Chapter 70

The next day, the doctor and I had several long conversations. She didn't hypnotize me. She did caution me about getting too far ahead of myself, or trying to put things back together again too hastily. Life has a way of diffusing a lot of activity being cast in any one particular direction she told me. She also said that proceeding cautiously was probably something for me to stick with, at least for the short term.

We spoke at length about the conflicts she said I had over my relationships with all the other wives. It wasn't simply their acts of faithlessness, although that was a big part of it. It had to do more with commitment, and with the subconscious me believing that they had all betrayed the commitments they'd made to me.

It wasn't just their commitments to me either, it was the commitments they were supposed to have with the whole family. Interestingly, for me at least, this subconscious belief I had about being betrayed didn't come from the values I now had as an adult, but from the values of who I'd been before. These were carryovers from my earlier childhood. From a time when I tended to deal only in absolutes. This was what Dr. Fellows was telling me. She said we needed to work on getting my current values back in line with my past values. To do this, one or the other would have to change. She hinted strongly that this was something I needed to focus on before I went too far forward with any plans to reconcile with any of my wives.

Naturally, none of this was what I wanted to be hearing. I felt like Joyce and I were close to being fully reconciled already, and that Shirley and I had made a good beginning. I didn't see risking this just because I still needed to change the way I'd felt as a child. I was in control, the adult me. She should do whatever it took to reprogram this subconscious voice that had these problems I wasn't feeling now.

I didn't know what to make of all this new information. I was aware of what she was talking about, but I didn't think I owned it as a part any of the emotions I thought I now felt. As far as I was concerned, I was willing to call all of us even, and either go back to how things were before I got sick, or, if that wasn't possible, to begin everything anew. I was being told this wouldn't be possible. I couldn't force what I wanted through, not if these things ended up going against the opinions and beliefs I subconsciously held.

If ever there was a time when I wanted to object and rebel, it was when she kept repeating the admonishment that I couldn't simply force my conscious opinions or values on my subconscious self. That had to be wrong. Why would any part of me want to take a position guaranteed to make the rest of me unhappy? Or, in my case, keep me unhappy? It just didn't make any sense to me.

It was only when Dr. Fellows started talking about possible ways of changing these subconscious opinions and values that I started paying closer attention to what she was telling me. She was saying there was a way, as long as the conscious me wanted to change the way my subconscious felt. I assured her that I did. We began discussing everything that had to be involved. It meant me confronting all the wives, dealing with these areas of hurt and betrayal, in order to satisfy my subconscious enough to forgive them, and to drop the objections that it now felt.

Later, I thought about what the doctor had told me. It was depressing to me. I had believed I was done with dealing with this sort of thing. I had dealt with this during the long process of integrating my two separated identity states. Now, it seemed like I had to go back and do much the same thing with my subconscious. I couldn't see myself going through all the anger of these confrontations in order to get this forgiveness that the doctor said would be necessary in order to achieve what I'd need to be with Emily, Brenda, Eddie, Dale and Cindy.

Before I left to go back to Birmingham, I informed the doctor that I'd decided to hold off on making any attempt to reconcile with any of the other wives. I'd keep going on with Joyce and Shirley, for now at least, and let the rest of it stay the way it was. It wasn't from a lack of wanting them back, it was just an unwillingness right now to be put back in a position where I'd be creating more anger and resentment. With Joyce and Shirley, I felt like I'd been given a green light. It wouldn't be a difficult fight to get them back. The three of us now wanted the same thing. I wanted it too, and that had suddenly become an important distinction.

After I told the doctor that, she warned me that Joyce and I wouldn't be workable, not the way things now stood in respect to the conflict with her that my subconscious now felt. It was at this point that I realized that I was in conflict with Dr. Fellows. From the very first, I'd made it very clear to her that my main purpose in returning to work with her had been to help me with Joyce. All the time we had been talking, she must have had a good idea that this situation would prevent Joyce and I from regaining our former closeness. Why didn't she tell me this in the beginning?

