Saturday, February 14th, 2009
"Ohhh Joey," I moan softly as my three month old son's lips close hungrily on my left nipple and start to suck. It had amazed me when after having Joey I realized how enjoyable it was to be milked. I'd always imagined beforehand that it would be an uncomfortable chore.
"He's hungry today."
"He's always hungry," I answer as I look up and see my mother standing in the doorway.
"Well, you're certainly full of milk," mom says as she walks into the den and then sits next to me on the couch.
"I know, they're huge," I complain as I lift my right breast in my free hand and test its weight.
"They're perfect," mom compliments.
"I'm fat ... look," I grumble as I let the breast fall free and then pinch the roll of fat at my waist.
"Stop complaining, it's only been three months and you've already lost ninety percent of the weight you gained. You're stomachs flatter than mine."
I spit out a "yeah right" as I move my baby to my other nipple. But I can't help letting out another gasp of pleasure as Joey latches on again.
"You enjoy it don't you? Being milked." mom asks.
As I nod my head yes I ask back, "Did you?"
"Yes," my mother answers softly as she runs her fingers caressingly through my hair. Her love for her daughter shines through her smile. We sit silently as my child suckles. My mother loves her grandchild but also wishes her nineteen year old daughter was away studying at university. I know it's time to tell her.
"It was one year ago exactly," I start.
"Valentines Day?" I can see the interest in her eyes. The hunger she has to know the truth, to know the name of the boy who impregnated her daughter.
"Do you really want to know?" I ask. I can see her trying to control her eagerness as she nods her head.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," she finally says.
"I don't think it's going to be what you and daddy imagined," I caution. I'm still not sure if I should tell her.
"I didn't ever imagine you were going to go out and get pregnant," she answers, the anger that she's just managed to keep simmering under the surface for the last ten months obvious in her voice. The disappointment in me she's unsuccessfully tried to conceal.
"Neither did I," I answer.
"You should be at Harvard instead of--" she starts before she chokes off her reply.
There's no point beating about the bush. "I was raped," I whisper.
"WHAAAAAAAAT!" I can see immediately that it's something she's never considered. Then I watch as a hundred emotions flash across her face. "But--" she starts, then stammers out a string of words. A "fuck" followed by "bastard ... I'll kill him ... who is he? ... why didn't you say something? ... you mean this baby is the--"
"Don't say it mom," I warn as I cup my child's head in my hand and pull him even tighter against me.
She somehow manages to swallow the words.
"You woke me up that morning," I finally say, starting again. I shake my head no to still her as I see a question forming on her lips. "I'd slept in and you were late ... you were in the middle of that big murder trial," I say as the memories of that day, never far from the surface, flood into my brain.
Mom says nothing as she waits for me to continue.
"I'd decided the Sunday before that it was going to be the big day." I can see the question in mom's eyes. "I'd decided to let Jeffrey have my virginity," I finally add.
My mother can't contain herself another second longer. "That little, fucking prick ... I'll kill him," mom promises. She's literally shaking in anger.
"It wasn't him."
"Do you want to hear the story or not?" I ask as I capture her eyes with mine. I can see Mother, a woman who can terrorize witnesses in the courtroom, fight to control her anger. She finally lowers her eyes and nods yes.
"It was an accident, an improbable, serendipitous occurrence of events that caused this wonderful child to be born," I start. I see mom wince at the use of the word serendipitous.
"First of all I slept in that morning...
... I forget about mom as I start to relive that fateful day...
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
"Allison ... Allison..."
"Mum?" I mumble as I slowly come awake.
"Allie, are you up," I hear shouted through my bedroom as my mom's knuckles rap angrily against it. Then I hear the door opening as I attempt to open my eyes.
"You're late," she chastises when she sees that my eyes are open and that I'm watching her. She has her best trial lawyer clothes on.
"I'm tired," I grumble as I stretch my body.
"It's seven thirty; your dad's already left," she says impatiently. Then I remember.
"It's Valentines Day," I say happily. Today's the day!
