Chapter 23: Transitions

SUNDAY, APRIL 18, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

"I just need some time, okay?"

Dawn's words were the same as yesterday, but I didn't feel nearly as scared now as I did then. Yesterday, the mere fact that Dawn was asking for time instead of enthusiastically proclaiming her love and desire to get back together made me worry that she WASN'T going to get back together with me.

Today? I knew it just meant exactly what she was saying. She needed time: time to make a clean break with Ryan, time to sort out her emotions, and time to get herself settled as an individual instead of as half of a romantic couple. I wasn't worried, because I knew that when it really mattered, Dawn would be with me again.

Besides, since we both knew that day was coming, we could still be friends with a few benefits along the way. And so I didn't hesitate to pull her into my arms, brush her bangs back behind her ear, and bend to kiss my Dawn once again.

I had struggled to come up with a term to describe the way these kisses with Dawn felt. They didn't have the volcanic passion of some of our kisses. Instead, it felt like the moments just before eruption, both of us holding back from dropping to the floor right then and there to fuck each other's brains out. It was as if our love and passion were ... simmering ... right before the eruption itself.

Eventually, this "simmering" kiss came to an end, and fully dressed we exited my bedroom. It was relatively early, but Paige was already up and cooking breakfast. And to my utter surprise, Dawn rushed into the kitchen and immediately went to pick up the smaller girl in a big hug.

When the hell did they start getting along? I wondered.

The girls put their heads together and talked quietly, giggling along the way. But their conversation was brief and the next thing I knew, all three of us were seated around the table with pancakes, bacon, and hash browns. We didn't talk about relationships or love or anything else. Instead, three friends just chatted amiably until the meal was done.

In the end, I shared another simmering kiss with Dawn. And she left to try and put her life in order.

Dawn wasn't the only one working to get her life straightened out. I was in the living room, daydreaming about Dawn when I heard a car pull into the driveway. Dayna's Impala was already parked at the front with Adrienne's Mustang behind it, those being the only two cars in our household. So in curiosity, I peeked outside and saw a Volvo station wagon coming to a halt. Moments later, the car doors opened and an unfamiliar middle-aged couple got out of the front two seats while a young woman with dark auburn hair got out of the back. I didn't catch her face, but there was something oddly familiar about her, and they went out of sight while heading around to our front door.

Paige looked up when I headed to the window. And when the doorbell rang, she smiled and said, "They're here."

"Who?" I asked curiously.

My petite redhead just flashed me an enigmatic smile. She went to the door and I followed after. Checking the peephole for confirmation, Paige then opened the door and smiled bashfully. "Hi Uncle Frank. Aunt Polly. Hey Kady."

My jaw was on the floor as I stared at the familiar redhead. I hadn't seen her since leaving High School and I was astonished to find her in my house, all grown up and looking even more beautiful than ever. "Kady Jacobsen?"

"'Sup, Ben," Kady nodded to me then looked at me while rubbing her own chin and cheeks. "Getting scruffy, aren't you?"

I smiled as I rubbed my own chin and cheeks. I was never good at growing facial hair, but as I got older, it grew in a little faster, giving me at least a little scruff if I didn't shave for a couple of days, like this past weekend. I frowned and asked, "What are you doing here?"

Paige broke off from her conversation with the older folk to turn to me and say, "I TOLD you we were cousins."

I nodded and just then, Adrienne emerged a little bleary-eyed from her bedroom, wearing just a skimpy teddy and bikini panties. She stood up straight and looked surprised to find there were guests in the hall.

Kady whistled appreciatively, her eyes yo-yoing up and down the blonde bombshell's body. "Morning, Cap."

"Uh, hi everyone," Adrienne stammered, her eyes looking a little bloodshot. But she recovered quickly and stood up straight. "Ah, I'm just going to go take a shower now." And with a shrug, she disappeared into the bathroom.

Kady grinned at me, a naughty gleam in her dark blue eyes. "Just like old times."

