Chapter 26: Friends and Lovers

When we arrived at Sarah's place it was getting close to midnight. Since I didn't know what the plans were, I took the shopping bags from the trunk. Perhaps, Dana and I would go to her hotel, as it was getting late and a chance encounter with Reina was minimal, but I knew we all needed to talk about certain things.

In the living room, Sarah took the bags and put them in a corner. After kicking her shoes off, she put on the heater, asking us if we'd like some wine. Dana followed Sarah to help with the glasses, and a few minutes later they returned. We sat on the couches, trying to relax, but there was a bit of tenseness. I wondered about what Dana and Sarah had talked about in the restaurant.

Sarah put on the stereo, and with a quick glance at Dana, she said, "I'd like to take a shower and change into something comfortable," before she left the living room.

I turned my attention to Dana, and she responded with, "Yes, this was pre-arranged, Mitch. I needed to talk about something, and Sarah was kind enough to offer us some privacy."

"I gathered as much."

Taking a deep breath, Dana relaxed into the couch, then started. "I told you this afternoon, it would be better to have an open relationship. After meeting Sarah and getting to know her a little bit, I believe that's the best course of action. However, there's a little catch."

"A little catch?"

"I can't, in good conscious, let her be a second league player, if you get my drift," she said giving me a significant look. "She's too good for that, and it's not fair."

"I understand, Dana, but what about your feelings, what about us? Don't misunderstand me, I agree with your point to a certain degree, but..."

"The thing is, Mitch, I haven't put a claim on you, and I'm not planning to do so in the near future. We discussed that, right?"

I nodded.

"If I can't put a claim on you, how can I say I want to share you with somebody? Sharing implies ownership, a claim."

"That is... that is semantics, Dana," I objected.

"Perhaps, but I want you to think about it seriously. You and I have something, an emotional bond. So, in terms of that bond, inviting Sarah into our relationship might be called sharing you, but I want to move away from that term; sharing and the implied claim. Do you understand?"

"Is that wise?"

"I don't know, honey. I really don't know. It just feels right. We both have to find out what we really feel about each other. I still have to figure out my feelings for you and for my boyfriend, as you have to about your women. We need time. But we can't live in a limbo, without feelings, without love, without companionship." With a sigh, she finished and looked in my eyes, waiting for a response.

"Dana, I understand. I know I'm of no use to any woman, without knowing what I want, who I want, why I want. You're right on that. I... I didn't want to turn your life upside down after we made love. And now, this! This might cause more problems. That's why I'm reluctant."

"We can run away from it, but that's not the solution, Mitch. I know you might fall for Sarah, or choose Reina, but that was always in the cards. Maybe I will fall in love with my boyfriend. You can't avoid it. We can't avoid it. And, it's not fair to people in our lives, like Sarah. We can't expect them to participate and impose limits on how far they can participate."

I knew she was right, especially on the last point; that's why I didn't want to open up the relationship. But then, we wouldn't know what we felt for each other and for other people.

"Dana, what about your boyfriend? You need to talk to him also. This might sour your relationship with him."

"I haven't had a chance to talk to him. To tell the truth, I was trying to sort out my feelings for you and for him. The situation with Sarah made me think about quite a few things. I'm not going to postpone my talk with him."

"Do you know how he will react?" I asked. I was concerned, because most men didn't take kindly to things like this, as most women.

"I don't know, but that's not important. It's not fair to him."

"I understand, but-"

"I knew what I was getting myself into when I slept with you. It was my decision. You told me how it happened with Sarah, how it was your decision. You faced the consequences. It's not different than what I did," she replied.

"I hear what you're saying, but I feel responsible for what's happened between us, what's happening between us. I didn't want to-"

But, before I could finish what I wanted to say, she cut me off. "Mitch, we can't evade some things. Sometimes life happens, you know." Then, with a softer tone, she added, "Please keep something in mind, sweetie. If at any point in a relationship, you feel obligated to be with someone, don't! It kills the love, and friendship, and everything. That applies to our relationship, as well. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I had to ponder it a short time before I thought I understood what she was getting at.

"You're talking about resentment? Little irritating things piling up on top of each other over time, poisoning the whole relationship, and turning the love into something ugly?"

She nodded. "That's what happens. I lived it and I saw it happen to other people. I would hate to see what we have is turned into something ugly."

