Chapter 3

As he sat in the waiting room, Jeff tried to keep some spark of hope alive. Sarah obviously had feelings for him. The way she returned his kiss left no doubt about that. The problem was getting past the wall she had built up over the years. She had evidently made up her mind that she would be better off without him, or maybe she thought he would be better off without her. Either way, he resolved to not give up without a fight.

A pleasant looking young woman sitting behind a desk caught his attention. "Doctor Wolcott will see you now."

Jeff walked through the door and the doctor rose to greet him. "Jeff, you are looking well, how can I help you."

"Paige told me to talk to you. She said you helped Sarah through her recovery and have stayed close with her over the years."

The doctor frowned, "Jeff, I can't talk to you about what I discussed with a patient. You understand that, right?"

Jeff met the doctor's gaze firmly. "I'm not asking you to betray any privilege, but I need to find some way to get through to Sarah. If you're as close to her as Paige said, you have to have an idea of how to help me. She hasn't been your patient for years. There has to be something you can tell me. I am crazy about her and from what her family says, she feels the same way about me. She just won't give me the chance to get close to her."

Dr. Wolcott sat quietly, trying to choose his words carefully. "Well, I can talk to you in general about the way trauma victims feel. The victim of a sexual assault can have a wide variety of reactions. Some become insatiable with their desires, trying to fill a void in their emotions with the act of sex. Some even crave degrading acts because they feel unworthy of anything better."

"Some," and he paused looking directly at Jeff to indicate his meaning without saying it aloud, "retreat into themselves. They are afraid of being rejected to the point of making themselves miserable rather than risk being hurt. Some part of their behavior can be attributed to the guilt they feel."

"Guilt?" Jeff asked uncertainly. "How could she ... they feel guilty about something they couldn't control?"

"Control is a matter of perspective, son. In some victim's minds, they continue to question if they made all the right choices. If they had done something differently, could they have avoided what happened? Everyone in their life is exposed to their trauma, so sometimes they feel like they're responsible for everyone's pain, in a way. This is incredibly difficult to cope with, and it's why therapy can be so important."

"In Sarah's case, she has a permanent reminder of the event because of her scar. Every time she meets someone new, she knows the first thing they notice is something that is tied into the most traumatic event of her life. To be honest, I think she uses it as an excuse to keep men at a distance. She hates it, but it's also part of her defenses."

"Ok," Jeff responded, "so that explains why she hasn't dated much, but what about me. She already knows I care about her and that she cares about me. What happened to her doesn't change the way I feel about her, I already know the real Sarah and she's wonderful."

The doctor nodded his agreement. "She is a remarkable young woman, but in a way, you are more of a threat to her than anyone." He paused as Jeff shot him a confused look. "She knows you had feelings for her before you found out about her past. Now that you know, I'm sure she's afraid you might reject her. She's probably also worried about you being too nice to walk away, even though you might want to. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she has talked herself into believing that your pursuit is based on pity, which would be even more devastating to her."

"So let me get this straight," Jeff said, starting to get angry. "If I blow her off, it's because I'm a jerk. If I try to get her to see me, it's because I'm still a jerk, but don't want to look like a bad guy? How the hell do I deal with that?"

"Exactly," Dr. Wolcott answered cryptically. "How do you deal with that?"

"Great, now you sound like a shrink," Jeff answered, clearly frustrated.

"Jeff, I can't tell you any magic words to make things better. If I knew them, I would have used them with her seven years ago. She is such a special young woman that it kills me to not be able to help her. I watch her every week, wondering if there is something I could think of..."

With a swift movement, Jeff's head jerked up to look at the doctor. "What do you mean, every week?"

This time it was the doctor's turn to look confused. "She volunteers here every Monday and Friday in the children's ward. She has for years. I would have thought her family would have told you that."

He was surprised by Jeff abruptly rising and heading for the door. "Sorry doc, I've got to go."

Sarah walked into the hospital lost in her thoughts. It was the first time back since her last night with Jeff. She had missed three of her volunteer dates in a row and wasn't going to miss another, no matter what. Some days it was like the kids were her reason for getting out of bed. People often complimented her on how caring she was, spending time with sick children. The truth was, her time with the kids did as much for her as it did for them.

She had taken two days off work after her encounter with Jeff. It was so unsettling that she had no idea how to begin to deal with it yet. Part of her wished he had never come looking for her because of all the emotions it had stirred up. Part of her wished he wouldn't have left. She sat by the window of her apartment for hours, hoping he'd come back, wondering if she could have forced herself to talk to him. Jeff was a very good man, this was incredibly unfair to him and she knew it. How could he have any idea what she wanted when she didn't know herself?

