Chapter 15: Cheater

The guilt hit me well before I got back to my house.

I'd only felt this kind of guilt once before: the last time I'd cheated. And I was under no illusions that what I'd done was anything but cheating. Adrienne was my girlfriend. Cassidy was not. Having sex with Cassidy was cheating. Period.

It didn't matter that I was pretty damn sure Adrienne was cheating on me. The sudden afternoon absences. The constant flirting with Jake. And besides, it was her nature. You can't tame a wild animal, not overnight. A month and a half ago, Adrienne was perfectly content to cheat on her boyfriend with me. Candy and Trevor boinked other people all the time. What was it Donna had said? It wasn't about love, just sex. It was a way they'd always done things.

But it wasn't the way I knew I should be doing things. I'd spent enough time being the nice guy who listened to my female friends to know that as much as they hated guys blabbing about their conquests, they REALLY hated their guys cheating on them.

And I was falling for Adrienne. We had the most intense physical and emotional relationship I'd ever known! Our passion for each other scaled the greatest heights and filled me with a burning flame of desire bigger and brighter than anything I'd ever felt before. Yeah, I'd still had a lingering fondness for Cassidy. But Adrienne was my girlfriend and I owed it to her to do everything I could for our relationship.

I'd fix this ... if I could. But right now, I had to face that I'd cheated. I was lower than pond scum.

When I got home, I couldn't even look Brooke in the eye. She took one sniff of me and then gave me a knowing grin as I raced past her and headed up the stairs. If only she knew WHO I'd just been with.

I was going to hell.

MAY 2001, JUNIOR YEAR

The guilt didn't leave me alone when I'd cheated on Megan and Cassidy. The guilt wouldn't leave me alone now, either. You might ask, if the guilt bothered me so much, why the hell did I do it in the first place?

I don't know. I'm just a stupid 17-year-old boy.

So I had to come clean with Adrienne. Hey, maybe she wouldn't care. Maybe she'd just wave me away with a dismissive, 'Oh, I figured you'd been banging Cassidy for months from the way you two always hang out together. It's no big deal.' After all, it was just the way her crowd did things, right?

Of course, even if she did accept my pussy on the side, could I handle her shagging Jake on the side?

Well, from the way my teeth ground together at the mere thought, probably not.

I didn't have a plan. I had no idea what I was going to say. But I needed to talk to my girlfriend before I drove myself insane. So the first thing I did upon arrival at school was go looking for Adrienne.

She wasn't in her usual spot. My teeth started grinding again. If I found her bumping her hip into Jake on the way to their next class, I was gonna rip his heart out, whether or not the guy outweighed me by forty pounds.

Looking around frantically, I was just about to take off when someone called from behind me, "Ben!" And I spun around at the familiar, feminine voice.

Candy Carter stood before me, tilting her head to the side as she fixed me with her sparkling blue eyes. "You looking for Adrienne?"

I nodded quickly.

"She's home sick today. You should give her a call later; make sure she's doing okay."

My jaw dropped. I had been cycling my brain through so many different scenarios for the way our conversation would play out, and the idea that she wouldn't be at school never even occurred to me. "Uh, okay ... thanks, Candy."

The cheery brunette smiled. "No problem. See ya around, Ben."

Now what?

Even absent Adrienne, I still ate lunch with my new crowd. With my girlfriend currently out of the way, Mizuho flirted with me incessantly and dropped more than one hint that she wouldn't mind if I paid her a visit without Adrienne. I wasn't sure if I should take the cute Asian chick seriously or just chalk it up to flirting. In this world of casual sex and acceptable cheating, Mizuho might very well be serious in her innuendoes.

Candy and Summer dragged me into some idle school gossip. Trevor and Jae moaned with me about girls and shopping. And Lynne sat next to me, chatting about our Chemistry homework. Amongst the cheerleaders, Lynne was probably the closest in temperament and personality to my old crew, not to mention that we were among the few Juniors at the table. And the two of us had started to get really comfortable around each other as friends.

Actually, I was starting to get comfortable with all of them. Despite their status as some of the elite on campus, they'd accepted me in and made me feel like one of them. But a sudden fear gnawed at me from the inside. If Adrienne dumped me for cheating, then where the hell would I eat lunch?

