I sit here thinking of how over the years that I have become the way I am. Where did it all start? How did it all start? Is anyone to blame? Where would I be today if things would have been different? You know that movie "The Butterfly Effect" It got me thinking; what if my parents had not split up? Would I have found the things I found in my mother's bedroom?
I know I would most likely have been just as curious about things, but sex? Would I have been treated differently by my parents? Would I have had the freedom I had? So you see I have a lot to ponder. I have decided to tell you how it all started and I think I'll write it from the way I saw things then. After all at eleven years old when it came to sex I knew nothing at all. I did not know the words or anything of what they even meant.
I remember I was about to turn 11 when Dad moved out to be with his new girlfriend. It wasn't long after that when the divorce came. You know, before the divorce I seldom saw my father, but because of it, I was with him every other weekend. Before the divorce, I don't think he gave me anything other than what I needed, you know, school clothes, shoes, stuff like that. But after the divorce, both Mom and Dad seemed to go out of their way to give me things. Some things I would just say I like it and bam! I had it!
One weekend that Dad had me he took me to the mall and as we walked around, he had asked me what I wanted for my birthday. At that time we were in Radio Shack, and I was looking at the new laptop computers and I have no idea why I pointed to the one sitting there for $800, but I did, and I told him I wanted this new laptop.
He made a big deal out of it and the price. I had suspected that there was no way I was going to get him to spend that kind of money on me, but to my surprise when I opened my birthday present from him, it was the laptop. I used it for games and I looked up things for school, that was it.
One night about a week or two after my birthday, I woke up and had to pee. Our (my) bathroom was at the end of the hallway. I say my bathroom, because Mom had her own her bathroom off her bedroom. I walked down to the bathroom and I noticed that my mother's door was a tiny bit ajar. It was just open a crack; I saw a light reflecting off her wall-length closet doors and I knew the light was coming from her bathroom. Just as I was going to pass, I heard a noise coming from her room that I had never heard before.
I stopped and peeked in and the light from the bathroom lit up her bedroom. I saw my mother through the mirrored doors alongside her bed. I saw her with the sheets and covers off of her, lying on the floor in front of her bed. She was naked and on her back. Her feet were flat on the bed and she had her knees bent and very wide open.
I could see that she had her hands down between her legs and she was moving her wrist/hands, holding something with her fingers. And whatever it was that she was holding was going in and out of her body. You know, the place where we pee. (Of course, now I know what it is, but at the time I had just turned 11, and that was my pee-pee.) Now at school I heard kids talk about our special place down there and Mom had told me once that no one was allowed to touch that but me when I went to the bathroom. Watching her touch hers made me very curious.
I just stood there, peering, with my face as close as I dared to get it, looking in through the crack of the door. Mom was moaning and making all kinds of sounds. I watched as she stopped holding whatever it was with both hands and she reached behind her head, grabbing something else from the open compartment between her bookshelves.
She let go of the thing between her legs and, while holding this big white tube that looked bigger than any flashlight that I had ever seen, she twisted the bottom of it and whatever it was began to hum. She brought it down between her legs and after she again grabbed hold of the thing that was sticking out of her, she put the big white thing against herself and began moving the other one in and out of her hole again.
I watched as she began moving her hips up and down, rotating them as she moved that thing faster and faster. It kept getting smaller and smaller as it went inside of her. She stopped moaning and began saying things that I had never heard her say: "Fuck me, baby, fuck me, harder, harder, deeper, yea, that's it, honey, fuck your bitch, fuck me, give me that cock, you bastard, fuck that pussy, more, ohhh more, Oh My God, Oh my God, Jesus I'm coming, OH JESUS, OH JESUS, NOW, NOW OHHHHHH OH MY GODDDDDDDD I'M COMMMMMIIIINNNNGGGG!"
I watched as she raised her hips off the bed, lifting herself up, holding every bit of whatever it was that had been outside of her legs that was now all the way inside her. I could see her fingers holding the end or bottom of the thing as she pressed the big white thing so hard against herself it was surrounded by her skin.
I knew inside of me that I should not be watching her like this; I knew that whatever she was doing had to be private. But I could not move; I did not want to miss a thing. I watched as her whole body just shook and shook. She moaned as she held her hips high; the look on her face told me that whatever she was doing, she really liked doing.
