Chapter 13: Dinner with Ned

Early Friday morning, Ned called Toni's office, waited for the voice mail and said, "Hi, it's Ned. I'm busy at lunch today, so I'll pick you up at your place tonight at seven thirty. Look forward to it. See you then."

That evening, Ned arrived at Toni's door precisely on time, and in an instant, Toni came out and slipped into the car. She smiled. "You weren't taking any chances, were you? The voice mail said you called at six o'clock this morning."

"I have to get up early - school starts at eight. Thought I'd just make sure things got off to a good start. How are you?"

"Fine. Busy, and that's good. Where are we going? I've forgotten the name."

"La Fenice. It's an Italian place I know - the owner is an old friend of mine. I think you'll like it. The food is wonderful, I think."

The restaurant was in a rather ordinary-looking, pseudo-mission-style shopping center at the corner of 28th Street and Iris. The head-waiter met them and took them to a table off to one side. The room was quiet, well-furnished and well-lit, the tables gleaming with napery and crystal. The kitchen was open across the side of the room and the staff was quick and able. Toni wore a long, dark dress of a heavy silk with sleeves and, surprisingly, a jewel neckline. There was a heavy choker of pearls at her neck that rested on the points of her collarbones.

As they settled into their seats, Ned said, "I want this to be a nice, quiet dinner with a woman I like a lot, Toni. What will you drink? Can I suggest something?"

Toni, looked around appreciatively and replied. "Thank you. I like it here. And yes, I'd like a Martini Rosso. "

"I forgot. You travel a lot. Good choice." As the waiter came for their drink order, he passed the request along, ordered the same for himself. They began to read the menu. When their vermouth arrived, they each ordered a light soup and an interesting entrée from the Northern Italian cuisine; a good wine to go with it. They touched their glasses.

Toni looked at him. "You know, you terrify me. When you asked me to dinner the other day, I got a case of the jitters and almost said 'No'. I don't know what it is. Every time I see you I start telling you things I don't even admit to myself." She grinned ruefully. "This is an example. What is it you do?"

Ned replied, seriously, "I don't do anything, Toni. I just like being with you. You're strong, you dress beautifully, you look terrific."

"Thank you. I don't feel that strong, most days. And, the way I've been falling apart on you surely doesn't reinforce that."

"Yes, it does. You've carved yourself a niche in a tough business. That takes talent and strength and a whole lot else. And yet, there's a kind of vulnerability about you that offsets your strength. Makes you human and fun to be with. You don't fall apart, Toni, you just say what you're feeling. Not everyone can do that."

"Well, my business is kind of stressful. But I love it. Staying out of the fashion side of the clothing business helps a lot, takes a lot of the hectic out of it, but I still get to be creative - within the limits of what I do. But saying what or how I feel is not my usual behavior."

The soup arrived, served in elegant, low dishes. It looked as good as it tasted. Toni beamed. "I had no idea there was any place like this in Boulder."

"Franco is an old friend of mine. When he quit his job in New York, I got him to come here and start another restaurant."

They ate quietly for a moment, then Toni spoke again. "You're unusual for a school counselor, I think. The ones I remember didn't seem to care as much about the kids as you do."

Ned looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure I care any more than my colleagues. I just feel as though kids need a different approach than most of us are trained to give them."

"How does that work?"

"Well, I have an office, of course, but I try not to be in it much. Kids hate being seen going into the Counselor's Office. I try to run into them in the halls, on the campus. Make our talk casual. Kids in high school are often wary of being 'serious', so I try to keep things light, but still make a point. When I have to talk serious, I try to find a place to do it that takes the stress off the subject." He smiled and sat back. "I guess I work too hard at a low profile, but it seems to work. I think the kids trust me. That's half the battle."

When the main course was served, Toni looked at her steaming plate. She leaned forward, waved the vapor toward her nose and inhaled, smiling. "Wonderful," she said. "This is a wonderful restaurant. I want to eat everything in the place."

Ned watched her, smiling. "You confirm my prejudices, you know. In spite of yourself."

Toni looked surprised. "What do you mean?"

"You're a sensualist. You love colors, fabrics. Your clothes - I'm sure you make them yourself - are elegant, but they move and fit with a specially sensual look. And you love good food - I'll bet you're a good cook, too."

