Chapter 2

Three months later:

I sat, alone, at a table near the back of the huge auditorium. While I was coming forward to claim my prize, they announced that I was the youngest person ever to receive the award. At 28 I was seven years younger than the previous youngest. I got up, made an acceptance speech and tried not to let the ashes in my mouth show too much. Still, it was impossible not to remember the days after I learned I was the winner.

The Captain had come to the lawyers office that Monday morning and anytime Judy started to balk at one of the terms he browbeat her into a good compromise. We were finished before noon and the papers were filed before the courthouse closed. Sixty-one days later the judge read the decree in open court and we were divorced. A week after that Judy became Mrs. James Capote. It hurt, and the girls cried for the whole week they were on their honeymoon.

As I flew home, for the first time I was aware of just what I'd lost. I was the hottest architect on the planet. Clients were begging to give me retainers. Yet here I was, alone on a plane. I had the girls, my parents, but... but although I'd killed the mastodon and I didn't have a mate to bring the prize to.

When I got home my service was inundated with calls from potential clients. The only call I answered was the one from the Captain. He said all the right things to make me feel good, to let me know how proud of me he was. Then using a gentle voice he asked, "When did you find out about it?"

When I told him, he cursed, as only an ex-Navy man can. When he'd calmed down he said, "That sucks! That really sucks." Then in a quieter tone he said, "I know what it feels like to have life kick you in the balls. Words can't help, but I'm here for you." He paused for a long time then added, "Son, there's nothing I can do to make it better, but if you'd like to go out and kick up your heels, I'll either watch the girls or join you and put it on my tab."

"Thanks Captain, if you can refrain from talking about her, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be out with tonight."

I did go out with the Captain, but I think that was the most forlorn week of my life.

Two years after the divorce:

Once again I was in New York for a professional triumph. At this year's banquet my number of Frank Lloyd Wright prizes increased to four. I'd won on a home last year and I won on another home this year for an unprecedented threepeat! My fourth prize was for a commercial building I'd designed for the city of Midland. The architecture world went crazy over that. I was also the first person to win in two separate categories in the same year in the history of the prize. So why was I sitting at a table without a single friend? Alone among total strangers? Why was I more lonely than I'd ever been in my life?

Why was I lonely? It wasn't because people weren't contacting me. I'd had to get an unlisted home phone because potential clients from all over the world were calling at all hours of the night. I was gone more than I intended, but at least when I was home, I was home. I'd built an office attachment to my house and only went to the downtown office under dire threats. When I was home I never worked while the girls were out of school. Except for the month Judy had them, our summer was one long tour. Granted, some of that was visiting potential construction sites, but the girls loved seeing where my next design might be built. Besides, we spent most of the time exploring the surrounding area. I never wanted a design of mine not to harmonize with the local environment.

Why was I lonely? It wasn't for the lack of attention by the fair sex. I hadn't dated much, but I'd had women calling me from all over the world asking if I could meet them. It seems that the story of my "broken-heart" at the time of what should be my greatest triumph had been picked up nationally and the world was full of women with big hearts who wanted to help mend it. That I was raking in money faster than the mint could print it probably didn't hurt either.

Unfortunately, I didn't like myself, not even a little!

I couldn't like, much less fall in love with someone else, until I did. I hadn't been celibate, I could have all the sex I wanted, I just hadn't found anyone who would make love, or more accurately, to whom I could make love. I couldn't get past my issues. I just couldn't think very highly of any woman who would want someone like me.

Rather than blame myself, I tried to blame it all on trust. I told myself I just couldn't trust, and unless I reached that point I wasn't going to bring anyone home whom the twins might attach to.

Frankly, divorce sucks! As a supposedly adult person, I hadn't found it much fun, but as a parent it was breaking my heart to see what it was doing to my beautiful girls. They never said a word about their mother, but constantly let "slip" comments about their step-father and his children. They never mentioned anything more than shouting matches with their step-siblings but I knew that it had to be difficult for them. I tortured myself with wondering about just how hostile that household might be to them.

