Chapter 4

Senses working overtime

I hadn't heard from mum since the last phone call, which I considered a success because I didn't get yelled at. Really though, I was angry with her for not listening. I know by that time I should have been used to that kind of response, but still it hurt.

Lily and Dr. Whaite had pointed out that it's often more difficult for the parents to accept the kind of decision I was making, but assured me that given time, she would probably come round.

I desperately wanted mum to at least acknowledge what I was doing and listen this time, not just give me the "I can't deal with this right now" line. I dialled the number. I suppose I was hoping she wouldn't be in.

"Hi mum." I said brightly. "It's Suzie."

"Who?" That wasn't the best of starts and despite my initial reluctance to phone mum, I wanted or perhaps needed to make her aware of what was going on; what I was going through

"Your son. At least I am for the time being anyway."

"Oh, Paul it's you."

"No, it's Suzie, er, Suzanne." I corrected. "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that my treatment is going well and I have a job and..."

"So what's all stuff about Suzanne then?"

"It's my name. I told you last time."

"I thought you were joking."

"No, it's real alright. I've got the paperwork and everything." The line went quiet for a few moments.

"So who are you now?"

"Suzanne Paula Turner." It still gave me a shiver. Mmmm.

"You're mad. I bet you're only doing this because of Ray and Lily. You wouldn't be involved in all this nonsense had it not been for them. Would you jump off a cliff if they told you to?" she asked.

That stung. For whatever reason, she still thought that I was incapable of making a decision on my own. Curious when I came to think that she was perfectly happy to leave me in charge of the brats while she and fart-face went out.

"Don't be silly, of course I wouldn't, but then they're not asking me to do that are they?" I said. I could feel tears forming in my eyes and that obligatory lump in the throat. "Anyway, it's not nonsense. My psychiatrist suggested it."

"Psychiatrist?" she almost yelled. "What the bloody-hell do you need a psychiatrist for?"

"So that I can become Suzanne physically as well as in name. I DID tell you."

"Are you insane?" she asked, her voice going up a couple of semitones.

"Actually no. According to Dr. Whaite, I'm perfectly sane. I have what's termed as Gender Dysphoria. It means that I'm a girl in a boy's body, so we decided to put that right."

"Put what right? There's nothing wrong with you."

"Actually there is. Inside, I feel like I'm a girl, but on the outside, I'm a boy. If that's not bad enough, my boy stuff doesn't work properly and I haven't even started going through puberty, so the doctor has put me on hormones."

"Hormones? For Christ's sake Paul."

"It's Suzanne mum and like it or not, it's my legal name, please use it. Anyway, my body is still that of a teenage boy. I need those to make my body right; to be a girl."

"Of course you've got a boy's body. You're a BOY for crying out loud! It's that bloody Ray and Lily isn't it; filling your head with all this idiocy. I knew this would happen."

"Firstly, it was my decision and secondly, Ray and Lily are not in any way to blame. In fact, they have been wonderful and supportive, which is more than I can say for you."

"Why you disrespectful little shit."

"Me? I'm not the one using swear words am I? Why can't you just accept that I need to be on the outside what I know I am on the inside. It's only hormones at the moment, I don't expect I will be able to get surgery for at least a year maybe two, depending on whether I can afford it of course."

"SURGERY?!" Her voice went up a full octave and was making the phone crackle, not to mention my ears.

"Yes, surgery, now would you please stop shouting? I've thought about this a lot. I've had God knows how much counselling and both my psychiatrist and I think that it's for the best. I've basically been Suzanne for the last three months now and I want it to be permanent."

"Look, you need to stop all this silliness and come home. I need you here. I can't do anything with you over there."

"But there's nothing for you to do. I moved out in the first place because we weren't getting along. You didn't like my friends, you wouldn't talk to me, hug me or be a mother to me. You never once asked me about school and even when I was being bullied it was seemingly my own fault. You don't have time for me, mum and my being Suzanne isn't going to make that any better. This is a very big step for me and it's serious. I am what I am and all I want you to do is PLEASE understand that."

"I can't accept that Paul, it's not natural."

"It's Suzanne or Suzie for the last time and I assure you, it's perfectly natural." I said in my most reasonable tone, though I could feel steam coming out of my ears as the temperature rose. "It's far more common than you would imagine and it's certainly not unnatural."

It went downhill from there.

