. Their friendship extended back to the third grade and she had been picking up the broken pieces of his life ever since he had wet himself accidentally in the back of the school bus on their way to Claybank. She told him to take off his coat and then she folded herself onto the couch and watched him expectantly. Greg began to talk.

She patiently listened to him until late in the night even though he knew she had to get up for school in the morning. It all came out; Going north to Bonner, the silence from his other friends in St. George, the cliquish high school, his father's avoiding memories of his mother, brother and sister, his father's sudden marriage that made him feel like Hamlet, and the mistake he had made with Seth. She interrupted him at that point to ask him what he thought his mistake had been. He had paused in confusion, thinking he had been clear. He had looked at her expectantly but her only response was to hug him and tell him to go back to his Aunt and Uncle's place because she needed to get some sleep.

Greg slept in till about 1:30 PM. His Aunt and Uncle were at work so he had the place to himself. He had a long shower and decided to go to the music store before heading over to the high school where he hoped to connect with his friends. When he left the store he did not think it was odd that he had picked up a capo and a Green Day book he thought Seth might like to work through. Seth was bored with the old songs in the books Greg had bought in Saskatoon. Walking the hallways of the school was strange. It should not have been. He had only been gone a little over four months and everyone knew he was going to come back. He thought about how quickly you can get disconnected. He finally found Allan in the crowd of students streaming out of the school. Allan used his cell phone to connect with Tim Gillard. Greg was struck again by the similarity between Tim and Evan Peterson. Greg put the months of long silence between them aside and hugged his friend. After that it was easier to imagine his life could still return to normal.

Tim, Allan and a few of the others celebrated Greg's return with a game of touch football on the lawn in front of the Assiniboia Legislature, then it was supper time and Greg knew he should see his aunt and uncle. There was talk of a party, but it was a school night and people had work to do. Tim drove Greg back to the school where he had left his car. They stood together beside the Mustang. Tim told Greg about Allan's new girlfriend, a girl Greg had slept with, and Tim said the parties were not the same without him. Greg teased him back and described Evan to him. He twisted the truth a little and made Evan Tim's clone and the parties laughable. Tim saw the guitar book in Greg's car and asked him if he was playing again. Greg mentioned Seth and Tim laughed calling Seth fresh meat. Greg lapsed into silence, his afternoon a sudden shambles.

His dad had phoned while he was out and his aunt Rose forced him to promise he would phone back. After supper Greg drove the brightly lit streets of St. George for an hour. He stopped at the Qu'Appelle Mall and wandered through the scattering of late night shoppers. He ordered a plate of Chinese food and picked at the food. It only served to depress him. Family groups and desperately bored adolescents Seth's age caught his eye and he came to understand that there were no answers for him in St. George. He returned to Zoë's house knowing he would be heading back to Bonner the next morning.

"I'm attracted to him, but it isn't right." It seemed to Greg that Zoë would approve of his restraint, as she had never approved of his abandon. She had sat him down, and made him listen to her winter tales of family and friends. After hearing about her aunt's medical troubles and her older sister's new baby, there were pictures, she ignored his growing restlessness and slowly explained the frustratingly slow progress on the school yearbook. Finally, when Greg was at his wit's end, she had asked him how he was feeling. After Tim's comment outside the school his thoughts had turned to Seth.

"Why, what is so wrong with it?"

"He's young and inexperience. I feel like I used him." This was difficult. This was a part of Greg's life rarely shared with his friend. She leaned forward and touched his cheek softly.

"Did you hurt this boy?" she said it softly. Greg sighed. He thought she saw him as an overenthusiastic boy with a tendency to bruise his knees or break his toys. He did not understand that he was Eros to her, playful and thoughtless and she knew when he put on his aspect he was a force of nature.

"I might have" he admitted in aggrieved voice "I don't know."

"What has he told you?" She sat back.

"Nothing I think"

"Are you actually listening to him?"

Perhaps not, thought Greg. "He afflicts me" Greg blurted out.

"What an odd thing to say Greg, how Biblical, how unlike you"

"It's been hard, you know? I've tried to get on since ... since the accident. Seth isn't part of that. He's this fresh kid, this really nice guy, who likes me, but he doesn't understand what happened. Well maybe he understands. His dad died." Greg paused for a breath "Now dad is rushing into this fucking marriage with his mother like..." he paused again helplessly.

"The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables?" Zoë contributed helpfully.

"Exactly! So I'm expected to just move on and Seth ... Seth takes their place. I can't handle it." Greg held his head.

"Do you feel good around him?"

