We sat at the table, her holding my hand me bawling like a baby. "Clarence stop it now. I mean it. It is not the end of the world. I told you because I love you. I do not want to lose you. I do not want you finding out the wrong way about; well, about the things I am doing with Marcus," she said. I'm sure she thought her tone was supportive, but she was killing me.
"Millie, you're my wife. Is what you really want a divorce? I mean after all of these years, Millie, twenty-one years!" I said, my eyes swelling and dripping all but blood.
"Clarence, no. I do not want a divorce, and especially not after all of these years. You're my husband, not him. I love you; I use him. That's all there is to it. I need to get you to see that," she said.
"But why! Why are we even having this conversation. I need you. I take care of you don't I? I make good love to you don't I? Why are you doing this to me!" I said.
"To begin with it was all born of your fantasies; the ones you've been assaulting me with for these last many years, Clarence," she was smiling now. "It took me a while, Clarence, but I have finally come to believe that you may have had some good points and some very hot fantasies. And well, they've kinda become my reality, if that's the way to phrase it," she said. "And yes, you have taken care of me, provided for me. And yes, you do make—well, adequate love to me. I have to be honest about that, Clarence; it's what all of this is about. Really, a big part of it anyway."
"Huh? What are you saying?" I said.
"You know very well what I'm talking about, Clarence, your fantasies. You watching me with a black lover. Me dominating you. You serving me and my lover—oh all of it, Clarence; you know very well what I'm talking about. You're memory can't be that selective," she said. I looked down; I couldn't meet her eyes.
"My love making isn't doing it for you, huh?" I paused and looked away, well hell, I was embarrassed. "Well, what is, is, I suppose." I changed the subject.
"But, Millie, those were just my fantasies, not things I could really do, live with. I need you on my side, by my side, with me all of the time; not just when you have time for me," I said.
"Clarence, don't be too hard on yourself. Your lovemaking is not that bad. It's just not, well, as exciting as it once was is all. You don't have to worry about that, not at all. If you are willing, this will be very nice for you; I'll see to that. Nobody will be more important to me than you. You really have nothing to worry about," she said.
I was so hurt and shaken by her words that I couldn't breathe. I felt faint. Slowly, I began to feel—numb, puffy. I slid out my seat and lay down on the floor. I had fainted.
I woke up, it had to be some minutes later, with Millie holding me in her arms and rocking me back and forth. Jesus what a wimp ass I was! I took a deep breath and struggled to get up; she helped me.
"You all right, baby?" she said. She knelt beside my chair as I settled back into it. "I can see this has been a very big shock to you. I didn't mean to cause you so much stress. I really didn't. I just wanted to let you know how things are and that you will be right there with me the whole time. And safe! I wanted you to feel safe. But, it looks like I caused you more than a little stress and worry instead. Not my intention, Clarence. Honest to God, not my intention."
I looked down at her kneeling there. I finally knew what I had to do. At least what I thought that I had to do. "Let me get my breath back, Mil. I'll be all right. I guess the stress did get to me. I know what I have to do now," I said.
"Yes, dear, just let me do the leading for a while. It'll be best," she said. She was assuming that I was going to accept her plans; she was wrong. I might be a pussy, but I was not that big a pussy!
"No, Mil, I will be leaving in a little while. I will set the wheels of divorce in motion as soon as I can. I cannot accept second class citizenship in this marriage. I cannot accept being your wimpy little cuckold. I cannot accept just getting the occasional mercy fuck to keep me in line.
"But..." I ignored her attempt to interrupt and kept on.
"Yes, I had and have fantasies, Millie, but I never had any intention of living them out, any more than I have of donning a superman cape and trying to fly. I just could not and cannot accept the humiliation of being your cuckold, Millie. I'm a man, Mil, I need to be treated like one by my wife," I said.
"Divorce! What are you talking about, Clarence Milford! I told you I don't want a divorce. I told you everything will be fine for us. A man! Who isn't treating you like a man?
