Chapter 2

Colin came home from deer hunting, bringing with him a nice sized buck which we sent out for processing. Things settled down some and he went back to work. My sister called and asked if I'd like to go shopping with her on Black Friday, the day that all businesses look forward to and all employees dread.

Laurie cooked Thanksgiving dinner for all of us at her house and, after helping clean up, I packed up my car, left the girls with Colin for overnight, and drove the two hours to my sister's house. We had a fantastic time, and I came home much poorer but with most of the Christmas shopping done, if you included all the things I had on layaway. We decorated the house when I got home and dragged out the old fake Christmas tree. I started baking, and things seemed wonderful. Colin got a small doe that his father hadn't wanted and we set aside a Saturday to spend cutting it up ourselves.

Colin got up and I heard him talking to the kids while I spent a lazy few moments still in bed. I got up finally, went downstairs to find out the he had gone next door, so I went and spent a few minutes cleaning up the kitchen so that we would have lots of room to spread out.

I heard the door open finally and he came back inside and into he kitchen where I was working. I turned to smile at him and saw his face. He looked grave.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"Laurie and John," he said.

"Are they getting divorced?" I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time. Anyone would have to be a saint to put up with the stuff that I had heard she did. Especially her kids. She liked to take belts to them, and being a small woman among big boys, I used to think she had a reason, until I saw her use it on one of her kids once when her husband wasn't home. I told John about it and he said he'd deal with it. I hadn't seen her do it again.

"Yeah, they are."

"Oh, God. I'm sorry," I said, squeezing his hand. He'd known John a long time.

"We need to talk, Kelly," he finally said after being quiet for a few seconds.

"About?" I asked, feeling this empty, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

He looked me in the eyes and I knew right then. "You've been sleeping with Laurie, haven't you? You are the reason they're getting divorced?" I pulled my hands away from him.

"Yes, I'm sorry Kelly. I don't want to hurt you, but I love her."

"You love her? What about me?"

"I love you, too. I just can't live with you. I've changed, Kel, we've changed."

I looked up at the man that I had spent the last six years with and felt my world fall apart.

A strange fuzziness came over me, making me feel like I was moving in a fog.

"So," he said, after I hadn't said anything for a while, "I think it's best for you to leave. You can take the girls or leave them here. But you have to go."

"What?" My mind didn't want to focus on the thought that he was kicking me out.

"You need to leave, Kelly."

I turned and walked away, not sure what I was doing, and went to the stairway. I could hear the kids playing in their toy room, hear Colin pick up the phone and make a phone call. I walked halfway up the steps and stumbled, landing face first against the risers. Cassie came to the top of the stairs and started down, sitting next to me and trying to help me up. I let her and then followed her up the stairs to pack.

It took a while but I managed to get stuff into suitcases. I heard someone knock at the door and saw Colin's cousin Seth arrive. They sat in the living room and I heard them laughing. My heart was breaking and he was sitting down there making jokes with a man I'd never gotten along with.

It made me mad, furious. I went down the stairs, knowing my face had to be beet red.

"Seth, while I am still in this house, it is still partly mine. Until I leave, I want you to get out."

The two men stared at me like I was mad. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I screamed, and he looked at Colin and then left. I turned to my husband, the man I thought I knew, and slapped him as hard as I could. It was the first time I'd ever hit a man since the abuse I'd received from my first husband.

I went back up the stairs, gathered our stuff and called the girls. I took them out to the car, refusing Colin's help, and stashed the bags in the trunk before getting the girls buckled into their seats.

"I want money, I can't take care of these kids on nothing." I held out my hand and he opened his wallet, handing me two one hundred dollar bills. I looked at him, for the first time hating someone with every part of my being. Then I got into the car and left.

How I made it to my sister's home, I don't know. I was in a daze, driving on autopilot. The girls were quiet, knowing something was wrong but not what. I pulled into my sister's driveway after the two hour drive, feeling as if none of it were real. How could he do this to me?

Sheri took over. She took the kids, taking one look at my ravaged face, and got them something to eat and started them playing some kind of game. I went into the bedroom I always stayed in while I was there, sat on the bed and held myself and rocked. I couldn't even cry. It was like a wall had completely blocked everything inside, all this pain being strangled inside of me and I couldn't get rid of it. I wanted to scream, to cry and rail and shout. But it wouldn't come.

Sheri came in and hugged me. I looked in her face and saw the sadness she felt for me. I was rocking, so she rocked with me until I finally pulled away. I walked out into the living room with her following me and checked on the girls. Then I sat down, stole one of Sheri's cigarettes, and lit up. I hadn't had one in almost two years and the taste and smoke in my lungs felt good, like greeting an old, unforgotten friend who just suddenly came home.