"I need him. Oh I love him. It's just he is doing this insane thing and acts like they don't..."

"Whatever are you talking about? I mean your Seth." My Seth, thought Greg. There was silence for a while as Greg scanned back in his mind. When he spoke again his voice was low.

"He has a way of stumbling over things I'm sensitive about. Playing the guitar ... I do homework with him like I did ... I can tell he is so excited about coming to live with me. I could feel good around him Zoë." She suddenly returned to an earlier point.

"You have not been moving on Greg, you have to understand that."

"Christ that's all I have been doing since the accident, moving. First to my aunt and uncle's, then I followed dad to Bonner on the edge of nowhere Saskatchewan, and I'll trail after him now to I don't know where as part of his new family. It has been so hard to hold on."

Zoë paused and looked at him after that. Then she spoke quietly to him, "A Zen master sat before a young man who had come petitioning him to accept him as a student. He had traveled far to meet the master because word of his wisdom had spread to his distant country and the young man yearned for enlightenment. The master listened to the young man describe the path he had been following and the many teachers he had listened to before finding his way to the master. He nodded his approval for the young man's efforts and gestured to an empty tea cup on the table before reaching for the pot beside the brazier. The student was honored to be served by the master and lifted the cup carefully. The master began pouring the steaming tea into the rough bowl of the delicate cup and the young man flinched and looked up in surprise as the hot tea spilled over the lip and onto his fingers. Hesitantly he cautioned the master to stop pouring. The cup was full he said. The master paused and then placed the tea pot back beside the fire. When he turned back to the young man he replied, you are not yet ready to learn." Greg looked at Zoë blankly and she sighed. "Okay, so I'm not a Zen master. Greg, think about it, you're not living the way you're going. Take a chance. I'd like to see you really happy." Greg shook his head and looked at the fire. "I'm going to bed and you need to go back to Bonner in the morning and deal with things."

Greg returned to Bonner on Thursday. John only comment was that he might have brought the golf clubs back with him. Greg and his father settled down into a quiet truce. Debbie Patterson wisely let him brood in class. He wasn't rude to her. Somehow in his mind it wasn't her fault. Being drawn north to Bonner was his father's decision and he had never been consulted. He was still furious that once again his future was being decided for him. Greg's father had made it clear that if the Patterson's wanted to come it would happen. Seth's mom had left the decision in the hands of the University of Assiniboia Faculty of Graduate Studies. The weeks that followed left Greg tense. Greg suspected they would go to St. George anyway. His father was certainly optimistic.

Evan and Tyler teased him once about having to listen to his "mom" in class. They dropped it when they remembered he had lost his family so recently. Seth had it worse in the Middle Years room. He couldn't get his classmates to stop referring to Greg's father as either "your daddy" or "your mom's boyfriend". They were less sensitive to his feelings and despite John's awareness of the problem Seth found himself on detention frequently. John would retreat to his office to minimize the eighth grader's agony. Greg tried hard not to let his anger spill over on Seth and the two continued going back to Aspen to play with Alex and Mat. They both forgot their troubles in the music. The drives home were still pregnant with the erotic memories of their first drive home.

The trailer had grown warm in the early June heat. The Cox's had no air conditioning and he imagined Greg lying in the bed at night stripped to the waist, his chest slightly damp, waiting for the soothing cool of a northern summer night. Seth was in no hurry to go back to the school. He lingered in Greg's room puzzling out a way to close the breach with Greg. He returned to the picture of Greg and Hal. Maybe this all would have been easier if he could have dealt with the younger Greg in the picture. He wondered what Greg had been like. "You were like, what, fourteen here?" Younger Greg would have leveled the playing field here. Seth would not have felt so inexperienced. Greg at fourteen might have been less judgmental of his awkwardness. Young Greg had a nice smile, old Greg did not smile enough.

"More like thirteen" Greg was stretched out on his bed watching Seth. Seth had this way of pushing his cap back on his head. He never wore it squared or backwards. It made him seem young. He was bumping his crotch against the edge of the built in chest of drawers and his left foot rested on his right as he swayed slightly back and forth in thought. Greg imagined himself reaching over to scoop him back by the waist onto the bed just to feel his warmth and see him smile.

"So did you know he was gay then?"

"No" Or maybe he would stand behind Seth and pretend to study the picture over his shoulder. His groin would press lightly against Seth's cheeks as they swayed. He might slide a hand across Seth's stomach. He was a lean boy and there was no fat beneath the silk skin he had touched so long ago. His hand would move up onto Seth's chest as he enjoyed the scent of his body. Seth turned toward him, his eyes on the picture in his left hand. Greg blinked as Seth settled back against the drawers before crossing his legs. His right hand slid under his T-shirt as he scratched a spot below his armpit conveniently exposing an expanse of smooth skin. Seth you little poser, thought Greg; torn between admiring the swell of the boy's crotch and the soft eyelashes.

