Chapter 57

I first began re-emerging on August 11, 1995, with the help of Dr. Brenda Fellows. More than two and a half years had passed since that day in late October in 1992 when I voluntarily ceded control to the alter ego I had always thought of as either "Bad Kenny" or "Strong Kenny".

I have a personality disorder they refer to now mostly as dissociative identity disorder, or DID. Earlier, it was most commonly referred to as multiple personality disorder. It isn't a disease, it is a condition.

Dr. Fellows tells me that I have this problem because I suffered from what she calls extreme mistreatment as an infant, young child, and throughout most of my formative years spent living in St. Cecilia's orphanage. I don't know, but she's the expert, so I'll accept her standards as to what might constitute "extreme mistreatment".

She also tells me that no child is ever born with a sense of a unified identity. It is something that comes into being as each child develops, and consists of a blending together of experiences and relationships to form a unified self. Important parts of my identity remained separate, never blending as they were meant to.

In my case, she thinks my problems began at birth with my mother's inability to provide proper care or emotional nourishment for me. She also thinks my fall from a window, sometime after my third birthday, and the resultant head injury, played a major role in preventing proper blending. Other than those two things, she believes the main cause of my condition resulted from the overwhelmingly stressful events which occurred during my time spent living in the orphanage. Events like my strong feelings of rejection at not being picked for adoption, and my unwillingness to satisfy the demands placed on me by the nuns who were providing care for me.

She tells me that I was fortunate in having the dissociative capacity, the ability to uncouple and disconnect from some of my earliest memories and perceptions. She says I have no memories of the time before I was three years old, and few memories before the age of six. She has hypothesized that this was the age when I first developed the ability to "go away", to retreat inside my own mind. This was when my identity split first made itself known. This was also when I first learned to retreat, allowing my alter ego, "Strong Kenny", to emerge and exist in my stead. When I say "Myself", I mean the scared little boy I thought of as "Good Kenny". The boy I valued, and wanted to protect.

I was "Good Kenny", and Dr. Fellows said I was very adept at erecting amnestic barriers between myself and "Strong Kenny". I was able to completely wall him off from my awareness, and to also wall him off from getting to me. I always had thought of this as me going to places in my mind to hide from the stress and emotional pain, never understanding that, while I was hiding, "Strong Kenny" remained behind, and was replacing me, taking over whenever a situation arose that I felt was too painful for "Good Kenny" to endure.

It took so much time, even with many hundreds of sessions using hypnosis, for Dr. Fellows to break down some of these barriers I'd erected, and then to begin the slow process of attempting to integrate my two identity states. It was slow, because I was unable to assist her, in the beginning, since I had remained uncooperative and unresponsive to her early attempts to reawaken me under hypnosis.

"Strong Kenny" was always there, available to be interviewed, but it took much more time and work before "Good Kenny" was willing, or even able, to participate. He didn't want to integrate with his other identity state, not even after he understood that it was just another drawer in his own personality dresser.

I slowly came to realize that I needed this other identity state if I was ever going to be able to leave the clinic and rejoin my family. Throughout these thirty plus months, while good Kenny refused to come out, Joyce and the rest of my family were exposed only to my "Strong Kenny" identity state.

They didn't like him as well as they'd liked "Good Kenny", and they weren't big fans of the notion that Dr. Fellows kept promoting to them. She kept claiming it was necessary to integrate both identities together in order to prevent any future states of derealization, and further episodes of the total withdrawal of the "Good Kenny" identity state.

With derealization, a person with the condition that I have doesn't really recognize his surroundings, or his own family, not even all the other people that are close to him. They would seem totally unfamiliar, unreal, or even strange when he interacted with them while in this state.

This is too dry and technical an explanation, but I'm trying to explain it using some of the terms she used when she explained it to me. It was a process, and a long one, although things went much quicker, once I decided that the possibility of rejoining my wives, children, and parents was well worth taking any kind of risk for.

Secretly, I believed that I would always be able to detach "Good Kenny" from "Strong Kenny", if I ultimately found that I couldn't co-exist with him. It hasn't turned out like that at all, not so far at least. To be honest, I like not having to leave when it becomes necessary to bring out the character traits that I'd always left to the "Strong Kenny" state.

