Chapter 2

Mother Superior sent Sister Mary Margaret away and continued to watch the novice through the two-way mirror. Sister Mary Julian paced her small room, stopping each time she came to her bed. She'd stand there rubbing her palms on her thighs, wringing her hands, and clenching and unclenching her fists as she stared down at the soiled habit.

One time she stopped in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. Her stare was so intense that Mother Superior jerked back as if the novice was able to see her. But she realized the young girl was admonishing herself for being stupid enough to put herself into the predicament she was in. The novice raised a fist and was about to pound her reflection which caused Mother Superior to stoop slightly and hold her breath wondering if the glass would be broken, but then the fist came down on top of the chest -- and then she slammed it again and again.

The novice looked at her watch and her shoulders slumped. She dressed and sat on the side of the bed with her face cupped in her hands. Mother Superior checked her watch and left the room, walking the short distance to Sister Mary Julian's cell. She hesitated a moment before softly tapping on the door.

The novice jumped off the bed and looked around the room as if seeking an escape route, but then hurried to the door and opened it.

"It's almost time for dinner," Mother Superior said.

"Oh, okay. Thank you, Reverend Mother."

"Sister Mary Julian, why are you still in your lay clothes?"

The novice turned red and lowered her eyes. Mother Superior noticed her body trembling slightly.

"Did your new clothing not fit?"

Without raising her eyes, the novice said, "I, um, haven't tried it on yet."

"Well, child, what are you waiting for? Are you having doubts about your new life?"

The novice's head shot up. "Oh no. This is what I want ... with all my heart. It's just that ... um ... I ... um..."

"Don't be afraid." Mother Superior placed a hand on the young girl's shoulder. "I know this was a hard decision and it's not for everyone, but--"

"NO! Oh, I'm sorry for yelling, Reverend Mother. It's not that. It's just that my new clothes are, um, dirty."

"Oh my! How can that be?" Mother Superior placed both hands on the sides of her face like the famous pose in the Home Alone movie. I am truly sorry. Let me see it."

The novice's body trembled more visibly now. "Please, Reverend Mother, can't I just get it washed?"

"Nonsense. I need to see it so I know who to have a talking to."

Mother Superior pushed past the novice and walked straight to the bed. She stopped and stared at the habit and then turned to the frightened girl.

"What's that?" she said, her arm extended, her finger rigid and pointing accusingly at the filmy white stain.

"Oh, Reverend Mother, I can't tell you." The novice's whole body shook and tears filled her eyes.

"Did you sin?"

"Oh, Reverend Mother, how can I confess that to you?"

"Sister Mary Julian, you know that only a priest can hear your confession and that according to Canon Law nuns in a convent are exempt from confession. The bishop has to specially approve a priest to hear our confession and that only happens two or three times a year. So although I am not a priest and can't officially hear your confession, the other sisters find it comforting to unofficially confess to me. It won't save your soul but will make you feel better." Placing an arm over the novice's shoulders, she said, "Now, my child, tell me what's troubling you."

The novice burst into tears and Mother Superior pulled the sobbing girl's face to her chest and patted her back as she cried. "Now, now, it's all right," Mother Superior said soothingly. "Tell me what you did and you'll feel better."

"It was I... (sob) ... who stained... (sob) (sob) ... my new clothes."

Patting the novice's back, Mother Superior said, "How can that be? What could you have spilled on your habit?"

The novice cried even harder, gasping for breath as she found it difficult to breathe. Mother Superior let her cry for a while and then pushed her away from her body, holding her at arm's length. She shook the much smaller girl until she calmed down and opened her eyes. Mother Superior stared at the young nun's green eyes now surrounded by redness.

"There's no sense crying over spilled milk," Mother Superior said. "It's not milk, is it?"

The novice's hands covered her face and she said, "No, Reverend Mother, it isn't milk."

"Then what?" Mother Superior's tone changed and she said forcefully, "Stop acting like a child! Tell me what happened!"

"I ... I was sitting on the bed and my new habit was on the bed and I was sitting on it."

"Go on."

"Oh, Reverend Mother, how can I?" Once again the novice burst into tears and backed up. When she bumped into the bed she sat down.

Mother Superior sat next to the novice and waited for her to catch her breath and for her crying to mostly cease. Then she said in her authoritative voice, "Sister Mary Julian, look at me." The novice's hands slid off her face and she turned to the side. "Were you pleasuring yourself?"

"Oh, Reverend Mother, I am so ashamed. How can I seek your forgiveness?"

"My child, why would you need my forgiveness?"

The novice's crying stopped completely and she stared at Mother Superior with open mouth and wide eyes. "Because I sinned. I'm not worthy to be a nun."

"Nonsense!"

"What?! We were taught that--"

"I know, I know," Mother Superior said despondently, hanging her head and shaking it. Then she looked up. "But if that made us unworthy to be a nun, there wouldn't be any nuns."

The 19-year-old novice was speechless. She stared at the older nun. Her mind was in turmoil. What is she saying? I must have misunderstood her. This can't be. Concentrate! Listen carefully.

"Why did you choose to become a nun?" Mother Superior asked.

"It was my calling."

"Good textbook answer. But why was it your calling?"

"I want to be close to God. I want to serve Him. If I dedicate my life to God I will reap an eternal happiness in Heaven."

"And what about on Earth?"

"What do you mean? I will have serenity ... and I'll have spiritual comfort knowing I've dedicated my life to God."

"But what about physical comfort?"

The novice's eyebrows furrowed as she stared at Mother Superior. She agreed to the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. This was her superior and she owed her obedience. But how much could she admit to?

"I don't need the comforts lay people have. I can live happily in the convent."

Mother Superior rubbed her chin as she studied the young girl. "Yes, life here can be hard. We give up a lot to save our souls. But I'm not talking about fancy clothes or living in a big house. Our Heavenly Father designed our bodies..." Mother Superior paused and rubbed her chin again, and then said, "Tell me, are you a virgin?"

The novice's face turned bright red and then paled. She looked into Mother Superior's eyes and couldn't turn away. She needed to be obedient and there must have been a reason for that question to be asked. Was it a test?

"No, Reverend Mother."

"I was when I became a nun. I'm from a different generation than you."

"I'm sorry, I was young and--"

"I'm not scolding you, my child. Like I was saying before, our Heavenly Father designed our bodies to enjoy sex so it's not a sin to have sex."

"But I wasn't married."

"Yes, according to our teachings that is a sin. But like I said, you come from a different generation than I."

"You mean it was okay?"

"I'm not going to say that. But our traditions change. It wasn't that long ago that we couldn't eat meat on Fridays. But to the chagrin of the fishermen..." Mother Superior uncharacteristically chuckled, "we no longer have to eat fish on Fridays."

"But I'm a nun now."

"And so am I. But I too have a body that God made, as do the other sisters here. We have learned how serve God spiritually and to honor His desire for us to receive physical pleasure."

"You mean you masturbate!" the novice said incredulously, and then clamped a hand over her mouth.

"When I have to."

"But, Reverend Mother, I have to do it a lot." Her voice was soft and muffled behind her hand.

Mother Superior gently pulled the novice's hand down. "I would too if it weren't for the other sisters."

The novice stared at Mother Superior with a blank expression. She was speechless. And then she closed her eyes when Mother Superior brushed her cheek with the back of her fingers.

"You are so young and have much to learn. I will be your teacher. Such smooth skin," Mother Superior said as she stroked the novice's cheek again. "I remember when I had skin like yours." And then her eyes lowered to the novice's chest. "And when I had firm breasts too."