"Were his friends gay?"

"What do you mean? I never met very many of them. I guess most were. Some probably were straight."

"I mean did they seem gay?" Seth had stopped pretending to scratch and had now found something worth touching on his shoulder.

"You mean were they flaming queens or something? No, not around me; I know one guy like that ... drama queen. Actually, I don't even know if he was gay."

Seth finally met Greg's eyes with a slight smile. "So he might not have been gay, but he was really gay." He broke eye contact and went back to his study of the younger Greg. The eyes seemed so open. Seth shifted his attention to the older brother. Like the pictures on the walls at the school, the ones of the people who died, it was hard to relate to this face. When Seth looked at his dad's picture the pain all came back to him. He did not understand why Greg kept this picture close. It would have to be painful.

Seth knew Greg had his eyes on him. Being watched by Greg felt different than being stared at by Dean Wallace; he liked that Greg seemed unconscious of his fixation. It was a new feeling for Seth, being watched like that, it made him tingle. It made him feel special. Greg's eyes seemed to say he cared for Seth, yet he had never given Seth an explanation for why he would not even talk about what had happened between them. Greg was confusing. He turned away to put the picture carefully back on the top. He noticed a book that had fallen behind the lap top on Greg's desk and picked it up. Stephen King, Seth was not a big reader but he did find horror movies interesting: The Girl who Loved Tom Gordon. It was not too long. Seth showed the cover to Greg and asked, "Is this good?"

Greg was uncomfortable. He wished Seth would put Susan's book down. Seth flipped the book over and read the back cover. "Well, it's about this girl who gets lost and she has to take care of herself."

"So is some freak thing or pervert after her?"

"It's a bear."

"What happens? She gets it in the end doesn't she? Shoots an earring or something stupid; all his movies end like that." Greg had not read past the point where Susan and he had closed the book the night before she died. It had taken them so long to get there. "Is it any good?" Seth gave Greg his full attention.

"Yes, it's not that bad." He tried to say it lightly. He would never finish the book, Wikipedia it, or see the movie whenever King got around to making it. When, inevitably, he accidentally learned how it came out he would imagine he did not know.

"I'm still stuck for a book report for your dad and he is on my case about it. Mind if I borrow it?" Seth figured if Greg thought it was alright he should give it a try. He turned to the first page and read a paragraph. Nine year old girl; Seth was not sure about that, but it was as good a reason as any to delay leaving Greg's room and a part of Greg he could take with him when he did leave. He risked sitting on the bed and lay back where he could prop his head on Greg's crossed legs. He did not notice Greg's long silence.

It was like the time Seth had asked for Hal's guitar. Greg looked at Seth's profile as he scanned the text. He had curled the cover back over the spine taking possession of Susan's book. He could not bear to think that someone would learn how it ended when Susan never would. It was so unfair. Greg turned it over in his mind and found he could not explain that to Seth. It would be too hard and it was just a book. It was just one of many things Susan would never get to do, or that Greg could share with her. He cleared his throat, "yes." Seth looked perplexed by his words. "Yes you can have it." Seth nodded his head slightly in understanding. It was a small thing to Seth; he had already assumed it was his to borrow.

"I hope you can help me with the report. Your dad doesn't think much of my writing." Seth smiled at Greg and rolled over so he could rest a hand on Greg's leg.

"Sure" It was the only answer that came to mind. Seth's closeness and desire was overwhelming Greg and driving a wedge into the cracked armor he had drawn around him after the accident. "Hey" Seth waited expectantly "You should probably get back to the school. Your mother is going to be ready to go." Seth sighed and submitted to the inevitable.

Greg got up with him and followed him to the front door. After Seth had left, he paused to grab a drink from the fridge. But he did not feel like a drink. He slammed the door and headed back to his room. He needed to vent. He hesitated at the door to his room and considered first the guitar propped on its stand and then the computer. Zoë might be home, or she might be working after school. He could not remember what she had told him. Finally he turned to the bathroom and slammed the flimsy door shut. He looked at himself in the mirror then leaned on the counter as he fumbled with one hand to open his pants. He did not need any lubrication. He just began pumping.