We sat at the kitchen table where I could see the kids playing in her living room and talked. I still couldn't get rid of the pain. I couldn't cry. I couldn't scream. All I could do was sit there and smoke cigarette after cigarette and answer her questions.

Sheri got mad. My sister is a little thing, barely five feet two inches tall. Somehow I'd gotten all the height in the family. She'd gotten the thick, gorgeous hair. But when she got mad, she looked about ten feet tall.

"You are calling him tomorrow and telling him to get his stuff and get out of that house. You have the kids and need the house to live in. Let him find a place to live."

I nodded and blew out a stream of cigarette smoke.

"Is this his first time fooling around on you, Kelly?"

Now there was a question I'd never considered. I looked back at our marriage, and suddenly the phone calls and the assault charges started to make more sense. Had he been doing this to me long? I had to answer her truthfully.

"I don't know, Sheri, I wish I did."

We talked a while longer and then I helped her fix dinner. I couldn't eat. I couldn't get anything except cigarette smoke past the lump that closed off my emotions. I sat in the room all night, listening to the girls' quiet breathing as they slept in rolled out sleeping bags over an air mattress in my room. I didn't want them far from me. Maybe I was afraid that Colin would try to take them also away from me.

The call was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was shaking so badly that I almost dropped the phone when he picked it up.

"Hello," his deep voice said.

"It's me." I tried to sound calm but I knew my voice shook.

"How are you?"

The question caught me by surprise and it made me mad.

"How the hell do you think I am?"

"Kelly, you have to know that I didn't plan..."

I interrupted his spiel, not interested in hearing it. "I want you out of the house. The girls and I will be back there tomorrow, which should give you time to get your stuff out and leave."

"Okay," he said softly. "Can I talk to the girls?"

How I wanted to say no. How I wanted to use them to make him hurt. But I couldn't do that, not for his sake, mind you. But for my daughters'.

"Fine, be out by noon," I said before calling Cassie over to talk to her step dad.

I tried not to hear their happy voices telling their daddy everything they'd been doing and how much they loved him, but it was difficult not to. When Katie said goodbye in her sweet little voice, I took the phone back.

"Tomorrow, noon," I said again and the quietly hung up the phone, hearing his voice but not the words he was trying to say to me.

It wasn't noon the next day but the day after that before I could finally make myself drive those two long and scary hours back home. I was afraid of what I was going to find when I opened the house. How would it seem without him there? Could I do this whole thing again? But I was also determined to find out everything I could about what he was and had been doing, who he had been with, and everything else I could. And I damn well wanted to get it documented.

I pulled into the driveway, anxious to get inside and find out how I was going to start my new life. I unlocked the doors and let the girls in, noting first that it was freezing. I went over and turned up the heat, telling the girls to leave their coats on until it warmed up. It was the beginning of December, and the cold had penetrated the house.

My cat came out of hiding, and, for some reason, seeing his fluffy orange fur made me feel even worse. I walked away while the girls petted and talked to him and went to the kitchen. The sight in front of me almost made me turn and leave the house.

They'd left their dishes sitting in the sink for me to do. I couldn't believe it. The sink that had been sparkling clean, dishes done and put away. was now filled with dirty dishes. Plates covered with egg scum, glasses coated with milky residue. Pans that looked as if the food had been baked on. It made me so angry I wanted to throw the whole mess against a wall and scream.

I turned and left the room, grabbing the girls and leaving the house. I needed a few minutes and the best way to get them would be to go to my mother-in-laws house and get my dog.

Colin and I had three dogs together, but only one of them I would claim. Our German Shepherd that we had rescued from an abusive home had become my baby. And with being alone and living out in the country, I figured that a big dog wouldn't hurt.

I was afraid that I might run into him there, knowing he often went home when he didn't have anywhere else to live. I'd be able to get a little revenge of my own, since, when we moved, John's uncle had offered Colin a job delivering propane. Colin had accepted, but considering what he and Laurie had done, I knew he was soon going to be looking for work.

I pulled into my mother-in-law's driveway and went and knocked on the door. It was the first time I had ever done that, knocked on her door and wait to be invited in. The girls tried to rush right in, but I didn't feel that I had that right anymore. After all, I was her son's reject.

She came to the door and opened it quickly as soon as she saw me. She hugged the girls and pushed them inside, hugging me and drawing me into the warmth.

"I'm sorry, Kelly." She patted me on the back and then got me a coke, taking it to the dining room table. All three of the dogs that we'd had were in there and my shepherd came bounding up to me, her huge tail lashing dangerously back and forth. As soon as I sat, she sat in front of me and put her head on my knee looking up at me with those soft brown eyes as if she understood and was saying she was here for me too.