Eventually, we got through the introductions. As the story went, Paige's dad and uncle didn't really get along, despite being brothers. Their entire extended family had always been pretty liberal and open-minded about politics and social issues. But Paige's parents were born-again fundamentalist Christians and tried to have as little to do with the rest of the family as possible. Paige's condition was a scandal they chose to simply ignore and cover up, and no one else in the extended family knew about it until Paige called her uncle a few days ago to ask for help. She figured if anyone would understand, it would be the parents of a lesbian daughter.

She was right.

Paige had filled them in on the basics over the phone: who she was staying with and why. Uncle Frank specifically sat me down and shook my hand, thanking me for everything I'd done for Paige up until this point, with inviting her into my home and taking her to prenatal visits and such. "It takes a special kind of man to do that, especially one so young," he intoned.

I just blushed in embarrassment. And so I stuck around for the conversation to follow as we all worked on a plan.

The first thing Paige's Aunt and Uncle offered was a place to stay. As it turned out, Uncle Frank had been transferred back up to the Bay Area and now lived in Atherton, which was convenient since Kady had been attending Stanford this past year as a freshman. And while Paige could stick around my house until the end of the semester, they were inviting her into their home in the summer and through until the baby was born in September.

"Trust me," Aunt Polly said sagely. "The bigger your belly gets, the harder it is to even move. We'll give you all the help you need. And whatever you decide to do with the baby, we're with you."

And just like that, Paige had a support system around her. She had family around who would care for her, and I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Then Adrienne came out, fully dressed. And the conversation turned from serious planning to a more pleasant getting to know you. The parents wanted to know more about Paige's life and how she'd gotten involved with me and Adrienne, which of course led to the story of the fight way at the beginning of our college careers. The Jacobsens collectively discussed living arrangements at their house. And Kady started cracking jokes about whether she'd get ostracized at Stanford, not for being lesbian, but for having a cousin who went to Cal living under the same roof.

And we happily chatted the rest of the morning away.

From the front porch, we said our final goodbyes and then watched the Jacobsen's Volvo roll down the street. I was one of the first to turn back and start going into the house.

But before I could go through the front door, Paige reached out and snagged my hand. "Okay, Mister. You are telling us EVERYTHING that happened between you and Dawn in your bedroom last night."

Adrienne gasped and covered her open mouth with one hand. "Dawn was here last night?"

Paige giggled. Adrienne started smiling. And sighing, I looked at the two girls and nodded.

Dawn didn't come back to me through the rest of the afternoon. Without a cell phone, she had no way of for me to contact her. I had no idea what she was doing or who she was talking to. But I had faith that she wouldn't let the day pass without at least checking in.

So I stuck around the house, dreaming about the future. Billy Crystal (in that ancient movie I keep teasing Bert about) once said it best: "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

But I tried to be patient. Dawn needed time, and I would give it to her. Besides, she was kept at the forefront of my mind as people continually walked up and asked me about her.

Brandi was the first to emerge. Turned out, she'd come home in the middle of the night after being out on a date. As a second-semester Senior staring down Graduation in another month, she could afford to be lazy and slept in until 1pm. Of course, the minute she came down, Adrienne and Paige started jabbering to her about me and Dawn. And of course, my sister then had to get the story straight from me.

Dayna blitzed in shortly after. Dawn had actually called her before she returned home, but she still wanted the story from my side.

And then Gwen and Robin stopped by just before dinner to dig for more information. Seriously, I knew girls liked to talk, but having them all come in waves like this was just ridiculous. I was getting a sore throat after talking so freaking much.

At least Gwen and Robin told me that they'd gone with Dawn to get a new cell phone, so if I needed to I could call her. They actually seemed surprised when I told them I'd wait.

And then right at dinner time, my patience was rewarded.

Dawn had come back.

I was in the kitchen (gasp!), doing my best to help out/stay out of the way. It wasn't very often that Dayna, Brandi, Adrienne, Paige, and I were all in one place at the same time, but tonight was one of those nights and the girls decided it was reason enough to cook a big meal together.

