Chapter 4

Albus Dumbledore groaned slightly, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Stupid wards... always interrupting my favourite dreams." This one in particular involved a sexy Brazilian masseur, named Lobo, rubbing lemon drops into his shoulders. Albus sighed, imagining a potential continuation of his dream in which he defeated Grindelwald by first distracting him with a killing curse and then piercing his left eye with a rapidly accelerating lemon drop. His thoughts returned to the masseur, who was now offering him the aforementioned sweets in exchange for chicken drumsticks.

And people wondered why he depended on his Occlumency so much.

Finally he realised that the wards were shrieking at him. Yelping quietly, he donned clothing more befitting of his many titles than his current pyjamas with imprinted SouthPark characters. He then extended his mage sight, asking Hogwarts what the problem was. As he viewed the sequence of events that led to Harry's 'capture', the wizard's wrinkled face grew progressively paler. "Oh Harry, what have you done? Never, ever, trust food, especially" — Dumbledore's face scrunched up, and his fists clenched, almost drawing blood — "a muffin."

Albus grumbled nonsensically to himself, knowing that nothing could be done to save the boy now. Instead he decided to check the Visibility Wards around the castle, something that he had neglected to do recently. He wasn't expecting to see anything — after all, it was well after curfew. He was, therefore, surprised to hear sounds coming from the Gryffindor common room.

He was about to investigate further, but a sudden interruption prevented this. It was a portrait; a very distressed portrait.

"Dumbledore!" he shouted, breathing deeply, "Voldemort's minions! Death Eaters in disguise! They're here! Board the doors! Ham-"

"Calm down Nikolai, what brings you to this conclusion?" The old man knew this portrait's behaviour well. He strengthened the room's silencing charms.

The portrait was hyperventilating. It screamed in panic, "Giant bobs of chewing gum, moving! In Hogwarts uniform! GryffindorTower!" — The headmaster wondered what Voldemort was playing at - "Hammer planks on to the windows! Protect the secret entrances with Devil's Snare! Place knives in the fireplaces! Cover the quidditch pitch with mouse-traps and floo powder!"

"Allow me a moment to verify the validity of your concerns," interrupted Dumbledore calmly. He paused. "By the way, would you like a lemon drop?"

"I am a piece of canvas, Albus," the reply came to gritted teeth.

"Touché."

Returning back to the wards, he extended his mage sight briefly into the common room in question. Only their shadows were visible in the small firelight, but it was clear that there were too very large men — definitely not Hogwarts students. Assuming that they were a new breed of giant, the headmaster withdrew quickly, shocked and disturbed.

"Oh Tom, you cheeky devil."

He cast Sonorus, and channelled the emergency communication given to him as headmaster, "Students and staff," boomed his voice across the castle, "It has come to my attention that Hogwarts has been breached. Now, listen to my instructions very carefully."

He paused here, possibly allowing for time for the message to sink in, but more likely for dramatic effect.

"Board your doors with what you can find, hammer large pieces of wood onto the windows, Professor Sprout, place Devil's Snare on all entrances out of the castle, prefects, arrange hot pokers in the fireplaces, and all staff, find the collection of... mouse traps... and floo — what?" He said this all very quickly, but calmly.

He turned a questioning gaze to the portrait, who shrugged. "The powder is slippery?"

Minerva and Filius burst into his office forcefully.

"What is the meaning of this?" shouted the lady.

"Huh?" replied the headmaster with eloquence belying years of public speaking experience.

"The security breech," replied McGonogall, speaking very slowly.

"Oh, that."

The teachers looked on, while Albus was wondering how to break the news.

"There are... horizontally-challenged giants in the Gryffindor common room," deadpanned Dumbledore.

"Thin giants?" questioned Filius.

"What?!" shouted Minerva simultaneously, in shock.