"You gave this quite a bit of thought, didn't you?"

"Yes. I was busy thinking about it since the talk we had in the mall. After meeting Sarah, I changed my mind. It's different when you don't know the person, you don't put a face to the person. I realized I was treating her like an object, some toy for you to while away your time. I'm sorry."

"Apology is not accepted," I replied quickly. "Dana, you won't do something like that. I understand you're trying to make a point, but I don't appreciate the way you're doing it."

With a sardonic, almost contrite smile, she replied, "Thank you, sweetie, I know what you mean, but... I guess I was being hard on myself. I felt guilty after meeting Sarah. Can you understand that?"

"That, I can. You're really serious about Sarah, aren't you?"

"I am. It's not just because you want her or that she wants you, and we are still at the start of a relationship. We covered those things at the mall." Giving me a resolute look, she pointedly said, "You also need to date women your age, Mitch."

"WHAT!" I was stunned. I had never figured Dana for somebody who would be concerned about a bit of age difference. "You're joking, right?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer I might be getting, but... I was determined to fight the issue. I just couldn't believe she would...

"Mitch, this is no joke. I'm older than you."

"You make it sound as if you're robbing the cradle. It's just a few years. That's not a good enough reason. You don't even look your age. What are you talking about?"

"I'm 32, you're 25. That's seven years. I know it's not a lot, but it's pretty significant and is the opposite of the norms. Usually it's older man and younger girls."

"As I said. It doesn't count! Not from my point of view."

"You're going to be stubborn about this, aren't you?" she asked with an amused, but serious tone.

"I know what I see when I look at you. Does that answer your question?" I replied, with a dead serious tone.

Hearing my tone, she gave a resigned sigh. Collecting herself, she replied, "I got it. You don't have to beat it into my head," smiling.

"Then don't make me," I came back, seriously, and there wasn't much amusement in my voice... just a tiny, little bit to lighten the atmosphere.

For a while, she was quiet, thinking something, while sipping her wine.

"We talked a bit about you and about ourselves, at the restaurant," she opened up. "She's a lot of woman," she said, making me smile. I remembered Kathy's words. Seeing my reaction, she arched an eyebrow, questioning.

"Kathy said the same thing. She mentioned you might recognize it."

"Your sister is really something." Returning back to the subject, she asked, "You knew about Sarah?"

"I had my suspicions before Kathy mentioned it, but she was wrong about something. Kathy said Sarah doesn't know how much a woman she is. I think she knows it. She just chooses not to," I replied.

"I agree. Is that why you're afraid of picking up something with her?"

I wasn't surprised at all with her question. I would have been surprised if she hadn't asked that particular question.

"Yes, it's one of the reasons."

"You have more?"

"You were right when you said it's not fair to invite her and then put on limits. There's another angle; my past. You're the only one who knows about it, and you're aware of my murky future. I'm already feeling guilty about moving into your life without making any commitments-No! Please let me finish-I know that you have a say in the matter. But, whether it's your choice or not, it still makes me uncomfortable to move into your life the way I did, I do. I understand what you said before, what we discussed. I love you, Dana, and as you said, we can't live in a limbo. I... I know I can't continue as I did in the past, without companionship, or friendship... half dead to the world. But, I am what I am, and despite the rational, and the understanding, I still can't help feeling some guilt about what we have between us," I said, and waited for her reaction. She looked like she was going to respond, perhaps to reassure me, but after a moment she gave a short nod, indicating I should continue.

I'm used to my old life style. I can return to it. Maybe that's the best, but... but, I love you, Dana. You reminded me, remind me... there are better things in life. And I want to find out... I want to find them out with you.

I'm scared... Sometimes, I'm really scared what might happen to us. I... I just don't want you to be around... if things don't work out. I don't want anybody around when... if... something happens. I can't bear the thought of...

With an effort, I pulled my thoughts from the darker places they were wandering to. I tried to recall what I wanted to tell her, and concentrated on the subject at hand.

"Back to Sarah. You know about my past, but Sarah doesn't. She figured out some things, but she doesn't really know anything, and if we invite her into our relationship, she has to be made aware of the situation."

"And you don't want to do that?" she asked. "Why, Mitch? What do you have to hide from Sarah if she gets involved with us? Or for that matter, why do you keep it a secret from Kathy?"