One minute, Dayna was next to me, guiding me as I tore out rectangles of aluminum foil for some sort of baking dish cover. The next she was gone, leaving me to look up in confusion before I realized she was just outside the kitchen, hugging her little sister firmly.

"You okay, kid?" Dayna was patting Dawn's shoulders. The noises around me went silent as the other girls realized Dawn had arrived and that she wasn't in the best of moods.

The younger blonde was wiping her eyes, looking all hollowed out. She took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly, deflating as she did so. But then she picked her head back up and stated, "It's over. Ryan and I broke up."

The breakup was expected by all, but that didn't make going through it any easier for Dawn. She was clearly exhausted from her day. But after letting go of Dayna, she spied me and immediately walked over with her arms open for another hug.

I knew she needed her best friend right now, not a potential lover. I welcomed her against me and hugged her fiercely, pecking her forehead and otherwise keeping my embrace completely platonic. I didn't say anything. She didn't need words from me. She just needed my reassuring presence as a reminder that I was still here and that she could always depend on me.

Brandi was next to me then. Looking straight at Dawn, she sighed in dramatic annoyance and said, "Will you please take him out of here. He's just getting in the way."

Brandi smirked as she said this, and Dawn took the hint, smiling at my sister before taking my hand and leading me back into the living room. The two of us sat down on the couch. Dawn thumbed the tears out of her eyes and brushed her hair back behind her ears. And then she told me about the breakup.

Ryan had been waiting at the apartment when she got there. He'd returned the previous night and intuitively knew where she was. It was just the confirmation he needed to make his own decision.

He had been remarkably calm about the whole thing. He was the one who suggested that their relationship had run its course, that they'd gone as far as they could together, and no amount of "hoping" would change that. She just wasn't meant for him, and as much as he hated it, he understood. From then, it just became an organizational discussion about how to get through the last five weeks before his graduation.

Ultimately, Ryan was moving out of the apartment, willing to live at home at take the BART to school for the last few weeks. Dawn had argued with him on that point, saying that she could easily move back into the house with us. She'd crash in Dayna's room since her sister spent all her time with Kevin anyways. And even if Dayna were there, she wouldn't mind sharing with her sister, or maybe even with Adrienne and Paige.

But Ryan put his foot down on that one. He didn't want to have any part of moving Dawn back into a house with me. He accepted the inevitability that Dawn and I would get back together someday. But for his own personal pride, he wanted to make sure he didn't have any influence in speeding up that process. It was spiteful, but Ryan deserved to be a little bit bitter over the way things were turning out.

In the end, Dawn left the apartment with Gwen and Robin to get lunch and to buy a new cell phone while Ryan stayed behind to start packing up. When she returned, they talked a bit, exchanged final hugs, and then said goodbye. After that, she just had to go for a walk to clear her head. And when the weather started turning cold, she came back to the house.

Dinner was served then. The six of us assembled at the table, just me and my five past and present roommates. I was surrounded by excellent company and provided with delicious food, and yet I spoke little and ate even less. Same with Dawn.

The both of us were wondering: Where do we go from here?

We were back in my bedroom, behind a closed door. I knew no one would intrude on us. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Adrienne was standing guard just outside, absolutely ensuring that no one interrupted us. For some reason, she seemed to want to see me and Dawn get back together more than we did.

As usual, I was sitting up against the headboard, pillows comfortably supporting my lower back. At present, Dawn was sitting sideways across my bed, her feet dangling off the end while leaning back with her hands planted behind her for support. From this angle, I could see her entire body in profile, from head to toe. I admired the way her sunny blonde hair hung loose behind her shoulders. I traced the sharp features of her surpassingly beautiful face as she stared at the side wall. I trailed my gaze down her graceful neck, across the curves of her bosom and torso clad in a simple ringer T-shirt that rode up to show me a couple inches of skin around her waist before her low-slung jeans began. And then her long legs stretched out and away to my right, ending in bare feet as she crossed her ankles and absentmindedly wiggled her toes.

Neither of us had said anything for a few minutes. Dawn was still lost in her thoughts and I didn't want to interrupt her. Last night, I'd pushed aside any concerns and just kissed her, but I knew that wasn't what she wanted today.

