Chapter 15

Myanmar - Baltimore - Harden 2019

They were everywhere. The bodies. Inside their bamboo homes and out. It wasn't supposed to be like that and I stumbled, over the root of tree or someone's arm, I didn't know which. I couldn't force myself to look. I couldn't see and I couldn't wipe my eyes. I wanted to take off the hood and wipe my eyes so I could see them and punish myself in that small way.

"We need samples," Marco was saying and I sat down heavily.

I saw his shadow, dark and bleary and I was afraid to look up.

"Jen, are you hurt? Are you sick?" he asked me.

"No," I coughed and shook my head.

"Get up, we need to get the samples and get out of here." He reached for my hand and pulled me up slowly.

"Why are they dead?" I asked dumbly. "They're not supposed to be dead."

Marco had no answer for that and he didn't say anything.

Bravo Company of the US Army 32nd Special Engineer Battalion had arrived with us. They were from Fort Dietrich, the ones who cleaned up other people's messes. As soon as Marco and I had examined a body, taken what we needed from it, they took it away. I imagined I could smell the bodies burning, but I couldn't.

Thirty-six hours after we'd started, you'd never know the village had ever been there. A hole had been dug and covered over, filled with ashes and gone forever. The hilltop was planted with bushes and trees and those seven families were only a memory now. I watched the place disappear beneath the helicopter, wondering what those three boys who'd left just before my arrival that fateful day would think when they came back home.

"I can't do it anymore," I said, holding a cup of coffee in my cold hands.

"You don't look well," Mr. Fox frowned as we sat together in the kitchen, back on the farm.

"I'm so tired," I closed my eyes. "But I can't sleep."

"You've been working too hard for too long, Jennifer." Mr. Fox looked up as Renee put a cup of tea in front him.

"Stay with us, Jennifer," the woman said, touching my shoulder. "Dana will come for a visit, she has a baby now."

"I don't know," I rubbed my forehead. "I thought I knew what I was doing. I was so sure of it."

Renee left us.

"What was the cause?" Mr. Fox asked and I looked up sharply.

"I sent you the report."

"I read it." He picked up his spoon, dropping sugar into his tea slowly. "Now I want to hear it."

"I think..." I cleared my throat. "The vaccine migrated into the pigs. They were infected and the virus mutated and was passed back to the villagers. Their immune systems were already compromised and..."

"I see."

"I didn't run that," I bit my lip. "I didn't check to see what would happen. I didn't think of pigs and I ... There were too many variables."

"Yes, there were." Mr. Fox tapped his spoon gently on the rim of his cup.

"I'm done." I sat up straight in my chair. "I'm going to ... I don't know."

"Everyone suffers failure," Mr. Fox sighed. "It just took you longer than the rest of us, so you're having a harder time with it."

"Failure?" I blinked at him. "I killed a village! Those people, they didn't do anything. They didn't hurt anyone."

I was crying again and I wondered where all those tears were coming from. I hadn't been able to stop for more than five minutes at a time and I ached. God, I ached all over, like I was dying and wishing I were.

"I knew I would kill someone," I swallowed thickly, wiping my eyes and Mr. Fox neither smiled nor frowned. "I knew, someone would die. I accepted that. I said, 'Well, this many others will live. So it's ... fair.' You know?"

"Yes," the old man nodded and he did know.

"But it isn't fair!" I started shaking. "None of it is."

"You'll stay here," Mr. Fox told me. "Until you're well again. I'll have your things brought down."

"I don't ever want to be that well again." I closed my eyes and he left me, leaving his tea untouched but for the sugar inside it.

I didn't stay. I left the next morning, going back to Bethesda and my office at Horace Tufts. I went through my notes carefully, pulling pages for the shredder and deleting files from my computer. I'd been insane, the way only a person who's never failed can be. Mr. Fox had gotten that much right. I'd thought I could do anything and I'd never been more wrong in my life. I'd felt like God.

"I need to see you," I said into my phone and I think General Palmer had been expecting that.

"You should take some time..." he started saying and I shook my head, standing in his office because I was too nervous to sit down.

"We need to destroy the samples," I told him.

"That's a year out of your life," the man said, taking off his thin reading glasses. "A brilliant year, Jennifer. There are other applications..."

"No," I shook my head, pacing like a caged animal. "I've already destroyed my notes."

"I see," he sat back slowly. "The work you did could benefit other research. Nobody needs to know where it came from, if that's what you're worried about."

"Don't talk to me like I'm Oppenheimer, okay?" I stopped pacing and stared at him. "The only application here is death."

The General pursed his lips and perhaps he was torn between his duty to dissuade me and doing what he knew to be right. The samples, just by their existence alone, put us on the edge of the abyss. He'd been reviewing the data, trying to find out where we'd gone wrong. Where I'd gone wrong.

"Someone will do it. You know that," Palmer said. "You're ten years ahead of everyone else, maybe fifteen, but eventually..."

"That's ten more years to live, Jeff. Ten years to have children and..." I shrugged, lifting a hand, " ... watch baseball. Ten more years to stop it from happening."

