Prologue

Meredith drew a deep breath. They were probably the hardest words she'd ever have to say. "Brandon... We need to talk." And that was saying something, considering that some point in the next half hour she'd probably have to tell him that she couldn't marry him.

Brandon looked at her, his face expressionless. "Yeah," he said. "I guess we do."

"I... I think we learned a lot about each other, a few weeks ago," Meredith said, the words spilling out in slow motion. "When I was in The Program."

"Yeah," he said. "For instance, we both found out a lot about each other's family." A flash of a smile, neither warm nor humorous. "On the whole, I'd have to say I like yours better."

She did too, but that was beside the point. "Brandon, for the past few weeks you've been... Inaccessible, really. I mean, we... We talk, we hang out, we even have sex, but... Sometimes I'm not sure you're really paying attention to any of it."

"Well, for that matter, you haven't been very present either." The control of his tone wasn't enough to conceal the anger beneath them. She heard that anger very often these days. It was beginning to grow uncomfortable. "I try to talk to you and you're out on the moon somewhere."

It was the truth. "I know," she said, "I've just... I'm sorry. I've been so... So busy, and..." That wasn't the truth, unless by 'busy' one meant 'consumed with guilt over sending one's brother to jail, ' but really, Brandon didn't need to know that. He hadn't understood then and he didn't understand now.

For a moment she thought his anger might get the better of him; but it receded. "It's okay," he said. "I know you're busy. It hasn't been an easy few weeks for us."

"No," she said. She felt the fragility of the world under her. "It hasn't."

There was silence for a moment. He studied her face. She drew breath and tried not to let fear take over her heart.

"So, what did you want to talk about," he said finally.

How could he not see it! "Brandon, I... You've been busy, I've been busy, we haven't... We haven't talked in forever. We talk even less than we have sex."

He gave a wry smile. "Now that's saying something." His attitude shifted: "Not like we have sex all that often anymore. What, twice since your birthday? You know," his tone turning reflective, "I actually jacked off the other day. And I thought, What a weird relationship if I do that when I could get my rocks off the normal way."

"I know, I miss it too," she said to placate him. "And we're always so distracted by everything... I remember sitting here at lunch—on Thursday, remember, when Arie was talking about Rebekah DeMarne—thinking, This is when Brandon normally leans over and says something to me, and, you didn't, and, it was so bad."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I must've been thinking of something else. I was writing an essay a week ago and it was something you would've liked, and I wished you were there—"

Suddenly she saw just how empty the conversation had gotten, how much they were simply shoving things out to appease each other. Talking, but not saying anything. "Brandon, I'm scared I'm going to lose you," she blurted.

He said nothing.

"It's June," she said. "School's ending soon. In three weeks I'm going away and I won't be back until August. I want to make sure everything's okay by then."

"Oh, it'll... It'll be fine," he said.

She stared at him. "You seriously think that?"

He shrugged. "Yes." That wasn't the truth. In point of fact, he just hadn't thought about it much. So she was going away for most of the summer, to some music camp. She'd done it every year. What was it going to be like without her? He had simply no idea at all, so what was the point of wondering?

And yet something niggled in the back of his head: that he already knew. That losing her for the summer would be no different than now. After all, did he really have her now?

"I don't," she murmured. "I'm going away for three months and I want to be sure you'll still be here when you get back."

He was shocked to realize she was crying. He knew it was his fault. Guilt bubbled up in him: that wasn't what a boyfriend was supposed to do.

"Then... Then let's talk," he said. He reached out to her, but hesitated; his hand brushed her shoulder. They had flown so far into space in the past few weeks that he couldn't even be sure she would like him to touch her. And how lucky he was, that she'd given him the excuse he needed to change his mind. A fresh wave of affection crested over him: How lucky was he, to be near such a clever girl? "Let's talk, Meredith, and let's work this out. I still wanna be here when you get back too."

"Okay," she said, wiping her eyes. Her eyes were the penetrating gray that had never failed to make him melt. "Okay. Let's talk."

"Let's talk." Impulsively he reached out and took her hands in his own; she let him, and she smiled.

"Brandon..." she said.

"Brandon I need your help like right about now," Sajel blurted.

They blinked at her.

"It's Jane," said Sajel, oblivious to the moment she had just interrupted. "She's in the bathroom and she won't come out."

"Well, as long as she comes out within five minutes, she won't be breaking any rules," Brandon said.

"Brandon, she's sobbing, she's hysterical in there," Sajel said.

"Oh, Christ," Brandon said, "I'd better go help her, where is she?" It was only after he'd taken three steps that he remembered the hands he'd dropped.

Meredith looked at him sadly.

"I'll... I'll be back," he said.