She's A Woman

by Harddaysknight

Copyright© 2006 by Harddaysknight

Humor Sex Story: A husband and wife play dangerous game of one-upmanship. The husband finally manages to get the upper hand.

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Romantic   Heterosexual   Humor   Exhibitionism   .

I had just arrived home after five days on a business trip to Vegas. I walked through the front door around 9 AM. I knew that Debbie, my wife, would have left for work an hour prior to my arrival. I went to the kitchen and rummaged around in the refrigerator, found a cold slice of pizza and washed it down with a Pepsi. It always amazed Debbie that I could eat, and enjoy, cold pizza, even in the morning.

As I walked through the living room, I saw a sheet of red construction paper taped to the television. We always used the bright paper for notes, to be certain any messages we left would be found. I pulled the paper off the TV and read it. It was from Debbie and simply told me to watch the video already in the VCR.

I sat down on the couch and clicked on the TV and then hit 'play' on the VCR. Debbie had never done this before and I was curious. I had a faint hope she was going to model some skimpy lingerie or something. Whenever I had suggested taping anything even remotely risqué before, she would turn me down flat.

The picture finally materialized and there was Debbie, fully clothed. She was sitting on the very sofa my ass was occupying at the moment. She had several letters and papers in front of her on the coffee table.

"I happened to open the MasterCard bill and I found some interesting expenses," she began. "There are several charges from an expensive hotel, and the dates fall into the same time frame as when I went up to Mom's to help take care of Dad for ten days. There are also several rather expensive meals charged to your account, at restaurants you have never taken me, Dan."

Where the hell was she going with this? Debbie never looked at our accounts. She wasn't good with numbers. The checkbook and credit card accounts were my domain. Now she was trying to decipher them?

"I took the liberty of calling your office, Dan," continued Debbie. "I asked for that little slut, Barb. Surprise! Surprise! She has been out for a few days and the girl on the phone had no idea why! I know it is just a coincidence, my loving husband. That little whore has been after you for years, you had to go to Las Vegas on business, and she has not been to work all week."

I was starting to see where Debbie was headed with her somewhat flawed logic. We had been married 19 years and had two daughters in high school. Debbie had mentioned in the past that she didn't like Barb, but this was the first time she resorted to such unpleasant expressions. It seemed that Debbie was a tad upset.

"When you get home, you'll have some 'splainin' to do, as Ricky always told Lucy. I suggest you assemble reasons for your actions, and have proof of those reasons; as well as proof that damn tramp wasn't in Vegas this week. Have them ready when I get home this evening, or your ass is grass!" warned Debbie. "Have a nice day, Darling!"

The picture went fuzzy so I began considering my options. Debbie seemed pretty serious. I was mentally forming my response when the screen lit back up and Debbie was speaking again. She was now taping from our downstairs bathroom.

"I almost forgot to warn you, Dan. Do not eat the slice of pizza in the refrigerator," Debbie smirked and smiled a really evil smile. "It seems I dropped it into the toilet by accident, Darling."

She was wearing rubber gloves and dunking the slice of pizza in the toilet bowl like a goddamn doughnut in a cup of coffee! I began to get a little queasy. Then she wrapped the shit pizza in plastic wrap.

"I hate to waste this food, so I will just save it and give it to the squirrels in the park in a few days," chuckled Debbie. "I'll just put it in the refrigerator until then."

I sprinted to the bathroom and leaned over the bowl. Nothing happened! My mind was grossed out, but my stomach was well along in digesting the pizza and sending it on. When I realized I wasn't going to be bringing the pizza back up for another vote, I spun around, dropped my pants, and tried to take a dump. I thought I might as well hasten its journey back to the very bowl from whence it came!

An hour and a half later, I had assembled all my proof and had decided to tape it, just as my accuser had done. I placed the camera on the tripod and began recording.

"If you had opened the rest of my mail, you would have seen a letter from the company bookkeeper stating that I was being reimbursed to the tune of $968.72 for charges I placed on my credit card in the line of duty, so to speak. The company brought in some possible buyers for our new line and I wined and dined them. I also reserved rooms for them while they were in town. I don't have a company credit card, so the boss assured me he would see that I was reimbursed, which he did do. I did not sleep, or even have sex, with any of the three guys that I was schmoozing. I mentioned them to you briefly on the phone at the time. You were understandably too concerned about your dad to pay much attention to what I was telling you. I do have a picture of them at the office, if it is required," I told the camera. "Barb wasn't in this week because she had a miscarriage Sunday. The secretary was asked to not give out personal information.

This was a great way to communicate! There were no interruptions or arguments. I decided Debbie might have stumbled on something with the camera thing! Then I pulled out my ace-in-the-hole! I removed two airline tickets from my shirt pocket and held them up to the camera. I hoped they would be clear enough to read.

