Chapter 9

After we left the hospital, I drove to the nearest liquor store. For some reason I felt this overwhelming urge to get rip roaring drunk. I think Renee did as well, since she didn't even comment on where I'd driven too. As we walked the aisles, Renee picked out two bottles of wine and a small bottle of tequila for herself, while I grabbed two bottles of Scotch and some mixers. We paid and headed for the grocery store to pick up something for dinner.

Once back at Stacy's apartment — I was having a really hard time thinking of it that way under the circumstances — I carried the groceries into the kitchen and opened the tequila and Scotch. Fortunately, Stacy had bar glasses and surprisingly, ice, so I didn't have to be a complete barbarian. I mixed of a margarita for Renee while pouring myself a Scotch on the rocks then got down to the business of making fettuccini Alfredo. After we ate, splitting one of the bottles of wine, Renee and I spent the evening on the couch doing nothing and working on getting completely obliterated. We selected a light comedy from Stacy's stash, but I don't recall that we really paid any attention to it. I don't recall that we said much to each other either, unless it was in regards to refreshing a drink. At some point, I remember Renee saying she was heading to bed, via the bathroom. When I heard her retch a few times I knew she wasn't going to get to bed and ended up carrying her out and laying her on her side on the bed with a trashcan nearby. Once I had her settled, I proceeded to try to find salvation at the bottom of one of the bottles of Scotch. Salvation is rarely found at the bottom of a bottle, and my hangover the next morning assured me that I hadn't come close. From the sounds of the groaning in the bedroom, Renee wasn't in much better shape. At least she was up and mobile.

I sighed and got up from the couch where I'd apparently spent the night. The world slowly righted itself and I went to the bathroom to relieve my very full bladder. After taking care of that, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the two quarts of Gatorade that I'd stashed in the fridge the night before. I opened one and took a long drink hoping to quell the rumbling of my stomach and the pounding in my head. Opening the cupboard, I found a small bottle of acetaminophen and took two, washing them down with another long drink of Gatorade.

My stomach growled as I walked back into the bedroom with the bottle of pills and the second quart of liquid. Renee gave me a bleary eyed stare, but accepted the drink and pills without comment. She swallowed two pills with a couple gulps of Gatorade and lay back against the pillows with a groan and shut her eyes.

"You didn't get any Sprite, did you?" she asked.

"No, but I'll go get you a can from the machine down the hall if you like."

She didn't reply and her eyes fluttered shut.

I shrugged and left the bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand. Walking back into the kitchen, I decided to make myself some breakfast. I pulled out the eggs we bought the night before as well as the bacon I'd managed to slip in the cart, taking advantage of Renee's obliviousness. Soon I had bacon frying on the stove and I supposed the smell wafted out to the bedroom, because Renee suddenly appeared in the doorway holding her head.

"Is there enough for two?" she asked, looking shaky.

"Ummm... sure. I'll make more," I smiled, trying not to look surprised. Renee has always given me a ration of shit about eating bacon and eggs on account of the cholesterol. Not to say she doesn't eat eggs and she does enjoy the occasional BLT, but having them together she thinks is a terrible health risk. On the other hand, she may have realized that greasy food would help her stomach. It always works for me.

Giving her the first round, I tossed a few more pieces of bacon in the pan and grabbed more eggs. I gave her the first two pieces of toast that came up and sent two more down in to the toaster. Renee ate quickly and was headed for the shower by the time I had finished cooking my breakfast. I noticed that she hadn't asked me for coffee — not that I'd remembered to buy any let alone think about making some — and she had finished the quart of Gatorade I'd already given her. At least she wasn't going to collapse from dehydration.

When I finished my breakfast, I could feel my headache fading somewhat and headed for the shower. I entered the bathroom just as Renee was exiting the shower. I grabbed a towel and wrapped her in it and hugged her. Renee slumped against me for a moment as though she were gathering strength to face the day. I held her until she pushed me away.

I got in the shower hoping she hadn't used up all the hot water and managed to get mostly clean before it turned ice cold. I got out of the shower and after drying off went back to the bedroom to get dressed. I found Renee lying on the bed partially dressed.

"Everything ok?" I asked with a wince, the words pounding in my brain.

"Umm... yeah. I just got a little dizzy."

I chuckled lightly and sat down next to her. "That can happen when you drink that much."

"Ugh... I know... I'd forgotten... Why did you let me drink that much?" she demanded, "My mouth feels like it's lined with cotton."

"Under the circumstances, I wasn't about to stop you... Besides you're a big girl now, you can make your own decisions... "

Renee gave a huge sigh and sat up looking very vulnerable suddenly in her beige bra and panties. I went to put my arm around her but she hunched away.

