Chapter 10

Thankfully the rest of the summer was quite a bit less embarrassing than the afternoon I walked in on Chris and Natalie. After undoubtedly having a talk about being caught, Natalie and Chris kept their dalliances to themselves, sticking mainly to Natalie's room, although I did almost walk in on the two of them in the downstairs TV room once or twice.

Judging from the sounds coming up the stairs, they were either heavily involved with each other, or had decided to watch a bit of porn. Either way, I found the thought once again massively stimulating and found myself, again, on my bed, prick in hand.

But as arousing as their moans and squeals of pleasure were, I didn't fantasize about the two of them exclusively, much to my relief. They were but a pleasant, if awkward, fantasy and I knew just a diversion to my real issue.

Most of the time I thought about Heather, and not just when I was horny. I missed how we used to lie in bed together and just talk. I missed how we had grown used to each other's presence from living together. I missed how we would make breakfast together, not speaking any words as we prepared to eat, but dancing around each other in the kitchen as if the entire process was choreographed.

I missed her.

They say time heals all wounds, and I certainly hoped they were right in my case. I realized then that Dr. Bergerud and my sister, damn them both, had been correct. I didn't want to give Heather a free pass on her activities, because I still felt the pain of walking in on her, but I wanted to give her a chance to explain herself, to really talk it out. I wanted to hear what she had to say without screaming and lashing out at her.

I wanted to give her another chance, and hoped that she would give me one too.

Two weeks later, and it was now the end of summer. I had still not called Heather although I wanted to. In fact, I almost had on numerous occasions, but each time I picked up the receiver, the thought of making some foolish mistake made a quick end to my plans. It wasn't as if I wouldn't see her immediately on my return, since she was in my apartment, and I steeled myself for what could be another ugly confrontation.

"You're coming to visit, right?" I asked as I hugged my sister one last time before I headed out. "I'd really like to see more of you this year."

"Sure," Natalie chirped happily. "But maybe not as much as you've already seen," she blushed. "Just, Let me know when a good time is for you."

"I'll do that," I laughed, giving her a quick hug as I turned to wave at my parents.

"I'm going to miss you," Natalie said as she squeezed me once more.

"It's only going to be a couple months," I said.

"Okay," she groused. "Promise?"

"Promise," I said, nodding for emphasis.

I turned to my car, preparing to climb in when Natalie tugged at my shirt sleeve.

"Daniel?" she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she said.

"For what?" I asked. In truth, she had been there for me more than I ever had for her.

"For keeping a secret... when I needed you to," she answered, "And for supporting me, when it was finally time to not keep any secrets." She blushed as she said it, looking down nervously.

"You're welcome," I answered. "Hey, what are brothers for?" I asked. She grinned once and leaned up to kiss me on the cheek. With that Natalie turned and headed back to the house.

I waved once more, climbed into my car, hoping it would once again make the trip from Illinois to Nebraska, and headed down the street.

Summer, mercifully, had ended, and it was time for me to return to school, and begin thinking about classes, and new assignments from Dr. Bergerud.

I was once again going to be his teaching assistant, although there had been some very unsubtle hints in one of our phone conversations that I would be taking on more of the load in his lectures. It appeared as though he had been serious about me possibly taking over for him, or at least taking on some of his schedule, when he retired, or moved on to wherever he was going.

I wasn't particularly sure how I felt about this development, and hoped I wasn't pushed for an answer too early in the school year. I knew things were going to be hectic and more than likely a bit out of control when I returned to Omaha. Adjusting to school and teaching was going to be hard enough. Add in an expanded set of responsibilities on top of my already existing duties was going to put pressure on me I hadn't felt for years. But I knew that it would be a good chance to see if teaching was really what I wanted to do, and I welcomed the stress.

Those problems were going to be easy, in reality, and if I could have gone straight to campus and begun working, I would have jumped at the chance. No, the real problem was going to be when I arrived back to my apartment and opened the front door. I knew Heather was going to be there, and the two of us were going to finally have our talk, for good or bad. Truth be told, I was actually looking forward to talking with her. I hoped it didn't end as badly as our last attempted conversation.

No, the problem wasn't that we were going to get into an argument. We had argued before and had always been fine, except for the last one. And I was over that, or at least hoped I was able to put away my hurt and really listen to her as we talked. The problem was that I knew that at the end of this discussion, there was a chance that Heather would go her way while I went mine.

And I knew that if that happened I was going to miss Heather worse than I had after Europe, because I had realized during our summer apart that, far from being ready to see her out of my life, I still loved her.