I'd caught the red eye back from New York and was sitting in my easy chair trying to recover from my the trip when the phone rang. The Captain didn't waste any words. "Son, that son of a bitch has put her in the hospital this time. He started beating her right after you got him fired and now he's put her in the hospital. You've got to get her out there before he kills her. Even if you won't do it for Judy, think about the twins. They shouldn't see their mother being used for a damn punching bag."

I felt a stab of panic, "Where are the girls..."

"Relax, they're fine. They were spending the night at their girlfriend Lara's house, and I called your folks to pick them up. Your folks were off like a shot with them on one of their trips. They'll bring them to you Sunday evening."

I breathed a sigh of relief, "Why don't you come over and we can talk about it. This is the first I've heard that he's been beating her. Why would she allow that?"

"You know why, don't pretend with me. You... No, we did everything we could to push her into that marriage. If she didn't know at the time that you were out to give her a taste of her own medicine it didn't take long to figure it out. She feels so guilty about what she did, she'd accept anything, even his beatings."

I gritted my teeth, I could deceive myself but I couldn't fool the Captain. "I didn't think it would ever get this far..."

"You knew he was a bastard, what did you think he'd do when he found out you were responsible for his firing and the sexual harassment charges?"

I swallowed hard, "I guess because I'd never think about hitting a woman I just assumed he wouldn't either -- Come on over, Captain, and we'll work it out I promise."

There was a long silence and then the Captain's voice turned determined, "This shit has to stop! No one can do that to my baby. Judy made me promise not to do anything rash the last time... I may be stuck in this chair, but... this shit has to stop!"

"Sure... Captain, I AM sorry... for your sake... I really never thought it would come to something like this."

"I'll be there in about an hour and half. I'm going to stop by the hospital to see if I can convince Judy... damn him! God DAMN him to hell!" he hung up, and I felt a chill run down my spine. That last hadn't been a profanity but a heart felt curse. The Captain was in his sixties and not in the best of health, but he'd never been a man to stand by when an innocent was attacked.

As I waited I thought about my latest revenge. When the divorce went through, I'd spent days, weeks, trying to come up with a method of getting back at Capote. I just couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't hurt me worse than him.

I was in pretty good shape but even though he was almost twenty years older he was close to his weight when he played linebacker for Tech. I might be able to land a sucker punch, but even if he didn't press charges, I wasn't confident I could take him in a fight, unless I was prepared to spend years in something like Karate, as if I had time for that. I checked Texas laws and I couldn't file an alienation of affection. Judy might have a case for sexual harassment, but I didn't.

For over a year and a half my lack of revenge was like a big embedded splinter I couldn't pull. Then I got a gift from fate. The CEO of Capote's company "casually" bumped into me at a charity event. For heaven's sake, the event was in Midland and the man lived in New York City. Somehow he got advanced word of my this year's FLW public building award and wanted me to design a large office building for them in Midland. I set up a meeting, showed him a computer image of a design I'd worked on over the years.

Then I told him the truth. If it was any other company in the world I'd jump at the chance to build the dream I'd worked on since I was a kid, but no amount of money could buy it for his company!

Of course in a company that size he'd never heard of Capote, much less my ex-wife. When I insisted I wouldn't work for a company that allowed that sort of behavior, he didn't take it very well. A few weeks later Capote was fired for sexual harassment. The CEO called me to thank me. He said Capote had been accused half a dozen times of harassment during his fifteen years with them. He told me that he had two recent cases re-investigated, found a new one and established a basis to fire him! We signed a contract a week later.

Like I said, professionally I was on top of the world, but with the Captain's call I was afraid my personal life was about to hit a new bottom.

When the Captain arrived, over an hour late, he just wheeled into the house and didn't give a reason for the delay. Without waiting for me to offer coffee or anything else he launched. "Jesus Son, she's a mess. She'll be in the hospital for at least a week. Hell, they only kept me three days when I had a sextuple bypass!"