"These are tickets for two to Hawaii for next month. By some strange coincidence, our 20th anniversary falls just two days after we were scheduled to depart. However, you seem to have no faith in me. I have the definite impression you wouldn't ride with me to the goddamn morgue, let alone spend ten days on Maui with me. I guess we won't need them," I reasoned.

I swung around to the coffee table to pick up a pair of scissors I had placed there. As I did that, I switched the valid tickets with some old ones I had hidden in my pocket. I turned to the camera and made a big production of cutting the tickets into little pieces, as I smiled at the lens.

"I'm going out to the driving range to hit a few balls. Then I am going to stop in at O'Malley's and have a few beers and some SANITARY food," I emphasized. "I may be home late. You'll have time to tape an apology for me."

I had just been shown a table when Debbie strode across the floor. She was wearing a short black dress and looked fantastic. I stood as she approached the table.

"Do you have room for me, or are you angry?" she asked.

"I am a trifle pissed, but I can see from the way you are dressed, I won't be able to keep my mad very long," I smiled. "Would you care to join me for dinner?"

Debbie leaned to me and I gave her a quick kiss. To my surprise, she stayed glued to me and gave me a rather long, passionate kiss. She was not one to normally show too much affection in public.

"That will serve as my apology, at least until I get you home," she laughed. "I am so excited about Hawaii, Dan! You are the best husband ever!"

"Perhaps you weren't paying attention, Debbie. I cut those tickets to pieces," I corrected her. "You had me so livid, I had to do something for revenge."

"Yes, and tossed the pieces in the garbage," Debbie grinned. "You had better be careful about identity theft, Dan. I dug those pieces from the trash and saw they were some old tickets you had. You know I can always tell when you are trying to play a trick on me."

"Well, I may still have the valid ones," I admitted. "Why would I take a woman that doesn't trust me and is trying to give me some horrible disease, like dysentery, or even diarrhea? "

Debbie broke into laughter as she responded, "Dysentery or diarrhea? I don't think you can get the former without the latter, Dan."

"Whatever! Your revenge was pretty cruel," I shot back. "I could catch something and you know it!"

"Dan, you are so naïve. I didn't keep that slice of pizza. If you had looked in the trash you would have found it. If I really thought you were having an affair, I would have done something far worse than that! I just had a few questions I felt should be cleared up before I reached the point of no return."

"What the hell could be worse than poisoning me, Debbie," I asked.

"I have heard where some women make videos of some man making love to them just to get revenge on a cheating husband. Then they send it to the husband to watch. Some men would think that was a lot worse," suggested Debbie.

I didn't say a word for a minute. I had read stories about things like that. They always went the same way.

"Would the guy's cock be bigger than mine?" I questioned.

"Absolutely!" Debbie responded.

. "Would he be black?"

"Of course," Debbie assured me.

"Any chance he'd knock you up?"

"I'd say just about 100%," agreed Debbie

"Would I be expected to support him, give him my room, bed, and wife? Would you humiliate me in front of our family, friends and neighbors?" I asked.

"That goes without saying, Dan," answered my wife.

I nodded my head a few times and appeared to be thinking.

"Well that gives me some ideas of what I will have to do if I catch you being less than faithful," I suggested. "You would not be allowed to wear underwear ever again."

"Would you make me service your cock all the time? Suck you off on command?"

"Definitely," I admitted.

"Would you make me dress provocatively and be a hostess for any card games you had with your friends?"

"You can rest assured I would."

"Would I wind up naked and on display by the end of the evening?" Debbie wondered.

"Every time," I acknowledged.

"Would you run out of money and bet my ass against the $20 your best friend had in the pot?"

"You know I would!" I replied.

"Might you draw three cards and throw away three aces?" grinned Debbie.

"You seem to have the idea!" I laughed.

"I think we need to hurry and eat so I can get you into bed, Dan," confessed Debbie. "You have made me all wet and horny!"

"You are such a nasty wife! I may have to spank you when we get home," I allowed.

"Now I want to skip dinner and rush home!" blurted Debbie.

"All I've had to eat today was one slice of pizza, which I spent five minutes trying to upchuck. I'm eating now so I'll have the strength to top you off properly," I declared.

We placed our orders and Debbie excused herself to use the ladies room. I sipped my beer and mused over how I had lucked out when Debbie agreed to marry me. She was still an extremely attractive woman with a great face and figure. But it was her personality and sense of humor that I had come to regard as her best feature. She not only loved to play jokes on me; she was a great sport on the rare occasions I put one over on her. She was almost always pleasant and positive. Our daughters had either inherited or acquired that from her. They were both popular, responsible, young beauties that made me proud as hell.

Debbie interrupted my thoughts when she returned to the table. I assisted her into her seat. As she sat down, she slipped something into my hand. I looked at it for a minute before I realized it was a black thong! I slid it into my pocket and took my seat.

"Is that your underwear, or did you get lucky in the ladies room?" I asked.