Toni flared. "You're crazy. Sensual? Sensualist? I never heard of such a thing. No one ever..."

"Sorry, I told you it was a prejudice. Hope you're not angry."

She recovered quickly and smiled. "Pretty hard to be angry over a compliment. Thank you. I've never thought of myself like that. Never." She smiled momentarily, then looked at Ned ruefully, "But if you're right, I mean about my clothes looking sensual, I'm not as good as I think I am."

"How so?"

Toni began to eat, slowly, savoring the food. She looked at Ned as he ate, too. "I do make my own clothes. Because I can't find any in the stores that are concealing enough. I try to dress as though I don't have a body. If you think it looks sensual, I've failed - at least at that."

Ned concentrated his eyes on his food. "Oh, they're concealing enough. No one would think there was a female under there, if that's what you want. But that's really only one part of it. As I said, the fabrics, the colors, the way they're cut - simple, direct, but very sensual. Take the dress you're wearing. The color is rich and becoming, the material is beautiful. But, everything is intended to focus my eyes on your face and neck, not on your body. And, it works.

"Just the same, when you walk it's clear you are long-legged, strong, with a graceful stride. The way you walk makes your clothes swing and vibrate in a way - well, it tells me that what's inside is fit and active and healthy and... Well, just say your clothes make you look like a remarkable woman."

Toni's eyes had fastened on him and grew rather larger as he spoke. When he fell silent, a shiver ran through her that was clearly visible. She changed the subject, asking Ned where he had gone to college, about his youth, about anything to keep him from talking about her. Ned was aware of her attempt to distract him and responded with a synopsis of his life, his childhood on the Colorado plains, study at UC Boulder, his apprenticeships in the social services in two or three states, his decision to settle and work in the Boulder County schools. After a reasonable time, he returned to Toni.

"And, what about you? Where did you grow up?" he asked. They had finished their entrées and ordered a dessert with coffee and liqueur.

"Well." Toni shrugged and grinned. "I'm from San Francisco. A Francisco from 'Frisco. Not much to say about that, really." To Ned, it sounded as though there was a lot more to say.

"Italian or Spanish?" was his reply.

Toni looked at him sharply. "Spanish. I'm surprised you know the name's in common - really, that you know it makes a difference. My dad always said we'd been in California a lot longer than anyone knew, and he thought he could document the family back about four hundred years. Not that it made any difference. We lived in what they now call the Anglo community, simply not making an issue of our roots. Lately, I've begun to look a little further into that."

"Was your mother Spanish, too?"

"No, she was - is... Well, I don't really know what her ethnic background is - Italian, I suppose. I've always only thought of her as the Pope's Daughter." Toni looked toward Ned, her eyes focused at about the third button of his shirt. He said nothing, waiting as she paused, to see if there was more to come.

Toni went on, still focused on Ned's shirt-front. "She came from a devout Roman Catholic family, and she's in love with John Paul II. I mean, she reads every word he writes or says and buys every single bit of it." Her eyes shifted upward in the general vicinity of Ned's eyes. "My name's not Toni. I'm Marie Antoinette. Dad wouldn't let her name me Mary; that was as close as he'd let her get. She calls me 'Mary', though. Usually when she wants to tell me what I'm doing is sinful." Toni's eyes were back at Button Three.

"Your namesake came to a sad end. Misunderstood and caught up in events she couldn't control." Ned wondered to himself how well that applied to her.

Toni shifted her regard to her cup, stirring the remains. "I was luckier, I guess. No one's tried to cut my head off." Her grin was rueful and remote. "Dad was a big help. He helped me deal with the reality of life and showed me how to honor my mother without buying her ideas. But there's a lot of her in my outlook on life, I guess."

"How'd you get along in school?" Ned hoped to lighten things a little. Her reply surprised him.

"Really well. I got good marks, I had a lot of boy friends, I was reasonably popular with the girls, too. Actually, I got into a little trouble with the girls, because I... Well, let's say they didn't care for how I treated my... the boys."

"How was that?" Ned prompted, quietly. He did not want to interrupt the stream that was flowing so strongly now.