I just hoped I could convince her it was the truth.

Happily, my trusty car had enough in it for at least one more drive to school, and around six o'clock that night I pulled into the parking lot behind my apartment building. I grabbed one suitcase, but left the rest in the car, planning on dealing with it the next morning at the earliest. I was tired, but not so exhausted I wasn't looking forward to at least seeing Heather.

To my surprise, as I approached my building I noticed the lights were off and the curtains drawn in my apartment. I wondered if Heather had gone out, but when I unlocked the door, the truth of the matter was plainly evident.

She was gone.

"Shit," I mumbled as I looked at the living room. Heather hadn't left in a hurry, and none of my belongings appeared ruined or out of place, but everything that Heather owned was clearly missing.

A part of me was relieved... relieved that our confrontation wouldn't come right away, but scared. Scared she had not only left, but left for good. Scared that in the month and a half I'd been too afraid to call her, she had moved on with her life and found some other guy. Terrified that I'd never see her again.

A piece of paper caught my eye, and my hopes were raised when I thought she may have left me a note. And indeed she had, but not the kind I'd hoped for.

"Dan," it said in Heather's loopy scrawl. "The plumber's coming on Saturday."

That was it. There were no apologies, no mention of anything that had gone on.

I balled up the note and threw it in the garbage, far more tired now than when I'd been driving.

Locking the door and turning off the lights, I staggered to my bedroom and looked at the bed, but couldn't sleep there. That was the bed Heather and I used to sleep in.

Grabbing a blanked and a pillow I went back to the living room. I turned the radio to a classical station, hoping for something soothing, and made my little bed on the couch.

Sleep was a long time in coming.

The week before school started up was as hectic as any I'd known since I started college. Dr. Bergerud was serious in his plans, and I found myself inundated with class schedules, lesson plans, lecture notes and more student visits than I'd ever hoped to see. It was a bit overwhelming and not for the first time I started questioning my desire to teach.

"It's worth it," he said one afternoon when I told him how exhausted I was.

"Really?" I asked.

"Absolutely."

My own classes, the ones I would be taking, were shaping up to be busy as well, but with a little boost of confidence from Dr. Bergerud, I felt I could perform well.

Sadly, Estelle, Dr. B's longtime secretary, had indeed retired at the end of the previous school year, which left an enormous hole in our beginning of semester planning. Thankfully however, the uptight battle-axe the school had brought in last year as her temporary replacement was nowhere in sight, but that didn't make things any easier for the two of us.

Estelle had been a fixture at the college for many years, and often Dr. Bergerud and I found ourselves lost, knowing that if Estelle were only here, we would have had to but ask the question, and the answer would have been at her fingertips. I asked Dr. Bergerud one afternoon if the school had settled on a replacement, but for some reason he hedged on his answer.

"Not real sure," he mumbled. "It's still kind of up in the air. Not real sure yet."

"Is there a problem?" I asked, my curiosity aroused by his answer.

I tried to get more out of him, but he refused to say any more. I thought the solution had presented itself when Katie, Dr. B's daughter, showed up one afternoon and began helping us in the office.

"Are you the new secretary?" I asked in amazement. She had done an excellent job on short notice the year before and as sad as I was about losing Heather, I had to admit that Katie would be very easy on the eyes if she were hanging around the music department.

"Only part-time," she answered. "I have other stuff going on, but I think someone else is coming too," she said, but couldn't give me any names.

"Why don't we just hire a couple of students to work part-time in the office?" I asked one day. "They could certainly file and copy, right?"

"We might do that," Dr. Bergerud allowed. "But we're really looking for someone to take over permanently. It's a huge hassle to have so much flux in an academic setting, and if we can ease that problem just a little bit, it will be huge. Especially with me leaving," he continued, looking pointedly at me.

"What?" I asked, knowing what was coming next.

"Daniel, have you thought any more about what I spoke with you about?" he asked.

"You mean taking over after you leave?" I asked. Dr. Bergerud nodded, waiting for me to answer. "I have," I finally said. "I'd really like the position. I love it here. I like the other faculty. But... don't you think I'm too young?"

"Not really," he said, shaking his head. "A little younger, perhaps, than I was when I started, but you also have much more experience."

I must have made some sign of displeasure at his words, as all the experiences he had relayed to me came flooding back. Dr. Bergerud grimaced at my expression, standing back to look at me intently.

He had told me during the plane ride back from Sweden the story of his life. How he had grown up in a very reserved fashion, had a steady girlfriend, but just found something was lacking. How he had one day found his way into an adult bookstore and found himself surrounded by pictures and paraphernalia he had only imagined before.

