"Fuck you, asshole! You fucking shithead. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you. Fuck you!"
OK, I admit this wasn't a very classy way to end things. On the other hand, how cheesy is it to find your boyfriend in bed with a little freshman twat? I knew I wasn't handling this very well and it really wasn't my finest moment, that's pretty obvious. Hurt. Angry. Betrayed. The whole world had fallen in on me. It was a crappy end to a crappy quarter. Day after day of snow. Grey skies. To say that matched my mood would be the understatement of the year. Boston in the winter is no picnic, let me tell you.
Bill. I thought I loved him. I really did. No, that's not true. I knew I loved him. I thought he loved me, but I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. He tried to explain while I shouted at him and the slut in his bed smirked.
"Kat, I'm sorry. It just happened. Kat, listen to me!"
"Fuck you, Bill."
I walked out. And kept walking. It was snowing. Freezing. Shit. Everything sucked. When I got to my apartment, there were already three messages from Bill. Two seconds into the first one, "Kathleen, Kat, listen, please. Don't delete this message," I stabbed the button to delete it. Deleted the next two messages without even listening to them.
Then I couldn't stop my tears. Couldn't sit up, couldn't stop shaking. Two hours later I opened my eyes, looked around. Silence. No phone. No lights. No answering machine. Power was out. My apartment was freezing.
Tears turned to fury. I couldn't believe this. What the fuck did I do? This wasn't my fault. I'm not a crybaby. I'm not a weakling, and I'm not stupid. Dean's List every quarter since freshman year. Shoo-in for Phi Beta Kappa. Mathematics major at the end of spring term. Already accepted at MIT for grad school, deferred for a semester. Even Stephen Fucking Hawking knows who I am, for Christ's sake.
Well, maybe that last one's a little bit of a stretch. Or not. Because every year for the last few years he's asked the head of our department, Professor James, to recommend someone to spend a semester as his assistant, and this year Professor James sent him my CV. Hawking hasn't responded yet, but he and Professor James go way back and Hawking always takes on whoever Professor James recommends.
I headed out to find a coffee shop with power. There was one in the next block, thank god. Ordered, sat down with my coffee, booted my laptop and opened my e-mail. A note from Samantha in California. We'd been friends in junior high school for a couple of years until my dad's work took my family to the east coast. We'd kept in touch, though, and saw each other a couple of summers when my parents agreed to let me attend a session at church camp in California. I smiled as I remembered some stuff from those visits. Shivered a little, too.
Hey TK —
Buddy and I are thinking about a quick spring break trip up to Napa. How about you and Bill join us for a couple of days?
I was always "TK" to Sam. It started on an overnight with her when we were playing with words and our names. Kathleen—Kat—Tak—TK. OK, kind of dorky, but Sam and her brother always called me that. No one else did. Talk about nicknames, everyone called Sam's brother "Buddy." No one ever used his real name, Peter.
Our break is March 16-30, and Buddy's friend Jim is coming with us.
Turned out Dad's company transferred him back to California during my freshman year, and my folks were willing to pay half my way to California at spring break each year if I wanted to come back. I sure as hell wasn't going to stay around here during break now that Bill and I were through.
You bet. Bill is history, but I'll be in San Francisco on the 17th. Say 'hi' to Buddy, will you?
I remembered Jim. He and Buddy were never apart in junior high school, it seemed like.
You OK? I want to hear about this. Jim's going to ride up on his bike. He says it's fine if you ride with him. Interested?
More than interested, I thought to myself. I'd been on a motorcycle once or twice. Scared shitless each time, to tell the truth, but in a good way. Well, thrilled is actually more like it. Felt a tingle just thinking about it. I could do this.
In the next two weeks Bill left a dozen messages on my machine. They all boiled down to the same thing: he didn't know how it happened, it didn't mean anything, he was sorry, and please, couldn't we talk about it.
I had my own second thoughts. Had I been unfair? I know I loved Bill. He meant the world to me, or so I had thought. We all make mistakes and I was smart enough and honest enough to admit I'd made my share, although nothing, I thought, as bad as this.
Then, just as I was thinking I'd been too hard on Bill, and on myself, I saw the little slut across the quad standing with her girlfriends. She turned and smiled as I passed by. It was all I could do to keep walking and not scratch her eyes out and rip her ears off.
Bill and I did have one short conversation at the student union over coffee. By then I was cold, stone cold. I felt nothing towards him although it took an effort of will to stay that way. He was earnest; he was desperate, even. If he'd had a little more polish, a little more integrity, he might have had a chance, a small chance, of persuading me to let him try again. That small chance disappeared when he tried to blame the twat for what happened.
