Chapter 2

Mum's reaction

I didn't know whether mum was in or out. I didn't care. I was sobbing like a little girl, looked like a little girl and wasn't sure I wasn't really supposed to be a little girl.

I had apparently been tricked and by someone with whom trickery of this nature should not have been an issue. Perhaps I was being overly sensitive to all this, but all I knew right now was that I wouldn't piss in Mandy's ear if her brain were on fire. In the heat of the moment, there were one or two other things I wouldn't have minded subjecting her to either.

I locked myself in the bedroom and basically bawled my eyes out. For about half an hour, I cried and cried and then I cried some more.

During this, I contemplated all sorts of dark things, not least of which was an end to all this. I was just so angry and upset by a litany of bad events for the last, well years really. I wanted it to stop and one way to do that was to end it once and for all.

On my bed and through the copious flow of tears, I tried to fathom how my life had got this far into the mire. I knew that my size was part of the problem, but there was little I could do about that and it scared me that my first sojourn into feminine attire had made me feel something I had never felt before, something that in amongst the angst and turbulence, felt right.

Through the snivels and sobs, I tried to come to terms with the fact that I liked being one of the girls; I liked playing their games, well, not the ones that Mandy appeared to be playing, but the dressing up and the makeup. I even caught myself thinking that I had wasted so much time NOT joining in with the dressing up before, but then I wasn't given the opportunity before.

I went back to the beginning, to where the brown pungent matter started hitting the air conditioning...

The issues at school began about half way through the last school year, but then I already knew that part. The disquiet at home started before that, long before that; before I started at senior school, so I guess that would have made me about ten.

Mum had found this guy out of whose arse, she thought the sun shone and after a whirlwind romance, they became an item getting married shortly after. Soon I was a big brother when Phil was born. Roger (the man with the shining bum [butt] and now my step-father) was over the moon, or so it seemed.

All was going well. I would help with looking after my young sibling and by the time he was about eighteen months, I was going to be a big brother to yet another sibling when Terry arrived.

By now, I had started at a secondary school and had gone from a small primary with no more than a hundred and twenty students, to a huge school that had ten times that number. The classes were twice the size and for the longest time I felt lost as I was one of the only pupils from my old junior school, the rest having gone to another school which I had to thank my lucky stars I didn't go to.

Anyhow, about half way through the first year there, I got sent home (much to the schools administrator's disgust), to help mum. I was worried as I had no idea what had happened, but when I arrived, I found mum had slipped a disc in her back and was lying prostrate on the sofa. Phil was about two and Terry was only six months, needing almost constant attention, something mum couldn't give.

I became a surrogate mother for the next month, doing everything from feeding to changing nappies [diapers], cooking, cleaning and some light shopping from the shop down the road.

Mum and Roger argued almost constantly. I knew she was in pain and he wouldn't accept any responsibility. She almost pleaded with him to help, but that was too much for his fragile, macho ego to cope with and he point blankly refused.

Mum argued that the house should not be being run by an eleven year-old, but he just laughed and said that it should be right up my street. I didn't understand, largely because I couldn't hear everything that was said and in some cases I felt that I had already heard too much, but I didn't understand what he implied.

Mum was in tears, shouting at Roger and I could only make out certain things that were being said as their arguing had woken Terry, who was now screaming blue murder and Phil wasn't far behind. I had to close the kitchen door and spent the next however long trying to calm the two boys.

The upshot was that mum had asked Roger what he thought would have happened had I not been there. What did he think she was going to be able to do without being able to walk, even sit up?

Roger stormed out, slamming doors and swearing, undoing all I had done to calm my brothers and starting them off again. That coupled with mum's sobbing from next door was all I needed to make that afternoon a most memorable occasion.

From that point forth, Roger treated me differently. I tried not to read too much into things, but I got the distinct impression that he was jealous. I wasn't particularly mature (I wasn't old or wise enough yet) and didn't know much about human emotions, but jealousy was one of the more powerful and I had seen that a-plenty in kids. It was confusing to see it from a fully-grown adult.

That started everything off. From then on, mum was different too. Roger had accused her of favouring me over 'their' children and mum, ever the peacekeeper, tried to even the score by showing me less affection, her thinking being that I was obviously mature enough to understand what was going on and more pointedly, why.

But I wasn't. I had been put under a lot of pressure to keep things together over that month and at the end of it all, I felt like I was being cast aside by the one person I felt should have been there for me.

Over the years, this 'he's your favourite' was a regular in their arguments and mum's outward displays of affection towards me became less and less. I got the feeling that I had done something somewhere down the line that was pushing her away, but every time I tried to get close, it was always the wrong time, there was always something else to do; something more important.