Eventually, Dawn sighed and said apologetically, "Ben, I love you."

I waited a few seconds to see if she would continue before commenting, "I like the words. Not so sure about the tone."

She sighed again and said, "I love you, but I'm not ready to get into a relationship again."

"Okay. I can wait."

She bit her lip and furrowed her eyebrows before saying, "I just ... It's that ... Even right now, I feel myself wanting to fall into old habits about being with a boyfriend, habits I formed being around Ryan."

"We have our own habits. It's not like we didn't spend any time together these past couple of years."

"Friend habits, not boyfriend/girlfriend habits. I need to get those out of my system. And maybe I won't ever totally get rid of them, but still, I need more time than this."

"I told you, I can wait."

"I'm not talking days, Ben. Weeks at least. Maybe even longer."

I shrugged. "So? We're eternal. I'll wait for you forever."

"I'm not spending the night tonight."

"Okay."

"I might not spend the night here for the rest of the semester."

"Okay."

"I'm not even sure if I want us to have sex right now."

"Okay."

Dawn rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Stop saying that."

"What? 'Okay'? You don't get it, do you?" I smiled at her. "I'm ready for us now. I know I'm ready. There's nothing you can say to me that will change that. I want you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get you back. I'm pretty sure you already want to get back together with me, so the hard part's out of the way. Now it's just a matter of waiting until you're ready, and doing whatever I can to help that process along."

Dawn glanced at me and chuckled. "Yeah, I guess it's easy for you to just wait. Most guys want to get into a relationship to get regular sex. You can get it anytime you want."

I shook my head. "No, I'm serious. I'm going to wait for you."

Dawn arched an eyebrow at me. "Huh?"

I shrugged. "No sex for me. I'm waiting. I'm done with the casual hookups with girls I barely know. They don't do it for me anymore."

"You still have Adrienne."

I shook my head. "She'll understand. You're all I want right now."

"Ben, this is you. Be serious."

"I am being serious. I'm waiting for you, and that's it."

Dawn sighed. "I don't need you to do that for me. We tried this last time, after we first got together at camp. Being 'faithful' nearly killed our relationship and I ended up with Ryan."

"That was then. This is now."

Dawn looked at me intently, frowning and furrowing her eyebrows again. With a chirp of mild surprise, she said, "Huh. You ARE serious."

I nodded.

She arched an eyebrow and asked, "Well ... what if this takes me... months before I decide I'm ready."

I reached out with my foot and gently ran it along her leg. "Hey, I already said I was going to do whatever I could to speed the process along." I chuckled. "Besides, how long can YOU go without wanting to make love to me?"

Dawn smirked and asked, "Is that a challenge?"

I sat up quickly, waving both hands, "No! No!" And then I grinned. "Just know that I'm ready when you are."

Dawn smiled and then rolled onto all fours, crawling over to me and then almost experimentally tilting her head and pressing her lips softly to mine. It was another one of our "simmering" kisses, and I felt my blood pressure starting to rise.

Blood pressure wasn't the only thing rising, and after a moment, Dawn's hand brushed over my crotch to confirm her suspicions. She pulled away, grinning at me. And then she asked in a smoky voice, "What would you do if I suggested we have sex right now?"

"Throw you onto your back and fuck your brains out," I immediately replied.

"But if I tell you 'not yet'?"

"Then I reserve the right to jerk off as soon as you're gone."

"And what if I send Adrienne in here to tease you?"

"Please don't be mean."

"Alright, alright," Dawn giggled. And then she sat back and looked at me adoringly. "You're really going to wait for me? Big Ben, Playboy of Cal Berkeley, man who's bedded half the campus already, is going to keep it in his pants?"

"Because I love you," I said firmly.

She smiled and kissed me again, quickly but firmly. And then she backed off again and said, "Thank you. You know I want to be with you again. I just need some time to get my head straight."

"You'll know where to find me."

She nodded, got off the bed, and then she was gone.