"Kat, I didn't even want to."
Bullshit. Considering the way she'd had her legs wrapped around his butt and how he was hitting bottom on each stroke when I walked in, he sure looked like he wanted to.
"See you, Bill."
I knew it wasn't finished, of course, and the tears and the beer and the sleepless nights over the next week or so proved it. I was better when the day came to travel but I knew I wasn't over it.
I love San Francisco's cool, foggy mornings and the way the sun burns through later. Compared with the snow and ice I left behind in Boston, it was heaven. I staggered out of the gate to see Sam waving. That wasn't Buddy with her. It took me a second to recognize Jim.
He'd grown. We all had, of course, and I felt another little thrill as I looked him over. He was doing the same to me, I guess. Then Sam was hugging me, hard, and I was hugging her back.
"TK, I'm really glad you're here."
Rested my cheek against hers for a minute. I'm not a really big touchy-feely sort of person, but with Sam it was different. She held me some more and kissed my cheek. Smiled.
"Jim's glad to see you, too."
Jim hugged me hard enough to make me realize he'd been working out. Another tingle. Get a grip, I told myself. Easy. One step at a time. I was a little confused. I'm not a prude, far from it, but I wasn't necessarily expecting to get laid on this trip.
Shit, who am I kidding? Now I couldn't wait. Even if it was revenge sex, I didn't care.
"Hi, Jim. It's 'Kat, ' you know that."
"Sam, where's Buddy?"
"Circling. He'll be by in a minute or two."
I'm not sure I remember exactly when I figured out there was something more than brother-sister stuff going on between Sam and Peter. Sorry, I meant Buddy. In junior high school I think it was kind of a vibe, below my level of consciousness, not something serious enough to listen to. I remember wondering a little about some of their hugs, yeah, but I was innocent enough to think they were just very affectionate.
By the time I attended church camp with them one year I guess they trusted me enough to be open about it. To say I was floored would be an understatement. Sam and I had some long conversations about the whole thing. You can guess what they were, but finally I realized she and Buddy were serious about each other and they weren't hurting themselves or anyone else. I was maybe a little envious, even. Nothing like that was ever going to happen with my brother, I was sure of that.
Besides, I thought Buddy was pretty hot anyway, so I wasn't surprised that Sam did, too. The three of us did a little fooling around, about what you might expect. No harm to anyone, and we were just as good friends afterwards as we had been before. I didn't know much at all about Jim. He was just around, except not at church camp. I liked him, although nothing ever happened between us.
Buddy drove up then and we all hopped in his car and headed for Jim's apartment. Sam and Buddy already had everything they needed for the trip, so all I had to do was make sure I had a couple of things to carry with me on the back of Jim's bike. I handed over the rest for Buddy and Sam to take in their car.
Jim and I were standing in front of his house after Sam and Buddy had taken off. I'm not a car person, much less a motorcycle person, but Jim's bike looked pretty big to me. A Triumph Bonneville 650, he told me. It could have been a Wowza Zapper 130 for all I cared, but I kept my mouth shut. Guys care about these things, I know, and despite my tendency to shoot off my mouth I know when to keep quiet.
"Kat, you been on a bike before?"
I was thinking about my couple of rides with some guy who was trying to impress me freshman year.
"Yeah, a couple of times."
"OK, no sweat. You've got long pants and a jacket. Leather would be better, but what you've got is fine. Here's my extra helmet. Just put your feet on the rear pegs and your arms around me, and you'll be fine."
Arms around Jim? Sure, I could do that.
"Hang on tight!"
Jim moved his foot on the gear shift pedal to make sure the bike was in neutral, squeezed the clutch with his left hand, opened the choke all the way with his right thumb, and kicked the starter lever. The bike started immediately, Jim gunned the engine a couple of times, closed the choke, shook his head, let the clutch in, and we were off.
No, at the time I didn't have the faintest idea what the hell he was doing. He explained it all to me later, using various parts of my body to demonstrate as we lay nude in the shade outside our cabin. I especially liked the clever way he used his fingers to show me how to make sure the bike was in neutral. Small movements, but very precise ones.
In fact, right then all I was doing was hanging on to him and feeling his abs as I hugged him. This boy had been doing his crunches, I could tell.