It seemed like a very long time before she dropped her bottom down back onto the bed. When she did bring her bottom down, she kept her legs bent as she kept holding the white thing between her legs. I could hear the humming and Mom just lay there. I saw that she had let go of the thing that she had stuffed inside of herself and it was coming out. I was so amazed as it kept coming out of her. It was a little bit fatter than the big white thing humming, and geez, was it long.
I had forgotten all about having to pee. I just stood there, waiting to see what was going to happen next. It was a long time before Mom pulled that thing all the way out of herself. I watched as she dropped her legs flat on the bed, but kept the humming thing against her as she pulled the other fat pink thing up to her mouth where she began to lick it.
I even reached down between my own legs to see if I could touch myself like where she had those things. I wanted to see if there was something down there that I could touch and maybe feel something like what she had. I didn't have anything to stick into my pee hole and even if I did, I don't think I would have even tried it standing there in the hallway.
I watched as Mom brought the big fat pink thing that was inside of her between her legs to her lips. She lay on her back as she slowly lifted it up above her head. I heard her say, "Yea, I'll suck your cock, give me that prick." Opening her mouth, she brought the end of it down and began sucking on it. Her cheeks expanded as she put it in her mouth and, tilting her head back, she kept putting more of it inside.
She held it with one hand as she let go of the white thing and I watched as she reached down between her legs with her fingers. I watched as she began to rub herself down there. I put my hand down there like she had hers and I pressed in. I began rubbing in a circle as she was doing, and I sure liked the way it felt.
It wasn't long before she reached for the other thing that was still humming lying on the bed, raising her knees back up. I watched as that big white fat thing disappeared into her, right where the pink thing was that she was sucking had been. I watched as she moved it up and down then, pulling it inside herself.
She lay there, sliding it in and out of her body as she slid the pink thing in and out of her mouth. I was fascinated watching her doing that; I loved the way I was feeling down there between my own legs as I kept rubbing myself. I wondered if I could find my hole between my legs with my finger. It took some searching but I did. I had to work at getting my finger inside of it. It hurt a tiny bit at first, but I wanted to see if by doing the same thing with my finger could make me react the way Mom was.
I had my finger as far up inside of myself as I could get it. I stood there peering through the door watching her in the mirror. I had to squat just a little to get my finger all the way up inside of myself, standing there in the hallway. I kept my eyes fixed on Mom as her wrist really began moving that thing faster -- and I mean real fast. I could hear the sounds she made with the thing in her mouth. I could not believe my eyes as so much of it went inside her.
I watched as her whole body stiffened again and she was moaning so loud. I watched as she stuffed the white plastic thing all the way up inside of her. I stood there watching and it made me shiver with my own excitement. I know now what she was feeling but at the time I didn't. I just knew that I wanted to feel whatever it was she felt. At the time I just knew it was wrong, I also knew that I wanted to feel like her. I don't know why I knew it, but I did.
Mother finally stopped moaning and she pulled the thing out of her mouth. I watched as she pulled the thing out from between her legs and turned off the humming sound. She brought the white thing to her mouth and she licked it like she was licking a Popsicle. Finally, she turned around and put them both inside a hidden cabinet in between the bookshelves in her headboard. I have been in her bedroom all my life and in her bed but I never knew she had that thing with the secret door.
After she put those things away, she got up and went into her bathroom. I knew it was time for me to go use mine. As I sat there peeing, I could not help but wonder two things. I wondered if I would ever do what she did and if I would feel the way she felt. I also wondered if I would ever see her do that again.
I went back to my room and I could not wait to get into her room and look in that hidden cabinet. I was always into her stuff playing with her jewelry and things I would borrow her hair clips and ear rings, wearing them around the house. I saw some other stuff in there before she closed the hidden door. I could not wait to look inside it.
I knew that my sitter always stayed in the den watching TV so I knew I would be into that cabinet right after school tomorrow. With everything that I had seen, I was wide awake, so I turned on my new laptop. I knew that what Mom was doing had something to do with sex, and so I went looking for a bulletin board that was about sex. It did not take long before I found one. I read and read. I could not get enough information.
I noticed that it was almost dawn and I knew I had to get some sleep. When Mom woke me I was sleepy, I told her I did not feel well and she of course told me to stay in bed, that I didn't have to go to school. I went back to sleep and when Mrs. Bracket brought me some soup for lunch, I woke up and ate it.