It was always the same now; he did not know why he even tried. He would begin by thinking of his partners in St. George; the special ones, the ones of his most erotic intimate moments, girls and boys he had crushed over the last three years. As he brought himself closer it had to be the boy. Not the fresh before; not the first time Greg had allowed himself to be seduced in the basement of his home surrounded by other couples, not the first time he had penetrated Courtney or been taken by Will; but the changing moment that night in the car on the side of the highway when he had tasted Seth and heard Seth's heart beating through his trembling belly; the moment when Seth paused in his retreat and bent his head toward Greg's mouth for the first soft kiss. The moment when he cracked and something got through to him. The air seemed to rush out of his lungs when he came and he collapsed over the sink; Greg could not shake free.

The dishes and silver clinked in the silence of the small kitchen. John broke the two-week truce. With the start of June father and son had to discuss the future. "The house has been sold." Greg's pause was imperceptible before he continued to eat. John watched him slap some mashed potatoes on his plate before attacking the chicken.

"I thought you would keep it since you plan on bringing Seth and Debbie." Greg had difficulty keeping the bitterness from his voice. He absorbed himself in dissecting the breast.

"Well that would have been the economical thing to do, but I don't think it would have been good for any of us." Greg warmed a little at this. He glanced at his father before returning to his plate. "That house is our memories Greg. I, we, need a fresh start." they hadn't talked about the future much. "What would you like to do after next year Greg? Are we still talking about university?" It was still what he wanted to do. He and his friends talked about sharing an apartment near the St. George campus. Some of the plans were unrealistic. When he really considered it he wasn't sure they would be able to afford it. He told his father about the plan and waited for his reaction.

"That's what I would be thinking about too I guess. I'd rather see you in residence the first year. At least till you found your way around the classes." John really wanted him to stay at home, wherever that was. But he remembered how he had felt at eighteen and he was prepared to accept that his son would want his freedom. At least his one remaining child was not demanding to go to Medicine Hat and the main University of Assiniboia campus.

Having his father accept the idea that he would move out encouraged Greg to share his doubts. "I know I'm probably asking for a lot. I don't know how much money I can earn." Still residence seemed a little confining to him. He had seen the new towers on campus. He had a year to figure out how to convince his dad to go with an apartment. "I guess a residence might be okay" he conceded.

"I'll help you with that Greg. You need to be able to focus on doing well. I don't want you stressing things; particularly in your first year." Greg appreciated the reassurance. He sat back and looked at his father.

"How serious are you about the Patterson's?" Greg meant was this permanent. "I mean, why move in with her? You could just date each other like you are doing now." His father fiddled with his food a moment before replying.

"It hits you like that sometimes Greg. You don't feel cautious." He waved a hand as if it would capture his thought. "It feels right to me." He looked at his young son. "Don't you ever feel that way?" Greg did, but it unsettled him to think his father could act so passionately.

"So are you telling me you two are going to get married?" Greg didn't sound as critical about this as he had been. John found himself saying more than he might have thought wise.

"It doesn't matter to me. I guess I would wait to see how things work out down the road. Debbie wants to marry me. She thinks Seth would be upset by our just living together. She thinks he is pretty innocent." John gave his son a shrewd look to see how he would react to this. Greg kept his thoughts to himself. The silence dragged a bit so he couldn't resist saying something.

"Mom's always wanted to think their boys are sweet and innocent." He thought of his mother with a smile. John saw the smile and decided to open the door farther.

"Debbie said Cliff's mother used to tell him when he was sharing too much information. She said there were some things she was happier not knowing. I told her Mary wasn't like that. Your mom wanted to know everything. You know she went through your drawers. She even read Susan's journal."

"You talk about mom with her?" Greg was a little surprised.

"Sure Greg. Cliff and Mary are the silent partners in our relationship. They are going to be looking over our shoulders all the time. It helps me to understand what Seth's father was like." John said it quietly, but he was angry. Did Greg think that nineteen years of marriage simply evaporated when a partner died? The boy thought he was so shallow. "You obviously talk to Seth about Hal."

"Why do say that?" Greg knew he probably did. He worried about what Seth had said to his mother and what she might pass on to his dad.

"Seth asked me if Hal ever took you to parties." John smiled at Greg. Greg went back to eating. "I've seen you with Seth and Susan. You are a better big brother than Hal was Greg. You shouldn't feel bad about that."

"He had a lot going on. You don't understand." Hal had struggled with his personal life.