"They won't forget about it," the General said softly. "Or you."

I blinked at that and it was the crux of the argument. I was ahead of everyone and eventually someone, somewhere would try and do what I'd done, but without chromosome-25 ... That's what nobody knew, not even my friend the General. The protein I'd 'engineered' and put to such a terrible use wasn't synthetic, it was very real and I'd taken it from my own DNA. Nobody could rebuild PK or the vaccine without me. It wasn't just in my head, it was in my blood.

"Please?" I sat down finally, leaning on his desk, pleading with him. "Help me."

"Okay, Jennifer," he nodded slowly. "And afterwards, you rest."

"I will," I nodded, letting out the breath I was holding.

"Jen!" Dana was there when I returned to the farm, smiling and all grown up now.

"Hi," I smiled weakly as I got a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Come on!" Dana giggled, like she was still fifteen, taking my hand and pulling me towards the stairs. "They told me you were here and I got here and you were gone!"

"Yeah, I had to go to Baltimore and..."

"Look!" Dana whispered, smiling and there was her baby on her old bed, between two pillows so it couldn't roll off.

"Oh!" I smiled and looked at Dana. "You're a mommy."

"Yeah!" she nodded happily. "Come here and say hello. His name is Steven."

"Steven," I sighed, approaching the bed and he was so small. "How old is he?"

"Four months," Dana said. "Pick him up, go ahead. He needs to eat soon anyway."

"Oh, my my my," I sighed, sitting down on the bed and I just touched him, touching that round little tummy with my fingertips while he slept.

"John's a fireman down in Richmond. That's my husband," Dana said. "I sent you an invitation..."

"Yeah, last year. I got it," I nodded, pursing my lips. "I was in, uh ... God where was I? Africa, I think."

"Africa?" Dana laughed and she'd grown up pretty, with her auburn hair and green eyes, and still smiling brightly.

"Working," I shrugged. "And now you have a baby. Come here..."

I picked Steven up carefully.

"He's heavy!" I laughed. "God! He's fat! Look at him."

"I know, yeah," Dana sat down next to me. "All he does is eat and sleep."

"His eyes are opening." I looked at those small blue orbs, looking around sleepily, his bottom lip tucked in under the top one.

"Isn't he beautiful?" Dana asked and I nodded.

"Yeah. He is."

"You ever see him?" Dana asked and she'd just walked into my room, like she used to. The girl had changed very little growing into a woman and I was glad.

"Ron?" I was holding his snow globe, staring into it as it swirled slowly. "No. I haven't seen him since..."

"Mr. Fox took him," Dana nodded. "Me neither."

We were quiet and it was getting late. Dana had been there for two nights and in the morning she was going back home. I wondered what that was like, having a home, a husband and a baby. It must be pretty nice, I thought and I was happy for her.

"I keep looking though," Dana said. "You know, like maybe I'll see him just ... standing there or something."

"Yeah," I nodded because I did that too.

"How about Josh?" Dana asked with a teasing smile. "Are you still in love with him?"

"Oh yeah," I grinned. "More than ever."

"Good for you then," Dana agreed. "Well, I'd better get my stuff ready."

"Okay."

I sat there and I didn't know what I was doing. I was just twenty-two years old and already one of the best virologists in the world. I'd had several significant breakthroughs in viral genetics, discoveries that would have gotten me serious consideration for a Nobel Prize had I worked in almost any other field. If my work wasn't so sensitive that I'd be dead by the time it was ever declassified and published anywhere.

I was the child prodigy of my brilliant parents and even if people didn't know exactly what I'd done or what I was doing, I was still a star in the medical world. A bright one. If I chose to walk away from Horace Tufts ... If I could walk away ... I could go anywhere. Do anything. I could put my failure behind me and move on. Maybe. If I could stop crying. All I had to do was pick up the phone.

So I did.

"Where you going?" Dana was sitting in the kitchen the next morning, nursing Steven at her breast.

"Oh." I blinked at her and it was very early, the sky still dark but turning grey. I'd wanted to slip out, like a ghost.

"Utah," I nodded. "I'm gonna go see Josh. Surprise him."

"That'll be good," she smiled and Dana looked tired, but so happy with her baby.

"I have something ... Hold on," I put my suitcase down on the kitchen floor, opening it awkwardly. "I wanted to give it to you before, but I never did."

"Really?"

"Yeah," I laughed, feeling foolish. "It's ... I don't know. It's nice."

I opened a little zipped up bag I used for stuff, the odd thing that I'd collected here and there. I dug through it, pulling out my diamond tennis bracelet. I'd only worn it once and I kept telling myself to give it to Dana, but I'd always been busy or gone. Or I'd forgotten, like it wasn't important, and that had been careless of me. I knew that now.

"Oh, jeeze," she widened her eyes and gave me a funny smile. "Are those real?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "It's real. It's, uh, kind of special in a strange way."

"What do you mean?"

"Hold out your arm. Let me put it on you," I said. "This, ummm ... Oh. It's not important, uh ... the why. It's just special."