I'll tell you one thing, I'd had no notion of how often he and I were switching control back and forth from one identity state to the other. At some conscious level, while being "Good Kenny", I was vaguely aware of the need for suppressing "Strong Kenny". To me though, we were separate people. For six years, I had believed that I'd either managed to kill him off, or that he'd given up and had left me alone to be the Kenny I'd always wanted to be.

Dr. Fellows said this was because the amnestic barriers I kept building were so strong and effective. Whatever I thought, our two identity states co-existed, side by side, with each side making multiple daily appearances. "Strong Kenny" was always aware, and thought of himself as the dominant Kenny, seeing "Good Kenny" as only a weakness of his, but one that was easily overcome.

All of this is simply to make an explanation of where I first came to find myself in the late summer and early fall of 1995.

This was a very big day for me. For the first time in over two and a half years I'd be able to be with my family again. They'd been with me all through my stay at the clinic. Except I wasn't me then. "Good Kenny" had slept through all those visits, while "Strong Kenny" had assaulted, abused, and enraged them at turns. They never knew what to expect during a visit. No matter how strained or uncomfortable these visits became though, the visits themselves never slowed or were cut short.

Dr. Fellows warned me that my inability or unwillingness to participate in these frequent family visits had resulted in a great strain being placed on my relationships. She hoped my newly returned presence, and the integration of our two, heretofore separated, identity states, would reverse this deterioration in my family relationships. All of this had occurred as a result of my extended presence, as "Strong Kenny" only, while under her care and treatment.

She didn't say so, not in so many words, but I got the distinct impression that she had nearly given up and resigned as my therapist on many separate occasions. What she did say was that Joyce was a very convincing woman.

I had begun to notice, in the time since my re-emergence, that I was feeling stronger and more confident each day. I wasn't sure why I felt this way, but I hoped it was because I was becoming more comfortable with the Kenny that seemed to be taking shape. I was beginning to feel whole, something I'd never really felt before. I hadn't recognized what it was at first, but when I tried to describe it, Dr. Fellows seemed pleased with my descriptions. She told me that I was moving from cooperation into collaboration.

"We're on the threshold of true integration, Kenny. I can sense it. In our talks, it is becoming increasingly difficult to differentiate between states. When there are no discernible differences, my work will be completed."

"Are we talking years, months, weeks, days or what?" I was curious. This was the first time she'd ever indicated her pleasure or even satisfaction with the progress we were making towards this integration she kept referring back to.

"Months I think. We've been making excellent progress, almost from the first day we were able to reach our agreement on the necessity for identity integration. Already, in most areas, there is seamless collaboration. I see no overt conflicts, which I find remarkable. I believe we are well and truly past the most difficult early stages of the journey. I am excited. You should be as well. I know of few other instances where full integration proceeded with so few setbacks. In truth, we have had none."

She left me in the lounge where patients received their visitors. I felt so anxious, and yet, even with my anxiety, I was full of anticipation at the thought of this visit. I had less than a month of renewed awareness, which meant that only a month had passed for me since I believed I'd last seen Joyce, Mama, Gerta and Hans. A month since I'd last spoken with Cindy. Thinking her name caused me some pain.

In the month that I'd been reemerged, Dr. Fellows had brought me up to date on the changes that had taken place within my circle of family and friends. There were several casualties. Cindy had decided to distance herself from us, electing to remain in Alabama, rather than continuing on as a member of our family.

Bea had died in California the year before, of an infection that had been left too long untreated. This had hit me hard, setting me back in my recovery. I felt like I should have made more of an effort to find her again, and see to it that she got whatever help she needed.

There had been some financial upheavals as well, mostly with my grain trading programs and the grain broker business that I'd been operating. Eddie had been trying to keep it all together, but her results weren't like mine had been, and there had been several millions of dollars lost as the family continued to honor our earlier commitments. The Southern expansion had been slowed down for quite a while, but people had been brought in and tasks reassigned so that progress, while slow, was being made.

There have been other problems among my wives, including several temporary defections involving Emily, Dale, and Eddie. Other men had been involved in these problems. Dr. Fellows wanted to prepare me for changes in the nature of my relationships. With each new piece of information she gave me, she also provided the support I needed to accept the pain or disappointment I was feeling. I retreated, but to a safe place, one where I still maintained my awareness and was able to diffuse the effect of the information I was being asked to process.

Through it all, with three or four hypnotic sessions a day, my two identity states started to merge as one. With few jointly shared memories, we began to build on discussing those important ones that had defined our previous coexistence. It was amazing that we both cared for all the same people, but for such different reasons. It was a matter of our separate experiences and perspectives. It was something we had in common that we could build on though, and it formed the basis for beginning our journey together.