I didn't run into Cassidy until after the last period. Well, I didn't just run into her. I actively went and sought her out, making a beeline for her locker after the final bell instead of stopping by my own locker first.

She'd had such a glow about her while we made love over and over yesterday afternoon. It was a look of fulfilled happiness, as if reuniting with me was a dream come true. I'd been frazzled enough over the past few hours that the mere idea of basking in Cassidy's loving warmth for a little while was as appealing as the idea of slipping into a steaming hot tub after a sore day of aching muscles.

Which was why I was so surprised when Cassidy greeted me with an unpleasant, hissing, "Ben! What are you doing here?"

"I, uh, wanted to see you, Freckles," I managed to stammer out.

She took a deep breath and glanced around for a second, no doubt searching to find if any of our friends were in the immediate vicinity. "Did you break up with her?"

My eyebrows furrowed. "Well, uh..." I stalled.

"Look, Ben," Cassidy stepped forward until her face was just inches from mine. "I loved yesterday. I wasn't expecting it, but I was thrilled that it happened. You make my insides all mushy and the orgasms you give me are incredible! But I can't do this. I can't be the 'other woman'. I feel ... dirty ... just standing next to you right now, okay?"

"Cassidy..." I pleaded with my eyes.

"No, Ben. I'm not having sex with you again."

I frowned. "I didn't come over here to ask for sex."

"Then why did you come over?" She shook her head with an annoyed expression on her face.

"Because you're my friend! And I miss talking to you."

Cassidy pouted. "If we talk or spend more than three minutes together, I'm going to want to kiss you, Ben. And if I kiss you then I'm going to want to fuck you. And we can't do that. You're taken." Cassidy's green eyes were dull. "And I made you cheat ... again..."

I winced, realizing how much my cheating had hurt my girlfriends before. In a forlorn voice, I began, "Freckles..."

Cassidy started turning away. "Look. Figure things out with your girlfriend. Then ... then ... I don't know ... But you've got to work this out with Adrienne first." And then my cute ex-girlfriend hurried off.

Brooke was waiting for me at our rendezvous point after school. She was holding hands with Perry Anderson, smiling and giggling and exchanging cute-looking pecks. There was no tongue, just little baby kisses. I sighed and thought about what life used to be like as a freshman, before sex made everything so damn complicated.

I thought of what it must be like to be Perry right now, with just one steady girlfriend who wasn't ready for full intercourse yet. He probably went home and jerked off to thoughts of seeing his girlfriend naked, and all he had to worry about on a date was how far she'd let him go. Would she maybe let him touch her breasts? Outside the shirt or in?

Sure, I'd had some of the most wild and crazy sex possible. But at least if I were in Perry's situation, my head wouldn't hurt this much.

That afternoon, I sat on my bed, tossing the telephone receiver back and forth between my hands. I wanted to call Adrienne, to make sure she was okay. But what would I say? Would it just be a friendly boyfriend check-up? Would I confess all my sins?

The more I tried to organize my thoughts, the more cluttered my mind became. Searching for a way out, my thoughts turned to my best friend in the world, Dawn Evans. She was a girl. Maybe she could help me figure this all out? I punched in the area code and the first four digits of her phone number before I winced and hung up the handset. What would I say to HER? Organize, organize!

I couldn't think. My thoughts were still too jumbled. I picked up the phone in another attempt to call ... SOMEONE. Adrienne? Dawn? Maybe even Megan? My brain cluttered and cluttered until the big mess was just too overwhelming and I slammed the handset back into the telephone cradle and just stood up.

I was on the sidewalk heading for Adrienne's house before I even realized it. And along the way, the clutter came back and I started panicking once again. I wasn't ready to go to Adrienne's house. I still didn't know what I was going to say. The last time I just blurted out that I'd cheated, I'd gone home with bruises on my face and on my arms from where Megan and Cassidy had tried to beat me to death. I wasn't looking forward to a repeat.

What the hell should I do?

The answer came two steps later. I'd reached the walkway up to Keira McNeil's house. And on impulse, I turned and went to the doorbell, ringing it twice.

Keira answered a few moments later. "Ben!" She exclaimed in surprise and opened her arms to me. She was wearing a casual blouse and slacks, comfortable work clothes.