"Okay," Dana agreed slowly and watched me put the bracelet around her wrist. "John's going to think I have a boyfriend now."

"It looks good on you," I decided and I knew why I'd kept it. It was the weekend I'd traded to Amir so I could find out the truth about Ron. I could let it go now.

"Thanks, Jen. Wow! Diamonds," Dana giggled and lifted her baby, putting him over her shoulder.

"Have a girl next time, okay?" I said. "Then you can pass it down when she's old enough."

"Yeah," Dana nodded. "I missed you a lot, Jen."

"I missed you too." I bent over, giving her a hug and smelling her baby, that warm rich smell like no other. The smell of life.

"You've got my number right?" she asked and I nodded. "You're the only sister I ever had. You better call me sometimes. I worry about you."

"I will," I kissed Dana's cheek. "I promise."

"Hi. Can I speak to Josh Sinclair?" I asked, plugging my other ear because the telephone booth didn't have a door and the phone was bad.

"He's in the yard, do you want to hold?"

"The yard?"

"The lumber yard," the woman said, like that explained it. "I can get him if you want to wait, might be a few minutes."

"Can you just give him a message ... Tell him to meet me at the Dairy Queen."

"Meet you at the Dairy Queen, huh?" the woman sounded like she was laughing. "Any particular time?"

"No," I shrugged. "I'll be here all day."

I didn't have anything else to do.

"Okay, uh ... Who are you?" she asked.

"Don't worry, he'll know," I said with a smile.

Twenty minutes later Josh was pulling into the Dairy Queen. I'd found a comfortable spot on a bright blue picnic table, with my feet on the bench, holding my teddy bear and eating a Dilly Bar. I smiled as he got out slowly, walking across the gravel and jingling his keys. Josh was grinning and nodding, like he should have expected this and it was all I could do not to leap into his arms.

"Hey new girl," he said, stopping a few feet away, crossing his arms and looking at me.

"Hey boyfriend," I said softly, taking another bite of my ice cream.

"What are you doing here?"

"Eating ice cream," I shrugged. "You wanna lick?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I believe I do."

"Kay," I held my ice cream out. "Come on, before it melts."

I watched as Josh leaned forward, dragging his tongue across my half-eaten Dilly Bar.

"Good, huh?" I sucked it into my mouth.

"Yeah. Come on," he jerked his head.

"Where?" I hopped off the picnic table.

"I'm gonna show you the house I'm building," Josh said and he pointed at my suitcase. "That yours?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded.

"I see ya brought your bear," he smiled, picking up my suitcase. "That's good."

"Why?" I giggled.

"Cause it means you plan on staying awhile," Josh sighed and he was happy.

"Yeah," I said and I was trying to be happy too.

We drove a ways in silence and finally stopped in the middle of nowhere it looked like, just flat grassland with some poplar trees, some brush here and there. An unkempt field of something trying to grow lay on the other side of the dirt road.

"Where's my house?" I wondered, looking around.

"Right there," Josh grinned. "Come on."

I left my bear in the truck and started getting out. Then I had an idea and I tilted the back of the bench seat forward, smiling as I saw Josh's old blanket, folded up and smelling oily. I grabbed it and Josh grinned patiently, but he didn't say anything.

"I figured I'd put a front porch right here..." he was pointing at the ground, " ... Put the parlor over there..."

"A front parlor?" I laughed.

" ... Kitchen, little dining room maybe..." Josh was nodding.

"Where's the bedroom gonna be?" I asked, pursing my lips.

"Uh, well, I figured right here ... Except up on the second floor, you know," he shrugged. "Get that morning sunlight in your hair."

"Hmmm..." I nodded. "Right about here?"

Josh chuckled as I started spreading that blanket on the grass.

"Yeah," he nodded. "That'd be it."

"Come here," I said, sitting down and hold out my hands for him. I pulled Josh down when he took them and we hadn't even kissed yet.

He took me in his arms, which was what I wanted more than anything else, and Josh was going to kiss me, but I stopped him.

"What's wrong, Jen?" he asked softly, searching my eyes with his.

"I killed ... people." I closed my eyes and it was all gonna come out at once.

"What? Come here." Josh didn't know what I was talking about, he just hugged me while I talked and sobbed against his chest.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." It was all I could say and it wasn't enough.

I was ugly, with my swollen, red-rimmed eyes and my snotty nose. My hair damp and matted to my face and neck. My mouth was limp and I was so weak. Shaking and pathetic and small. I was as ugly outside as I was inside.

And still he loved me. Somehow. Josh listened while I told him everything and he didn't try to tell me it was okay, or it wasn't my fault, or any of that. He just listened and that was what I needed. He forgave me, because that's what love does, and how much of what I said, Josh understood, or even believed, I couldn't know. It would be a long time before I could love myself enough to find forgiveness in my own heart, but this was where it started.

Josh saved me.

"The hell are you doing here?" March Sinclair stared at me and he was old by then, and frowning. He'd been old my whole life.