After all these years, I'm just numb. When we were first married, I was deeply in love with my wife. It was obvious to see, and easy to verify. Now I wonder if she ever really loved me.
It was thrilling to see the joy in her eyes when we were together. Just to hold her and make her feel safe brought great joy into my life. It was easy to talk with her, to be with her; and touching her inflamed me. When we could be alone together I was eager to bring her pleasure, not really wanting to push her for my own; but desiring it nonetheless. Her words promised much, just later. Later. I would return to my room and give myself relief, as I smelled her scent on my fingers and hands.
We had a traditional wedding, in a small church. Our parents and a few friends came out to wish us well on our journey through life. I claimed my bride fully that night, both of us fumbling ineptly through our first times. The times after were much better after we both lost our fears. I came to truly love using my mouth and tongue on her breasts and pussy, watching her reach peak after peak consumed my mind. Afterwards I had to 'get off of her' because she couldn't stand my weight on her when we had finished coupling. Even when I desperately wanted to just have her in my arms.
The few times she used her mouth on me felt good, but she could never keep going until I finished. I would either 'shoot up her nose', or she would cough and gag before my orgasm ran to completion. She never complained about the taste or anything, but also never swallowed. Anything I said to try and explain how to make it better for me was met with 'you don't love me' or 'I'm such a failure'. I soon gave up any thought of explaining what felt good to me.
The rest of our marriage progressed along, as well. I supported her in her career choices, and lent support in all her decisions. When things didn't go well, I gave her an ear to talk to, a shoulder to cry on; and rebuilt her self-esteem so she could face each day. Myself, I just plodded along making a steady but unspectacular paycheck from month to month. Slowly I learned the skills needed to advance and make more money for us. The months rolled together into years.
Our sex life also continued apace. I would approach my wife, and sometimes we would connect; and other times she was 'too tired' or 'too busy'. Or 'just not in the mood'. I discovered that I was 'not romantic enough', and bought some books to help me become more understanding and romantic. During and after a romantic outing, she would often promise to 'reward' me for my efforts. More often than not, these promises went unfulfilled.
I once convinced her to try anal sex. She had me get her very drunk before I was allowed to try this 'dirty sex act' with her. Even as I felt her tight ass around my cock, my mind was screaming 'It isn't supposed to be like this!' It was a truly miserable experience for both of us. So, I told myself; 'Never again.'
In the last few years I've noticed that she also has a tendency to lie to me. When she would get home from work there was always some 'big event' that she had to tell me about. Or something had happened with a friend or member of her family. Only if I ever followed up and asked anyone about it, all I got were astonished looks that I could imagine such things!