I ended my discussion with her, having stopped short of venting my true feelings. I spent several hours fuming about what this did to all my plans for Joyce and me. I realized I hadn't discussed what, exactly, these conflicts were that my subconscious had with her. I decided to call her back from Birmingham, to find that out before I made any further important decisions.

It turned out that my one major problem with Joyce had to do with her deceiving me about her sexual interest in women, and with her using me to help provide her with entree in developing sexual relationships with all my other women. My subconscious had always had this problem with this area of Joyce's behavior. I remembered having some problems with this as well, but I thought I'd gotten over them. This was just the way Joyce handled that part of her sexuality. She had always understated that side of herself, often denying the level of her interest in being with women. No one else had been fooled by her understatements. You couldn't be with Joyce in bed and not see her real intense interest in other women.

When I called Shirley that evening and spoke to her, I didn't bring up anything the doctor and I had spoken of. I spoke with Derek and Shirley when I called and it was a good conversation we had. Derek was excited when Shirley told him I might be coming for a visit at his new house. Shirley had brought this up to him, not me. I wouldn't have pushed her for a visit so soon, but I admit I was happy that she had been anxious, and was already thinking along those lines herself.

Later, with Joyce, I did get into some of what the doctor and I had spoken about. At first, I concentrated on what the doctor had said about the other wives, not about Joyce. She first accused me of making the whole thing up. Later, when I told her I was leaning towards not attempting to reconcile with the others, except for her and Shirley, she got quiet and didn't say too much. I knew Joyce well, her being quiet was like anyone else screaming.

"You don't think I should take this position, Joyce?"

I wanted to get her talking to me about it. I was curious to hear what she thought about delaying dealing with these problems until after she and I were reconciled.

Joyce didn't answer me right away. I could almost hear her thinking about how she wanted to express her thoughts to me.

"Our old Kenny wouldn't ever hold a grudge this way. That's one reason I'm finding it hard to believe what you're telling me. What you've said is more like what I'd expect from how you are now."

"I thought that too. I even told her that, but she says we're both wrong. I remember when Eddie and Dale left this last time though, and I really wasn't upset to see them go. I thought I would be, but I wasn't."

"I wasn't upset either, because I knew they'd be back if you ever started acting like your old self again. After we get back together, they'll be back again. As long as you treat all of them good, they'll want to stay with us. It happened like that with us, Kenny."

Now it was my turn to say something. I didn't want to face this with her alone, because I knew I'd end up saying the wrong thing to her. I thought I'd let Dr. Fellows explain about the part that concerned Joyce and me. I didn't want all the gains we'd made slipping away again.

"Joyce, call Dr. Fellows. Let her explain it to you. I can't explain it to you, because I don't really understand it that well myself. I have to believe what she's telling me, because she's the expert. I guess what she says feels right to me too. Do you remember when we talked before? I told you then it might not be possible to get things all the way back to what they were. Right now, we can probably have you, me, and Shirley, with all of our children. That's quite a bit. It's at least a good beginning."

"Are you telling me that you wouldn't want all of us to be together again, just because she says you aren't totally comfortable with things that happened back when you were sick? Even if this means being without all the children, and not being with any of us?"

"No, that isn't what I'm saying. I'm saying it wouldn't work for us to do that, not as long as I'm conflicted about them. This isn't about the children. I'd love to have all of them back with us. I miss all of them, everyday."

"You can't just give up on it then."

"I'm not giving up. I'm talking about taking a short break. Maybe we can think of another way to do this in a better way, after we get all our own things settled again. Right now, there's too much other stuff that needs to come before we tackle something big like this."

"You listen to me, Kenny Parsons. You aren't going to change our deal. You said if I could find a way to live with you, and with all the changes in you, we could all be together, just like we used to be. You promised me. Now you want to change what you said. I want what you told me we'd have. I want Emily and Brenda back here at least."