"Why, is there still some goo on my face?" grinned Debbie.

"Not yet, but there will be," I promised. "I spent the entire day thinking you had fed me a mushroom and shit pizza. You'll pay dearly for that nasty trick. Just wait."

We had a nice meal and a great time as we made jokes ripe with sexual innuendos. The verbal sparring was making us both quite randy and I couldn't wait to get Debbie home. We were finishing our cherry cobbler when a man approached our table.

I recognized him as a coworker of Debbie's. He was a tall, tanned, athletic looking man, about my age. Boy, I hate guys that look that good! I never said too much to Debbie about it, but it was my opinion he was a bit of a skirt chaser. It was just a feeling I had. He was always very neat, with every hair in place, manicured, and well dressed. Unless he was gay, which I really doubted; he was way too concerned about his appearance. Most guys just don't give it that much effort.

"Debbie!" he oozed. "What a coincidence! I have Henderson and Bennett here. I am trying to explain the benefits of buying our software. They are asking some pretty good questions and I was wondering if you could come over and just help explain a few things to them? It would only be a few minutes."

"Well, I hadn't planned on it, Barry," Debbie hesitated. "I'm sure you can explain everything as well as I could. Probably better than I could."

"Not so, Debbie, and you know it," the prick replied. "Your feminine charms would help convince them to use our products. They were the ones to first notice you and remarked to me what an attractive woman you were. I had to agree and told them you were one of our top employees. Now they really want to meet you. Your husband can let you go for a few minutes, can't he?"

Now the bastard was looking at me as he spoke. I had the feeling he was trying to make me the bad guy. That was fine with me. I had a nice evening planned with a beautiful woman that happened to be my wife. I had no qualms about pissing off some dickhead. Then Debbie looked at me.

"I probably should be polite and say hello to them, Dan," Debbie relented. "Why don't you have a drink at the bar and I'll join you in a few minutes?"

"If that is what you want, Debbie," I agreed. "I'll give you a few minutes."

"Thanks, Dan. I'll only take a couple and then we'll go home," she smiled.

Isn't it amazing how fast things can change? One minute I am on top of the world, looking forward to some hot sex with my lovely wife. The next minute I am sitting two stools down from a guy sleeping with his head on the bar and next to a chain smoking schizophrenic. He was having one hell of a conversation, and even arguing at times, all with himself. I nursed a beer to completion and ordered another. Debbie and her three male companions were laughing it up and having a great time. I began feeling neglected and started to sulk, as only adult men can do.

Fully half an hour, and two beers after Debbie had promised me she would only be a few minutes, I was totally pissed. I wanted to go over to her table and drag her away from those goddamn vultures. Common sense prevented that, however. I would never get laid again if I embarrassed her in front of her clients and a colleague.

I got up and went to the men's room. I thought if Debbie saw me, she might remember that I was waiting for her. I crossed in front of the table where she was sitting with the three men. On the way back to the bar, I had to walk around an empty table. That meant I was facing Debbie for a few steps. I almost choked when I saw that her legs were spread slightly and her bare pussy was looking at me from under the table. She was so busy chatting it up with her admirers she never even noticed me. I wondered how many guys coming back from the bathroom were given that shot?

It did occur to me that Debbie didn't seem overly concerned about embarrassing me. She had left me alone so she could be the entertainment for a few damn lechers. Then I remembered that Debbie had driven her own car to the restaurant to meet me. I didn't have to sit there and get drunk, inhale smoke, and listen to a one-man debate. I left a tip for the bartender and walked out the side door. I doubted Debbie would even know I was gone.

I drove home and undressed for bed. I found Debbie's thong in my pocket and that caused me some concern. It wasn't much of a line of defense, but it was something, and she didn't have it on. She was with three men and had a bare pussy.

I decided to put on some sweats and watch TV. My daughters came in from their girlfriend's place next door at 11 PM. They asked about their mother. I explained she was with some clients. By this time, I was wondering why she was staying out so long. I was both pissed and worried.

I heard a car pull up around midnight and looked out the window. I saw Debbie climbing out of a strange car laughing as if she hadn't a care in the world. She waved as the car sped off.

I was sitting in front of the TV when Debbie came into the room. She stood in the doorway with that 'I'll stare until you admit my presence pose' that women have. I ignored her. I didn't know what to say, but I knew it would be the wrong thing, no matter what it was.

"You couldn't wait a couple minutes for me to try to help make a sale for my company?" Debbie asked in her most sarcastic tone.

"I waited over half an hour, Debbie. You said a few minutes, but it was obviously much longer," I responded. "It's almost midnight."

"Well, you abandoned me, Dan. After the clients left, Barry offered to give me a lift since my loving husband had actually gone home without me. He suggested we stop at The Rusty Nail for a drink and I accepted the offer. He is quite handsome and attentive, don't you think, Dan?" goaded Debbie. "He knows how to treat a woman, especially one with no panties!"

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