"Greg, I know Hal was gay. I'm not talking about his lifestyle or his parties. I just meant you and Sue never fought. You listened to her. You even helped her with her reading; and now you make time for Seth and his problems." Greg didn't know what to say. He choked on his chicken. "What? You think Hal kept that from his old man?" John enjoyed his moment. He hadn't been happy with it, but it was Hal. He looked at the rerun sitting across the table. Greg was so straight; he was all about the girls, he'd give John some grandchildren. He was a good looking kid and John had seen the little girls flirting with him; hopefully the grandchildren wouldn't be too soon.

"So Hal told you; about his being gay?"

"No, but you can read the signs." At first it had been his interests and then John had noticed Hal never talked about the women in his life. He had so many close male friendships. "Did he tell you?"

"Yes," John had thought as much. Greg idolized his brother. He would not have seen it for himself. It was good to know Greg had accepted his brother with all his limitations.

"Did mom know?" Greg couldn't imagine it.

"God bless her no. She wouldn't be good with that. I always thought I would let Hal tell her when he finally came home with ... well you get the picture." John laughed weakly.

Greg had met some of Hal's friends. Hal would have had to just tell her. "I think he did okay dad. It was always easier for me to connect with Susan." Susan and Seth, Greg didn't want to talk about them anymore.

Mr. Cox had just flipped open his Social studies binder to the assignment when his mother poked her head in the door to catch his attention. They exchanged a significant look and Greg's father tossed the binder back onto the table and went to have an inaudible exchange of words. Seth slumped deeper into his desk wishing himself out of the classroom. Nina Getty poked him in the back and he was aware that Nigel Switzer was eyeing him from across the room where the sevens sat. He avoided watching the two adults and began adding another guitar to the smudged cover of his duotang. "Look everyone, pull the Cree case study out and try not to burn the room down while I'm away." Seth sighed. Just a month ago he would have been relieved to have Cox leave the room. It was one of the advantages of having the principal for a teacher. Now it meant he would be forced to listen to the guys. He kept his eyes on the cover and added a few bars of notes next to his latest creation. Normally the class would have lapsed into quiet conversation but all he could hear was the rustling of paper and the odd whisper. Seth glanced at the door where his mother stood arms crossed. Her eyes showed no recognition as they passed over him. He opened to the assignment and stared at the words. Time dragged on. Finally Seth raised his hand.

"Yes Seth" his mother responded in the neutral teacher voice he had come to expect at school.

"May I go to the washroom please?" He responded in a similar tone. It was like a game they played for the benefit of the students and teachers. Seth had noticed Greg and his father did not play it. Greg actually called his father 'dad' in front of everyone. She paused as if to consider his ulterior motives and then gave him permission. He realized suddenly he would not miss this old building. It was going to be a relief not having his mother around all the time. Seth's footsteps echoed around the high ceilings of the entrance way as he thumped down the steps that led to the basement. The washrooms were in the far corner just past the furnace room door and the open area that served as the school's gym. It was not entirely fair to criticize Mr. Cox or the other teachers for turning a blind eye to the boy's activities. There were few enough people to supervise and trouble was not expected here in the basement where at worst a kindergarten student might soil her pants. Problems would happen in the newer restrooms where the high school boys read pornography and the high school girls cried.

Seth paused at the door, listening for the sounds of activity, before moving into the washroom. It had the rank smell of generations of boys. You could imagine the boys varnishing the old wood work around the porcelain with their inattentive movements. Or you could see it for yourself. Seth watched young Matthew Haley, Beth's brother, swing around momentarily to see who had intruded on his business. The urine arched onto the floor like a sprinkler before he recognized the benign Seth and swung back to the urinal. Seth had an impulse to slap Matthew on his bare butt. He had dropped his sweat pants down to his thighs. Matthew knew enough about masculine etiquette to finish his business in silence and was enough of a boy to cast sidelong glances at Seth as he eased his cock out at the urinal beside him. Seth had not come down to the restroom to relieve himself so much as he had needed to escape the claustrophobia of the middle year's classroom and his mother's eye. He shifted beside the small boy as he fingered himself before the flow began. Matthew hiked his pants up and left with a final glance at Seth's heavy penis.

Seth was zipping up when Dean Wallace surprised him. "Hey Patterson, what's up?" Seth shrugged a noncommittal answer. Dean was not a friend. Seth would have simply pushed past the older boy except he was self conscious and thought Dean would make a crack about washing his hands. He paused at the cracked sink before he left. Dean leaned against the wall and watched him. "You know Cox; do you think he will do it?"

"How should I know?"

"You hang out with him all the time now. Does he have a girlfriend? Hugh's brother said Cox is all over the chicks in Aspen." Seth was tired of being asked about Greg. There was no paper towel left so he shook his hands off before wiping them on his pants.