Too heavy is the weight of misery I carry - each and every day the prospect of death drawers nearer. The only solitude I have is in darkness — the darkness of my own thoughts and in the writing of these words. My soul is charred with tainted thoughts — constantly I find it wasting away into nothingness, therefore securing the personality of a less than human creature. I find myself screaming on the inside, unable to break free of my pain. I wear a mask of contentment that grows weaker; my smile however happy it may appear is a charade- a fake twitch of the muscles for my audience. I feel angry, I feel unworthy, I feel caged and I feel empty. These emotions make me want to break free — to leave this life in search of another for nothing I or anyone else does makes me feel truly happy and conflict free. To fill the gap I harbour in my soul seems pointless — neither family member nor any person on this earth can change the way I am. Death seems to be my only solution- my only escape and yet fate has not allowed me to leave this place and, I haven't the courage to do so myself. Invisibility would be a gift and yet the only thing I wish for lies within the bounds of impossibility.
I want to disappear from the life I live and find another, I want to leave all those I know forever. I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity for truly endearing emotions. I love pain and danger yet I feel incapable of love and innocence. My life is a shadow of anger — I'm drowning in rage and disgust for myself. My entire being is an imposition.
Water: an undeniably relaxing element. When I feel it swish against me at the beach, when it knocks me under it's surface with powerful surges and when it falls relentlessly from the sky I feel calm — as if my problems have disappeared if only for the moment. However, I know that my element is it's opposite- FIRE. I connect with the flames of a malevolent fire; I see myself within its intense heat. I feel as if my emotions are a wild flame of insecurities, revenge and self-hatred. It's ironic how I see myself engulfed in darkness and yet I feel as if I connect with the one thing that can bring me light.
The darkest night - a blanket of onyx silk shielding us from the problems and responsibilities of the coming day...
I found myself gazing up at the wondrous beauty of the night sky only hours ago — lost in the sheer magnificence of the tiny specks of light that gazed back. It mesmerized me in the purest of ways. How can such a simple action be so soothing? For a split second it was as if I left my body; as if I vanished from this plane of existence; it was as if I were flying. Whilst lying there on the boot of a car, my eyes gleamed with the reflection of the stars- the oh so beautiful stars- and to describe the feeling that I felt is truly difficult. There is a certain solace in gazing up at stars, your mind erases all of it's conflict and focuses solely on the moment — this moment of welcomed silence- and the happiness that I so strongly crave for flows through me, but as this occasion draws to an end I find myself falling back into my life of despair. How lovely it is to have but one moment where life is enjoyable and free. People can be like stars can't they? In the sense of course that stars watch over us just as we watch over someone we perhaps care about.
If I were to describe myself as a star I would choose the falling star — I could land anywhere, I have no direction and I could fall at any time — unable to stop or to choose where it is I end up.
Now if I were to choose a star to be my sister Charlotte, I would quite easily choose the sun because it illuminates all that surrounds it — just as she does. The feeling of warmth escalates in an unwavering sensation but when the heat becomes too much she has me — the ice maiden — to cool her and to comfort her. We are complete opposites — her and I — but we live in perfect unison. Without her I would surely die but without me she could only live a better life.
True Story /