"What about Eddie, Dale and Cindy?"

"I'd like them back with us too, but we don't absolutely need them right away. I think they could wait for awhile. Emily and Brenda, we do need. Cindy, Eddie, and Dale, maybe they don't need us either, but Emily and Brenda, they both do need us."

"It doesn't work like that. Talk to the doctor, she'll explain how it works. I need to change things inside of me for any of them to be okay to be coming back to us. It isn't like I can say okay to those two and no to the other three."

"Kenny, I already told you what you have to do. You talk to the doctor. The two of you are just going to have to find a way to make it okay for all of us to be together. Without Brenda and Emily, it would be like if you were asking me to give away two of our children. I won't do that, not even if it meant the two of us could get back together again."

In a way, Joyce had given voice to some of my own concerns. It didn't change how I felt though. I'd need time to change any of what Dr. Fellows was talking about. The immediate problem was going to be getting Joyce to accept a delay on my part. I knew better than to try to discuss delaying anything on the phone right then. I changed the subject, complaining to her about delays in shipments to the Quick Snacks sales locations drop points in California. Naturally, she wouldn't be put off by such a transparent attempt from me to change the subject. She asked me point blank about what I was planning to do.

"What I'm not going to do is rush into making any commitments that I can't keep. I listened to what you want, and I understand your position. I haven't made any final decisions on this, but I need to keep going forward with what I can do until I do make some other plans. I expect you to keep things on an even keel with us until I do."

"What you mean is you want things to be like they were, even after you just got done pulling the rug right out from under my feet."

"Joyce, we're either in this thing together, all the way, or we aren't. You giving me ultimatums, or deciding to stop trying to help us work on our problems isn't going to get you any closer to getting Brenda and Emily back. I thought we both agreed it was necessary for the two of us to get our problems resolved before we could afford to try to put all the rest of it back together?"

"You said we could do it easily, once we got back together."

"That's what I thought when I told you that. It looks like I was wrong. I'm disappointed too, you know? I thought we were getting close to being in a position to start working on some of the rest of it."

"You're close with Shirley. She came over here this morning and was looking in all the empty bedrooms. She didn't admit it, but she's already planning on which room she'll get when she moves back here. She's probably as upset by all this now as I am."

"I didn't tell her about any of this yet."

"You called her tonight, and you didn't tell her?"

"Joyce, I don't have the same kind of relationship with any of the other wives as I have with you. Shirley and I don't usually discuss these types of things, not even when it's family things. Usually, you're the one they talk to about these kinds of things."

"You don't think this is something that will have a direct impact on her decisions?"

"I didn't say that. It does, I know that. It just isn't anything I'd bring up with her to talk about. I wanted to talk to you about it before I spoke to anyone else. I've always done it this way, because I value your opinion, and all the feedback you give me. I didn't think you'd get as upset about this as you have gotten."

"You really thought we were going to just continue on like we have been? Even after you just decided, by yourself, not to try to get anyone else back except for Shirley and me?"

"I didn't expect anything. I haven't even made up my mind about anything yet. I'm leaning towards not doing anything, for awhile, but not forever. It isn't like my subconscious doesn't know what I'm thinking and expecting. It isn't going anywhere, and we still have time. The doctor said we need to get some things resolved first."

"How do you know we have time? When did you last talk to either Brenda or Emily?"

"Joyce, you need to back off a little and let me have some time to make some decisions here. We aren't debating here, we're discussing. I haven't spoken to either of them in a long time. As for knowing if I have time, I have to believe that I do. It isn't like they can do anything about any of this on their own. The conflict I'm having is inside me. The doctor says I'll need to confront them about some things, in order to allow my subconscious to resolve any objections it now has."

"It could be too late by the time you get around to deciding you should be doing something."