"C'mon young lady, we've gotta go, I have to be out of here in ten minutes."
"How's it going anyway?" I ask, referring to the trial that she's the lead defense counsel for, the trial that's been taking up almost all her time for the last month.
"It's almost finished ... maybe another week. Now hurry-"
"Are you going to win?"
"Of course I am! What, do you think your mom's some loser who's going to get beaten by some wet behind the ears, geek prosecutor? Now c'mon."
"You go ... I'll walk or get a ride."
"You sure?' she asks. I nod. "You won't just go back to sleep?"
"Well okay, but if I hear-"
"Mother!" We both know that there's no need to argue about school, I've already been accepted into next falls freshman Harvard class.
As she turns to go we're both smiling, but then, instead of rushing out of the room she turns back and says, "I love you Allie."
"Me too mom ... I mean I love you too," I answer as she walks back toward the bed.
"Is everything okay? We haven't talked much since the trial started." She grabs my hands as she says the words.
For a second I want to tell her. Tell her that today's the day. Then almost immediately know that I can't. That if I did tell her we'd be talking all morning and then she'd miss her trial and I'd not lose my virginity.
"Everything's good," I say instead.
"When this is over you and I are going to get some girl time in," she promises.
"A mother and daughter trip ... no daddy," she adds with a smile.
"Shopping?" I encourage.
"Of course shopping! Maybe New York for a long weekend."
"Well we have to start getting you ready for next fall. We'll take all of daddy's credit cards."
"And yours too," I tease back as she leans over to hug me. Then a second later she's up and ready to go. "I'll be late tonight," she says as she retreats but I already know that. Since the trial had started she's never gotten home much before midnight. "And your father's going to be late too. He's flying up to Washington ... won't be back til around midnight."
"Are you sure you'll be all right alone?"
"Are you going out with Jeffrey tonight?"
Again I'm tempted to tell her. But I don't. "Annie's having a Valentines Day party," I say instead. Not a lie but not the truth.
"Don't be too late. And don't do anything-" she starts to add but then stops as she sees my frown and instead she smiles and then bends over and gave me a quick kiss on my cheek. And then she's gone. I'll be a woman when you see me next I promise the empty doorway.
And as I fall back into bed I immediately start to wonder what it will feel like. Jeff's penis! His cock! I wonder for the thousandth time if it will hurt. And how much it will hurt. What his semen will feel like when it spurts up inside me.
Will he want me to lick it before he does it? Yuck! Then I wonder what a penis tastes like as I lift my cami pj top up over my head. I know he likes my breasts. My eyes follow my hands as they move across my stomach and then up until they've cupped them. For the last six months I've been fighting to keep his hands at bay. Tonight I'm going to let him do whatever he wants.
But there's still doubts rumbling around in my brain. "Shut up," I say aloud to the empty room, trying to quiet them.
"Cock-a-doodle-Allie," I yell when I finally jump out of bed and move toward the full length mirror that hangs on the back of my door. Quickly I bend and shuck the thin white panties, baring myself completely. I take my time as I examine the body that faces me. A girls body. Not for much longer I promise my reflection, then turn to grab my camera.
I'd already decided last night that I'd need a photographic record of this most fateful of days and so I'd prepared my camcorder, a 60 Gig hard drive HD Sony. I grab it from the desk where I'd left it and then pick up the tripod, extend its legs, then mount the camcorder and position it next to the mirror. I quickly connect it to the television so I'll be able to watch as I film. Then I turn to the window and open wide the drapes. The sun floods into my boudoir, my film studio, I think happily as I dance back to the camera. I push the start button.
"My name is Allison ... Allie ... Allison Rebecca Townsend," I announce into the microphone as I let the rolling camera capture my nudity. "It's February 12th, 2008, Valentines Day, and I've decided that today is the day I'm going to surrender my virginity. For the first time a boy is going to go here," I add as I walk toward the camera until my small, trimmed triangle of pubic hair is within six inches of the lens. I look over and check the TV to make sure everything is being captured perfectly. It is.
.... There is more of this story ...