APRIL 21, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

Pain suddenly blossomed in my right hand. I jerked upright in my chair, gritting my teeth as I realized just in time that I probably shouldn't scream in a filled auditorium. With wide eyes, I looked down at my hand, half-expecting to find it severed at the wrist with blood spurting out of it like a fountain.

But my hand was still attached. And there was no blood. There was a little blue ink on the back of my hand, relatively between the third and fourth knuckles. And Dawn was just removing her ball-point pen, the sharp conical metal tip gleaming like a surgical instrument.

I glared at her. She just grinned and turned forward to face Professor Ice as she wrapped up and dismissed the class. But immediately after dismissing us, the professor looked over at me and called out, "Ben, please stick around for moment."

I glanced at Dawn, who just shrugged and shouldered her bag. She caught Bert's attention, and with parting head nods, the two of them filed out of the class. I'd catch up to them later. Then I headed down to the front of the class where the professor was packing up her own materials.

Seeing me, Professor Ice smirked and commented, "How you do so well despite sleeping through half of my lectures, I'll never know. If you weren't so good a student, I might be offended."

My mouth went dry. "Ah, no offense, Dr. Isakova."

"Call me Viktoriya," she clarified in a charming accent.

I arched an eyebrow in confusion.

"I'm serious," she said. "But not unless we're in private or until the summer."

"The summer?"

"I'll explain in a minute." She shouldered her bag and stood up straight. "I understand that you do not have a class after this. Please, will you walk an old woman to her office?"

Before I could think about it, I was already commenting, "You're not an old woman."

She flashed me a brilliant smile. "Why thank you, young man." And then she turned and began striding out of the lecture hall.

Professor Isakova wasn't an old woman. Mid-30s, I guessed. And a tall Eastern European beauty with chestnut brown hair, piercing dark blue eyes, and a fit body. Still, I didn't know what had possessed me to say that. Habitual flirting, I guessed. But not wanting to get myself into anything deeper than I already was, I kept my mouth shut as I followed after her.

Professor Ice comparatively lived up to her reputation on the short walk over to her office. She walked purposefully ahead of me, moving briskly and with such long strides that I had to focus to keep up. She neither turned around to look at me or otherwise speak with me for the entire trip. And in fact her only change in demeanor was when a fellow professor walked the other way and she tilted her head in a polite, but restrained, greeting.

But then her demeanor changed once again once we got to her office. She closed the door behind us, opened the top button of her blouse and then sat down in her desk chair, the desk pushed against the wall so that there was nothing between her and me as she gestured me into a wing chair. She crossed her legs, which made her knee-length skirt ride up her thigh and show me that she had really well-formed legs. And when the ice-façade dropped and she flashed me another pleasant smile, I started to feel a trace of panic.

It felt like ages ago, but what was it Erica and Angela had told me about Professor Ice way back at the beginning of the year? My memory was great with anything I'd ever read, but conversations didn't always click. Still, I distinctly remembered some jokes about a student named Brian Ogilvie and rumors that he was sleeping with her. And with everything going on with Dawn right now, the LAST thing I needed was a professor hitting on me. I was already wound up from going a few days without sex as it was.

But just as I was starting to work up some sort of defense, a knock came at the door. Professor Isakova brightened and called, "Come in."

The door swung open and to my utter surprise, Kim Fukuzaki was on the other side of the door. The very pretty Japanese-American girl with blonde streaks in her hair was wearing a familiar black and hot pink leather motorcycle jacket and white tank top underneath. She carried her motorcycle helmet in one arm and slapped it as her arm went rigid in surprise at seeing me. "Uh, hey Ben."

"Kim, hey," I replied, just as much in surprise.

"Ah, so you two already know each other?" Professor Isakova inquired.

Kim blinked at me, still surprised. I recovered first and replied, "Sort of old friends. Kind of lost touch this year."

"Well, I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to reconnect," the professor said warmly. "Congratulations to you both on being accepted into the Undergraduate Business Program."

Now Kim had recovered and she bowed her head slightly. "Thank you, Dr. Isakova."

