Chapter 4

The damage done to my life and to my marriage by those two animals turned out to be irreversible. But after more heartbreak than I care to go into again I was finally starting to get my life back on track.

The trials and the appeals were finally over. Having to relive those events on the witness stand with all those witnesses had been hell. It was almost as bad as when we went through it the first time.

JT and Luke were convicted of murder, kidnapping and rape. They were sentenced to death. The jury didn't even have to think about it. They came back into the courtroom so quickly I don't think that they even had time to sit down in the jury room.

But it hadn't been easy for Jim or me. I had been forced to relive those horrible days over and over again. And it didn't get any easier as time passed. The wounds those two men inflicted were raw. And now I think that they may never heal.

Unfortunately, the damage they did to my marriage turned out to be irreparable. We tried. We both tried. We were just never the same again. We could never look each other in the eye without seeing what had been done to me.

The worst things, the things Jim hadn't seen, the things that I kept from him had come out at the trial. He heard my testimony as I was forced to describe in great detail everything that was done to me in that redneck bar and at the farm. It was almost as humiliating as when it had actually been happening.

Oh, they felt sorry for me. The lawyers, the jury, the press, the crowded galleries of court watchers, they all felt sorry for me. But after the testimony, after they heard what I had done, what had been done to me, they all looked at me differently. I guess I can't blame them. It's just human nature.

I hadn't just been raped. Men had pissed down my throat. I had been fucked by more men than I could count and then by a dog. The very next night I had sex with half a dozen more men and two horses.

I could never again be who I once had been. And no one could hear what I had done and see me as a normal, average woman.

I noticed that people didn't even want to touch me once they heard what I had done. People wouldn't shake my hand. People who had once been my friends wouldn't place a casual hand on my shoulder. When I stepped into a crowded elevator, people edged away from me. It was as if they were afraid that they'd catch something if their skin came into contact with mine.

I was required to spend a lot of time at the DA's office going over my testimony before the trial. It was always the same. Whenever I entered his office all conversation stopped instantly. The women in his outer office stared at me as I passed through and then I heard the excited but indistinct buzz of conversation as soon as I left the room.

I felt like I was being raped all over again. In a sense I was.

The jury and the packed audience heard all about the gang rape by a bar full of rednecks. They were treated to the lurid details of my being raped by a dog on a table after all the men had their way with me, all for the amusement of the crowd which paid ten dollars apiece for the show.

In addition to the minute by minute details of the rapes I suffered at the hands of JT and Luke they also heard all about what happened when I had been forced to have sex with two horses. To say that some horrible event took place was never enough. Each time I was required to relive each horrifying moment for the record, and for all those people who hung on my every word.

And if my narrative wasn't enough, the jury was treated to stills from the movie that had been made. They even heard about the four men who had urinated down my throat.

During the testimony I watched Jim out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't look him in the eyes. Every word had been like a blow to him. He never recovered.

I was degraded even further when a lot of those lurid details made it into the news. Not the legitimate press. They wouldn't print those disgusting details. But the tabloid press wasn't so principled. They had a field day with it. I heard that much of my testimony was available on the internet and I gathered from a conversation that I overheard later that some of the photographs that were used in court could also be found on the net.

Living in a tiny town as we did, well, it's the nature of small towns that word gets around. Everyone knew what happened to me long before I got home from testifying at the trial.

When I got home I saw it in their faces. They were sympathetic, of course. It didn't matter, though. Seeing that knowledge in the eyes of everyone I knew and everyone I met on the street was more than I could stand. And worst of all, just like it had been with all those strangers at the trial in Pennsylvania my friends at home avoided touching me now. No one would hug me or shake my hand, much less look me in the eye and treat me like the lifelong friend I had been.

Jim finally moved out. I didn't blame him. We had been to see every kind of counselor there was. Marriage counselors, trauma counselors, sex counselors. None of them could change what had happened to me, or erase those images from Jim's brain.

After Jim moved out I stayed in the house for a while. I was still so embarrassed that I couldn't even bring myself to shop in town. I had to drive sixty miles for a quart of milk.

I eventually went back to work, but only for one day. My co-workers, the people who had once been my friends now looked at me like an alien that had escaped from Area 51. They weren't openly hostile. But it was obvious that they would all be more comfortable if I weren't there. They almost seemed to resent me for trying to get my life back on track!

I went home after that first day back at work and cried for hours. I knew that I couldn't go back there. I called my boss the next morning and told him I wouldn't be coming back.

He understood. He told me that he would give me a good recommendation if anyone contacted him. I knew he would. But I also knew that he was glad I was leaving. I heard the relief in his voice.

Everyone was uncomfortable when I was around. They felt sorry for me. But they couldn't look me in the eye and have a conversation without picturing the things that had been done to me. I was a woman who had fucked a dog and had sex with two horses, not to mention more men that I could count.

I sat around the house for a couple of weeks and cried a lot. I finally ran out of tears. I started looking for a new job and a new place to live. I didn't know where I was going. But I knew I had to leave here. I put my house up for sale.

I received no prior notice, but I wasn't surprised when a registered letter arrived in the mail containing divorce papers. I signed them without even reading them. I didn't even notice that Jim had given me everything we had owned jointly. I didn't find out until I sold the house and had to know.

Jim and I had made a lot of improvements to our house. It was our dream home. I got lucky, if I can use that word. Our house sold for what I was asking at a time when the housing market was sky high. I made an obscene amount of money and sent Jim a check for half.

With the rest of the money I put my belongings in storage and drove to Atlanta to look for a job. I'm a graphic artist by trade. Checking the internet I gathered that the fastest growing market for my skills on the east coast was in the Atlanta area.