"Hon... What can I do?" I asked sounding frustrated.

"I'll be fine," she huffed, "I just need a minute."

"Fine," I snapped as I stood up. I stepped over to my open suitcase and began pulling out clothes. Renee eventually slid off the bed and took her blouse off the hanger in the closet. She dressed quickly and silently left the room. I was irritated. I was getting tired of being so understanding considering how much Stacy meant to me. In short, I was getting tired of being the strong one when all I really wanted to do was rage at the world. I took a deep breath and tried to bring my anger under control. It wasn't right when Renee had been friends with Stacy for so long. Then again...

My anger cooled and I finished dressing. I found Renee doing dishes in the kitchen. I walked in and found a dish towel. She didn't say much as I dried the dishes she was washing. Upon finishing, she asked me, "Ready to go."

"Yeah," I replied quietly. With that we headed for the hospital. I could feel a familiar gulf widening again as I drove and I saw no way of bridging it.

Justin and Alicia met us at the hospital. Justin broke the bad news to us while his wife stood silently by. Stacy was showing no brain activity at all. Near as they could tell, the tech the day before had been so desperate to find any activity that he must have caused a false reading. Stacy was going to be declared brain dead and Justin and Alicia were going to have the machines disconnected. Despite that, they had agreed to let us each have a chance to say goodbye and were not going to turn them off until we'd had that opportunity.

Renee went first, while I stood in uncomfortable silence with a couple who could have been my in-laws. I couldn't take watching Renee in there with a woman I suddenly realized that I loved as much as my wife and walked off a ways down the hall. I found myself in front of Tori's room, but looking in I discovered that they must have moved her because she wasn't in the bed and the room looked to have been cleaned up. I sighed and stared through the window for a while then wandered back down by Stacy's room. Justin and Alicia had disappeared and I was actually thankful for that. I sat on the nearby chair and fidgeted for a long time while Renee sat in the room.

Finally she came out and held the door for me as I slowly walked in. I sat in the hard plastic chair next to her bed and tried to compose my thoughts.

"Stacy...", I began quietly, "I don't know if you can hear me, but here goes. I hate you for leaving me. I hate the fact that I can't turn to you anymore when I don't understand Renee. Hate the fact that you never told me you wanted children because you know Renee and I would have helped you raise them as our own. I don't want you to go...

"Damn it woman, why did you insist on driving?" I slammed my hands into the mattress. "Why? Why is it you and not me lying there, so cold and remote." I could feel my anger rising once more. I was helpless to contain it in my grief. Not wanting her parting thoughts to be of me raging at her, I stopped and took several deep breaths, trying to get my anger back under control. It was several moments before I was calm enough to continue. I reached over and placed my hand on top of hers.

"I can't change the past hon, and I don't know what's going to come. I don't know if Renee and I can survive something like this. The cracks were there for so long and you were the only thing at times that held us together. What am I supposed to do without you? I don't know if I can love her enough for both of us and I don't know if she'll let me."

I shuddered, as close to breaking down as I'd been since the accident. I took a couple more deep breaths.

"I love you... I love you as much as I love Renee. I only hope that your parents will understand that some day. I know they didn't approve and... I wanted... I wanted to have kids with you, have a regular relationship with you... Hell, I wanted to have kids with Renee too, but she always said she wasn't ready... It's not like the kids would have cared that they had two mothers and one father... I know I never told you that. I guess I figured you knew or... I know you'd have been a great mom. I know Renee would have adored them as well..." I was silent for a long time, staring at her as the machines continued to breathe for her. Finally, I realized I had very little left to say. "Vaya con Dios, my lover... my love..." As I finished, I felt the tears start and buried my face in my hands.

Justin and Alicia wanted to take Stacy's body back to upstate New York for burial. Apparently there was a family plot there and Stacy was to be interred next to her grandparents. I wasn't happy about this, wanting to raise a memorial in the back part of our property, but in the end I realized I had no say in the matter. I was just the guy who was married to her best girlfriend.

It took a few days for the hospital to release Stacy's body, but in the end she was flown out to New York with her parents. It took a few weeks to arrange for the funeral and since that was running up against the end of her vacation, Renee called her boss and arranged for an extra couple of weeks off while I made arrangements for our flight out. Fortunately, Tori was able to travel by the time the funeral came, although she would be in a wheelchair for the next few weeks while her pelvis finished healing. Knowing she was looking at several weeks of physical therapy after she finally got out of the wheelchair, I had offered to let her stay at our house. It would be easy enough to convert the den to a bedroom for her and Renee would be there to help her for a week or so. She said she'd think about it, and was planning to use the trip as a dry run. I made arrangements for the three of us to have a hotel room near the cemetery.