I gave her a chaste hug and she invited me inside. I made no moves to initiate any kind of physical contact. She'd made clear the last few times we met that she wanted to remain platonic friends while she hunted for Mr. Right. And when I sat on the couch, she took a wing chair opposite me and leaned forward. "So what brings you here, Ben?"

I grimaced and before I could say anything, Keira chuckled and said, "Lemme guess: girl troubles?"

I winced. "How'd you know?"

"You're seventeen, Ben. What else could it be?"

I sighed. "I've been ... I've been bad. I've done some things I'm not proud of."

Both Keira's eyebrows went up as she looked at me intently. Her sharp green eyes narrowed, she canted her head, and then asked, "You cheat on Adrienne?"

I winced.

"I'll take that as a yes." Keira sighed and searched my eyes. I'm not sure how she did it, but she could read me like a book. "This wasn't even the first time you'd cheated on someone." It was a statement, not a question.

I nodded. Back in the day, I'd told Keira everything about my love life. She was my confidant and I knew my secrets were safe with her. She knew about Megan and Cassidy and Dawn and Dayna and even Brandi. But after the whole Adrienne incident, I'd sort of lost that close contact with my first lover. Adrienne had used the threat of exposing Keira as one tool in seducing me, and I couldn't bear to reveal to Keira just how close she'd come to getting thrown in jail.

But I now told Keira everything else. She knew I'd broken up with my two girlfriends and started dating Adrienne, but she hadn't known the details. I explained about Adrienne seducing me and leading to my admission of cheating to my girlfriends. I explained about getting dumped and Megan and Cassidy's vastly different reactions. And I explained about dating Adrienne and even told her about the Spring Break and the drugs and organized orgy with Mizuho and Candy and the rest. And then I told her about my suspicions regarding Jake and how I'd slept with Cassidy on Monday.

When I was done, Keira was wide-eyed as she leaned back in her chair. "Wow ... I've created a monster."

"Monster?" My eyebrow arched up.

Keira laughed. "You certainly get around Ben. A lot more than I remember anyone doing when they were your age. Still, I'm glad to know the things I taught you are getting put to good use."

I moaned forlornly, "But what do I do now?"

Keira took a deep breath and looked at me with soft green eyes. She shook her head slowly and then tilted her head to the side. And in a quiet voice, she said, "Maybe you should step back from the whole dating scene for a while, Ben. This web of relationships you've got yourself tangled in is clearly too complicated, and I think you could use some time to collect yourself and figure out what you really want, and not just be led around by your dick."

"Step back? What, you mean like break up with Adrienne?"

She nodded.

"I can't do that. I love her," I protested.

"Ben, you're barely seventeen. You don't know what love is," Keira said gently.

"Of course I do!" I vehemently insisted.

She sighed. "Okay, to how many girls have you said the phrase 'I love you'?"

My jaw waggled but I immediately started counting: Keira, Megan, Dawn, Brandi, Cassidy, Adrienne. I think that was it. But I felt guilty about the number. "Well, uh..." I stalled.

"Is it over two?"

I gave her an 'of course' look. She already knew with certainty that I'd said the phrase to her as well as to Adrienne. She could guess that Megan and Cassidy, being girlfriends, had also been told they were loved.

"Over five?" Keira asked with raised eyebrows.

Now I bit my lip and blushed with embarrassment. Keira just sighed. "Ben, it's been what, a year? Do you really think you were in love with more than five girls in that much time?"

"Sure." I shrugged.

"That's not love, Ben. That's lust. At best, it's infatuation. I KNOW. I've felt it, too. I even thought I was in love with you, Ben. I wasn't. I LOVED what we were doing. I LOVED feeling like I was in love. I LOVED feeling like I had someone beside me. But it wasn't love, Ben."

I stood up, feeling hurt that my love was being challenged. I KNEW what I felt inside. I knew how being around those girls warmed my heart. I knew I was right. "I loved you, Keira. Still do, in a way."

She softened and gave me a wan smile. "You're sweet, Ben. But that's just my point. I tried to tell you before, but I guess this just reminds me why I shouldn't be dating a teenager." Keira stood up with me and touched my cheek. "You'll learn about real love, Ben. Someday, you'll understand."