"I slept with them. The girls thought that wasn't fair; we were supposed to let them kiss us or feel us up - above the waist - or whatever, but we weren't supposed to give anything back. I couldn't do that. If I liked a boy a lot, I almost always ended up in bed with him. It felt good, it made us both happy - most of the time."

"And, when it didn't?"

"Then we'd break up. I never made a big deal about any of it. Dad taught me discretion. Showed me how keeping things low-key paid off in the long run. He taught me to stay out of the view of the morality police. But girls sense things. You can't keep anything quiet, certainly not having sex with guys who later go on to sleep with your classmates."

"What about your mother?"

"Well, I never really related to her all that much. Sorry, bad word: 'related'. I didn't talk to her much, never confided in her, just in Dad. She didn't seem to mind, as long as I appeared to be doing the things she told me. She never really got over my not going to church, but she had to accept it after a while. No, I guess you'd say she only had a minor effect on me."

"And after high school?" Ned asked. Their drinks were gone and he signaled the waiter to bring the check. When he looked back at Toni, her face was ashen.

"Are you all right?" Ned asked.

Toni looked at him directly, now for the first time in some minutes. "Please, Ned. Take me home... I'm... I'm feeling kind of funny." Her face showed her distress. "I've said too much." She looked briefly angry. "Damn! I said you frighten me. Now, you've opened me up like..." She was trembling visibly.

"I'm sorry if you're upset, Toni. I think what you've said is just how a person like you would react in the kind of world you lived in. Come on, we'll go."

Ned left money on the table and stayed close to her as they walked to where the head-waiter stood. He said, "It was a wonderful dinner. Thanks. Tell Franco I'll call him tomorrow." As they went out the door, Ned took Toni's elbow, guiding her toward the car. He opened her door and helped her settle in. When he sat behind the wheel, he started the engine, waiting for a moment as it settled down. He looked across at her. Her face was still white, her eyes were full, and she stared in front of her at her darkened reflection in the windshield.

"Something happened after high school. It has to do with college, doesn't it?" Ned said quietly. Toni nodded, numbly. Ned eased the car out of the parking space and began driving slowly toward her apartment.

Toni's voice was only barely louder than the sounds of the car. "Yes. I don't know why I'm telling you this... I've never...

"I went to college and I loved it. I was doing fine. I got to know a bunch of girls, a few nice boys. I pledged a sorority..." Her eyes overflowed, and Ned pulled a tissue from the arm rest, handing it to her. She took it from him and mopped her face.

"I pledged a sorority. And one afternoon I was in my room and four of the girls came in." Her voice broke. "They came in and they grabbed me. They took me into my bedroom, and they tore my clothes off me..."

Ned was turning into her street. He pulled into the space next to her car and simply stopped, turning off the lights, leaving everything else running, not wanting to disturb her torrent of emotion and revelation.

"... and they tied me to the bed. Naked. And then they began to torture me. I screamed, I tried to fight them off, but there were four of them and they were strong. They gagged me, so all I could do was moan and try to breathe. Oh, God, it was horrible."

"What did they do when they had you helpless?"

"They tortured me. They put their hands all over me. They played with my breasts, they played with my thighs, with my... They tried everything to make me hot, and they did. They licked me, they kissed me, they touched me everywhere. They wanted to make me come, and they did that, too. I tried not to. I didn't want them to make me do what I liked to do. But they did. And once they did, they wouldn't stop. They made me come again and again and again. I fainted once, but they made me wake up and they went at it again. They made me come for four hours, until I was almost unconscious. Then, they untied one of my hands and left me there."

"What did you do?"

"I slept. I was so exhausted, I slept for at least four hours. It was almost midnight when I woke up. I managed to untie myself. And, I had some food in my room, so I ate something - I was ravenous. And then I went back to sleep. But I had nightmares. I had them for weeks. I still do"

"What about the girls? Did you do anything about them?"

"No. I knew better. It was one of the biggest sororities on campus. If I'd said anything they would have trashed me. I just quit the sorority thing and put locks on my door and wore nothing but sweat suits for the rest of my time in college. I still... Oh, we're home." She looked at Ned, seeing him. "Ned, I'm sorry. I said I'd never told anyone this. I'm sorry it had to be you. Would you take me upstairs? I'm feeling a little shaky."