Chapter 6

"In the howling wind..."

After that devastating kiss Lily had not let Derek touch her again. She was so focused on keeping him out that there was nothing he could actually do. She was playing a part, she called it the "frosty but polite bitch" and she was determined to succeed. Derek of course could see through her plan but didn't ask. Maybe he could sense why and that was not a pleasant thought. One afternoon, however, as she was curled up on his sofa and reading an analysis on "Summer and Smoke" he couldn't help but comment.

"It's not going to work, you know."

She looked up at him as he was watching a game on TV, sitting as far away from her as possible. He was breathtakingly handsome but there was something else that she hadn't realized before because she was too consumed in her own life and her own troubles. He was exhausted. There was an edge to his features, the smiles didn't reach his eyes and his mouth was a thin line. Lily wasn't sure if this exhaustion had to do with her and her tiresome presence in his small apartment or with his lack of success in finding Jerry's murderer. She wished she could touch the hard lines of his face.

Lily pretended not to understand the statement. "Do you have any objections?" she asked showing him the book. "It's a great play about unrequited love and really bad timing."

Derek didn't even blink. "Let me give you some useful advice. A resourceful, clever and strong woman like you should never try to persuade a man that she is stupid."

She opened her mouth to reply but he shut her up with a move of his hand. "This distance you have put between us is not going to work for long. You're just postponing the inevitable."

"Well then, I'll postpone it for so long that we'll both forget about it."

Derek laughed. It was a short sound, more like a bark. She didn't like it. Now that she had seen the relaxed, fun, teasing side of him it was very unsettling to see that that Derek had disappeared. This cynical stranger was intimidating.

Fate, on the other hand, seemed to be helping to this idiotic idea of hers. They had been so busy during the last week that she had no trouble staying away. Derek was swamped at the office, she had to beg the producers and the director for their forgiveness which of course meant that Mihailov was now openly hostile towards her, then she had been offered a chance to audition for the role of Alma Winemiller for the next season and last but not least the coroner had released the body to Jerry's grieving mother and Lily had to help her organize a funeral. None of it was pleasant. Well, apart from the fact that she was studying a new character. That was exhilarating but it wasn't enough to make her happy. Eventually, she had realized that she needed much more in her life than art. Love would be a good idea if she weren't so determined to avoid it.

Jerry's funeral had been painful. Lily had remained calm even though Derek was close in case she needed him. His mother, however, had cried and collapsed and they had to get her to a hospital ... She was torn between sympathy for the woman and a strong aversion. She didn't want to be there. She didn't need to see all that pain up close, to feel that despair clutching her heart, that sorrow, to hear the reporters ask moronic questions. The need to escape had been overwhelming. And then Derek had put her hand in his and it had become bearable. Just like that.

Derek of course had interviewed Jerry's mother. Mrs. Lowell was a sweet woman who had tried to raise her son alone when his father had disappeared. Her biggest regret was that when Jerry came back from the rehab for the fourth time, she had told him that she didn't want to be in his life anymore. It was a lie but he had respected her wishes and they hadn't spoken again. As the distraught woman explained, she was only trying to wake him up. She couldn't stand the drugs any longer, the nights that he was too stoned to communicate, the throwing up, the awful things he said to her ... Now she wanted nothing more than her son back. Mrs. Lowell adored Lily but she knew that the relationship was fake. She had tried to protect Jerry, to save him and for that Lily respected her very much.

When it was late enough for her to be excused, she went to his bedroom as she did every single night. Derek didn't say anything but neither did she. It was awkward. The atmosphere was heavy with something, probably disappointment and it was better if they didn't talk at all. Of course that didn't mean that she was able to sleep right away. So she read and studied and wrote down notes. Just random things she could figure out about Alma. As well as the who, where, when, how and why that her teachers in drama school had insisted so much upon.

A hoarse cry pierced the air. Lily got out of bed so quickly that the change in altitude made her dizzy. She took a few deep, calming breaths and walked slowly on the balls of her feet towards the living room. She opened the door carefully, heart pounding, trying to consider her options. If someone was attacking them that meant that Derek was probably already hurt. It would be best for her if she tried to hide but she couldn't. First of all because she wasn't a coward and because she knew very well that they would find her eventually so it would be a waste of time. And because of Derek. She couldn't just leave him alone and hurting while she saved her own ass. So running away was not an option.

The living room was so dark that she couldn't see past her own nose. For a few minutes that seemed like an eternity she stayed there, frozen like a statue. Lily knew she was afraid but she accepted that fear and moved on. She focused on her other senses, touching furniture and walls as she walked and trying to hear something else beyond Derek's erratic breathing. Her instincts told her that there was no danger but it wouldn't hurt to turn on the lights. Relief flooded her as she realized they were alone when Derek screamed again at the top of his lungs.

Then she saw him. The blanket was on the floor and he was shivering violently. His hands were in the air trying to catch something and he was crying. It was so wrong, seeing a man like him helpless. The image broke her heart but she couldn't just hug him. It was dangerous. He would be scared and he could easily hurt her. She dropped on her knees beside him and spoke in low, calming tones.

"Derek. Derek, it's me Lily. You are safe. Do you hear me?"

He didn't react to the words so she kept on talking; just repeating that he was safe, trying to reassure him. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked around, disoriented.

"Lily?" His voice broke.

And then she allowed herself to touch him. She caressed his face and whispered, "Yes, it's me. You're fine."

Derek closed his eyes again and then reached out to take her hand and pull her on top of him. It was so sudden that she almost shrieked. Instead she put her head between the column of his throat and his shoulder. Her hands rubbed his chest soothingly but he was holding her tightly as if she was a lifeline.

"Distract me," he panted.

"How?" she asked and then almost felt sorry for asking. She was sure he could think of a very good way but she didn't want to go there.

"Tell me why you quit law school. Why did you choose acting?" Lily was certain that right now he didn't give a damn about her answer but was just trying to focus on something else.

"Well I could have been a good lawyer. Not brilliant but a good one."

"I bet," he said. There was amusement in his voice. "But why acting? With that voice you could have been a singer and don't tell me you can't sing because I won't believe you."

"I can sing," she admitted. "And I can dance or paint or write or direct or whatever. I can do all of those things but acting is not something I can do. It's something I HAVE to do. It's a need for me as strong as breathing. Do you understand?"

"It's hard for me to understand. I think I could never be anyone else but myself."

"That's what you think but I'm sure that when you were a kid you liked to pretend that you were someone else. Maybe a fearless warrior? Or a superhero?"

She could feel him nod so she went on, "You're not going to tell me what you were dreaming about, are you?"

"No." He smiled and kissed the top of her head. It was so comfortable lying in his arms that she could forget herself. The distance she had put between them had vanished. She inhaled and smelled soap on his skin. There was also a faint trace of something else that she couldn't yet define. It was crazy but what she had always considered impossible was slowly becoming a reality. Her brain could not accept that so easily. His arms relaxed but he kept holding her as if she was the one that needed protection.

"Can I ask another question then?"

"Shoot." His breathing was now even and she focused on the steady beat of his heart.

"Why did you choose this job? Don't tell me that you needed the money because as I recall you come from a wealthy family."

Derek didn't speak for a while but then his answer surprised her. "I hate to disappoint you but at first it was about the money. I wanted to be my own person. I didn't need my father paying. If I allowed them to spend money on me it would give them a chance to mess with my life."