When Mrs. Bracket came back and got the bowl and went back to the kitchen, I got up. I got up and went into my mother's room. I went straight to the hidden compartment in my mother's headboard. It took me a little bit of investigating but I finally found out how to open it up. When I did, I thought I had hit the jackpot.
Inside were the two things that she had used the night before. Along with that was another big fat rubber thing, only this one was real black; she had three other plastic vibrators, from one real tiny to the great big one that she used last night. I picked it up and took off the end; there were four of those big batteries inside of it. I put them back and found out how she made it hum, it tickled my hand as it vibrated.
I knew I would try it later but I had to see the other things in her secret cabinet. I found four videotapes. They had pictures on the boxes that showed different things. One showed this woman my mother's age in the middle of five black men and she had one man's thing in her mouth, one in her butt and one in her pee-pee, and she was holding two of the men by their big things sticking out from between their legs. (Yea, yea, they were cocks, but remember I had just turned 11 and had no idea what anything was called.) The title on the box said, "Cindy Gets Nailed."
Another video box had a woman real young on her hands and knees kneeling with a man behind her and she was sucking another man as other men watched. The title on that box said, "Can't Get Enough Cock." One of the boxes had a picture of a woman sitting in a chair with a man licking her between her legs as she was sucking another man standing next to her. It said, "Cock-Hungry Mary."
The other two boxes were just plain white with writing on them. One said, "Six Hours of Ten Gangbangs" and the other said, "Six Hours of K-9." Mom also had some books in there; four of them were small books and she had one big book called "The Joy of Sex." I picked it up and it had all kinds of pictures and very easy to read stuff explaining the pictures. I took it to my room after I shut the compartment door. Oh yea, I also took the smallest vibrator that my mom had in there back to my room with me.
I read that book and memorized those pictures that afternoon. I wore out the batteries in the little plastic vibrator as I kept it between my legs as I read. It felt real good but nothing like what I saw with Mom last night. After reading that book I knew that she had to have had an "orgasm" and the rubber things were called dildos and the plastic ones were also dildos, but they are called vibrators.
Mrs. Bracket checked on me twice before Mom got home. I could hear her coming so I just hid the book and vibrator under my pillow. The batteries lasted maybe 30 or 40 at best. Dead batteries did not stop me, I used that small vibrator al afternoon and once I found my hole I had it inside. I felt my first orgasm that afternoon and I drained the batteries from my clock, my portable radio and my portable cassette player (we did not have CD players then). I used it so much I felt raw down there, but as sore as I was, I wanted that feeling again. Mom always gets home around 6:30 so I made sure everything was back in place before she got home.
I stayed in my room in my bed all day and I was on my laptop just as Mom got home. She came in to see me and asked what I was doing, I showed her I had looked up Indians and I was reading about them for a school project. She was glad I was feeling better and she said she would call me when supper was ready.
She walked out and I went looking for the sex bulletin boards. Now that was in 1983 and for on-line service at that time, it was Tandy (and of course all the colleges and universities), so signing on was a chore. (That was way before AOL. AOL came out around '84, maybe '85.) Still, I did manage to find ways to get online and into those early sex chat rooms. Only then they were public bulletin boards. By that I mean, we would post something up and another person would immediately post what they had to say. Nothing was private, everyone read everything.
It was a far cry from what we have today, but it did work. It did not take me long to get into the real dirty stuff. Now using those primitive methods we chatted. Once I discovered others online, we would talk using those bulletin boards. Once I got the hang of it, I would chat for hours. Because of that "Joy of Sex" book I had some idea what everyone was talking about. Mom would think I was doing homework in my room while she was watching TV. I also would get up after she went to bed and get to talking online.
That night at the table eating, I sat there wondering if Mom would do what she did last night again. I looked at her wondering if she liked doing the things like those women did on the covers of the videos I had seen. Did Mom like being with lots of men? Is that why Daddy left? Did Dad know what Mom did at night in bed? Do women do that stuff with their husbands?
I had all kinds of questions that I wanted to ask her but I knew I could not. I ended up asking those things on the bulletin boards and, like I said, I did a lot of my research there. From that day on it all of my research was on SEX. It was crude, compared to today, but I was able to get lots of information. Every night after I finished the dishes, I would tell Mom I was going to my room to do my homework.