Ann, my mother-in-law, sat down across from me and it took me a minute to understand what she was saying. "... wanted to tell you before, Kelly. But Colin wouldn't let me. He said that he had to tell you in his own way."

"Wait," I put up my hand to stop her flow of words. "Are you telling me you knew about this all along?'

"Since they went away together right before deer hunting season."

My stomach dropped into my feet. "They went away together?"

She shook her head sadly. "Yes, John rented them a room and they stayed there for the weekend before Laurie dropped him off at deer camp."

"John knew about this?" I was shocked, astounded, appalled. John would know and condone this behavior? How could he? My mind flashed on all the talks we had, trying to see if I could see some kind of pattern.

"No, I mean, I don't think he knew. He just got her the room so she could think things through." I heard the scorn in her voice. Ann didn't believe in cheating.

"How long, Ann? How long have they been sleeping together?"

"Three months."

"Three months!"

I thought back, the excuses he'd made to go over there, getting up early to take the dogs out and letting me sleep in. Were they meeting then?

I probed for information from Ann but didn't get any further. Instead, I grabbed the dog's leash and got the kids bundled back up and got ready to leave.

"Kelly, we still love you and the girls. I hope you'll still consider us family." She helped Katie on with her coat, giving her a hug.

"Ann, you're their grandma, you'll always be their grandma. I don't know what's going to happen from now on but I appreciate your honesty." I took the leash of Cami, my shepherd, and got everyone in my car.

It was only a short drive back home, not much more than two miles, and then we were piling out of the car again. Cami was happy to see me and was jumping around, making a nuisance of herself until we all got in the house. Then she curled up on the floor, only getting up to follow me when I left the room. I went into the kitchen, determined to get rid of those dishes that seemed like such a huge slap in my face.

On the counter was a pile of books, a note taped to the top one. I pulled it off. Sue. These were the books that I had lent her. She left me a number and asked that I call as soon as possible. I wasn't up for anything more tonight. Instead, I did the dishes and fed the kids, got baths done and got them ready for bed. After all, just because my marriage was over and my heart was broken, didn't mean that Cassie didn't have school the next day.

I got the girls in bed and went into our... my bedroom. I just stood there, staring at the bed, feeling sick. I had made it before I'd left that fateful day that seemed so long ago. The covers were messed up, the pillows indented, on both sides. He'd let her sleep with him in our bed.

I ran downstairs and made it to the bathroom, dry heaving after my body expelled all the water I had drunk during the day. I sat on the floor in front of the toilet, my stomach still heaving every time I thought of what he had done. My body shook with repressed emotion, but I still couldn't let it out. I flushed the toilet, drank a small glass of water, grabbed my pillows and a blanket, and made myself a bed on the couch.

I didn't think I'd sleep this first night and I was right. I channel surfed instead and when nothing captured my attention, I found a movie and set the VCR for repeat mode. Then I curled up and stared at the flashing pictures on the screen, not even paying attention to the movie, instead thinking of every incriminating instant of our marriage. The letters that he had gotten from some girl he'd said was on a bad track and he was just helping her. She'd babysat for the kids once or twice. Had he slept with her too?

I remembered back to the night I had Katie. It had been a rough pregnancy and I had been very sick throughout. I'd lost fifteen pounds instead of gaining weight. The doctor told me I had gall stones and recommended they come out as soon as the baby was born. Meanwhile, I had to eat a special diet.

I remember Colin and his friends went to the bar that night. It was over Father's Day weekend, that Friday, and I had gone to bed around midnight. I didn't expect Colin home until two or three, knowing that they went to a small bar where the cops hung out. The first pain woke me right before 1 a.m. It was sharp but went away quickly and I thought I was having a gallbladder attack. The second and third ones were pretty much the same and I got up to take some heartburn medication the doctor had recommended. After the fourth pain I realized I was in labor.

The phone book was the first place I headed, calling the bar that I thought they were at. No luck. I tried every bar in the city and then a few in the next city over. No one had seen him. I paced and rocked myself through the pains that came more steadily and quickly. Finally, I went in and took a shower, getting dressed in case I had to drive myself to the hospital.

About 3 a.m. he came staggering into the house.

"I hope you aren't drunk, you have to take me to the hospital." I was mad. No, I was furious. I could smell the beer on him from across the room.

But now that I thought about it, where had he been? I'd never asked him, the pacing and the shower making my labor progress fast, and Katie being born less than an hour after we got to the hospital. Had he been with someone else?

I was right, I didn't sleep that night, my mind tracking the years of our marriage and looking for deceptions. I was still awake when the girls came downstairs in the morning.

I called Sue the next day and she asked if she could come to see me. What could I say? She'd been good to me when she'd come and see her cousin, Colin. Of course, I said yes.