Feeling like I was being condescended to, I frowned and turned away. I'd show her. I'd go and work things out with Adrienne. I'd prove to Keira that I understood real love. And Adrienne and I would last forever.

My confidence that Adrienne and I would last forever began to wane the moment I left Keira's front door. And with every step forward I took across the street to Adrienne's house, I felt a little more of that confidence melting away. Would she forgive me? Would she not care? Would I be able to cope with her and Jake screwing around?

There was no answer when I rang the doorbell. Frowning, I went to ring the bell again but noticed that the front door was just barely off its doorjamb. Pinching my eyebrows together, I hesitantly reached out with my fingers and gently pushed, and the door swung open.

Cautiously, I pushed the door before me as I stepped into the house, listening for the sounds of any human activity. There was none, and I called out in a hesitant voice, "Adrienne?"

There was no immediate response, and I closed the door behind me. Then once more I called, "Adrienne?" Still no response.

The notion that I was in Adrienne's house without being invited inside made me nervous, and I walked slowly and softly, trying not to make any noise. This was WEIRD.

Quietly, I headed for Adrienne's bedroom. And as I turned down the hallway, I heard a low female moan float through the door of her bedroom. I recognized the moan. It was Adrienne's moan.

Still silent, I padded forward and heard the muffled thump of something banging against wood, and then Adrienne moaned again. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck go up as my mind started racing for conclusions. Was she? Right now?

I squeezed my eyes shut as if it would help ward away the evil thoughts creeping into my brain. First, there were Adrienne's mysterious absences the past couple of weeks. Then there was her constant flirting with Jake. I'd only seen them maybe three times, but I KNEW there was even more flirting while I wasn't around. And after claiming she had other plans on MY Monday afternoon, she'd completely skipped going to school today. Was it because Jake had fucked her brains out and she couldn't show her face to me the next day? Was it because Jake was STILL in her bedroom fucking her brains out even right now?

Motherfucker! Adrienne was fucking cheating on me RIGHT NOW! She was in there, getting screwed and bumping up against the headboard! And with a grimace of rage, I stomped down the last few feet to her bedroom, twisted the knob, and flung the offending door out of my way.

Wincing, Adrienne sat up straighter in bed, her skin pale and clammy, her hair a tangled mess. She squinted at me for a second and then asked in a weak voice, "Ben?"

I blinked several times, my head twisting left and right, looking for a phantom Jake Harbor who wasn't there. And then the idea that I was completely wrong about everything started to enter my head.

Adrienne moaned and leaned back against the stack of pillows propping her up. She grimaced and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I, uh..." I stammered. "I wanted to check on you and see if you were okay."

Pouting, Adrienne winced in pain as she sat up straighter. "I thought you'd call. I told Candy to have you call me. I didn't want you to see me like this." She sighed. "And how'd you get in here anyways?"

"Uh..." I jerked my thumb back out the open doorway. "The front door was open. I rang the doorbell but no one answered. And then I was calling your name and didn't hear anything."

Adrienne frowned. "I was asleep." She clearly looked uncomfortable and exhausted. There was a bottle of prescription painkillers on the nightstand beside her and her abnormally pale skin made me worry.

"Adrienne, what's going on?" I asked with concern.

She exhaled. "I didn't want you to see me like this."

Fear flashed through me. Was my girlfriend going to die? I asked fearfully, "Is it serious?"

"No, no, it's not that bad. It's just ... well ... a little personal. And I didn't want you to freak out."

I started to freak out, my face twisting in anxiety. I was still flushed from my brief raging anger and had yet to calm down. And being kept in the dark further wouldn't help matters.

Adrienne sighed and then shrugged as if to say 'what the hell'. She took a deep breath and then said, "I had uterine fibroids, Ben. Doesn't usually happen to girls my age but it does happen. It's not cancerous or anything, but it was making my period REALLY bad and giving me a lot of pain. The pain came and went, so we could still have sex. But some days I was just miserable."

I started to get horrified that I'd completely misjudged the situation. And a second later, Adrienne confirmed it.