Nothing I said would convince her. What I was doing was nothing more than rectifying a technical glitch in the build phase of my life. Somehow wires got crossed and I wound up being something I shouldn't.

I imagine that if I not had such an oppressive time at school and home, I might have accepted Paul for longer. In all honesty though, I don't think that the track I was on could have been termed anything other than inevitable as agent Smith would say, but in the here and now, mum's words cast a big, black shadow of doubt over all I was doing.

The apparent calmness disappeared once I had put the phone down. I was shaking, angry, confused and upset. I went up to my room and collapsed on the bed. The image of a safety net being pulled out from underneath me came into my head and I started to panic.

Paul was being stripped from me and the safety net that had been there for "if things go wrong, go back to being Paul" was no more. Not only that, but neither was mum. I was beginning to see that all too clearly.

I was being unreasonable I know. She in truth had never been there for me since she remarried. I guess I was asking a lot for her to suddenly have time for me AND accept the changes I was going through all in one go, but she WAS my mother after all's said and done.

It all seemed so simple in Dr. Whaite's office with the comfort and encouragement from Lily and the doctor herself, but I found I was on my own at this point and it felt like I was stepping into a black hole with no idea of what was on the other side.

Lily knocked softly on my door and asked to come in.

"It's all very real now isn't it?" she said.

"Oh Lily." I blubbed. "I think I've made a BIG mistake."

"Why?"

"What if mum's right? What if Suzanne is all wrong? I don't know if I've made the right decision."

"Your mum didn't understand, did she?"

"No."

"I know this may be hard, but you might have to face the fact that she may NEVER understand. It's up to you of course, but you have to do what's right for you, not her."

"I know." I said dejectedly.

Lily was right. It was my life and I had to live it the way I thought was right, not in a way that was convenient to mum.

The panic settled and as soon as I went back to work, I was right as rain.

Gwen was in a minor state of panic too. Trends were going away from the traditional hair salon to something that was more 'unisex'. She was in a bit of a panic since it was only a short while ago that she had the place refurbished. Still, changing the overall colour scheme from its current early seventies lipstick pink accents and seating to a more modern cream, black and white would not take that much.

The salon was quite big and was divided into two sections, one larger than the other. The larger section was for the ladies as one wall was a row of static hairdryers with a pink vinyl seat beneath, a small table or shelf between each chair had copies of popular magazines to keep the women occupied whilst waiting for their hair to dry. These were more or less redundant nowadays with the modern methods of hairstyling, going a long way to making the roller and set obsolete.

"After Ray redid this place for me, I couldn't get the customers from under those quick enough." she said looking at the empty row of hairdryers. "Now, I have trouble getting anyone under them in the first place. Perhaps it IS time for a change."

Gwen was a big woman, about five feet four tall and five feet five round with a huge bosom and a smile that never seemed to leave her face. She was always impeccably turned out and set an example to all of us. It was mainly her example that prompted me to take a real pride in my own appearance.

Apart from me, the only full-timer was Steve and as I said before, he was gay. To be honest, it was only a couple of the customers who got uppity about him, the others just saw him for what he was — a typical hairdresser. It wasn't long before he and I were getting on famously, mainly because I couldn't believe how outrageous he could be, oh and I liked him.

Frances and Beth were two women who came in usually in the mornings as they both had children and they dealt with the shampoo, set and blue-rinse brigade that was thankfully a dying breed. The styles were changing and their time was being taken up more with winding perm rods or pulling hair through those unbelievably uncomfortable rubber caps for highlighting or streaks.

A salon makeover was not far away and I wondered what my role in it would be or whether there was one for me at all.

I needn't have worried.

It wasn't long before my body responded to the hormones. My nipples were swollen and very sensitive. I had inadvertently knocked them a couple of times and nearly ended up hanging from the ceiling by my finger nails (they're my own by the way).

The bra helped, it kept them snug and stopped them from rubbing on my blouses and stuff. I left it off one day and within half an hour I was putting it back on again. They weren't large but if I jumped or tried to run, I KNEW they were there. Lily assured me that this tenderness was only temporary and the bounce was just something I'd have to get used to. She couldn't help smiling at that and I smiled back as I looked forward to not feeling like my senses were working overtime.

I had some problems with tears, which just seemed to want to switch on for no apparent reason and I'd have to go and sit somewhere while I bawled my eyes out, but it just meant I had to take more makeup with me just in case.