"Because, Kathy knows or at least has seen part of my hurt. I shut her out of my life for a long time. She said so, and even though I didn't agree with her, I know that's what I did to a large extent. More or less with everybody. I had this emptiness, and I didn't know what to do about it, so I filled it with anger. Anger at myself. You know about it."

"I remember... blaming yourself for failing to help Reina," she replied, and waited patiently for me to continue.

"Yes. The thing is, I didn't want to cause more pain to people around me. So, I went away, until I could learn how to deal with things. I haven't learned it, yet. I know, being away hurt people, but I think it was better than if they saw me the way I was day in and day out. It would have hurt them worse, and I wasn't in any condition to be able to deal with that. Maybe I was being egotistical, maybe I was lost in self-pity. I just know the extra guilt would have destroyed me."

Collecting my thoughts, I continued. "I don't know what I feel for Reina. Well, I know I still carry something, I just don't know what it is." For a moment, I felt embarrassed to talk about Reina, admitting my confusion and mixed feelings, but when her expression didn't change, and she gave a sympathetic, and understanding nod, I got over my momentary anxiety. Partly. "But, in the meantime, I put people through hell... sort of-"

She gently cut me off. "Mitch? Are you still afraid of... putting people through hell? Is that why you're feeling guilty, about us or other people?"

I pondered how to answer her. Yes, I was scared of what might happen. To a large extent that was what frightened me. I wasn't sure what would happen, but... I just didn't have any answers; only questions... and more questions. I wanted answers... an answer... something... anything! Unfortunately, all I had was questions.

"I-I think so. I don't know, Dana. I... I really don't know. I know that I love you. It's been a long time since I... I felt like this. I want you as a lover, as a friend, as a companion. But, things happened too quickly. It's too much of a..."

"Change?" she asked softly, while I was searching for words.

I nodded. "I still remember what you said at the hotel, Dana. We all have to make our own decisions, and we can't always protect the people we love. I understand that, and I'm trying to get used to the idea. It's just-"

"Mitch! It's all right. I mean it. We have the time, and we'll talk about it. Don't rush into it, OK? We have the time," she said, giving me a soft look. "Let's get back to Sarah and Kathy," she prompted, directing us back to the subject.

"Kathy... well... she saw parts of what happened that summer, and how I changed. I think she blames Reina, from what little she had seen and figured out. Now, she probably thinks I'm getting over it, that the past is finally dead. I don't know how she'll react to what's going on. I don't know what I'm going to do. If I ever decide to talk with Reina, I don't know how that will go, and how Kathy will react. And you know the other one. You warned me about it..."

"If Reina gets hurt, things go bad, you'll destroy yourself with guilt, and you worry about Kathy and others who care about you," she said softy.

"That sums it up. I used Kathy as an example, but add yourself and Sarah to the list."

"I don't have to add myself to the list, Mitch. Sarah might be another matter," Dana responded.

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't think you'll destroy yourself, even if things go bad. When we talked, I thought that was a possibility. But, you opened your heart, Mitch. You can still love. I've felt it, and you know it. There are those that love you. You'll survive, because you know how to love. That's what I believe now," she said with conviction.

"Probably. I... I don't know. It's sometimes difficult. Do you understand?"

"I know, honey, but you're doing a better job of it. You may not believe that, but from outside it's easier to see. Trust me on that, will you?" she said. After a pause, she continued. "I know Sarah and Kathy are very close. Do you think she will share your past with Kathy?"

I took a moment to think about what I'd come to know about Sarah.

"Hard to say. I think Sarah will keep it a secret. As much as Kathy is protective of Sarah, Sarah is the same way. She just doesn't show it outwardly as much. I think... I think she enjoys the attention from Kathy... and perhaps, she feeds her protective instincts. I suspect Sarah isn't doing that because... because she needs to, but... more to... to keep Kathy busy... I think. It's... it's really a strange relationship if you think about it," I said, while going over my impressions of what I had seen of both girls, and the older memories when Sarah was a frequent visitor, almost a semi-permanent fixture in our home.

Dana let out a bright laugh, surprising me with her reaction. I wasn't trying to be funny at all.

Seeing my befuddled expression, she said, "You're very endearing, you know that?"

"Endearing? In what way?"