He was trembling and I couldn't help but notice that it stopped right at the point where he was paralyzed. That added to the pathos. He was quiet for about ninety seconds and still wasn't under control when he continued. "I can't allow this! I supported everything you've done to her because I thought she deserved it. But, she doesn't deserve this and you have to put a stop to it!"

"How can I stop it Captain, she's not my wife, I don't have any power to do anything. All she has to do is divorce him or press charges..."

The Captain's voice crackled with a command authority I'd never seen. I suddenly knew how one of his junior officer must have felt when they screwed up on his carrier. "Don't try that bullshit with me. I was there, I helped you! Damn it, you knew what you were doing and you did it. You wanted her to know what it felt like to have someone you loved cheat on you and made sure she would. I love you, but you're as cold-eyed a bastard as I've ever met. You'd have made a good fighter-bomber pilot. You attack with a plan but without emotion. You knew what you wanted to do to Judy and you did it. But for the love of God, tell me you didn't intend for this to happen."

I came within a nanosecond of a hot denial, but the look in his eyes froze my words. I hung my head, "Yeah, Captain, I knew what I was doing. I knew that any man who cheated like he did wouldn't stop cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater."

I looked up and met his eyes. They weren't hard or even angry, as I'd expected but showed a hint of what I thought might be compassion. I swallowed hard and continued. "I didn't think she'd stay with him. Midland's a small town in a lot of ways, I made sure she knew he was cheating and I thought she'd divorce him..."

He cut me off, "Were you going to take her back?"

"No, Captain I loved Judy, but I couldn't live with someone who didn't love me or who chose someone else. I might have been able to forgive her cheating but not her falling in love with someone else. I know I pushed all her buttons to get her to marry him. I used the girls, I thought I was using you and I used her own morality, to push her into a marriage I was sure wouldn't last a six months. I wanted to hurt her, but..." I stopped I wanted to say I didn't want her hurt like this, but I wasn't sure I meant it. I was sorry for Captain's sake, but damn it she'd made her bed and I was more than happy that it was made of nails!

The Captain locked eyes with me, "I tried to get her to leave him when I saw her at the hospital but she wouldn't. The only man who can make her leave is you. You sentenced her to this, you're the only one that can commute it. Isn't it about time you showed her a bit of mercy?"

The Captain was quiet for a bit, "Frankly, this didn't work out they way I thought it would. I'd hoped that after she'd learned her lesson, repented and crawled back on her hands and knees you'd take her back. I've never seen anyone as devoted as you were to her. I still think if she'll leave him you'll take her back. But I don't understand why you think she stopped loving you?"

"I asked her that night and she said, 'I did love you." Not 'I do love you.' She used the past tense and that's when I knew there was no hope!" It was lame response to his question, but it was the best I could do.

The Captain exploded, "That's it! That's all you had? The tense of one word!" The Captain got control and gave me a hard look. "No... no, you knew better than that. It's about damn time you found out about what this has done to her!" he'd been shouting then stopped. After a few seconds seemed to get control of himself. He made one of those 180 degree turns that reminded me of motorcycle doing a wheelie and sped for my front door. "Wait right here, I need to get something from the car..." He then did another 180, faced me and using that command voice I'd not heard before, he ordered, "No! You do it. On the passenger seat of my car you'll find a brown paper grocery sack with some books in it. Bring them here."

I normally don't respond well to perfunctory orders, but I retrieved them. When I offered him the sack he instructed that I put in on my table. "Did you know that Judy kept a journal?" When I shook my head he continued, "Well I didn't either but she did. When I got to the hospital I railed at her about getting a divorce but she wouldn't listen.