"Mercy fuck? What are you talking about? I never said anything about limiting you or belittling you or mercy fucks. Our love life will be enhanced by what I am proposing, not made less. I promised you that, I am promising you that," she said.
"Millie, I don't see it that way. I am sick at heart, and afraid of the future: a future without you because I have and do need you; it's going to be bad for me for a while. But, I cannot accept your ultimatum, Millie. You didn't even let me have a say in any of this; you just let me know it was going to be whether I liked it or not. Well, I love you, Millie, more than anything, but I don't like your proposals, especially being left out altogether in the decision to do these things" I said.
I was beginning to get my sense of balance back. I had just about decided to chance trying to stand and head upstairs to our bedroom and begin packing when the phone rang. Millie rose to answer it staring daggers at me as she did.
"Oh, hi Denise. Yes, your dad is here. Just a moment." She handed me the phone.
"Yes, baby ... Yes ... okay? ... why do you ask? ... What! ... you and your mother ... I have to go ... I mean you and your mother ... I really do have to go." I hung up on her, on my own daughter. I looked at my wife with what had to be horror painting my features.
"You talked to our daughter about this? You told her about my fantasies? You asked her opinion..." I ran out of words. My anger was almost beyond telling.
"Clarence, it's not like you think. I just had to make sure that I wasn't being selfish—crazy. Denise is a Psyche major and well—I thought..."
"You're crazy, Millie. You definitely are totally and completely nuts! She's, was, my baby. I'll never be able to face her again. Good-damn-bye," I said.
I now really did have the strength to pack and leave. In less than an hour I had not only lost my marriage, I had lost my entire family—forever. I could never again face Denise knowing that she knew—about my fantasies. That she had agreed it would be okay to cuckold me if I was okay with it. Why would she think that? It was all just too horrible to contemplate.
Millie had chased me up stairs and had had a tantrum about me leaving and my apparent plans to abandon both her and our daughter. I packed like a man possessed. I felt strange, bad, but also strange. All I knew was that I had to get out of there and fast. I was about to lose it. I did lose it; I burst into tears. I hauled my stuff out and stumbled and fell as I made for the front door. My humiliation was total. Millie just stared at me as I lay there crying. I dragged myself to my feet and made decidedly slower progress toward the door.
The interesting thing was that in her attempts to get me to not go, and to rethink my relationship with both her and our daughter; she never once said anything about being willing to give up her plans to cuckold me. This last hit me just as I was about to go out the door.
I turned as I hefted the suitcases. She was still standing there, for the moment speechless, just staring in disbelief at me. "You know, Millie, in all of your yelling in these final minutes of our marriage, you never once indicated a willingness to give up the idea of cuckolding me."
She raised her hand as if to get me to listen, but changed her mind and just looked down. It was my last memory of her. It would be years before we met again.
The day after our confrontation. I had gone to see my lawyer. I signed a power of attorney for Millie so she could sell the house and do what she wanted with our accounts. We each had our own separate credit cards and they were always paid up, so I had mine to live on until I could get relocated. Apart from the house, I gave her the eight or nine thousand in the savings, the two thousand in the checking account, and nothing else. I left instruction with our lawyer to the effect that if she tried to get my retirement to deny her everything else and make her work for it.
As for my daughter's college, I had long ago settled that matter by putting away money monthly since the day she was born to pay for it. She would have what amounted to a free ride for her entire four years at State.
I quit my job at Maclin Industries, a shipping company where I was a dispatcher. I headed for the left coast. I had to hope I could get a job fast. I didn't want to have to live long on my Visa card. I got lucky.
I began work at the first place I applied to on the same day I applied. Curtis Shipping needed a dispatcher with experience and they needed he, she, or it immediately; their current man had a medical emergency and would be retiring in two more days. I painted myself on his shoulder and absorbed everything I could as fast as I could. Needless to say my learning curve at the new company was ninety degrees to the plane. But, the fact is the job was virtually the same one I had had in Ohio.
.... There is more of this story ...