Oh, and the other part? Oh, my. A bike is a pretty expensive vibrator, but, boy, does it ever work! I was feeling good before we even got on the freeway, and I was feeling even better by the time we arrived at the spa. Just a continuous humming, outside and inside. I was going to have to change my underwear when we got there, and I was pretty sure what I wanted after that.
I must have had a goofy look on my face by the time we pulled up to the main lodge. I almost stumbled as I swung my leg off, and Jim was off the bike in a flash and grabbed my elbow.
I kissed him. And again, to make sure I got it right.
Then I kissed him once more, to make sure he got the message. I think he did. I knew I had to bank my fire for a bit right then, but I would make it up to him later. We hugged, and then we joined Sam and Buddy inside to check in.
This was a clothing-optional resort and spa, no surprise in Napa, but the clothing-optional part applied mostly to the pools and hot tubs and saunas and the lawns around them. The cabins all had little private gardens, and no one cared what you wore or didn't wear there, of course. I was relieved to find out that clothing was required in the restaurants and lounges.
Our cabin had two king-size beds. No one had made any promises, and no one had any expectations, I think, at least as far as I was concerned anyway, but after thinking it over for about two seconds I decided I didn't care. In fact, I realized I did have expectations, or at least plans, for Jim, and maybe for Sam and Buddy, too.
"OK, guys, you two are on your own for a while. TK and I have massages scheduled. We'll see you later on."
With that, Sam and I headed over to a little pavilion right beside one of the smaller pools. Denise and Sandra met us there, smiling.
"Samantha and Kathleen, right?"
We didn't even give Denise and Sandra a chance to duck out while we undressed. Sam was taking her clothes off as she spoke, and I was right behind her. Sandra was arranging bottles of oil while Denise straightened the sheets on the two massage tables. Then she unrolled the semi-transparent gauze panels that formed the sides of the pavilion.
"Don't worry, no one can see anything inside, but we still have plenty of light and you can see out."
I lay there nude and warm, the faintest of breezes on my skin, Sandra's hands on me. Not sexual, but very sensual and a little arousing even so. I thought of Jim while Sandra worked, and when I turned over on my back my nipples were erect and I was damp, if not wet. Sandra was too professional to say anything, thank god.
I had my eyes shut and all I could hear was my heart beating. Everything quiet, soft, except for Sandra's fingers pressing everywhere, undoing knots, smoothing, letting all the tension out. Eventually Sandra and Denise finished with one last soft touch. I barely heard Sandra whisper as she left.
"Take all the time you need."
I was a puddle. I couldn't have moved if I'd wanted to. It was like after the best sex you can imagine, except nobody was sticky or sweaty or lying on top of me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Sometimes I like all three of those things, in fact.
After a minute or so I felt Sam's hand brush mine, and we linked fingers and lay there quietly for a little while. Clouds, blue sky, puppies, kittens—yes, I know, I like small cute furry creatures—one image after another went through my mind and I let the little parade of pictures come and go as I smiled and enjoyed them.
Then it was as though someone kicked the door open, turned on the lights, and started shouting. All I could think of was Bill and his little blonde slut and in a second I was angry again and my heart was pumping and I let out a strangled yelp.
That brought Sam to my side in a second.
"Easy, sweetie. Let's hit the pool for a minute and wake up a little."
We did that. I wasn't any calmer when we came out to lie in the grass a little ways up the hillside, but I was a little cooler anyway and a little refreshed.
"So, what's the deal with Bill, TK?"
I could feel my heart beating harder already, and the fury just waiting to get out. The cocksucker. The asshole. My face must have twisted something awful because I saw Sam startle out of the corner of my eye, and then her hand was on my shoulder.
"Hey, hey, sweetie. Easy. Ssh. Can you just tell me a little about it? What did he do to you?"
"Sam, I loved him. I thought he was the one."
Even as I heard my words I wondered if they were true. I mean, I thought he was. But now I wonder if I wasn't just fooling myself. I had everything in my life nailed down—academics now, grad school after a semester with Hawking, future work—and maybe I thought I needed to have my love life nailed down, too.
I rolled on my side and kissed Sam on her cheek.
"And then I walked in on them, Sam, and my whole world fell apart. I couldn't believe my eyes. His hairy ass pumping into her, her legs wrapped tight around his butt, the one tit I could see bouncing as he slammed her, her mouth open and nothing coming out. For a second, I wanted to kill them both.
"I just turned and ran, Sam. I was running away, didn't know where I was going, didn't care. Probably good that there were no bridges between his apartment and mine. When I got home I curled into a ball. After I finished crying I was still pissed. When I thought about it later, I almost wondered if I'd been too hard on him, and on myself. All I felt was a big knot in my gut and a hole in the rest of me."