I had reached the stage where I knew the little boy was going away, but I didn't know what was coming. I was sure that I was supposed to grow to be a larger boy then on to a man, but every time I looked at myself, that's not what I saw. To be honest, even if I was some big strapping lad, I don't think that's what I would have seen.

Meanwhile, I had a more immediate problem to deal with...

Mum was banging on my door, demanding entry. That's mum, subtle as a brick to the soft bits. I wondered whether changing was a good plan, but considered the amount of makeup that was abseiling down my face and decided against it.

"Good God!" she exclaimed as I stood in the doorway in skirt, blouse, training bra, sandals and eyes like Alice Cooper on a bad night (again). "What the hell do you think you're playing at?"

I didn't know.

Was this playing? I guess not.

Was I serious about being a girl? I didn't know that either.

"I-I'm sorry m-mum." I stammered not really knowing what to say.

"So you bloody-well should be. What are the neighbours going to think seeing you coming and going in all this... this... stuff?" she continued angrily.

Good point, but then I didn't suppose that the neighbours had gender issues. I just shrugged and looked at my toes poking out through the straps of the sandals and wondered what they'd look like with polish.

"Perhaps Roger was right about you. Bloody poof!" she spat and turned to walk away. To my horror, she wasn't alone. Lisa was there behind her and up to this point in our 'discussion' was keeping mum (sorry, couldn't resist).

"Hey, that's a bit unfair. It was just a bit of fun that got out of hand." she said. My God, if she wanted me to fall in love with her, she was going the right way about it. I'd never had anyone stand up for me before.

"What's it got to do with you? You don't know anything."

"I know a lot more than you do by the looks of things." she retorted hotly.

Foxy bitch! I was getting hot flushes just thinking about her and I wrapped in each others arms kissing like we were in the café. This was just making me tremble all over; at least I think it was that that was making me tremble. Fear may have had something to do with it though.

"I think you should leave. I see that my SON has problems with his choice of friends and I don't think you're actually a particularly good influence on him. I'd prefer it if you left."

I could see Lisa's eyes flash anger then start to fill and my own were going the same way.

"No!" I shouted. "Stay here, I think I need you to be here. Please Lisa?"

"I'm not going to ask you again Lisa. Just get out of my house!"

Lisa turned and with a slight sniff, she descended the stairs and disappeared.

I dropped to the bed like a stone. My stomach felt queasy and I knew I wasn't going to be able to withhold the next bout of tears. Mum turned to me.

"Get out of that ridiculous costume immediately and wash that crap off your face." she snarled and walked away, leaving me with tears rolling down my face, a knot the size of Europe in my stomach and a feeling I can only describe as loathing forming in my head.

She's leaving Home; bye, bye

Once I had calmed down, changed into my own clothes and cleaned the makeup from my face (which incidentally, if camouflage ever becomes popular, this is a good way of getting it, though I can't say I would recommend the methods), I went to face the music.

"Ah. I have a SON again." said mum, a note of sarcasm in her voice. "I was beginning to wonder."

"I don't know why you bothered. You never take any interest in anything else I do."

"How dare you? Don't speak to me like that. I'm your mother, show some respect."

"Why? You're not showing me any. Talking to ME like that in front of my friend."

I don't know where this was coming from. Was I suddenly discovering courage?

No.

It wasn't courage, it was frustration.

I had had enough of her treating me like I wasn't there most of the time and not having time for me when I needed it and... All those things I had tried to tell myself were just part of being a parent and then trying to find excuses for when she'd sit either of the brats on her knee and talk them through something. I hadn't had time like that with her since I was eleven.

"This is MY house and while you're in MY house, you'll obey MY rules." she said with that holier than thou look on her face.

"So I'm not allowed to see Lisa, I'm not allowed to have fun with my friends unless you like them. Is there anything I can do, or is that asking too much?"

"Yes, you can go to your room. I'm fed up with you talking back like that."

"Talking back? I only asked a question."

"Roger was right. It would have been so much better had he not had to compete with you all the time."

Well that was it for me. I couldn't take it anymore. I was at my wits end and didn't know what to do for the better. I just wanted to get away, to run and hide somewhere and not come out again. Roger had NEVER had to compete as it was made clear very early on where my place was and it NEVER came above HIM.

I went to my room and spent about thirty microseconds weighing up my options. With a few things packed in a rucksack, I waited until mum went into the bathroom, then legged it [ran REALLY quickly] downstairs and out.

The feeling or relief when I got to the outside world again was tremendous. I had no idea where I was going, but I was sure I'd think of something.

I ended up some three hours later at my Uncle Ray's house. He was cool. He liked making model aeroplanes and had a 'young' outlook on life. His woman and I didn't exactly see eye to eye, but he was alright.

He opened the door and the floodgates opened. I was bawling my eyes out yet again and even I was shocked at the amount of emotion that had come out that day.

He just stood there in a state of shock, wondering what the hell was going on.

