Chapter 4: The Day of Reckoning: Edith

Another night with little sleep. I was exhausted when I arrived home from the theatre opening last night. I should have slept soundly, but the confusion rolling around in my head was preventing that. Two nights of little sleep would not help me cope with what was to come. Perhaps I could nap sometime during the day before Howard got home.

I wasn't very effective last night at the opening. I wasn't concentrating very well. I met all the people I planned to meet, but I couldn't seem to get any meaningful conversations started. Perhaps some rest before my talk with Howard would help settle my mind.

As I lay in bed that morning, I thought about what I must do. I must convince Howard that I have given up any idea of an affair. I must make him believe that I am his exclusively and that my request the other night was nothing more than the ravings of a menopausal woman. Surely he could believe that was possible. I had stopped taking hormone replacement therapy after the health scares. Perhaps I could blame it on that.

I told Ginny about my confrontation with Howard. She scolded me for being so careless. She knew of my desire to take a lover. She does not approve. She warned me that Howard would never accept it. She can't understand why I would want to cheat on him. She sees him as the perfect husband. She's right of course. He is perfect. Too perfect.

Why am I so hell-bent on self-destruction? Why do I think I can have my wonderful husband and another man on the side? I don't understand myself. It's not like I haven't had the experience of other men before Howard and I met. I know the difference. I know how much better Howard is than other men. What is driving me to the edge of this cliff?

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need psychiatric help. Maybe it does have to do with menopause. Too many questions. Too much confusion. I won't solve these questions lying in bed. It was time to get up and shower. Eat something. Think about what I want to say tonight. Be prepared. Don't let Howard get the upper hand again.

I made it through the day. I lay down after lunch and slept for almost two hours. I felt better for it. But I could feel my nervousness just below the surface. I wasn't calm at all. It was going to make my conversation with my husband that much more difficult this evening if I couldn't get a grip on my emotions and steady myself. By five-thirty I decided to make myself a strong gin and tonic to help my nerves.

Howard arrived at his usual time, just before six. I was waiting for him in the kitchen. I had prepared one of his favorite meals. I wanted him in the best possible mood. I was still unsettled, despite the drink. I would have another when Howard had his usual glass of wine. I could hear his footsteps in the hall.