I remember how proud she was of me that I did not want to go outside and play, that I had put my schoolwork first. And like I said, it did start out that way. Once I found out about sex and my mother's stash, once I found the sex bulletin boards, I was hooked. I wanted to learn everything that I could. I read and talked of sex for hours on end.
At first I asked some dumb questions but slowly I had an idea of what I was talking about. When I was asked my age, I told everyone that I was 23 and that I was a virgin. (I was a virgin, after all!) To say that I was a very popular girl on the net was an understatement. I asked all kinds of questions and I found all kinds of people that gave me advice.
I would search for hours looking for the dirtiest X-rated bulletin boards that I could find. Like I said, at first I would just sit there and read what they all talked about. When someone asked a question of the group like "any girls out there?" and that was always followed by "age?" I was talking to everyone as they talked to me. I would tell them how much I yearned to feel a cock in me and how hot my pussy was. I would ask them if anyone knew what I could do to fuck myself with because I didn't want to go buy a rubber cock because I was shy.
I think I was having public cybersex that very night. I would type a little, touch myself a little, read what they wrote me and repeat the cycle. It wasn't long before I was doing gangbang cybersex. I loved talking dirty to those men. Men that I knew were old men, women who were telling me what to do, where to touch and how it should feel.
The next day I used my mother's next largest vibrator. I was determined to fuck myself with it. I sat up cross-legged on my bed with the end of it against my hole as I typed. I held it in place with the heel of my foot. Mrs. Bracket never checked on me once. I was prepared that day; I had emptied the flashlights of the "C" batteries and I drained every one of them.
I would talk filthy to old men and young men, I would talk of sucking their cocks, and they told me about eating my pussy and fucking my asshole. They told me when they were jacking off and coming, I told them how I was fucking myself and coming.
The next day at supper Mom asked me if I had been in her bedroom. She asked me about all the dead batteries in the flashlights. She even asked me if I had some batteries that she could borrow. She told me she would replace them tomorrow. I had two games that had batteries in them, I gave them to her and I knew that I should not use her stuff again. (The vibrators, that is.)
I began reading her dirty little books, and gee, they were very explicit and I could picture everything they described. I found I could use that information in talking online with others and since they for the most part dealt with gangbangs, I became very knowledgeable on that subject. There was a lot of ass fucking as well.
Between the books and the online people, I was really becoming an online slut. People sent me filthy stories because I had mentioned I was reading a sex book and I was asked how I liked reading dirty books. I told them I liked it a lot. I had a floppy drive in the laptop so I began storing dirty stories.
Once I finished my mother's books, I began looking for dirty stories online. I found the "news groups" and all kinds of filthy stories there. Keep in mind that everything I had seen and read was about a woman engaged with more than one man; in fact, almost everything Mom had involved gangbangs. When I was on the net, talking to others, the subject was gang-bangs and having sex in bathrooms, night clubs, cars, vans and on the beach.
So for a very young girl just learning things, I quickly learned the nastiest things concerning sex. Now, to add to that, I thought everyone did sex like I had read. The people I spoke with online told me it was normal. Mom with her books and videos told me it was normal. (She didn't actually tell me that, of course.) One of the things that I was told I thought was a little different (but not abnormal; how could I know what was abnormal?) was the many women that told me how much they loved to have sex with a dog. Then of course the men that would come online and say how much a turn-on it was to watch a woman and a dog.
I was encouraged many, many times to allow a dog to take my virginity, because that way I would be able to handle any man when I was ready. They called it K-9 love, and Mom had a six-hour movie about that, so again, nothing seemed out of the norm for me. I had no idea what "the norm" was.
Because of my sitter always in the den I could not get any of my mother's videos to watch. I also knew that I could not use her TV and VCR in her room because of Mrs. Bracket being in the house I decided to hint to Dad that I wanted a VCR.
Using the net, I found out those men liked nasty woman (as they put it): They liked women who wore dresses and skirts with nothing underneath. Almost every woman I met online told me that they loved being naked under their dress and skirts. I realized much later that the people I spoke with using girls' names had to be boys. However at the time I honestly thought I was speaking to grown women.