"I've run away from home." I blurted. "Please let me stay here, please." That didn't reduce the look of incomprehension on his face at all. By then Lily, his other half had come to see what all the fuss was about.

Ray asked Lily to leave me with him for a few minutes and he led me into their lounge. I sat, my rucksack clutched to me on my lap, my head just about poking over the top.

"What do you mean you've left home?"

"Well I had a big argument with mum and snuck out while she wasn't looking."

"You've obviously given this some thought." he said a wry smile playing on his lips.

"Er, not really. I just couldn't stay there any more."

Lily arrived with tea.

[Tea: a hot or cold drink that is viewed in England as an elixir. It is reputed to cure what ails ye. For example: Mrs Jones' cat dies and the next door neighbour says "come and 'ave a nice cup of tea luv" and magically, the once distraught Mrs Jones is once more back to normal. Or Mr Smith loses his job and Mrs Smith says "come and 'ave a nice cup of tea luv" and suddenly everything's alright again]

The three of us went through home, the bullying, the time in bandages, the first makeup job and then the café, culminating in the row with mum and hers with Lisa.

"I'm just about all in with this. Whatever I do it's wrong. I can't see my friends and now they're not allowed to see me either, well not at home. They're not even bad people. I thought the best thing to do was to end it all. I don't fit and I don't know whether I'm a boy or a girl..." I stopped there as two jaws hit the deck [floor] at the same time. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Er, yes. I'm not sure what you mean by that." said Ray, looking a little embarrassed.

"Well actually, exactly that. I don't, I mean, look at me. I'm sixteen going on seventeen and I look like I'm about twelve."

"I was going to say thirteen actually." said Lily.

"Well, whatever age, that doesn't mean you should be a girl. Whatever gave you that idea." said Ray.

"I only have two or three 'friends' and they're all girls. Lisa is my girlfriend — sort of — and they dressed me up today. It felt great, I felt like I belonged for the first time in my life."

Ray and Lily looked at one another and I could feel that depression looming once again. I knew they were going to tell me I was being ridiculous and didn't know what I was talking about, but then I was surprised when Lily came to me, prised the rucksack from my grasp and drew me to her in one of the nicest hugs I've had (apart from Lisa).

"It'll be alright." she whispered. "Do you want us to tell your mum you're here?"

"Do you have to?" I asked, hanging on to her for grim death, envisaging an angry parent trying to bash their door down in the middle of the night.

"Not really I suppose, but it might be wise. She might have the police out looking for you. At least if she knows where you are..."

I didn't want to tell Lily that I thought the police part unlikely as I always seemed to be in the way, but I didn't want mum to know where I was. I wanted her to sweat. I wanted her to wonder about what she had said and what she'd done and to think about what she had put me through.

"I don't know. I mean, if she knows I'm here, she'll give you hell. I'm just afraid of what she'd do."

"Why? She's never hit you before has she? She certainly won't do anything like that here."

"Just because she doesn't hit, doesn't mean it's not painful. I've had the non-hitting abuse for the last five years and I don't want any more."

"I see. You're serious about this aren't you?"

"I think I am, yes. Very."

"What about school?"

"I could walk from here. It's closer than mum's anyway. I don't want to miss the exams."

Ray and Lily left the room. They stood out in the hall and I was ready for them to send me back on my way, asking not to be involved.

To be precise, Ray's not my real uncle. He's the son of my grandfather's second wife from her former marriage. He's closer to me than most of my relations and has always made me welcome. I don't know why Lily should suddenly change her tune, but I can't say I'm unhappy about it.

I could hear them talking in the hallway.

"I've seen this coming for ages." said Lily. "I think he's very brave."

"Yeah, I know, but he's Sarah's kid. I don't know that we should be getting involved."

"Oh come on. He's been branded a queer and a sissy. He's had to put up with abuse at home, bullying at school, been to hospital for that very reason and I can't see that Sarah's cutting him any slack. You know what I think about her. I think she's only interested in one thing and it isn't Paul."

There was quiet for a few moments then Ray came back into the lounge.

"Okay sport. You can stay here, but only on one condition..." said Ray.

"Conditions be hanged." I thought and rushed him, throwing my arms round him and hugging him soundly. To say he looked embarrassed would be a crass understatement. He was beet-red and didn't know where to put his face.

"Thank you so much Ray and you too Lily." I said, going to her and hugging her. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

Ray coughed, uncomfortable with the open displays of affection. "Yes, well... One condition. You must attend school until your exams and everything are over. Is that clear?"

"Crystal!" I said.

"Good. We'll deal with the other things as they come up."

I'm in

I was given my own room and the atmosphere was really pleasant. Ray helped with my studying and often it would bring tears to my eyes, the fact that I wasn't related to him and yet, he went out of his way to be a good and helpful person.