In the beginning of the process it was "us", two separate states. Through our sessions with Dr. Fellows, under hypnosis, with both of us awake and aware, we managed to accept the truth that we weren't separate, and that there wasn't any clear "we". There was some memory merge, and, in spite of what Dr. Fellows said to me, there were times of overt conflict, even bad feelings about how different situations had been handled.

Both of us would like to change things, to have them be more our way. Fortunately, each identity understands now that conflict leads to separation, and separation prevents integration. We've agreed to bind together as completely as we can, and to allow our complete self to determine our future course.

I heard the children running, and the sounds of their excitement and enthusiasm, their joy for life. Derek burst through the swinging door first, and then stopped his progress as soon as he saw me sitting in a chair in the center of the room. He'd grown so much. Before, while I'd believed Dr. Fellows when she told me about how much time had passed, it had been only an intellectual acceptance. Thirty two months. All right. I knew these months were gone, and that I hadn't been around to experience anything that had happened during them.

Seeing Derek, I experienced that information on an entirely different level. I saw, for the first time, what my disappearance had cost me. Thirty two months lost forever to me from the lives of all my children and my wives, from my parents and all my friends. They were gone, and I'd never get them back again. This is what I'd lost, and it became my motivating force to ensure that I'd never suffer such a loss again.

What can I say about that first visit? It was glorious, and it was maddening. I drank all of them in, and I wilted from the looks of uncertainty and the tentative untrusting conversations I had with each of them. Even Joyce seemed withdrawn and distant from me. I'd been warned by the doctor that there would be residual resentment and mistrust. I knew some of the problems that had occurred because of my other identity's previous actions and words. I wanted to shout to all of them that it hadn't been me, but I couldn't do that, because I now knew that it had been me. It hadn't been the me I wanted to be, but it was the me I was at that time. It was frustrating and more than a little emotionally deflating for me.

The visit lasted for three hours. It was Joyce, Brenda, Emily, Derek, Little Bertie, Bunny, April, Dwightee and Hans. They had driven two hours to come see me. I was grateful that they'd come, and sad that it hadn't gone better. I wasn't completely discouraged though. There had been many good moments during the visit.

After they'd been in the visitor's room with me for an hour, April walked over to me and held out her arms for me to pick her up. She sat quietly on my lap for the remainder of the visit. Derek and the twins and I talked about how their classes for the coming school year were shaping up, and about how they didn't ever want summer to end.

Emily looked at me, but she didn't speak. When I said hello to her, she just stood there looking angry and upset. When I tried to talk to her, she turned and walked over to the side of the room where the windows all were. She looked out the window and ignored all of us for the remainder of our visit.

I enjoyed Hans, and he seemed to be the only one who I hadn't hurt or offended. He told me about how Mama, Gerta, and my father were planning on coming to see me as soon as Dr. Fellows would allow it. Apparently, my visitors were being hand picked until such time as my progress became more certain.

There was no hugging or kissing. When I stood up, expecting to be embraced, no one stepped forward until Hans did, with his hand outstretched. That hurt. When it was time to go, Brenda came and took April's hand, pulling her off my lap unceremoniously. It wasn't difficult to see that Dr. Fellows had understated the degree of the rift created between myself and my family. She had said there was a great strain put on my relationship with my family. To me, it looked more like a total breach had taken place. I sensed no love or affection, only a sense of loyalty and duty. With the children, I'd felt a stronger emotional connection, or maybe they were just more willing to accept what the doctor had told them.

I had been sedated for the visit, a mild sedative to reduce the anxiety I was feeling, and to allow me to better accept the coldness my visitors had shown to me. I had argued against the need for it, wanting to be myself when I saw them again. This was another conflict I had with Dr. Fellows. I had wanted it to be just the one side of me that they visited, the old "Good Kenny", wanting to make up for the other me they had been dealing with for so long now. I knew I could help to heal past angers, and that seeing me back again would help to give them hope for my recovery. Dr. Fellows had refused, telling me that this was me trying to revert back to the old ways. When I insisted, she threatened to cancel my visitors until I had made more progress.

