Chapter 14

It could have been a dark night. Chirping crickets would have echoed on a hillside. The quiet would have been wonderfully undisturbed.

But it was not welcome here.

"Ray, it wasn't like that... It didn't start like that. It started as a discussion of art. I can't deny I was attracted to him. I was. All I can say is I told him things that I would take back if I could. The only comfort I received was physical. I always left with the world still weighing on me. I want you to be the one I go to. For that brief time you were. For that short period, when you took care of the kids, and you were carrying me, I was happier than a woman with my mistakes has a right to be," Dana said.

Ray looked away in disgust. He had asked for it. He got no comfort from the truth. He rarely did.

Dana continued, "No, listen, please. I went to him with sadness when I was low. I thought he would understand. He saw my art. He liked it. But I don't think he ever understood it. He didn't understand me. He didn't care about me. He didn't know me. He just didn't understand. People say things like this are meaningless. How can they be meaningless when we hurt someone we l... care about? That is the only thing that has come out of this Ray. That I have hurt you. And for that I can only beg and plead for forgiveness. His time with me was a routine. I never felt better. I was never happier than when I went to him to end it. And now I will lose you and possibly the kids," she finished with a quiet sob.

Ray unclenched his jaw. "You will never lose the kids Dana. You are a wonderful mother to them. I am not going to take them away from you. I want them to be happy. No matter what, they deserve to be happy. "

"And you?"

"I can only promise the kids."

She grimaced. It looked like she wanted to say more.

Mike interrupted, "I think we should wrap things up for today. I don't think we'll get any further today."

"Okay," Dana said faintly.

"Before we go let's talk some more about the anger. Ray is going to be feeling quite a bit of resentment. It's necessary and healthy. But we need him to work through it. So go home and set a timer for twenty minutes. And during those twenty minutes, twice a day, Ray can be as angry and upset as he wants during that time. He can be mean and hateful. But Ray, it is controlled. That means when the kids are not around. That means it must be about the affair. And it almost goes without saying that it is not physical."

"How does that work?" Ray asked.

"For those two periods of time a day you can be angry about the affair. You can shout. You can call her names. You can be upset. But only for those forty minutes a day. The rest of the time is a conscious effort to be positive and to work towards a resolution. Dana the tough part is that you are going to just take it. That is your role. You are going to listen and understand. You aren't going to defend yourself or offer excuses. There will even come a day that I will just want you to hold Ray as he says these things."

Ray shook his head. He was skeptical. He looked over to Dana. She looked scared. But she nodded.

"You both have to be willing to do this," Mike finished.

Ray nodded as well.

"Ray, I also want you to think about what Dana can do to reassure you. What steps, however odd, however extreme, that she will be able to take to make it seem like this could work." Mike seemed very deliberate in his choice of words.

"Like what?" Ray asked.

"Maybe one thing you can ask for is a journal of every time Dana thinks about this other man. Something along those lines. But bring your list in and we will discuss them in the next meeting. And Dana, I would also like a list of the things that you would like from Ray as well."

"All right," Ray said.

"What kind of things?" Dana said.

"We've danced around it for a good reason, but we've still danced. Ray has trouble opening up. That is what I want you to come here with. Things you want to know about him. What do you want him to start talking about?"

"Yes, I'll have my list," Dana said eagerly.

Ray owed Luke a call. He was startled awake in the study. It was probably due to all the uneasy dreams. Since he was up early he went into the office with plans to call his friend. The other man had called the day before looking for an update.

Ray rang him hoping to reach voicemail. He knew in the back of his mind that he wasn't up for calling anyone. Not if you hoped to not get him. Chances are the Fates being who they are; they will conspire to ensure that the other person would be there.

"Luke speaking," the other man said as a greeting.

"Hey it's Ray. Just returning your call."

"How ya doing man?" Luke said.

Ray could hear the smile in his voice. It was hard to hear. He wanted nothing but happiness for his friend, but he couldn't fight the clutch of envy.

"I'm okay. Dana and I are seeing a marriage counselor."

"Great. I was hoping that you would realize that what you have is too important to let go."

"Yeah. Plus I want to make it work for the kids," Ray said.

"What? What do you mean by that?" Luke asked.

"I want to be a good father to Judy and Tim. I want them to know that I am here for them. If I have to live in a bad marriage then so be it."

"Man, you are fucking stupid," Luke said tersely, barking his comment out like a pit-bull.

"What do you mean? What are you getting upset at?" Ray asked.

"And Ray what happens when you can't hide your dislike of Dana from Judy and Timmy. And what happens when you start complaining to them about their mother."

"That's not going to happen," Ray said confused.

"And when you can't help but say, 'if you guys weren't around I could leave. Leave your mother and start over happy'," Luke growled.

Ray realized then how stupid a comment he had made to the one person he shouldn't have.

"Dana and I are not like them Luke."

"I'm sure when they did it they weren't like another couple they probably knew about. It doesn't matter what your intentions are. It can happen. Judy and Tim may not get the facts right, but they will know the feelings. And before long they will want nothing more than to be far away from you guys."

"But..."

"Ray if you and Dana don't feel any love for each other, end it now. I don't care what your counselor says, just end it. You can be a father to your kids even if you don't live with them. It'll be hard, but they'll hopefully still love you when all is said and done, and the dust settles. You are putting too much responsibility, too much of a debt on the backs of these kids. No one is strong enough to carry the baggage of someone else's past, especially children. They aren't jaded enough to just let it fall to their feet in futility."

Ray didn't know how to answer. He didn't have any answers anymore. He had enough trouble keeping track of all the questions.

"Okay Luke."

"Ray, do this for the love of Dana. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Okay Luke."

"I'm sorry, let me go."

Luke sounded upset.

"I'm sorry for not thinking man. I don't know why I am going through with it, but I'll think about what you said," Ray conceded.

"Okay."

The first period was uncomfortable. Dana came was in the study the next night after the session with Mike.

She put the kitchen timer on the desk. She set it for 20 minutes, took a deep breath and said, "Go ahead."

"This is silly," Ray replied. "I can't just plan to be angry."

Dana didn't say anything. She just looked at him.

"I guess we are going to sit here staring at each other for twenty minutes."

No response from her.

"Are the kids in bed?" Ray asked.

Not a word. She took a step closer. He took a step back.

"I spoke to Luke," Ray said.

She took another step forward. He stood his ground.

"Dana, just say something for Christ sakes. This is stupid."

She looked at him again. She reached out and laid a hand on his arm, letting her fingers stroke along his forearm.

"Don't touch me," he snapped pulling his arm away.

"Don't ever touch me again. You don't have that right. You think you can fuck someone else and then touch me. You really are a crazy bitch. You single handedly set out to destroy our marriage. To destroy me," Ray said.

"Say something damn you. What did you tell him? Did you cry out his name? Did you beg for more? I hate you. God I hate you. There are so many days lately that the first thought that I have every morning, is that I wish I never met you. That I wish that I had died. You want him, then go to him. Go. Go paint yourselves silly. Paint yourselves into a drunken stupor and choke on paint fumes," he lashed out.

Ray was being pushed by a wave. He was half riding it, and half trying to keep his mouth and nose above its depth.

"What else have you lied about? What else have your friends lied about? Hell, just tell me the kids' are truly mine. You toss around the "L" word. Do you have a fucking clue what it means? Why is it always about you? When is it about me? Why do I have to sacrifice everything for you? Everything. I know how little you care about me. I know how little you want me. Why don't you just stop lying to us all and admit it?"