Chapter 37: A Walk in the Past (1)

On the way to Kathy's flat, I was mentally compiling a list, but decided to postpone my shopping until tomorrow. Sarah would be at the hospital working, and Kathy and Mark would probably be spending time together, thus I didn't want to be a third wheel. When I arrived, I immediately wrote up the list I had worked out, so I wouldn't forget something. Then I picked up the novel I was reading, and settled into the couch. However, after a few pages, my mind started to wander, and I couldn't focus on the book. I went to the kitchen and prepared a cup of coffee.

After the talk with Mom, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that my mind would be busy with the revelations about Mom, Dad, and Kathy. I was still reeling from what I learned. My thoughts kept drifting back to that summer. Mom's comments about how I had changed told me she hadn't forgotten, and I wondered whether she would ever understand what had happened then. To tell the truth, I didn't understand it myself, why it happened. The thing was, I never expected something like that to happen; I had always been careful, especially not to get involved with a girl from the neighborhood. It just happened. Even when I realized I was falling for Rei, at the time, I tried desperately to control my feelings, and resist it, but in the end, I hadn't been able to help myself. I just couldn't. I felt as if I had been caught in a whirlwind. Perhaps, I hadn't been ready for something like that. Maybe that's why it happened.

As I pondered these questions, my mind went back in time, taking a stroll among the memories...

It was late afternoon, past 5:30, and Gil, Rei and I were sitting on the balcony of my flat. We had had a good tea party, but the last half hour had been somewhat tense. I suspected the girls had felt the change in the atmosphere, and in my mood. My replies had been shorter and shorter, consisting of monosyllable answers, with a 'hmm, ' or 'yeah, ' or similar thrown in for variety, eventually giving way to just a silent nod, or other facial expressions.

I was pre-occupied with thoughts of the last few days. Things seemed to have deteriorated between Rei and me, following the talk I had with her about my plans.

Was it only three days ago?

She seemed to avoid me, sort of. I couldn't get a hold of her alone, away from the crowd. The only chances to get together with her were when we were in a group. It wasn't something very obvious, but I could sense a bit of distance, and I just couldn't figure out the sudden change. Worse, I was running out of time. My parents and Kathy would be arriving in a few days, which would complicate my relationship with Rei. Perhaps, that was why I had had that talk with her, rushing it, but I couldn't remember saying something that would hurt her.

Lost in those thoughts, I was listening to both girls with half an ear, trying to come to terms with the way things have been going the last few days, now that Rei was nearby. Despite the fact that Rei was there without a crowd, I was feeling tense. Perhaps there was a bit of resentment at Gil's presence mixed in that tenseness, but at the same time, I was wondering whether Rei would have visited me if it wasn't for Gil's insistence-in fact, I believe it was Gil who probably dragged Rei for tea at my place, and I kept reminding myself to be nice to Gil.

Did Rei arrange it? But why should she? She'd been trying to avoid me...

However, mixed in all that was the feeling that all my worst dreams seem to be coming true, and each time the possibility of losing Rei came to pass by, I could feel the stirring of a storm inside me. I was hoping for another chance to be alone with her so I could ask what was wrong, but I knew it was futile to think my prayers would be answered.

In a short while both girls would leave... the clock would finish another round... the arrival of my parents would draw another hour closer...

I sighed with resignation at the thought, and looked away. I saw Gil's mother come out of their flat. She stood in front of their door in the opposite apartment block, and waved to us, signaling the end of our tea party. I turned to Gil, and said, "Gil, your mother."

She turned to look, and her mother tapped her wrist in an exaggerated manner. She was calling her home. Gil raised her hand with all the fingers stretched, asking for a few minutes extra, and her mother nodded, before going back inside.

"Sometimes, she drives me nuts. She doesn't need me to help her; dinner is almost two hours away, and yet she calls me," Gil complained.

"Well, that's what mothers are for. To drive us crazy, to remind us they're running the show," I quipped; the longest thing I had said in the last half hour.

"Whose side are you on?" she retorted with an irritated tone.

"I don't know, Gil," I replied distractedly. My mind was still far away, and I wasn't sure if I was anywhere close by either. "Sometimes, I wonder if I'm even on my side," I added, getting a puzzled look from both girls.

"Whatever," Gil huffed. "I hate to leave the clean up to you, but I gotta go."

Her tone brought me back to present, and I replied, "It's OK, Gil. I can handle it."

She turned to Rei, and asked, "Are you coming?"

I was expecting her to leave as well, now that Gil was going. She stood up, but to my surprise, she said, "I'll help Mitch clean up, before I leave," and started collecting the plates.