For a while, I thought I was going loopy. Everything was bringing tears to my eyes. Even the demise of Wily Coyote made me cry, especially the one with the spring, but I was assured that like the production of breasts, this was just another by-product of the hormones and would settle down to at least a more acceptable level.

Love is a battlefield

Gwen had a plan and it even involved Ray.

The 'barber's' side of the shop was to be turned into a beauty salon and the main salon was going to become unisex instead. It was a big step for the salon and a big step for Gwen.

My part in it all was to go to college and learn how to be a beautician.

In no time at all, I was attending college one day a week and the first day was a complete jaw-dropper.

Brighton as a town had a reputation for being cosmopolitan and I was shocked by just HOW cosmopolitan, not only in racial mix, but preferential too. I had only been in the college for about an hour when I had seen several Boy Georges umpteen Siouxies, Lord alone knows how many Nick Rhodes' and more John Taylor's, Jim Kerr's and George Michael's than you could shake a fair-sized stick at.

It did help me to relax though. Suddenly I didn't feel I was quite the weirdo my mum seemed to think I was. If she ever saw inside that place, she'd have had a fit!

About three weeks into the course and I was having the time of my life. Okay, I didn't associate with any of the people there on a social basis, but I was with people who had a much more "live and let live" attitude than I had been used to at school and at break- times we would all go to the common room, get coffees or other drinks, maybe a snack and have a good laugh.

We were lined up to get coffees from the machine when out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone I recognised, or thought I did. By the time I had turned round though, the person was gone and I nearly lost my place in the queue craning my neck trying to see where they were.

I couldn't have been. Not here.

By the end of break, I had completely forgotten all about it.

The following week, I was on my own. I was the only day release student and the full- time were off at some meeting or another. I went into a largely empty common room.

I had my notes in my hand and rather stupidly, was trying to read whilst aiming somewhat haphazardly at the coffee machine when I bumped into someone.

"Sorry." I said without looking up.

"That's alright... Hey, don't I know you?"

It was a girl's voice and I did recognise it, but I was still glued to skin types and treatments for oiliness, greasiness and conversely, dryness for an up-coming test. I dragged my eyes from the badly copied script and looked up.

"Lisa?"

"Wow! It's good to see you." she said. That wasn't what I expected, especially after the indifference in our last encounter.

"You too." I said as she gave me a hug.

I couldn't help it. My skin felt like it was tingling all over, a feeling I hadn't had since the last time we were that close.

"How are you keeping?" she asked.

"You know, working — the usual." I laughed, trying to sound offhand about what was really happening. I had been in her company for a matter of a few moments and all the hard work I had put in getting her out of my mind was rapidly coursing its way down the proverbial toilet.

"You look... wow!." she said and automatically, I blushed, going a deep crimson colour and feeling my cheeks getting almost hot enough to spontaneously combust. Plus, that feeling inside that had started at the hug, like going over a hump-back bridge too fast in a car, became almost all-consuming.

"Thanks. So do you, but then I don't have to tell you that." I said, blushing even more at my mouth going into warp drive and not taking my brain with it.

We stood side by side at the coffee machine while I fumbled with my purse for some change, neither of us saying anything. I was finding it difficult to think and get change out at the same time.

I managed to get the right money and was pushing it into the machine when from beside or behind me, I heard someone, a girl, talking.

"Hi sweetheart, have you been waiting long?" she said. I looked as I lifted the flap for my drink and could see someone draped all over Lisa. It looked as though she was kissing her cheek, but I couldn't quite see. I only caught one part of a black leather biker-style jacket with a holographic badge on one of the lapels.

"No. I've only just got here." Lisa replied. I was wondering what I was supposed to do, but as it happened, Lisa and friend were not into hanging around or goodbyes... or "see ya rounds".

"Ready?" said the friend.

"Yeah." said Lisa and still with this other girl all over her like a cheap suit, they wandered off. I watched as they strolled across the common room and had I not been paying attention, I would have missed two things.

The first was a very slight wave Lisa gave me along with the second thing; an equally slight smile as she looked back at me.

Once again, I went from being focussed to being a bag of nerves. I had only known anything similar to love once and she was it. Why did it have to be something like a war zone?

How I made it home that evening without making a complete fool of myself I'll never know, but I was sure after that that Lisa WAS into girls after all and I was still into Lisa.