Lily too was a revelation. I had never got on with her too well, I don't know why, but perhaps mum had something to do with that. She made it plain to Ray what she thought about mum and I think that my development into a person and not an extension of her made a difference.

Lily was patient and we would often sit and talk. She wasn't a psychiatrist, but she had a degree in psychology and understood the issues regarding transgendered people, a subject which was becoming more widespread. I suppose I was a brilliant opportunity to study one in the flesh. She would write things down as we spoke and I was surprised how much.

I was happy to talk, as things became clearer in my mind after I'd chatted with her and each time I felt I was closer to becoming what I was supposed to become, although I still wasn't sure what that was supposed to be. Nevertheless, I was getting comfortable with what I currently was.

I missed the girls though and most of all, I missed Lisa. I know we had only known each other for a short while, but there was a connection there I didn't want to lose and I was sure that if we could get together again, I would have a friend, I mean a real friend if not more.

I didn't miss mum. I know 'blood's thicker than water' and all that, but as one of my friends once said, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family" and I can't say I disagree.

Similarly, they couldn't choose me either, so I can't be disappointed with them for being disappointed with me. I can however be upset with the treatment and since I'd been out of that house, I was less stressed than ever before.

Ray and Lily had to ring mum and tell her where I was, but apparently she showed no emotion until Lily said that they ought to get something financially to keep me with.

"If he wants to live with you (though I can't see why he would) he'll have to pay his own way. There's a perfectly good home here for him here if he stops all this queer business and gets himself some proper friends. I'm not having him wandering around in skirts and dresses. The next thing I know, he'll want to bring his boyfriends home. What would the neighbours say? I'll be a laughing stock."

"You can't make demands like that." argued Lily.

"I'm afraid you don't know what you're talking about. It's my house and I'm not having my son acting like a girl, making a fool of himself with those girls he calls his friends dressing him up and that's final. You want him; you have him, but I'm not paying for it."

"Fine! We will. If that's what it takes to get him away from you." said Lily angrily, slamming the phone down.

I ran to my room. Lily was shaking and in tears and I didn't think I should hang around.

It was quite a shock to hear (afterwards) what mum had to say and the fact that Ray and Lily were prepared to pick up the mantle of mum and dad. The thought of me calling Ray 'dad' was very funny indeed, but so sweet too since I never knew my dad, but Ray said that under no circumstances was I ever to do so. I could happily call Lily mum, but I don't think she'd have liked it much either.

The school holiday was over all too quickly and I went back to face a whole heap of exams. I had to do well if I wanted to go to college and learn a trade or maybe go to university, but that was all in the future. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring let alone what I wanted to do for a living.

I took a deep breath and walked through the gate.

It was a very strange feeling walking into school after the break. We had few lessons and most of those were revision classes to help us through the examinations. I felt relaxed and ready which surprised me. I was expecting to feel as tense as an over-wound clock, but no. Maybe it was moving out of home and the tension that released.

I was half expecting to run into the girls, but the only one would have been Mandy. I wasn't sure I wanted to run into her, but somehow, the time that passed between the café and now, had relaxed what had initially been a rage towards her.

I was now just curious to know what on earth possessed her to make a date at that café, but I knew for sure the relationship would never be the same as it was and would not deepen as I thought or hoped it might.

I did see her that first day, but she ignored me and judging by the look on her face, I figured that it was just as well we didn't meet face to face. I'd calmed, but it didn't look as though she had.

Lunch was another place we passed like ships in the night and although I tried my best to avoid her, I would have had more luck sweeping air into a heap.

Confrontation was inevitable and as much as I had feared it before, now I was becoming more relaxed with myself thanks to Ray and Lily I just thought "ho-hum" and couldn't wait to get it over with. I don't know for sure, but I think Lily was for me like a cerebral Valium. I just couldn't be bothered to get worked up about it.

It was sad that Mandy didn't feel the same way. I could sense that each time she saw me she was getting more and more agitated. It was visible in her body language, visible in the look on her face. I just shook my head and wondered how long it would take for her to develop ulcers with that much stress going on.

I predicted the confrontation wouldn't take long to come to pass and I was right. It actually only took a couple of days for her to get round to it. I didn't know either whether it would take place in the school or outside. She chose outside.

"What did you say to Julie and Lisa?" she demanded. She had that lop-sided stance of someone that was ready to fight.

"Why?" Just a single word reply and no stress on my part was all it took to diffuse the situation. I think her belligerence was expected to get me to curl up and beg for forgiveness.

"I haven't seen or heard from them."

"Why do you think that would have anything to do with me? They were your friends."

The balling of the fists and the almost pursed lips made it look as though her thought processes were working overtime. I could see that she was just looking for something, anything to blame me for, but couldn't. She ended up walking away with no joy.