"Would you prefer it if I put you in charge of handling this then? You can if you want to, Joyce. All you need to do is find some way to get inside my head and force my subconscious to do whatever you tell it to do."

For some reason, when I said that to her, Joyce decided to switch our conversation over to a whole different topic. I was startled by the way she could just switch subjects so suddenly like she had.

"Cindy has been calling me. She says she wants to come up for a visit, whenever the next time is that you come here again. She says she wants to talk to both of us together."

I was immediately on my guard, as soon as she mentioned Cindy's name. This was a big part of what the doctor had told me was causing the problems between Joyce and my subconscious self. I felt it then too. There had always been an undercurrent of resentment with the way Joyce presented these types of things to me. It was as though she didn't think I was smart enough to figure out that she was manipulating me to get whatever it was she wanted. I felt that way now, and she hadn't even begun yet. I decided to react this time to what she was attempting to do.

"She just wants me to sleep with her, Joyce. She's been hinting around about it ever since before Christmas."

"I think it might be that too, but she did make it a point of saying she wanted to talk to both of us. She's been acting the same way she was when I was in Birmingham with you before. That time we first went back there, right after you decided to go back down there again. If she's been after you like you claim, why haven't you slept with her since she started hinting around again about wanting to?"

"I'm not sure. I guess because it didn't seem very important to me. Maybe it's part of what Dr. Fellows is saying. I've always felt bad about Cindy just leaving all of us right after I got sick. In a lot of ways, I still feel bad about her doing that to us."

"You slept with her for awhile after that though. You must have been able to forgive her? Didn't you like it when she was staying with you?"

"Sure, I liked it. It wasn't the same as before though. She must have felt it too, and that's why she decided to leave us again."

"I liked it fine that one time that we had. I never blamed her for wanting to stay with her family. It wasn't her fault you got sick before she had a chance to get comfortable with the rest of us. I think you should bring her up with you when you come here the next time. I'll take her if you don't want her."

She said this casually, like it was more a case of her offering to do me a favor by taking Cindy off my hands.

"She still gets you going, huh? Maybe I'll talk to her about it. If I do, I'm going to have to tell her about this conflict thing that I'm having. She might not be so anxious to come up and talk to both of us, once she finds out that I'm having this problem with her coming back to us."

"You don't have to put this conflict thing to her the same way you did it with me. Tell her that you're working through some problems with your old doctor. Tell her it might take some time before everything is back to where we can all be together again."

"You mean lie to her? I don't want to do that, Joyce. I'll tell her the truth, then let her decide for herself, after she understands about the problem I'm having."

"You can tell her after she's already here. Why ruin it for me? I don't have any problems with her, only you seem to."

"I'll tell her that too then. That you're anxious to sleep with her again. If you want her to come up for a visit just to be with you, you should have invited her yourself. I'm sure she would be willing to come just to visit with you."

I had a good idea that Joyce had already tried getting Cindy to come up for visits on her own. None of these invitations had met with any success I'd have been willing to bet. This was why Joyce was so agitated that I wasn't jumping to do what she was asking. If she had just come out and been honest with me, I wouldn't have had any problems with doing what she wanted.

"You'd have Shirley if you brought Cindy up for me. It isn't like we both haven't done it this way before."

"I'm fine with asking her to come up, Joyce. I just think I need to be honest with her when I invite her. If she comes, I have no problem with her sleeping with you. It was never my intention to try to separate you from your harem." It came out sounding a lot more mean spirited than I'd meant for it to.

"That wasn't nice." Joyce wasn't really upset. What she'd really heard was me agreeing to bring Cindy up with me. This is what she'd been after. I knew she was already anticipating seeing Cindy again soon.

"You never did tell me, Joyce, why did you and Shirley quit doing things together?"

I certainly hadn't been intending to get into any of that with her when I'd called. This was opening a can of worms that I had already decided I'd wanted to postpone opening.

