Chapter 10

I became to realize that no matter how much I saw her, how much I loved her, I was always going to be number 2 in her heart behind Missy, but I was OK with that. Seeing the change in her when she spoke about her daughter was refreshing in this day and age where parents send their kids to school for breakfast and have a stranger keep an eye on them until they finish the day's work. In my mind I envisioned a day when Dianna or I would meet Missy when she came home from school and be able to be there for her. In slow moments in the pharmacy I began to put together our financial situation if we combined incomes. If we ever got married (GOD, did I really even THINK that word?) I was a firm believer in one couple, one marriage, one pot. There was no his and hers on earnings or finances. We had already discussed a pre-nuptial agreement of sorts where we would both claim, before marriage, a figure agreed on as a starting point. Should we ever break up we would each lay claim to that figure we went in with, and of course, the house was her property. She had to protect her child and I had no qualms over that. Sex became lovemaking for Dianna and I as we spent a lot of "sack" time together before Missy came home. We truly did worship each other and ran our minds ragged trying to find a fault we hadn't noticed before that we couldn't possibly live with. Where I had been in the past, randy 24/7, I could be content to sit and read the paper while she fixed dinner, or the other way around as we both considered ourselves gourmands. However the occasional moment when a hand would come over my shoulder to my crotch while I read made me happy. Or, to see her announce dinner was ready in her apron and have her turn and see she had nothing underneath it was always welcome. We made love, we played, we had a ball, and now that was going to end with Missy coming home soon.

When I brought that fact up while sitting in the easy chair I sort of claimed as "my chair" in her living room, Dianna looked at me with a serious look and knelt on the floor just beside.

"What would you think of moving in within a couple weeks, we'll give Missy a chance to get to know you, get used to you being around and then we'll have "the talk". She misses having a Dad around and barely knows hers. At her age, I wonder if she could pick him out of line-up, she only sees him 2 times a year,. Her two best friends have active Dads and I hear her complain about it." Dianna said shocking me that she would bring it up so soon.

"Uh, ... uh ... uh," I stuttered, not prepared for this talk that I knew might come up eventually.

"Dean, I don't want to live away from you anymore." She whined.

"NO, I don't either, but I just didn't expect this so soon. I thought we would talk engagement first, and we should wait a while for that." I said scrambling for words to say that wouldn't hurt her.

"Are you having second thoughts of being in a home with me AND my daughter?" She asked suspiciously.

"No, not at all, and put that thought out of your head. What guarantees do we have that she'll take to me, and not look at me as an interloper between you and her, her Dad and her." I asked.

"Truth be told, although I usually stick up for the son of a bitch, her Dad is a lousy father and I think he could care less about her. Once his Mom is no longer around I don't think she'll ever see him. In the year he's been gone he's taken her twice and each time it was with his mother doing the leg work. This is the third time and Missy didn't even want to go until I told her MY mother was going along too. They'll stay at his house, but he's not there half the time. The last time she went, Missy never left the house with him. You know, kids aren't stupid." She said disgustedly.

"Well my sweet, when she comes back you'll have to lay the groundwork and then I'll start being around more. After a few weeks we can try some sleepovers and see how it sets with her." I explained.

"God, Dean. I don't know if I can stand sleeping alone again. The last 10 days or so has been the best I've slept and felt in a long time. I've gotten rid of a lot of stress and I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed the love, the sex, and the tenderness." She said with a big grin on her face.

"What is your MOTHER going to think?"

"My mother already knows I'm "getting it" while they're gone. She's happy for me. My Mom is cool." Dianna assured me. "Don't worry, she'll approve of you, she hated my husband."

"Here's the thing," She continued, "and I'm not saying this to put pressure on you because the onus is on me too. For you to move in we have to be able to say we love each other so we can express it in certain ways in front of Missy so she knows you're special to me, and the other way around. Now I obviously think that I am falling in love with you, just so much fits for us. I fell for you the first time we were together and you've just endeared yourself more and more to me. Not to mention we have had a couple things that could have hurt our relationship, and we hurdled them just fine. A lot of guys would not have been forgiven for the screwing around you did, whether you were committed to me or not. On the other side, my drunken escapade was totally irresponsible and could have scared you away, but we saw our way through both of those things." She reasoned and then looked to me for comment.

"Hey, don't look to me, you're doing just fine if you're trying to talk ME into it." I said with a chuckle,... "I think I can say I Love You to you and mean it with all my heart. However, I know I haven't really said it yet and probably won't until I know it's at a time and place in our relationship where I know you can say it back to me too, and mean it the way I do. That doesn't mean I have any doubts about either of us, it's just that the first REAL time is the one that really counts. Am I making sense?" I reasoned back.

"I totally understand and as much as we throw around the "I Love You" phrase in passionate moments, I think we both know the difference, between the phrase and the sentiment." She said holding her hands up to reinforce her words.

After a long pause I softened and leaned up in my chair to get closer to her face as she knelt on the floor beside me. "Dianna, you know that I have seriously thought about the two of us making this permanent, being married. Gosh, there's that word again. But, you know and I know that getting engaged now, just a few months since we met would be real ingenuous to both of us, Missy, your Mom, and my parents. We KNOW what we want. We shouldn't tell the world, and let my parents, your Mom and even Missy tell people we're getting married, and then have it fall through. Our parents and friends would begin to wonder about our failed relationships and begin to think that you or I were the problem."

"The only thing that would make it fall through would be you taking up with some young tart." Dianna said, as I waited for her smile and poke me to tell me it was kidding, a joke, but no, she meant it.