I stopped. I couldn't go on. Sam hugged me, and I felt something give inside, something begin loosen a little, and I hugged her back. I held on to her. I was squeezing her so hard it must have hurt, but she didn't say anything.
And then I was crying again and Sam was holding me in her arms and my tears were making a puddle, almost, at the base of her neck. She kept stroking my back slowly and gently, until I finally quieted. I wiped my eyes, tried to smile. Sam kissed my cheek.
"It's OK, sweetie, really. It's OK."
Gentling me, stroking some more, whispering, softness, quiet. I could feel myself slowing and slowing and gradually becoming still. We lay there side-by-side once more, our fingers loosely linked again, watching the clouds, and that's where the guys found us.
Jim behind me, Buddy on the other side of Sam. We all lay there and watched the sky. That's what I was doing, anyway. Then I heard a huge splash from the pool. I smiled at Jim and rolled to my side to see what was going on. Sam did the same in front of me, and I put my hand on her hip. Water fight, looked like, with a bunch of teenagers. Then one girl broke away, swam to the edge of the pool, and boosted herself out.
My throat closed. I couldn't breathe for a second but my pussy knew what I was seeing and I felt a spasm as I watched. I was wet in an instant, my nipples hardening. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Sleek like an otter, muscles flowing under her skin, smooth and tight little rump and water streaming off her back and butt and legs.
Without conscious effort my hand moved up from Sam's hip to her flank and then, I don't know how it happened, I wasn't even thinking, to cup her breast, my fingers feeling for and finding her rigid nipple. Sam twisted her head back to smile at me over her shoulder.
I snatched my hand away as though Sam's nipple were on fire. I couldn't focus. What the hell was I doing?
"Oh god, Sam, I'm sorry. I wasn't, I don't know, oh, shit. I'm really sorry."
"Well, I have to say I rather liked it, TK. But we probably should save that for somewhere more private, don't you think?"
I was too embarrassed to answer, but by then Jim and Buddy were laughing. Jim's comment was predictable.
"Hey, Kat, don't stop on our account."
"Hah hah hah. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
In a second I felt Jim's hard cock against my ass. He shoved against me and stroked a couple of times.
"Oh, yes, Kat. You bet."
"Dream on, pal."
But the truth was that I was more than interested. What was this? Was I going to fuck everyone in sight? What was I trying to prove? Fuck Bill. Fuck him. My thoughts were overcaffeinated ferrets looking for the nearest Peet's and there wasn't any Peet's near here and I couldn't keep up and I thought I would explode if I didn't drop dead first. My gut twisted and clenched and I whimpered.
The next thing I knew Sam rolled over to stroke my cheek and kiss me lightly. Then she was whispering, her lips against my ear. I don't think Jim or Buddy could hear her.
"Sweetie, ssh. It will pass, maybe not today or even tomorrow, but you'll be OK in the end. It will pass. Let it go for a little while and come back to it later when you need to, OK?"
I held my cheek against hers. I knew she was right. I hoped she was, anyway. I could let this go, at least for now. I was still crying a little, but finally I shook my head and stopped trying to chase those lousy ferrets. I looked at Sam's grey eyes, inches from mine.
I choked again.
I held her some more until my tears stopped.
We stayed on the grass that afternoon, quiet at first, still nude, watching the clouds, later talking about this and that. Gradually our hands began wandering a little. Before we knew it the shadows were longer and it was getting cooler. I could feel more than see the fog coming over the mountains. I was still sad and a little mad and I knew it would be like that for a while, but I was also getting more than a little aroused now after this immediate crisis, and I wanted to do something about that.
We picked up our towels and walked over to our cabin and went inside. Without talking and without pause Sam and Buddy went to one bed and Jim and I to the other.
We were in each other's arms and kissing and I could feel Jim hard against me but that still wasn't enough now. I rolled onto my back and lifted my left leg over his shoulder as he moved to my entrance. I couldn't look away from his eyes. I didn't want to. I smiled without even thinking about it. To see someone wanting you so much. But it wasn't just that, it was maybe admiration, even a little awe, although I don't think I'm awesome. Just very very good.
"I want to watch your face when you come. I want to hear you."
Jim made one long smooth thrust as he spoke and there he was, all the way in. Full. Good. He leaned down and kissed me. His tongue found places inside my mouth I didn't know about, and I never wanted him to stop exploring.