"It changed my life," he had said on the plane. "For both good and bad."

His habits had eventually led to Dr. Bergerud being fired from his position teaching middle school music. But he had been fortunate enough to almost immediately find a position with the college, the position he currently held and was considering giving up.

I also remembered Dr. Bergerud telling of the temptations that went along with his position of power over so many students. How it wasn't uncommon for students to offer bribes, both monetarily and sexually, for better grades. And I remembered how he had admitted to accepting those bribes, even reveling in them, with a few students.

In fact, to my surprise I had found out that Stacey had been one of his students, one of the last he had ever had a "relationship" with. How he had considered the possibilities of marriage for the first time. It might have worked, and the fact that their ages weren't that far apart didn't make things impossible, although it would have meant moving on. It would have been worth it, he had said, based on how much in love he had been. But then she had disappeared immediately after graduating.

Eighteen years had gone by and Dr. Bergerud had been alone, until one day, not much more than a year ago, as it turned out, his passions had been re-ignited by another student. A freshman he'd never met before came into his office. Her grades were not what they should be, and offered herself to him. For some reason he couldn't place, the girl seemed familiar, and it was only after accepting her advances that the girl told him the truth.

Her mother was Stacey Roberts, his student from so long ago, and that Katie his student was in reality Katie his daughter. This had all gone on the previous school year, although I had been oblivious to much of it. It had indeed surprised me when Dr. Bergerud started showing up to events with his wife and daughter, two women I'd never met before this year, but his story explained a lot.

"Do you think I'm disgusting?" he asked suddenly, and I was jerked out of my thoughts and into the conversation at hand.

"What? No. Why?"

"You know what I've done. Who I've done it with," he said. "What I did to my wife... my students... my daughter."

"I'm not really one to judge what you do in private," I said. "And you said you didn't know until after that Katie was your daughter, right?" I asked, already knowing that was the case. He had told me it was a one-time thing with Katie, although he and Stacey were very open about what went on between them, even knowing she might be around. "I'm surprised you behaved that way with your students, but... it has to be tempting," I admitted.

"It's not you they want," he said sadly, as if regretting some missed opportunity or some failure. "It's just the position. Have these women wouldn't have given me the time of the day if I wasn't their teacher."

"They used you," I said, half in jest.

"And I used them right back," he sighed. "I guess we both got what we wanted. What we deserved."

"I suppose," I said carefully, not wanting to upset him. "But why do you ask?"

"If I don't upset you... if I don't disgust you, then what's so different about Heather?" he asked pointedly.

"I... I don't know," I shrugged.

"What has she done that's so wrong?" he asked quietly. "I know what she did, and how it upset you, but... haven't I done far worse, and you still talk with me... still respect me?"

I nodded. I knew he was right, and wanted to tell him so.

"Sure. But... I thought Heather and I had something different, and I just felt so betrayed. I want to tell her, I really do. But she left, and I don't know where to find her." I sighed miserably, sitting back into the chair in front of Dr. B's desk, looking at him for some bit of guidance.

"What would you say to her?" he asked, sitting down in front of me.

"I don't know for sure. I'd tell her that I've missed her. That I want to sit down and actually talk with her, not scream and throw out accusations. I'd tell her that I love her," I said.

"Why don't you call her?" he asked in confusion. I had found out that Heather and Katie had talked, and Katie was aware of where Heather was staying and had given me her phone number, and Dr. Bergerud knew this also.

"I tried," I said, to his obvious surprise.

"Really?"

"For all the good it did!" I spat out. "I called her right away. She picked up the phone, heard who it was, and hung up before I could get anything out."

"I'm sorry," Dr. Bergerud grimaced.

"Oh, it gets worse," I sighed. "I called back right away, but again, the second she heard my voice, she hung up. I tried a third time, but the phone just rang. I think she even unplugged her answering machine, so I couldn't even leave a message. I don't know what she wants."

"Would you tell her you're sorry?" Dr. Bergerud asked.

"Yes," I replied immediately. "Absolutely. In a heartbeat. But she didn't even give me the chance. I don't know if that's what she wants."

Dr. Bergerud sighed. "Maybe someday you'll get that chance. Hopefully sooner than later," he said.

I hoped so too.

Still, it was a complete shock when I went in the following Monday for the first day of classes. I had two of my own seminars early in the morning, and didn't actually get into the music department until just before lunch. I checked in Dr. B's office to see if he wanted to get some food, but he was nowhere to be found, so I went to check with Katie.