Chapter 8: Fools step in

As I drove to Jas's flat that Saturday evening I was having second thoughts, third thoughts and then fourth thoughts. There were two extremes in my deliberations, the most exciting extreme was that I would be making love with Jas again. At the other end of the pendulum's swing was the horrific thought that I may not be able to perform. In between were the rational and irrational arguments for and against helping Jas in her quest. So many arguments that I had arrived before a solution was reached and like a lamb to the slaughter I rang the bell.

It was the most strange of evenings. Most men go on a date with a lovely lady, hoping they are going to be lucky. On this date lucky was a given, in fact lucky was the whole purpose of the date. It nearly didn't happen. It could have been that I was nervous. After all I hadn't had sex in ten years, well not sex with another woman. I had dates, but there was no conclusion to the dates. The problem was Jas. I had never been able to get her out of my mind. Whenever the lady in my arms at that time was indicating that further adventures would be acceptable, my treacherous mind would bring out a picture of Jas! That would stop me in my tracks. I knew that I loved Jas, and always would, it was her lack of trust that had kept us apart, that and my anger.

We had dined well, Jas was a good cook, we relaxed and chatted, but I was unable to feel any anticipation of arousal before we went to bed. Why did I not feel eager? Possibly because this wasn't about making love, it was about making a baby. My mind was somehow detached, seeing this as a duty rather than a pleasure.

I went to the bathroom and undressed putting on a clean pair of boxers. I was still unsettled when I rejoined her in the bedroom. However Jas had seen to it that the scene for our encounter was perfect, the drapes were drawn and light came from flickering scented candles. The atmosphere was charged, she undressed simply, but so erotically, taking her dress and underwear off one by one then standing watching me watching her, the garment held by one hand at her side. Then she would just drop it uncaring, totally at odds with the careful tidy woman that she had been. When she was completely nude, she waited for me to enjoy her beauty, then glided to the bed and arranged herself on the pale green silk sheets. Again she paused allowing me the picture of the naked loveliness she painted, then smiling she lifted her arms to me wordlessly asking me to join her. I saw once again the woman I had fallen in love with as she welcomed me to lay with her. I kicked off the boxers and laid down gathering her in my arms, clasping her naked body to mine. The emotional jolt that went through me was a complete surprise. My face must have registered the shock, and I looked at Jas. Her eyes had opened wide. She must have felt it too. She searched my face as if she had never seen me before. Looking for answers, the answer I had, I didn't dare voice.

"Love me Tim. Please? Give me the child I want so much."

I was wrong when I described what we would do as 'sex'. It wasn't, we made Love. That first touch and the frisson that went through me as I took Jas in my arms. It was old, but new. I knew her body so well, yet wherever I touched or kissed her it was a new and exciting form I touched and kissed. Her breasts slick with our perspiration seemed to reach out to me, demanding my mouth and my mouth took her breasts, sucking and licking the globes and pinnacles. Her thighs spread wide to ease my way into her body. I positioned myself and pressed forward, she sighed happily, reaching down to guide me as I entered her. I may have thought sub-consciously that she seemed quite tight but very wet. Had that registered with me before? I couldn't remember, but other things I did recall. The way she would cross her legs behind mine locking her ankles urging me deeper into her body, that I did remember. Then the shaking of her head as she approached a climax, so familiar yet new. Somehow as I thrust in and out she worked her legs one at a time upwards I had to balance on one arm then the other as she completed the process of bring her legs up and over my shoulders, doubling her body up seeking to place my emission as deeply as possible. As she climaxed she cried.

"Tim! Tim!" I joined her in that rush to finish, emptying myself into her willing, eager womb.

We came down from our highs and automatically cuddled, kissing bruised lips, stroking wet thighs and flanks and breathing heavily into each others mouth, exchanging stale air one to the other, connecting with the very breath of our bodies. Jumbled recall of our loving before spontaneously brought words of love to my lips, but I choked them off. Jas placed pillows under her hips to raise her lower body.

"Got to make sure your love stays in there and gets to the right place." She looked at me, caressing my cheek. "Thank you Tim. I thought it may turn out to be very mechanical. You made it a loving experience."

"How could it not be? For just a short while the love came to the fore, soon the hurt will be back." I felt horrible about saying that, reminding her of the anger back then. But it did serve to prevent too many emotions from surfacing. Sorrow suffused her face.

"Is it still the same, Tim? Is the hurt still there?"

"I tell myself to forget, and for quite a lot of the time I do. Yet when I relax in the evenings, the heartache comes out of nowhere. The anger has mellowed though."

"I am so sorry, Tim. Almost every day I regret the actions I took. I tell myself to forget too, but every morning I wake up without you beside me, and I remember once more and cry a little." That got to me.

"You shouldn't do that Jas." Why did I say that? I woke up every morning and sadness enveloped me as I realised that Jas wasn't beside me. This was stupid, I got up.

"Where are you going?"

"I thought I would get back. Things to do." Jas looked disappointed.

"I was hoping you would spend the night with me."

"Jas. I can't. Too many memories, too much pain." She shook her head.

"Tim, if you allow the memories and pain to take over, they will always be in charge."

"Easy for you to say, Jas." I told her bitterly. "Remember! I was the one who came back to a home to find it just a house." Tears filled and overflowed her eyes, as I dressed and left.

I drove back to my flat slowly, not wanting to get anywhere in a hurry. Being somewhere meant making decisions, but I couldn't make decisions until I knew the questions being asked. When I did finally get home, I poured myself a whisky, a part of my mind telling me that if I found oblivion, then I wouldn't have to examine my actions, nor the conflict. Oblivion didn't arrive, I did review my actions, and didn't like what I found. It was half past eleven, but I phoned Jas anyway.