As I watched them leave the visitor's room, I wanted to get up and run after them. About the only satisfaction I could take from this initial visit is that there were no incidents from me to add to the long list of complaints they had about my past treatment of them. I'd behaved myself for the whole three hour visit. Several times I'd wanted to act out in some way, but I'd been able to control and suppress those urges.

I could see what an uphill battle it was going to be. I had some ideas though, ideas about what I might be able to do to begin to repair some of the problems I'd caused. After they left, Dr. Fellows began another session with me. She seemed pleased after my debriefing. She made a remark that Joyce also had been pleased with how things had gone.

The next day, Dr. Fellows allowed me to make a phone call out of the clinic. Early in my stay, my telephone privileges had been revoked as a consequence of several abusive phone calls and "Strong Kenny's" trying to hire legal counsel in an attempt to get himself released from the clinic. Getting even limited phone privileges back was a big step forward.

I called my father at the plant in Bolling. To say he was surprised to hear my voice would be a big understatement. When I outlined to him what I wanted, and the help I would require, he was skeptical and unwilling to even consider it without a confirming phone call from Dr. Fellows.

Since I hadn't discussed any of my ideas with her, I had no way of knowing whether her permission would be forthcoming. It wouldn't hurt to go see her and try to make my case for her allowing it. We talked more about what was happening with me. I told him that I was trying to get back to how I'd been before all the problems happened, but that I'd probably end up different than he remembered me being. I found out that he wanted me different than I'd been all the times he'd seen me since that episode in Alabama, when "Good Kenny" went to sleep.

One of the interesting things we'd discovered was that my tremors were continuing. Even after my breakdown, my tests had been conducted, and after every other possibility had been examined and eliminated, my doctors had agreed on a diagnosis of Essential Tremor for my shaky hand condition. In the time that I'd been in the clinic, the condition had worsened slightly, but it was still confined to only my right hand. One of the things I wanted to work on was finding a way to control my shaking better. I remembered what Mama had said about Senior Chalmers being able to control his shaking.

"Dr. Fellows, I'd like to get some computer equipment and some data feeds hooked up in my room. In fact, I'd like a bigger room, or a double room so that I can conduct my business while I'm here recovering."

"Kenny, we've been through this before. During the integration process you need to remain as stress free as you possibly can be. I'm afraid that means no outside activities."

"I believe it would help us with what we're doing. This is something I've managed to do with both my identities. Rather than being stressful, I find it comforting. I often took refuge in being by myself and trading. It was calming, and something I'm quite accomplished at doing. From what you've told me, my not doing it has caused stress and hardship on my family. I'd like to begin doing something productive, something that would let them know that I am making progress towards returning to a full and normal life again."

"If I permit you to bring in your equipment, and then it turns out that it is interfering with your therapy, we will discontinue this trading venture. I want that understood from the outset. I am to be the sole judge of whether it is interfering or not. Do you understand and agree to those terms?"

We called my father back and he agreed to send me what I needed, and to call my brokers to arrange for data feeds. Two days later, Eddie arrived with all my equipment and helped me set it up in my new room. This time, I had the feeling that Eddie was uncomfortable because of her actions, not with mine as "Strong Kenny". She was much quieter than I'd ever known her to be, and went right to work setting all of the equipment. There had been many changes to the equipment she hooked up for me in this room over what I'd been used to with my old set up. For one thing, there was only a single monitor now, instead of four like before. For another, all of the feeds were available from a single data connection, through the internet which I accessed through the clinic's existing computer connection.

In an hour, she had everything set up and operating. She showed me how to bring as many as eight small screens up on the monitor at once, and how to enlarge and minimize the screens as needed. She had made many changes to how the data was stored and could be accessed. I liked all of it.

I had her take me through the method she had come up with to do her own grain trading, and it was what she had pieced together from going back and trying to reconstruct some of the successful trades I had made in the past. She replayed the information on the screen and told me how she had established criteria for trading. Her results had been minimally profitable. Where we had lost all the money was in absorbing all of the shipping costs for the grain we delivered in our broker activities. She hadn't made nearly enough to offset those costs.

I asked her to stay, and changed the set up just a little, all the time explaining why I was making the changes and letting her understand better what it was I was looking for. There were several software programs that she wasn't using, already loaded onto the machine. I activated them and superimposed them over one of the screens we had earlier gotten set up. I thought it was a very good omen that I had an excellent trading situation already developed, with corn boxed in against the Swiss Franc and silver. There were three active contract months, and all of them were extremely tradeable.