Gil thanked her and quickly left us. As Rei went inside with the plates, I collected the cups, and followed her, closing the screen door behind me. Briefly, my heart soared to have my prayers answered, before it gave way to anxiety. I didn't know how to broach the subject, and I was scared of pushing Rei further and further away. She was by the sink, filling it up with hot water. I brought the cups, and stacked them to the side of the plates, and said, "I'll wash and you dry?"

Without a word, she nodded, and moved to the side, while taking one of the kitchen towels. In silence, I started to wash the dishes, passing them to Rei, who dried them. When I finished washing all the dirty dishes, I pulled the stopper to drain the sink. Rei was putting the plates and the cups back into the cupboard. We both seemed to hang around there, trying to look busy with something, as the silence dragged on, and in the end we couldn't find anything else to do. Almost at the same time we turned to look each other.

"Thank you, Rei," I said, unable to find something else to say.

She smiled warmly, but it was a hesitant smile, and I tried to gather my failing courage. She noticed me taking a deep breath, and her eyes darkened. She crossed her arms, but stayed at her spot. That was all it took for me to drop the idea of having another talk. Letting my breath out, I turned and reached for my cigarettes on the dining table behind me. I offered a cigarette to Rei, but she refused, so I lit one for myself, while thinking about what to do. After her defensive posture, I was scared. I was hoping she would say something, to break the silence, and inside, I cursed myself.

You, son of a bitch. You don't have the balls to talk to her, do you? What if she wants you to talk to her?

After only two drags, I put out my cigarette, coming to a decision. "What's happening, Rei?"

I could feel a lump form at the back of my throat, as I waited for her response.

That's it! I've done it, and the ax will fall!

"What do you mean, Mitch?" she asked with a flat tone.

"I got the feeling you were avoiding me, the last few days. Or am I mistaken?"

Please say, "no!"

"What gave you the idea, Mitch?"

She seemed to be evading my questions, and that scared me more, because it was a confirmation of my fears.

"Did I do something wrong, Rei?" I asked, moving along instead of dwelling on my earlier question.

"No, you didn't. Why do you ask?"

God dammit! Why don't you give me an answer? That's the least you can do, can't you?

It wasn't exactly anger but resentment; my fears giving voice to my frustration. I realized the time to beat around the bush had passed. If I didn't ask the question now, I would never have the courage. I suspected I would lose her respect, as well as my own self-respect.

"Rei. You know how I feel about you, even though I didn't say it before in so many wo-"

She cut me off with, "Please, don't."

I hesitated, unsure about her reaction, however I wanted to finish what I had started. "Don't what, Rei?" I asked gently. "Don't talk to you? Don't love you? Don't fall in-love with you? What?"

She didn't answer, but her eyes got moist. Then, in a tone barely above a whisper, she said, "Don't do this to us."

The 'us' caught my attention immediately, and for a moment it heartened me, before I wondered what she meant by 'us.' More than that however, I wanted to know if her 'us' was the same as my 'us, ' and where that 'us' was headed to.

"Rei, please. I'm trying to figure out what 'us' means, and where we're headed. I love you. I have fallen in love with you. I want to kno-"

As I said those words, she was already moving to me. Before I could finish what I wanted to say, she put her finger on my lips, shushing me. Her eyes locked into mine, and I could see a storm brewing there. Without any hesitation, she clutched my neck with her hand and pulled me down for a kiss. After the kiss, she rested her head on my shoulder, and whispered, "I know, Mitch."

My arms wrapped around her, almost instinctively, and I held her in a tight embrace, as she held onto me. Maybe I should have let it go then and there, but with her in my arms, and not knowing what the future held for us, and unsure of what Rei was thinking, I forged ahead.

"If I could, I would propose to you right this moment, Rei. But as I told you before, I have a year of school, then the military, and then I have to get a job. Don't you think I wish things were different, that I didn't have all those obstacles in front of me? I want to offer you something much better than what I can now. I just don't want to lose you. I love you. Very much. Can you understand that? I want to know how you feel."

Slowly, she extricated herself, and pulled back. "You're a good friend. The best I ever had... ever will have. Please, don't. I... I can't..."

"Why don't you talk to me, Rei?"

She took another step back. Her eyes darkened more, and her lips were trembling.

Oh, God! I did it. I really screwed it up this time! No. Please, no! Somebody, please tell me this isn't happening!

"Please, Mitch. We have a good thing," she pleaded.

"What do we ha-" I stopped, before changing my question. "How long do we have, Rei? Do we have an 'us' a year from now?" I insisted.

Instead of answering, she turned to leave.

"Rei!" I yelled gently after her. "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

She stopped, and turned to face me, but kept averting her eyes. "Mitch, I... I love you... but as a friend," she said, however her eyes never met mine, as she was saying those words.

"Can you repeat that, please?"

After a long silence, her eyes returned to my face, and they were brimming with tears. She said, "I need to go," and she turned on her heels, and left the living room, before I could say another word. Collecting myself, I ran after her, and caught her in the hallway.

