A Time of Purgatory
Copyright© 2009 by Texrep
Chapter 4: Tim gets a letter
I was usually out of the flat and on the road about seven in order to get my first call in early. The post, supposedly the morning post, didn't arrive until twelve-thirty or even later some days. So I would get to read any correspondence later in the evening after getting my paperwork done and cooking a meal. I picked up the mail and sorted it in my usual manner. One letter stood out and I sat down in shock, recognising Jas's handwriting immediately. I couldn't open it, not knowing what more hurt she was going to pile onto my shoulders. For a moment my thoughts considered simply throwing it away, unopened and unread. Putting it to one side I poured a glass of whisky. Sipping it slowly I relaxed, looking frequently at the letter as if the envelope alone could give me a clue as what it contained. Finally deciding that whatever she had to say, it wouldn't give me anymore unhappiness than I had experienced already, I opened the letter.
My Dearest Tim.
I hardly know how to start this letter, except to say that I have made a most disastrous mistake. The worst mistake of my life.
I left you, not because I had found someone else to love as I am told you supposed, but because I convinced myself that you were having an affair. I had a phone call telling me that you were having lunch with another woman, then you called me to say that your car had broken down and that you wouldn't be home that evening. My mind put the two together and I saw you sleeping with her. The thought crushed me. Why did I think that you were cheating? How could I believe that of you? I should have trusted you, the loving man I married. Instead I walked out on you.
All I can say in mitigation is that my father cheated on my mother, my uncle cheated on my aunt, and my brother on his wife. I had a family of cheats and was accustomed to men cheating. My mother and my brother's wife accepted their husband cheating, but I determined even before I met you that I would not put up with anything like that. You often wondered why I didn't have too much contact with my family, well that is the reason. I judged you without trial, and condemned you without evidence, based purely on how the males in my family behaved. I should have remembered you were not like them. You have to judge me now, and I am sure of the verdict. Guilty!
My reason for starting Divorce proceedings was aimed at resolving the situation. If we were divorced, then we could look at life anew. I didn't want to accuse you of anything, so my solicitor advised that I use irreconcilable differences. I know now that you could have opposed the suit, and made it difficult for me. It again reinforced my love that you didn't. Now I wish you had opposed, then I would have realised my stupid mistake earlier, and perhaps we wouldn't be where we find ourselves now. Looking back I can see that your not opposing the divorce should have told me that you still loved me. Was I blind during those months?
Darling Tim, I was completely unfair. I should have stayed and listened to you, then this terrible thing wouldn't have happened, and I would still be with the man I love, and will always love. I understand that my actions will have destroyed any chance for me irremediably. I accept that, but I had to tell you the truth, so that hopefully you will be able to put this behind you and find another woman to love and share your life. Whoever she is she will be a lucky woman.
Tim, I never stopped loving you even through my imagined hurt, and I never will. I have no chance of meeting another man to love, as none will ever compare to you. I am so very, very sorry for all that I have done. If you can ever forgive me, it is far more than I deserve.
Take care, my darling, I wish you well.
With my love, Jas
I sat there stunned and read the letter again. Three readings and I still could not get my head to believe what she was saying. There was no return address nor a number for me to call. My first thought was that by not giving me the option to get in contact that she didn't want to talk. Perhaps this was all a smokescreen, that she did indeed have someone else. The second thought denied that possibility. No Jas would never do that. Her honesty could never be doubted. Intelligent and scatterbrained in equal parts though she was, mendacity was not part of her psyche. Then something struck me and I read the second paragraph again. Somebody told Jas that I believed she had met someone else. I had only confided in a few people, so one of those few had been speaking to Jas. Who?
I did not discuss this with anyone for a few days. I really needed to get my mind straight about what I should do, or even if I should do anything. The further my thoughts took me, the angrier I got. My life had been destroyed by the woman I loved without reservation, because she couldn't be bothered to talk about her belief. It is strange how the mind will take the words of one, and twist them giving a malicious meaning that was never intended. Jas had not used the word 'bothered' but that was how my mind translated her explanation. That Jas had a family of cheats was immaterial I had known all about that, not from Jas but from her mother. She should have realised that I was not of their kind. Using that experience to tar me with the same brush with no opportunity to plead a case was hurtful in the extreme. Talking to Jas at this moment, even if I could have contacted her, would be dangerous as I knew that I wouldn't be able to control my anger and would explode at her. So I did nothing. There are times when nothing is the best thing to do. My ire was so directed at Jas, that the call she mentioned from someone who told her about the lunch had not registered with me at all.
I had a rare day in the office. With Mike on a two day leave It was down to me to field any calls that Pippa couldn't handle. It also gave me a chance catch up on any paperwork that needed completing. I couldn't understand why Pippa danced around me like a cat on hot bricks, coming into the office I used frequently to bring me coffee, and to see if everything was ok. As it got towards lunch, she suggested that we went to the 'Copper Kettle' where they did a good sandwich and salad bar.
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