"So a couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctor to get it checked out. I had a follow-up last Tuesday. And they were able to schedule me in for surgery yesterday afternoon. That's why I haven't been able to meet up with you in the afternoons, Ben. And I'm on bedrest now for a few days while I heal up from the surgery. Sorry boyfriend, I'm kind of out of commission for a little bit."

"So why didn't you just tell me?"

Adrienne squirmed. "Because ... It's really personal. I mean ... there was stuff wrong with my uterus, Ben. I don't just go around announcing that to everyone I know. And you've only been my boyfriend for less than two months. I didn't want to make you feel weird about having sex with me."

She sighed and rolled her head around her neck, stretching it out. "If you had just called me instead of coming over, I could have just explained that I was sick and then come back on Thursday or Friday and we'd be all back to normal. You would never have had to know."

Right then, I made what may very well be the dumbest mistake of my life. I could have just expressed sympathy and gone on like nothing ever happened. But no, I opened my big mouth and blurted, "So you weren't fucking Jake Harbor?"

"What?" Adrienne snorted. "Jake? Hell no. Whatever gave you THAT idea?"

"Uh, well..." I stammered. I'd been doing that a lot lately, a sign of how messed up my life was becoming. "It just seemed that every time you couldn't meet up with me, I found you two flirting and giggling and touching each other. Elyse insinuated that you two were doing a little something on the side. And Donna said that having your little flings on the side was just something you always did."

"Elyse? Donna? You're listening to THOSE two?" Adrienne glared at me, piercing through whatever fog of painkillers she was on.

"Well ... I ... uh..." I stammered, looking nervous.

Adrienne fixed her look on me and clearly saw something in my eyes, because the next moment she looked ready to jump out of bed and tackle me, weak energy or not. "Ben. Did you do something stupid?"

"Well ... I ... uh..." I stammered.

"Ben..." she warned.

I winced and felt a mental flashback to when I admitted my indiscretion to Megan and Cassidy. We'd all been in the foothills, watching the sun setting over the ocean in a romantic and beautiful moment. And then seconds later they were doing their best to beat the crap out of me.

Now it was time for Beating: Part 2. I sighed and looked at the floor. "I had sex with Cassidy on Monday."

Things were very quiet for a long minute. No sounds. I don't think I was even breathing. The seconds ticked by with agonizing slowness.

One...

Two...

Three...

...

Twenty-eight...

Somewhere around sixty-seven, Adrienne said quietly. "Get out."

I picked my head up and gave her a pained look. I saw the tears streaking down Adrienne's cheeks and my instinct was to step forward and comfort her. But the moment I moved forward she held a hand up to stop me.

"I thought you were different, Ben. I thought I could trust you. I was falling in love with you. Don't you see, Ben? I would have given you my heart. But now I see that you're just another guy," she said coldly.

Maybe my ears were full of mucus from the sniffles that were threatening me as well, but I could have sworn I heard some of Megan's voice in Adrienne's words. "Adrienne..." I pleaded.

"Get out," she said a little more harshly.

So I left.

Adrienne didn't return to school the next day. Ostensibly, it was because she was still sick. But even her absence didn't prevent the spread of information.

At lunch, Candy just gave me the cold shoulder. Adrienne must have told her best friend. Even Mizuho glared at me. Something told me the pretty Japanese girl's invitation for recreational sex was no longer valid. And I knew better than to try and eat lunch with their group that day.

Oddly enough, Kenny Doyle caught up to me while I was meandering aimlessly around the main quad. "You looking for a place to sit down?" he asked.

"Uh, kinda, yeah."

"C'mon, bro," he head-nodded and I followed him over.

Sung and Daniel smiled as I approached the old table. Elaine frowned, Megan looked at me oddly, and Cassidy had an unreadable expression. I still wound up at the far end of the table with just guys around me, but for today, I could live with it. At least I wasn't completely outcast from EVERYONE.

But it still hurt inside. I missed my "new" old crew: Lynne and Mizuho and Jae and Summer, etc. And so I was pretty quiet at lunch. And when it was over, I looked off to see Megan, Cassidy, and Elaine walking away together in a pack, their heads bowed together as they were deep in conversation.

I stayed pretty quiet all the way home.