"When I calmed down a bit I asked what excuse he gave for this beating and she said he'd just bought a new journal and he saw it. He demanded that she turn over her old ones and she refused. A blind man could see my baby was scared of what he'd do if he found them. When I offered to pick them up for safekeeping, she jumped at the offer. She made me promise not to read them before she told me where they were hidden. I also promised that I wouldn't let the guy I took with me read them..." He looked at his chair. I couldn't reach her hiding place. She had them hidden in the attic under some of the insulation so I took a friend.

"I had her write me a note giving me permission to retrieve them up. I picked up the son of a friend of mine, a cop, and we went over there. He was wearing his uniform and Capote didn't give us any trouble. The place was a disaster area. Kyle climbed into the attic and when he got down, I retrieve her most recent journal. She'd cut the center out of a cook book. Capote glared at us the whole time, but that's all the gutless coward would do.

"I haven't read them, and I know Kyle didn't. I did NOT promise not to give them to you and you did NOT promise not to read them." he paused and gave me another of those penetrating stares. "Look, Son... and I couldn't love you more if you were my flesh and blood. Judy has a room full of faults, but she's not a liar..."

He paused again and my face must have betrayed my thoughts because he continued, "Not telling you about her affair is a kind of lying, but we both know that if you'd asked her straight up she would have told you. Even so, what's in those journals is her talking to herself. It's going to be the straight unvarnished truth. You know that. I want you to read them. Figure out why she did what she did. We both know it wasn't because she fell in love with that jackass!

He paused and rubbed his chin. "I can't make you forgive her, but they say 'that to understand all is to forgive all." Maybe if you know more... well if you can't forgive maybe... for God's sake, you can have mercy on her... please!"

The Captain left and I sat there looking at the sack of journals, but my mind wasn't on them. My mind was still on the Captain's last words. He'd said mercy twice. He'd said I had Judy at my mercy. I didn't like the idea, but I wasn't sure I understood the concept. I went to my computer and called up the American Heritage Dictionary and checked the definition of "mercy."

It gave four meanings starting with the most common first: "

1. Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power; clemency. 2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of mercy. 3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a mercy that no one was hurt. 4. Alleviation of distress; relief: Distributing food among the homeless was an act of mercy."

I angrily clicked it closed and tried to rationalize what I'd done to Judy. I just gave her what she wanted... I just helped her make a moral choice to marry the man... but I couldn't even finish that thought. Yes it was her choice and she was responsible, but... I pushed her. What's more I knew I had "power" over her. Even in the process of getting divorced I knew she wanted to do anything she could to make up for the pain she'd caused me, and I'd used that shamelessly.

I certainly wasn't in any disposition to be kind or forgiving... I thought about that. It was true, but who did I still want to punish? Judy or Capote? I'd wrecked his career, no one would hire a man for any sort of management job when he had a fifteen year gap in his record. Yet if he cited his last job, any check would reveal that he was fired for repeated sexual harassment that resulted in legal settlements. Who would take that sort of risk? He was currently working in a convenience store, and lucky to have that. Quite a come down from a six figure salary. Yet, I recognized that I still didn't think the books were balanced. I wanted him killed in a robbery!

In a flash of insight I realized that in my mind the books would never balance as long as he had Judy. I might not want her, but he damn sure didn't deserve her, and that was before he began hitting her!

I didn't think the third definition of mercy applied in this case but what about the fourth. Was I inclined to alleviate Judy's pain? I didn't think so, but that realization didn't make me think too highly of myself. In fact it made me feel a bit ashamed.

I tried to remember anything I could about mercy and I remembered a phrase "The quality of mercy be not strained." I had no idea what it meant or where it came from so I googled it. This is what I found at: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/297200.html

Origin

From Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.

PORTIA: The quality of mercy is not strain'd,

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
... It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice.

It didn't make me feel any better!

I was still bushed, it was just a bit after noon, but by my body clock it was the middle of the night. The air was hot inside, but boiling outside, as if you would expect anything else in Midland in late July. I went to my room and sprawled across my bed and I dreamed; I didn't care much for what they showed me.