I sat back in my chair and pulled the paper up, as a wall, saying, "Thinking and saying and suspecting things like that are the reason I WOULDN'T ask you to marry me. I will not live like that. Love is trust and despite my track record, I NEVER cheated on you and NEVER lied about anything. Never say you LOVE me until you can tell yourself that YOU TRUST ME."

Losing my cool, I took the paper I was "reading" and balled it up and threw it over my head and got up while she started to make excuses and apologize. I was pissed off and rip roaring and decided I couldn't stay there and listen to her apologize while I was sure it was not sincere. Just the way she said it, I knew it was something that ate at her all the time. THIS was the reason I couldn't live with her now or ever if she was to hold that over my head. My word is my bond and besides what she "thought" she knew, I kept my word, and would continue to. I know what I have with her, and wouldn't do anything to lose it. Period.

I went out her front door despite her protestations and apologies. I simply got into my car and drove off. I had a warm bed of my own to sleep in tonight. She needed to think about her feelings and prove to me that she trusted me. She had followed me like a nut case before, had gotten drunk to run and find her ex-husband to tell him he was the reason she couldn't trust me, and now she had exposed her inner thoughts, even if by mistake. I really wanted to love her unconditionally, but she apparently couldn't let my past life and habits behind.

Based on the fact she had followed me after stalking me I decided to park on the next block over from my house and cut through the neighbors two arbors that led to a common picnic area and to my yard. I needed time to think alone and her pounding on my door making a scene would only drive her further away in my mind. I would make it look like I wasn't home.

If she tried to call my house, the phone would still forward to hers and I turned my cell off. I went into the back door and without turning on any lights, went into my den, put on some light jazz and I strapped on the wireless headphones and got on the recumbent bike to ride and think.

Being constantly under suspicion was pissing me off. I may have done a lot of unethical things sexually with people I shouldn't have been with, in situations I shouldn't have been in, but I never cheated on a woman I said I was committed to. Dianna was the most beautiful, most sexual, and above all, SMARTEST woman I've ever known. Our tastes were similar in so many things and I've NEVER felt so comfortable, so soon in any relationship where I actually pictured myself being with that person forever. If I could think of one thing I could do to make her believe this, life would be perfect. But my ego could not get past this. You could make a list of a hundred shortcomings in my make up, and the words cheat or philander would not show up. My heart was burned in a couple relationships early in my life and I knew the pains, even if it was only puppy love. I saw my parents marriage strained to a trial separation because my Mom couldn't live with the fact my Dad, who was a P.A., worked in a clinic with 4 women. Truth be told, my Mom was 10 to 20 years older than any of the 4 and MUCH better looking top to bottom than any of them. (Even now when I went home to see them and would look at my Mom I know how lucky my Dad was) I don't know what my Dad did to convince her he had no interest in any of these women and that working with them didn't automatically mean he got intimate in any way, but they worked it out.

If Dianna had tried to follow me, I doubt she figured what I did. If she was out front waiting for me, she had a long wait. If she figured I was in here and was pounding on the door, I couldn't hear her, nor did I care. If she went to Stu Mulligan's to wait for me, or drown her sorrows, she couldn't get drunk as long a Joyce was behind the bar. Joyce had her figured as an unstable drama queen, a point I had hoped she was wrong on.

What I really hoped for was that Dianna stayed home and thought about her words and her thoughts and finally realized that holding me in her heart meant that she did trust me. Looking at me with a suspicious eye all of the time was going to drive her crazy either before or after she drove me away.

I was pedaling to an Oscar Petersen groove when suddenly I realized I was listening to Ahmad Jamal and over an hour had passed. I had literally put my mind to sleep in my deep thoughts and pedaled unconsciously. It was where I wanted my mind to be at the time. Going back over to her house to scold her, shake my finger at her, or hit her nose with a newspaper, was NOT going to stop this and I could no longer "prove" to her I was who I said I was. She had to realize this herself.

Not knowing how she was taking my exodus should have driven me crazy, but it wasn't. I hoped in my heart of hearts that she was using the time apart to rationalize everything. It was only around 9 o'clock and I was tired and wanted to cap the day. This was something I had done all of my life. Whenever a day had gone so poorly I could barely live with it, go to bed and hope that a fresh day would result in a fresh outlook. Kind of like restarting your computer, with all things back in the row they should be, the landscape would look more promising. I went upstairs and curiously peeked out the blinds before taking a leak and going to bed. I took a night-time pain reliever for the ache in my over pedaled knees and I was out.

I must have been stressed out and over tired because, uncharacteristically, I slept right through until 9 a.m. Instantly I was pissed I slept so late because I sort of planned to call the Pharmacy and relinquish my last two days of the vacation I scheduled to be with Dianna. Unless there were some emergency I couldn't give back that day after the pharmacy shift started at 9, but I could give back the Saturday and save it for a better time. I didn't lament "wasting" the other days I had already used, because I had such a wonderful time with Dianna. I only wish I knew how she "really" felt that whole time.

Heartbroken is the word that would describe how I felt. Going back to her would satisfy a lot of the stress I felt, but I just couldn't live with her assumptions. My only consolation was finding all this out before we got her daughter involved. I knew I would have to face her again, but I needed a couple days off to lose the edge I had. Everything I had told her, promised her, and, I thought, proved to her, meant nothing.

I put on coffee and showered, like a normal day off. I foraged in the freezer for some Belgian waffles I made a while back and froze. As I looked in the back of the freezer I couldn't help but feel I was being watched. I spun around and checked the slider and the windows in the kitchen, but I guess it was just paranoia, or maybe I wanted her to come and confront me. In any event I pulled the vertical blind on the slider and pulled the shades down on the window and put my waffles in the toaster.