I stayed in an extended stay motel on the outskirts of Atlanta and started my job search in earnest. I received some attractive offers. But the most interesting job, which was also the job with the best pay and the best benefits, was with a small firm in Augusta, about one hundred and fifty miles east of Atlanta. They were so impressed with my resume that they even offered to pay to move my belongings down from Vermont and gave me a significant signing bonus.

I hadn't expected such generosity and was touched. I liked these people already.

I spent a couple of days finding an apartment and getting set up. I wanted to get to know the area better before I started shopping for a new home.

Compared to Atlanta, Augusta is a small town. But compared to the little town that I came from in Vermont, this was the big city. I had trouble getting around without getting lost for a while. But I figured out the main streets and boulevards before long and got settled in.

The immediate benefit of moving here was that nobody knew me or knew what had happened to me. I could even go to the nearest store for groceries and look people in the eye. Except I wasn't very good at that yet. I still had vivid memories of the things that had been done to me and I couldn't look people in the eye. Not yet.

The new job was great. I liked the people and they seemed to like me. It was just a nice, friendly place to work. They had really been short handed when they hired me. They have a problem with losing people to the big firms in Atlanta. Therefore I had to hit the drawing board running, so to speak.

That was great for me. My new job was a wonderful distraction. I was able to stop thinking about my troubles for a while.

I don't want to sound too vain. But I have a knack. I'm very good at what I do. My employers recognized my talents and quickly increased my workload. I was happier for it. I threw myself into my work and the months flew by.

I quickly found myself doing a lot more interacting with clients and after a while I started getting my confidence back. It was not uncommon for me to meet with clients in the evening for dinner or at a quiet club with proposals and preliminary sketches. Since I didn't really have a life of my own anymore I actually enjoyed most of those meetings.

I had no clue when I agreed to take some of my work out to the new documentary film company opening up outside of town that my life was about to change forever ... again. There was no way that I could have known that my brand new life was about to come crashing down around me.

I printed out a map on my computer with the driving directions. I gathered up everything I needed for my presentation. I told my secretary where I was going and went out to the parking lot.

One of the first things I did after I sold the house was buy a new car. There were too many bad memories associated with the old one.

I piled my things into the trunk of my new Lexus and took a good long look at the map I printed out. The car has one of those GPS things in the dashboard. But I haven't figured out how to use it yet. Stupid, I know. I spend far too much of my time lost since I moved to Georgia. But I'm just not good with gadgets.

I studied the map and thought I knew just about where I was going. I started the car and headed out. It was still a bit early and rush hour hadn't really kicked in yet so it was a pretty easy drive.

I found the place. Fortunately, they have a nice big sign out by the road or I would have driven right past. The studios are located on what had once been a large farm.

Even after all this time I was uncomfortable driving up to a farm. I had to force myself to calm down and remind myself that all of the terrible things that happened to me were a year ago and half a continent away.

I pulled up to the well kept farm house and parked. I pulled my briefcase and presentation case out of the trunk and as I made my way to the front door I took deep breaths and forced myself to calm down and not think about the last time I was on a farm.

I was met at the door by a young woman. I introduced myself. She was expecting me. She smiled and politely asked me to follow her. I followed her inside and down a short hallway. The rooms that we passed had all been converted into offices and a large conference room. The building almost buzzed with activity. They obviously spent a lot of money on remodeling and upgrading. It was a very professional looking operation. I was impressed.

I was led into an office and offered a seat. I was told that Mr. Todd would be with me shortly.

While I was waiting I went through my papers and made sure I was prepared for any questions. It was Friday afternoon and I imagine that anyone else would have been anxious to finish up and go home. Since I didn't have a life outside of the office I was in no hurry. I was all set to make the best presentation these people have ever seen.

It was probably ten minutes before I heard footsteps coming down the hall toward the office I was waiting in and at last two men came in. When I became aware that they were coming into this room I stood up and turned to greet them.

As soon as I saw them the blood drained from my face. I recognized them immediately. They were two of the men that filmed me having sex with horses a year ago.

I turned back around immediately and reached for my bags. I stood up and mumbled, "Excuse me. I can't stay here."

One of the men had stepped into the room and was behind me. The other was standing in the door looking at me with an evil grin on his face.

"Well I'll be damned! Look what we have here! Hello, Jean! This is perfect timing. We've been having trouble finding another star to replace you in our newest epic films. Your first movie is still selling like hotcakes. It's been one of our biggest hits ever.

"We made certain that word got out that it was authentic. Your testimony at the trial was all the advertising we needed. The perverts loved it that you really were being forced to do those things; you weren't just some drug addicted crack whore working for a fix.

"After word got out we couldn't keep up with the demand. Your DVDs have been flying off the shelf as fast as we can produce them. The world is full of perverts that get off on seeing some cute little housewife getting raped and will pay a lot of money for the privilege."

I tried bluffing my way out. "Get out of my way," I demanded. "I'm not starring in any more of your movies and I'm not representing your slimy movie company either. Now get out of my way before I call the cops. Don't think you can pull anything, either. My secretary knows where I am."

The man that had come into the room behind me sat down behind the desk and said, "Yes. I have no doubt that she knows where you went when you left the office. But she doesn't expect to hear from you before Monday, does she?"

"Yes!" I lied. "I told her I would check in before I went home."

It sounded like a lie, even to me.

The man behind the desk reached into his desk and pulled out a DVD case. I glanced at it and saw immediately what it was. There was a picture of me and a horse on the cover.