Paige had tried to help, but Sarah had been angry with her sister for interfering and let her know it. She knew Jeff would find out her secrets eventually, but Paige had related the details from last Tuesday's conversation. Her sister had given up far too much information, then tried to defend it by telling Sarah how much Jeff cared.

"It doesn't matter. It's my life not yours!" she had said heatedly.

Although Paige had called every day, Sarah refused to talk to her. She loved her sister and knew Paige meant well, but this wasn't the kind of situation that called for an 18-year-old who thought she knew everything. As she walked down the hallway, Sarah thought again about what her younger sister had been through and what could have happened.

She shook her head as she approached the door. I've got to call her tonight and apologize, she thought. She loves me and is just trying to do what she thinks is right. Sarah even flirted with the idea of calling Jeff to apologize. She just couldn't imagine what she could say.

As she entered the rec room, she knew immediately something was going on. The kids were standing around with conspiratorial looks on their faces. She put it out of her mind as several of the younger ones ran up to her.

"Sarah," cried Jessie, a little girl who was her favorite. She had been injured in a fire and even after several skin grafts, still had terrible scars. Jessie's mom had told Sarah how much her visits had meant because the little girl identified with the caring woman who had her own scar.

She hugged Jessie and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "How are you, little angel?"

"Good," said the seven year-old. "I missed you. Where have you been?"

"I'm so sorry I missed the last few visits. I wasn't feeling very well. I'm better now, so I promise I won't miss any more, all right?"

Jessie smiled and said mischievously, "Ok, but you owe me a promise."

Sarah looked at her with an amused expression. "Ok Jessie, I owe you a promise."

"Anything I want?"

"Yes, I promise, anything you ask me." She laughed at Jessie's persistence. She expected to be making a trip to the cafeteria for a candy bar any second now.

"Well," said the child shyly, "one of the boys here likes you." Sarah looked around the room quickly, noticing flowers on one of the tables. "He was scared to tell you, so he bought you flowers and asked me to do it because we're friends. He wants a kiss from you and wants to tell you something. Remember, you promised."

Sarah was on the verge of laughing over the precocious child's demands. She tried to keep a straight face, not wanting to hurt any of the boys' feelings. The oldest child in the room looked to be eleven or twelve. It would be terrible to make any of them feel like she was making fun of them.

"Yes Jessie, I promise I'll give him a kiss for the nice flowers and I'll talk to him. So who is it?" she asked, still looking around the room.

Jessie smiled wide, and pointed behind Sarah. "It's him," she yelled, jumping up and down; excited to have succeeded at her mission.

Sarah turned and felt her knees go weak as she saw Jeff standing with a bouquet of her favorite roses.

"Hi Sarah, how about that kiss?" he said as all the kids began cheering.

She blushed as she looked around in embarrassment. She saw Jessie smiling with glee and knew she had no way out.

Sarah watched motionless as Jeff walked up to her. "You tricked me," she hissed.

"You didn't give me any choice. Now are you going to let the kids down or are you going to kiss me?"

She leaned forward to give him a peck on the lips, but he caught her and pulled her against him. He kept his lips pressed against hers, tilting his head so he could kiss her more deeply. She felt herself losing control again, just like at the grocery store when the loud, "Ohhhh," of the children broke them out of their moment.

"That was nice," Jeff said in awe.

"Yes," Sarah replied, still struggling to hold her emotions in check. "That just leaves the talk."

"We can talk later. Right now I have a lot of troublemakers to thank." He turned away from her and gave Jessie a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Sarah watched him, feeling caught in a whirlwind. As she watched him playing with the children, seemingly without a care in the world, she thought again about how amazing he was. She knew how strongly she felt for him, but didn't know how to begin to gauge his feelings for her. She had spent such a long time building the wall to protect herself, she wondered if it was possible to let down her guard and trust someone. The one thing she was sure of was that if there was anyone she would ever be able to trust, it would be this man.

Sarah drove, unable to organize her thoughts. Seven years of protecting herself and not allowing anyone inside had left her unprepared to change. It scared her more than she could face. Jeff already had the power to hurt her more than any man since the attack. If she let him in further, she couldn't imagine how intense it would get.

This is crazy, I've only known him four weeks, she thought. Twice she had talked herself out of going to his place, but couldn't seem to make herself dial the phone. It was like the scene at her apartment, but reversed. Now she was afraid something would happen and he would change his mind. It was a fear she wasn't used to and it hit her hard.

She found a parking space close to his apartment and reluctantly got out of her car. As she slowly walked to the door, Sarah nervously fidgeted with her hair and clothes, trying to make sure she looked her best before he answered the door.

When he opened the door, Jeff looked at her with open admiration. "Wow, you look amazing."