"She just decided she didn't want to anymore. She said it wasn't the same as when we were all together doing things. She wasn't that much into doing things with girls. She wanted to fit in with the rest of us who were though. Brenda's like that too. Emily said she's different in bed than she was before you got sick. She lets Emily do what she wants to her, but she doesn't usually participate the same way as she used to. Brenda stopped sleeping with me even before Shirley did. After Eddie and Dale left, I was pretty much left alone every night. Emily would come see me sometimes, but even that was more from pity than because of anything else."

"I almost feel sorry for you, Joyce. Almost." What I was thinking was that Joyce had probably shown the others that she suspected they were with her out of some sense of obligation, rather than because they really enjoyed being with her. She had tried that with me all the time, but I just ended up fucking that idea right out of her head.

You had to really get to know Joyce if you wanted to be able to see past all her ego defenses. Nothing anyone could do would convince her she was really loved for very long. Most people ended up giving up trying to convince her after awhile. I never had.

"Don't spoil things for me with Cindy, Kenny. Even if we can't get back together with her right away, this might help all of us when we do get back together again later."

I knew what Joyce wanted. She knew I knew also. As long as it didn't involve us deceiving Cindy, I thought I could go along with it. I certainly enjoyed sex with Cindy, and she was someone I could be myself with. This recurring problem of Joyce using me to help her get girls though, while trying to disguise her true intent. This was something I was having problems with. For once, I was in sympathy with my subconscious. It wasn't even necessary to her to try to disguise how she felt in order to get what she wanted.

In fact, with Joyce and I double teaming Cindy, I was sure I would be more like my old self than I'd been with anyone else lately. It was only when I had that thought that I remembered then that Joyce and I had never double teamed Cindy before. We had done it with all the others, but never with Cindy. Joyce had never seemed to want to share Cindy with me.

"If I bring her up Joyce, this time we're probably both going to fuck her together. I'm not bringing her up just so you can sleep with her this time."

"Suppose Cindy doesn't want that? She's never wanted to do you and me together before, Kenny. It wasn't me that was keeping all of us from being in bed together and doing things. Cindy is the only one who isn't comfortable with it."

We'd never spoken about that before. I'd always just assumed that it was Joyce who insisted on it being that way. I guess I assumed it because of how obvious it was to all of us that she was really crazy about Cindy. I thought it was amusing that I might have jumped to the wrong conclusion. If it turned out that Joyce was lying to me about it having been Cindy's choice though, that wouldn't be amusing at all. Now that Joyce had said this to me, I wanted to speak to Cindy, to see whether or not she would confirm it.

"Tell Shirley I'm coming up on Friday with Cindy. I can either come over to her house all day Saturday and Saturday night, or else she can come over to our house, for the whole weekend, and we can all be together with the kids. Ask her what she wants, and we'll see how it goes."

"She'll pick having you all to herself on Saturday. Are you going to leave work early? If you get here late on Friday and leave Sunday morning, there won't be much time for all of us to be together. Especially if you go over to Shirley's early on Saturday."

"I told Shirley and Derek that I'd come over to be with them in their new house. Maybe I'll fly up Thursday morning and spend Thursday with Shirley and the kids. It might get complicated moving everyone around like that. Maybe we should hold off on having Cindy come up until some later date."

"Come up on Thursday and you can drop Cindy off with me. On Friday you can all come over to the house and we'll be together until Sunday. Cindy wants to come up as soon as she can. She really does want to talk to us. She wouldn't tell me what it was about."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow and let you know what we've decided. Find out from Shirley if Thursday is a good day for me to be coming over there."

"Kenny, promise me you won't say anything to Cindy to make her change her mind about wanting to come here."

"You know I can't promise you something like that. I will promise I won't deliberately say anything to try to make her change her mind."

"Promise you won't tell her that you don't think you want us to get back together with her."