She showed up with a movie in her hand, making a joke that I could have kissed her for. The movie was "A Few Good Men."

We put it in after the kids were in bed. I don't remember watching any of it. This was Sue's big moment to confess. She said she wanted to tell me because she considered me her friend.

Colin had tried to sleep with her on more than one occasion. She'd kissed him, she'd messed around a little with him, but she always held him off. She hadn't known anything about Laurie. And she couldn't believe that he had done this to me.

The words that she said that got to me the worst were these. "He told me that you would probably commit suicide when he told you to get out. He said he wanted me to help him raise the kids after you were dead."

How could I have been wrong about another man, and so wrong at that. What happened to the man that I married, who laughed at me and found me delightful and funny, sexy and beautiful? Where was the man who promised me I could kill him before he'd divorce me?

Sue gave me a hug before she left that night and I asked her to come over again. She might have some blame in what her cousin did with her, but she didn't have anything to do with him leaving me. She'd been fooled too.

A week passed without me hearing from him, a week where the kids were constantly asking where their dad was. A week where I had no idea what was going on. Had he filed for divorce? Where was he living? Were he and Laurie together?

I talked to John who told me that Laurie was staying with her father. She had walked out on her four boys on the youngest's first birthday. She'd left without giving those kids an explanation, without showing remorse or telling them that she loved them. How could a mother walk away like that?

Through John I found out more. He'd had it out with Laurie that morning and then called Colin to come over after Laurie had told him everything. He'd known that something was going on since Thanksgiving night, the night that I'd gone to my sister's home. Laurie had come over, supposedly to help Colin with the kids. She'd been over here for hours, leaving John alone with the four boys. John had come over and looked in the window and had seen them hugging.

Laurie had told them that he was thanking her for her help and that was all. Ha! Yeah right, I look that dumb. Cassie said she'd come to the top of the stairs that night and had seen Colin and Laurie kissing. I asked her why she hadn't told me before and she said because daddy told her not to or else he'd have to spank her.

Well, I promised her no spanking and sent her in to play. I didn't want this to affect my children anymore than it already was.

Money was tight, but I made some long distance phone calls, calling people we had both known when he was a police officer up north. His old partner's wife was a font of information. She gave me names and time frames of the different women he'd been seeing. She even told me that a couple of them hadn't known he was married, and when they found out, had dumped him.

John's sister was also a help. She had dated Colin and had been his first girlfriend. She told me that while we were dating and right before we got married, Colin was coming down on his weekends and taking her out. She had no idea about me either, not until the wedding announcement came out in the paper. He'd been fooling around on me before we'd even gotten married.

This information made me furious, and, combined with the girls wanting to see their father, I set out to track him down. He was staying at his mom's in that same trailer we had lived in. When he finally came to the phone, I only told him that the girls wanted to see him. I would rather have this out face to face. We made plans for him to come over the next day and I hung up.

He showed up twenty minutes late. I had locked the door purposefully, to make sure he had to knock, and also to make sure that I remembered to get his key back. It worked, he tried to walk in just as I thought he would. Arrogant pig.

I asked for his key and he hemmed and hawed about giving it to me until I became insistent. Then I left him alone with the girls, going into the kitchen to do dishes and to generally keep myself busy until I walked him out to the car to find out what was going on.

He found me first.

"How are you?" he asked, coming up behind me and putting his hand on my shoulder. I jerked it away and held up the sharp knife that I was washing. Even though it was covered in soap suds, I think he caught on to the threat.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," he said, backing up a step. "I was worried about you."

"Yeah, so worried I had to call you to get you to come and visit your children? So worried that I haven't heard from you at all in a week? Yeah, I feel that worry across the room, Colin."

"Well, I was talking to my mom, and she made me see that I should live up to my responsibilities."

I turned and glared at him, my hands dripping soapy water on the kitchen floor. I was so furious I didn't care. "Which responsibilities were those, Colin? The fact that you have a wife that you just forgot about for convenient periods of time while you fucked other women? The fact that you have children and so does that bipolar slut you left with? The fact that you left your God damned dirty dishes in my sink for me to do? Or that you fucked that bitch in my bed? Which responsibilities does that cover? Huh?"

"Kelly, you need to calm down."

If I'd been screaming then I might have understood his words. But my voice never raised even a half an octave. I never lost control or struck out at him like I wanted to. I was as calm as I was ever going to be. I took a deep, shaky breath and turned back to the sink, staring out the window at the field next door.

"Have you filed for divorce yet, Colin?

"I don't want a divorce Kelly, not yet anyway."

I turned again, this time feeling the urge to commit murder. "So you thought you could sleep with Laurie, fuck around with all the others, and stay married to me? Have your cake and eat it too?"