Sarah felt embarrassed, but accepted the compliment. Jeff asked her to come inside and offered her a seat on the couch. He went to the kitchen for drinks, then sat next to her. He suddenly was at a loss about what to say, so they sipped their wine in an awkward silence. Finally Sarah couldn't take it and spoke up, her voice sounding surprisingly brittle.

"So how did you work that out today? I didn't realize working with kids was one of your specialties. That was kind of a dirty trick."

Jeff replied evenly, "I told you before, you didn't give me any choice. I'm not going to apologize. I would have done anything to get you to talk to me. Are you upset?"

"No," she admitted, unable to suppress a smile. "I thought it was ... original. How did you know about me working with the kids?"

"I'm not going to tell you all my secrets," he replied cryptically. His mood abruptly lightened. "I've been spending all my free time with them since Tuesday. I was surprised. It was a lot of fun and they seemed to like me too. When I told them about my plan, they all wanted to help, especially Jessie. You're really close to her, aren't you?"

She nodded, "How did you like your new start?" When she saw Jeff's confused expression, she continued. "You told me in the hospital that you wanted to do something more important with your life. I can't think of anything more important than caring for those kids, even if you did it with an ulterior motive."

"Well, I had a great time with them. I'll be happy to go with you every week," he paused, "if you want me to."

Sarah nodded, feeling more comfortable. "Listen Jeff, I have to apologize about not coming to the hospital at the end. I didn't know how to handle what would happen when you could see again, so I ran away." She looked away, "I guess I've been doing that for a while."

He took her hand. "So my question is, are you ready to stop running? I don't want to push you to talk about anything until you're ready, but I want you to know you can trust me. I don't know what else I can do to make you see that I'm right where I want to be and I'm not going anywhere."

Sarah sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of one thing," she said quietly, unable to look him in the eyes. "That night at the hospital, I did something I've never even considered doing before. It made me want more." He could hear her voice start to break. "The only memory I have about sex was a terrible one. I want to have good a memory with someone I care about."

Jeff put a finger under her chin and tilted her head up so he could look her in the eyes. "Sarah, I don't just care about you, I love you."

He moved in to touch his lips against hers. He kissed her lightly, moving his lips across her cheek, her ear, then her neck. Finally, he returned to her lips, kissing her more passionately. He felt her lips part and gently began teasing them with his tongue, encouraging her to reciprocate. As his fingers gently caressed her cheek, his thumb softly traced the scar, causing her to blush. She pushed at his hand, uncomfortable with the contact.

He broke their kiss, and began leaving a trail of kisses along the only blemish to her features, trying to let her know he wasn't going to avoid it. After a moment, she gave up protesting and allowed him to proceed the way he wanted. When his hand moved from her face to her side, eventually rubbing the side of her breast through her blouse, she made a small involuntarily jump.

Jeff hesitated, reminding himself to be careful with her. "Let's go to my room, Ok?"

Sarah nodded her consent and followed as he led her down the hallway. When they reached his bedroom, he watched her reactions closely. She still appeared to be nervous, although she tried to appear confident.

They sat on the edge of the bed and resumed kissing for several minutes. Jeff ran his hands softly up and down her back, the touches slowly wearing down her anxiousness. When he thought she was ready, Jeff kneeled on the floor in front of her and began unbuttoning her blouse.

Sarah felt confused, she was uneasy, but every time his hands touched her shirt they would graze her breasts, causing a fluttering deep in her stomach that was building. She felt the button just above her bra give way and Jeff leaned in to kiss her between her breasts. She arched her back as she felt his lips touch her like no man ever had. Although he was clean shaven, she could feel the stubble on his chin rubbing against her sensitive skin. She was so lost in the sensation, she didn't notice he had finished with her buttons, only realizing how exposed she was as he pulled her blouse from her jeans.

She felt the nervousness giving way to the excitement he was causing. He gently caressed her over her bra. Sarah took a sudden, deep breath as she felt the front clasp give way and the material slide across her sensitive nipples. She pulled him close, thrilling at his warmth.

That immediately gave way to frustration when he briefly grazed her breast again with his lips, only to skip down to her stomach. He gently pushed her back until she was lying flat on the bed, then ran his hands down her legs until he reached her feet. He quickly pulled off her shoes before moving back up to her jeans.

Jeff paused for a moment, letting his hands run up and down the outside of her thighs. He reveled in her reactions to his touch. For a moment, he stopped worrying about what she might be thinking and realized just how lucky he was to be with an angel like this. The fact that she still was partially dressed added to her allure. He ran his hands over her stomach, settling on the snap of her jeans, which gave way with a pop that startled her causing another small jump. He again reminded himself to go slowly until she was ready.