Love plus one

I can't understand why I was being so ridiculous. I was acting as though I had been jilted and that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" expression proved itself as, as soon as I saw her and she was nice to me, I went back to being a love-sick puppy.

At home, I sat on my bed trying to reconcile the fact that I HADN'T been jilted. We weren't seeing one another, so why shouldn't she go find someone new? The song on the radio was Nick Heywood and Haircut 100 with Love plus one.

How apt...

I must have had a face as long as a wet weekend for days afterwards and even Steve gave me a wide berth, but after the weekend I had managed to calm down sufficiently to be back to something resembling approachable.

"How are we this morning?" he asked tentatively.

"Better thank you. I can't apologise enough for last week. I had a bit of a nasty turn."

"Oooh! I know just what you mean sweetie." he said, his face lighting up. "I hope you made him pay for it. Perhaps a good spanking?" He shuddered suggestively. I was stunned into silence and blushed.

"Er, it wasn't my boyfriend." I said, realising immediately that I hadn't phrased that at all well and had left the door open for Steve to wheedle yet more info out of me.

"Hmm. Never thought of you as one that would be playing the field." he said, adopting that stance with his finger on his chin and a "What have you been up to" wide-eyed and innocent look on his face.

"I wasn't playing the field. I don't do that."

"Hmm." he murmured and looked away, his finger still on his chin, evidently not believing what I had told him. Jesus, he could put more into what he didn't say than others could with what they DID!

"It wasn't a boy." I said quietly.

"Ooooh! Well aren't we the dark horse?" he said and his eyebrows almost went into a low orbit. "It wasn't a horse was it?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"No. Not a horse either."

"I should hope not. They can make a real mess of the sheets." he said fluffing up some towels. "Well are you going to tell me or not?"

"In for a penny..." I thought.

"It was a girl I used to know. I thought I was over it, but it seems that well, I wasn't. I saw her again and all those feelings came back up and months of work trying to forget her amounted to nothing."

"Look at you." he lisped. "I would never have guessed. Such a quiet one too."

"Yeah, well. We all have our crosses to bear, I suppose."

"Hmm. Well that's a first, ducky."

"What's that?"

"Me not reading you." I froze momentarily wondering what was coming and dreading the "I know what you really are" speech. "I had you pegged as the little miss house maker. You know two point two kids, semi-detached dog and door chimes."

I just laughed again. "I'm a bit young for that yet." I said, a wave of relief washing over me.

"Hey-ho! Can't win them all." he said and minced out into the salon.

Well that was a weird one. I thought that he had spotted that I was a transitioning transsexual, but no. He'd gone away thinking I was a lesbian instead. I wasn't sure which was worse. Was there a 'worse' and under the circumstances, did it matter?

I suppose both were true and I certainly didn't like the idea of the 'little miss home maker', so I settled for lesbian.

Weird.

I would have argued until I was blue in the face that I wasn't gay at school and yet there I was, standing in the salon accepting the fact that I was a gay female, but not only accepting it, actually getting a kick out of it, especially since it felt SO right.

After bumping into Lisa, going to college was a mix of dread and excitement. On the one hand I was excited by the prospects of learning more about a trade that I had never considered before, but actually got me enthusiastic on a daily basis, while on the other, was the dread of bumping into Lisa again with her girlfriend. Strangely, I also felt a certain amount of excitement about bumping into Lisa too. Providing she was on her own that was.

Christ, it was getting complicated. Why did she still have that effect on me?

The fact was, it was only once a week and for five days out of the remaining six, I was putting my newly learned skills to good use in the salon. When I wasn't plying my side of the trade, I was helping with hair washing and the occasional blow-dry. I was obviously doing something right as the number of customers was rising and the amount of work I was doing rose considerably.

We were doing a few things that I had mastered and that I had demonstrated on either Steve — he was fond of the facial massage, Gwen — who could take all I could do, all day if she could or one of the two part-timers — both of whom were partial to the manicures and most weekends had me apply false nails. Nevertheless, it attracted custom and everyone was pleased. The plan was, to integrate as much as I felt comfortable with as soon as I was comfortable with it.

December came and Gwen cheered me up no end by giving me a pay rise. It wasn't a large rise, but she promised to increase that regularly since I was doing so well. Things were definitely better now than they had been and I was sure that if I had stayed at home, none of this would be happening.

The shame was that the one person I would like to be being congratulated and patted on the back by, was conspicuous by her absence.