Thursday was more of the same. Summer and Lynne were still friendly with me and the others weren't exactly making me feel like a leper, unlike the first time I'd been in this situation. Perhaps their group was a little more jaded on the whole concept of cheating. But I still didn't want to attempt eating lunch with them. It would just be too awkward.

So once again, I ate with my old crew, albeit on the outer edge. But this time, when the meal was finished but well before the bells rang, Cassidy walked around and tapped me on the shoulder, nodding her head off towards a more private space.

I brightened almost immediately. Cassidy, at least, was someone who still loved me. Even after cheating the first time, Cassidy had forgiven me and still hoped for reconciliation. She'd wanted to get back together with me. And after we'd had sex on Monday, the first thing she asked me on Tuesday was whether or not I'd broken up with Adrienne.

Well, Adrienne had ordered me out of her life. And as much as that hurt, it meant that I was free again. So maybe now Cassidy and I could get back together the way she'd always wanted!

I got up, cognizant that a dozen pairs of eyes were on me and Cassidy, and I followed her over. Megan and Elaine trailed us but kept their distance. And once Cassidy and I were standing in a semi-private alcove, I realized that we were positioned so that Cassidy could see her friends just past my shoulder, perhaps as support for what she had to say to me.

That knowledge tempered my rising hope. The fact that Cassidy might need their support couldn't bode well for me. And the tone in the redhead's first words didn't help ease my anxiety. "Look, Ben..."

My heart sank. It didn't drop so much as fall back to where it had been most of the past couple of days. Cassidy caught the expression on my face and she faltered in her carefully prepared speech. I felt Megan and Elaine drawing closer.

But Cassidy looked up at the ceiling and sighed, gathering herself and stopping Megan and Elaine's advance. And when she looked at me, there were tears in her eyes. "Ben, I'm still in love with you."

The words were nice, but the wince on Cassidy's face and the pain in her eyes were certainly not encouraging.

"Ben, I want us to get back together; but I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'd break my heart."

"Cassidy..." I began.

"No, no, wait. Let me finish," she held up a hand to stop me. "I love you, Ben. But I don't trust you. You cheated once on me. That, I might be able to handle. I told you I understood. But you cheated again."

"With you!" I protested.

"Doesn't matter," Cassidy grimaced. "I have to live with what I did myself. I wanted you Ben. I seduced you. You didn't exactly protest, but I know my own role in what I did. I'll have to apologize to Adrienne when I see her."

I frowned and looked confused. Cassidy took a deep breath and then looked me straight in the eye. "We're not getting back together, Ben. For months it's all I wanted, but now that it's here, I know it's not what's best for me. You're just a guy, Ben. And you're actually MORE susceptible than most guys. You've got a reputation at this school. You've got dozens of girls around here who want to get into your pants. It'll happen again. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But it'll happen again. I just can't trust you, Ben."

"But I'm broken up with Adrienne! It's what you wanted, isn't it?" I whined.

Cassidy's eyes hardened as she glared at me like I'd just insulted her. "I am NOT just your fallback option, Ben. You can't just crawl back to me because Miss Big Tits dumps you for cheating. I will NOT be second fiddle to HER."

"Freckles..." I pleaded.

"No, Ben. I still love you. I've got to deal with that. And I'm not saying forever ... but..." she exhaled. And for a long few seconds, she stared at the floor.

I stayed silent and waited her out. I didn't have a moral leg to stand on and opening my mouth at this point would only make things worse.

At last, Cassidy just shook her head and sighed. "I'm sorry, Ben." And then with tears streaking down her face, she walked past me and right into the waiting arms of both Megan and Elaine.

And now I REALLY felt alone.

In the darkest pits of despair, I walked through the shadows with my head down, cringing against the light. Hunched over, I felt like I was four feet tall. The end of the school day couldn't come fast enough.

After the last bell, I walked listlessly towards the parking lot. My pace was slow enough that many of my classmates walked around me and continued on their way, like a stream of cars at rush hour buzzing past the completely random dude riding a bicycle down the middle of the freeway.

More than a few people bumped me. Some were accidental, just kids in a hurry. Others were annoyed people who wanted to give me a love tap in reminder of how much I was delaying their lives. I'm just surprised no one punched me in the back of the head.