"Joyce, you're beginning to worry me with all this anxiety of yours. It's Cindy. It isn't like we don't already know each other pretty well. I'm going to talk with her, and I'm pretty sure she'll still want to fly up with me for a visit. You should remember that she's left us several times already. It isn't going to bother her too much if I tell her we're taking everything slowly. She probably doesn't even want to get back together with us right now. I think she just wants to have some sex. If I had to guess, I'd say she only got you involved because I wasn't picking up on any of the hints she's been giving me."

"You're probably right, but she did call me, and she did say she wanted to see both of us, to talk about something. Don't be mean about this, okay?"

"You better leave it up to me to negotiate with Cindy, Joyce. You seem way too anxious to get your hands on her. She'll sense she has a big advantage with you, and she'll find some way to try to exploit it. Maybe she already knows she does. I'll do my best to deliver her into your hot little hands. I might need to promise her that she and I will be together on the trip too."

"You're enjoying yourself now, aren't you?"

"In some ways. This reminded me a little bit of some of our conversations back in the old days. Remember the first time we did Brenda together? We talked about all the things that might happen, but she finally ended up not resisting anything. Maybe Cindy will end up being just like Brenda was?"

"I wish we could go back to just like we were then, Kenny. I was so happy then, and everything was so new and exciting to me."

"You should have faith in me, just like you used to have back in those days. You weren't questioning my every statement or trying to second guess me with everything I told you. Things seemed to work out pretty well for us back then."

"They started working out even better, after we both were making all the decisions."

"It isn't about who makes the decisions. I already told you I'd do my best to bring Cindy with me when I come up there. I'll do it my way, but I'm going to try not to disappoint you. I'm not as concerned about getting with Cindy as you seem to be, but I am concerned about you, and about trying to please you. You should try to relax and trust that I'll come through for you."

"Call me and let me know after you speak to her. I'll talk to Shirley about Thursday. I think it would be better if it were the two of you alone when you get together again. Her house, after the kids are asleep. I could put the kids up here on Thursday night if you think it would be better for the two of you?"

"Talk to Shirley. Whatever she decides. Derek said he wanted to show me everything at the new house when I get there, so all the kids should still be there when I first come over."

"Does it bother you so much now, about me and Cindy? Is it just with her, or is it also about me with all the other wives? Dr. Fellows said something to me once about how you might have changed in the way you look at things like that now."

"I usually don't think about it that much. The only thing I don't like is when you pretend something's for me, when it's really more for your benefit. It's always been like that with us around the other women. I guess I've learned to expect it from you. I always liked it best when it was you and I together, ganging up on one of the others. Thinking about us doing that with Cindy is pretty exciting to me right now. I did Eddie and Dale together down in Birmingham, quite a few times. Eddie's a lot like you are with another girl and me. It didn't bother me at all then."

"If things were to go well with Cindy and us, even if it wasn't the same as all of us getting back together again like we were before, it would help us, you and me. I think it might be enough for me just knowing that all of us could still be close again. Not just for the sex, but to be with each other without having fights, or any of us being mad at each other. Ask Dr. Fellows about that. Even if none of us were sleeping with each other, or if they still lived somewhere else. I can't stand thinking that we're all going to end up being apart from now on. I miss us all being together."

"I don't want any of us to be enemies either, Joyce. Even if things don't get back to how they were before, we aren't going to stay mad with each other forever. In spite of what Dr. Fellows says, I know there's still this attraction I have for all of you. It might not be something that is entirely consistent or completely non-conflicted inside me, but that basic attraction is still there, with all of you. I don't think I'd have any problems at all with sleeping with any of you, if I had the right opportunity. I might not go out of my way right now to get that chance with Cindy, or even with Emily and Brenda. I think that's what she means about me being conflicted. I'm definitely like that with Cindy. I might not have ever done anything anymore with her, not on my own. If it's something I'm doing for you though, something I know you really want, I'll look forward to it. I guess I am already looking forward to it."