"Rei, tell me that you don't love me," I insisted, as I put my hand gently on her shoulder.

Without turning, she pleaded, "Please, Mitch. Let me go," but made no move, until I took my hand off her shoulder. Then she walked to the door, quietly, and opened the screen door. "I... I need to think," she said, before closing it behind her.

I saw her look inside the hallway through the mesh, and I barely made out the wetness on her cheeks. Then she turned and walked away. I listened to her footsteps, as she walked down the stairs, until they faded away, before I moved to the door to lock the screen. I went back to the living room, hardly feeling the floor under my feet. Seeing the half-smoked cigarette I left in the ashtray, I lit it with shaking hands, feeling completely disjointed. I stood there trying to understand what had just happened.

Is this the end?

I could hardly contemplate the question. I walked past the kitchen, and stared out, from behind the balcony screen. A short while later, I saw her climb the stairs to the top floor, to her flat, open the screen, unlock her door, walk in, and close both the screen and the door. I stood there-for how long I don't know-replaying her moves, from the moment she climbed the stairs, till she disappeared from my sight; over and over...

As my mind finished playing the scene, I had the taste of ashes in my mouth. Slowly I emerged from the past, and took a sip from my coffee, but it was cold, and tasted awful. I took the cup to the sink, and dumped the old coffee, and washed the cup, trying to keep myself occupied with that simple act, but as usual it didn't help much. I hadn't thought about the past for a long time; I had tried to put my demons at rest, but now, in the last few days, since I tried to read my diary, they kept visiting me. I was a bit worried about their frequency; especially, with the dinner tonight, the trip to Dana's tomorrow, and our upcoming vacation.

Going to the living room, I put on the TV, channel surfed for a while, and caught the news. After a while I got bored, and decided to get ready to go to Sarah's. Going through my clothes, I tried to decide what to wear, which helped take my mind off my trip through the past and the questions that seemed to crowd in, to some extent. I settled for a dark blue suit. The jacket was double breasted, and I knew I looked good in it. A pale blue shirt and a pastel yellow tie with some blue and red in it completed my attire. Satisfied with my choices, I collected my toiletries, and other articles, and put them in the overnight bag Kathy had given me. I put the suit and the shirt in a garment bag, and drove to Sarah's.

When I arrived at her flat, Sarah was already busy preparing her suitcase. She mentioned that Dana had called, and told her that she would be taking a cab from the airport when she arrived. When I asked what time she would be coming, Sarah told me she might be here as early as seven, depending on the traffic. While she was busy selecting clothes, she asked if she should take an evening gown with her, in case we went out while we were visiting Dana. I told her to take the dress she had worn when we were out the previous Sunday night-the dress that displayed her tits. Of course, my choice brought on a tittering from her.

With a shrug, I said, "It looked beautiful on you."

"You mean you enjoy looking at my tits," she retorted.

"Well, you have beautiful tits, but they're not the only thing that is beautiful about you."

"Thank you. I'll see what I can do for you. I was thinking of taking another dress. I think you'll like it," she said. Opening her wardrobe she went through some dresses, and took out a dark evening gown. Holding it up, she waited expectantly for my approval.

"Ummm... Can you put it on? I'd like to see how it looks on you."

Taking off her jeans and shirt, she put on the dress, then twirled around. It had a good bit of décolletage, somewhat more conservative than her other dress, but allowing for a good view of her cleavage. However, except for strategic parts, the material was almost translucent, which became obvious when she moved under the ceiling light. Around the bustier and the hips, the material was darker colored, but the rest of the material was the color of smoke, translucent. I could see her belly button, easily, and even make out the nipples.

I let out a low whistle. "I think you'll be arrested for indecent exposure."

"If they put us in the same cell, I wouldn't mind it," she responded with a straight face, but her eyes were alight with amusement.

"Nor would I," I was quick to reply. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep my hands off you. You can't wear any underwear with that can you?"

"I have a G-string that goes with it," she replied with a smirk.

"You think that would be enough?" I teased back.

"When you're around nothing is enough, but... it would be a nice challenge. I'm getting better at controlling myself," she replied. Her tone was more serious, and I didn't know what to make of her reply. After a momentary pause, she smiled, and said, "Don't look so concerned, Mitch. It was a joke, sort of. I'm getting used to being around you, and don't get worked up all the time."

"How... How come?" I blurted.

"It's been a while since I felt like that about somebody. And we have a history. I still lust for you, even though I'm over the worst of my hunger. I guess Dana made it easier to deal with my craving for you. But, you still really work me up at times. I'm not saying you're doing something to bring that about, although you do that when we're having fun. No, I'm talking about other times, like when I had to give you the massage, or..."