I smiled and wished you good luck when you left this morning. I knew you had to go, and I knew how torn you were — glad to finally be moving on, but wanting me to be there too.
It was so hard to watch you walk away. I wanted so much to call you back, to hold you close and make you stay. Or climb into your bag and hide away, to be with you.
But we both know that I can't do that. I have to stay here, just as you had to leave.
You are missed. The lunch chatter was much subdued today. Don't worry, it'll pick up again, you know that. But today we missed your face and your quick wit. And everyone was trying to be nice to me and pretending they weren't.
It was cute and sweet and very silly — of course I knew what was going on! When is Sal ever nice to me? It made me laugh just thinking how hard it must be and wondering who managed to produce that reaction.
I really must find out. I owe them big-time for that — it really made my. You know why Sal hates me so much, don't you? Because of you — Sal wanted you so bad and you chose me.
They gave you the choice — see, they knew too and were running a book on it. And you chose my room. God, my heart sang that first night. I never touched you. I wasn't game, thought I'd frighten you away.
But then I heard you. Do you remember? You were crying, trying to do it silently, but I heard you. And I held you and stroked you, soothed and caressed you till you slept.
Tonight this room seems so empty. It's almost like you never existed here, like you were just a dream.
I know it's silly, but I'm going to sleep in your bed now. I feel closer to you there. We shared so many nights and that bed is special.
Tonight I will lie in the darkness and imagine you are still here, that I am stroking your beautiful hair, and hugging you to me. If I close my eyes I can almost smell your hair, all clean and fresh and slightly damp from the shower.
If I try hard enough I might just feel your hand caressing me, tickling and teasing along my body, your breath hot on my face as you reach in to kiss me.
And I will imagine you are here. And I am pleasing you, teasing you. I kiss your beautiful breasts, and down, kissing, tickling with my tongue. Down, across your belly button, holding you so you can't squirm out of reach. Down, through your carefully trimmed mound to the prize.
You squeak, trying to stay quiet, so they don't hear us, as I tease and suck, kiss and tickle. I love watching you writhe under my touch. I love how you grind against my mouth, how you beg me to make you come.
I love how hot and wet you get. I love how you open up for me to explore with my fingers. I love how you kiss me and taste yourself on my lips. I love how I have to cover your mouth with mine as you come, so no one else can hear you moan.
I love how you snuggle in against me, afterwards. I love how innocent and sweet you look as you sleep. I love the little noises you make in your sleep.
I love you, babe.
There, I finally said it. Never had the guts to say it to your face though, did I?
I love you and you will always be a part of me.
And now I get serious. Deadly serious.
I can't be a part of your life any more. I want you to screw this letter up and throw it away and forget all about me.
They've wiped the slate clean and you have a fresh start. Don't blow it.
You know what hell is like. Don't ever come back. I never want to see you again, because that would mean you've become like me — a wasted life locked in an endless cycle of crime and punishment. And you deserve so much better than that, darling.
I hope the screws will let me post this. I should have built up enough privileges now. Even a lifer deserves a few perks here and there.
Live well, love hard and enjoy your freedom, babe.
I got your letter yesterday. Guess your privileges held up and they sent it straight away. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to do what you told me. Well, I am going to do some of it, at least I'll try my very damndest.
But how could you tell me you love me and then tell me to forget you? I can never forget you. You saved me.
I will always remember you and cherish the time we had together. It was a precious thing in a dark and ugly place. It is part of me now. I cannot forget, to do that would be to erase a part of myself, the best part.