"You'll need to start calling me Viktoriya," the professor clarified. Her eyes darted to me and she smiled again. "But not just yet. Have a seat."

Slightly confused, Kim took the wing chair next to me, giving me a look of 'What's going on?'

I shrugged, not having any answers of my own and we both turned to our professor.

Professor Isakova clasped her hands together and held onto her own knee over her crossed legs and smiled. "I'll get right to the point. Every year I invite my two best students to intern with me over the summer. I'm sure you've heard of some of the research we do into all fields of business, from economics to marketing to organization, etc. I typically publish a paper at the end of each summer, and my assistants will have their names on it as well."

Both Kim and I were nodding. It was a rather prestigious honor and opportunity, and something discussed every year among the students. It was a paid internship and only given to students entering the Undergraduate Program. And those students almost always became the stars of the program in the coming years. I felt my heart speeding up with anxiousness.

Professor Isakova spread her arms. "You're my two best students. I'm inviting you both to work with me. What do you say?"

Kim and I both looked at each other, smiles spreading across both our faces. Yeah, I was a little nervous about working with Professor Ice, but the potential rewards far outweighed any potential discomforts. I mentally smacked myself for even beginning to think that she'd been coming on to me (I must have been even more sex-deprived than I'd thought). And now that I realized that wasn't the case, I quickly warmed to the idea of joining the internship.

"Yes," Kim replied quickly.

"Absolutely, Dr. Isakova," I answered as well.

"No, no. 'Viktoriya', remember?" the professor laughed. "I know it takes some getting used to. I am well aware that my teacher-student persona is not conducive to familiarity. But when we're in private, or during the summer when we're in a working relationship, I find all that stiffness to be a detriment. Okay?"

Kim and both caught on quickly. "Of course, Viktoriya," I said.

"Thank you for this opportunity, Viktoriya," Kim added.

"Okay. I'm going to give you the paperwork now. I expect that despite this initial enthusiasm, you will consider all your options carefully. If you plan to continue and join me, please return the paperwork by Friday."

APRIL 23, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

"All done? Turned in the paperwork? You're one of Professor Ice's interns?" Dawn reached out and took my arm as I caught up to her, hugging herself to my side.

"Yup," I nodded in confirmation. "Still can't believe she picked me."

"YOU can't? I can't believe she picked you. You slept through most of her classes."

"Only Macroecon in the mornings," I said defensively. "I was always awake for the seminar."

Dawn rolled her eyes and I grinned, hugging her arm closer to me. We walked along in silence for another few moments before Dawn glanced over at me. "You look relaxed."

I shrugged. "It's Friday."

"No. You look ... settled. If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought you'd gotten laid this morning."

I frowned and protested, "I didn't!"

"Oh, I know you didn't. You don't have that 'look'. But at the same time, it's been almost a week and you're not cranky or edgy or anything."

I shrugged. "I told you: I can wait."

Dawn sighed regretfully. "You never should have told me you would. I never would have gotten my hopes up over this and you could've been happily boinking Adrienne or the Tri-Delts or anyone else while waiting for me. Paige, especially, has been looking a little anxious. Girl needs something to take the edge off."

I arched an eyebrow. "You encouraging me to have sex with Paige?"

"Well," Dawn stammered. "I'm not encouraging..."

I shook my head. "I'm waiting. I want to wait. And I'm happy to wait. You're worth it, and you're all I want right now."

"But you're YOU. You've got to be all clogged up inside."

I shrugged and smiled mischievously. "Who says I'm clogged up? This memory of mine is good for more than just memorizing text. I was happily replaying some old thoughts I had of you when we were younger."

"Oh?"

I grinned and blushed, looking away. "Nevermind."

"No, tell me. Tell me."

I glanced back at my best friend, taking in her sweet face and radiant smile. I could never dream of hiding something from her if only she asked. With a small sigh, I thought back to the morning's masturbatory session. "Morris Camp, of course, where most of our best memories are from. We were fifteen, and that last week, while we were kissing, you got all hot and just HAD to start rubbing yourself."