"I don't know much about Kathy and Sarah, but from what I've seen of them I agree with your description. I was observing them carefully, and their interaction is subtle. When you gave your description the little things made sense. I'm pretty sure you're correct. You're good, Mitch. Getting better and better, but you don't realize how good you are. That's what's endearing."

"It must have been one of my rare occasions," I retorted, with a wry grin.

"We'll discuss that later," Dana replied with a disapproving tone. "Based on what you said, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't talk with Sarah, about the past and Reina."

"I... I don't know exactly why. I just don't want to burden people."

"Mitch, if a loved one offers help, or wants to listen to your troubles, it's not a burden. You don't ask for help frequently, do you? Always the independent, the self sufficient one?"

I didn't even think about it. I knew she was right. I had always been independent, relying on my own resources. More so in the later years.

Before I could respond, she added, "In hind sight, I'm surprised you accepted my help at the airport. Now, I can see how it could have turned out. You could have walked away."

"I guess... I don't know. What happened in the airport seems... so far away... light years away, now. I know I felt lost and directionless. For the first time in my life, I was lost. I think you saw or felt that."

"Partly, yes. You don't know it, but I watched you for at least ten minutes before deciding to approach you. I just waited and waited to see when you'll make a move, or collapse, or... When that didn't happen, I made up my mind. With what I had seen in the plane and later in the crew lounge, I knew something had happened, something bad. It wasn't difficult to connect the dots. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it was scary. I couldn't see any sign of life, the way you were standing there."

We were quite for a minute or so. Taking a sip from my glass, I turned the subject to Sarah. "What did you two talk about? There seems to be an agenda."

"There isn't an agenda. She wants you as a partner. I know that, but I don't think she realizes why she wants you. She said it was lust, a physical attraction, and that you were a skilled bed partner... You're right about one thing. She's a lot of woman, and she might fall in love with you. Something's holding her back. I'm not sure if she's holding back because of our relationship, or because she wants to keep it casual."

"You don't have any problems with that?"

"I have, because I feel something for you. I just can't hold it against her. This is the strangest thing I've ever felt. I just can't. She mentioned borrowing you. We talked about it in those terms, but it just isn't right."

"Then why did you invite her in?"

"Sweetie, we've already discussed it."

"Yes, we did, but you also said I don't have to jump her bones. You talk as if I should."

"Do I? Perhaps. It's difficult to put it in words... Mitch, I'm not doing this because I feel I should, or because I feel obliged to, thinking it would make you happy, or because it's the right way to do it. That will quickly sour our relationship."

"I do hope that's not the reason. Not after what you said about how relationships could be poisoned by things."

"Good, so we agree on that. And we're not in a committed relationship yet, Mitch. You also need the time... to adjust. We both know it. Please trust me, honey, I understand, OK? Otherwise I wouldn't be here," she said, gently. When I nodded for her to continue, she was quiet, as if trying to collect her thoughts. "At the mall, you admitted to having some... residual lust," she said, with a soft smile. "Tell me honestly. Do you want her?"

That wasn't an easy question. To a degree I wanted her, especially after that experience we had. But, I wanted to give her more than that casual, friendly fun. I just didn't know why? I didn't know what I felt for her, why I felt for her, except that I loved... I loved something in her.

When I didn't answer, Dana asked, "It's not such a difficult question, is it?"

"It is, Dana."

"OK! Then answer this question. Do you want me?" she asked.

"Yes, I want you," I replied without any hesitation.

"How much do you want me?"

"A lot."

"Do you want Sarah?" she asked again.

"I... What are you trying to do?"

"I'm not trying to do anything. You're able to answer one question, and not the other, why is that?" she asked.

"I don't know, Dana. I know you're trying to make a point or say something, but I don't get it."

With a sigh, she said, "You'll get my point, if you give an answer, without thinking or worrying about what I think or feel about your answer. Now, can you please try to answer the question, without any reservations?"

"I... I want her," I replied softly, with resignation, feeling guilty with my answer, but she deserved the truth.

She stood up and walked to me, then sitting down on the armrest of the couch, she leaned and kissed me. Looking in my eyes, she asked, "Why don't you take her? She wants you to do just that."

"It doesn't feel right. I don't want to use her. I want to give her more than that," I replied, without even thinking about my answer.

"Like you did... with me?" she asked.

As she was asking that question, she gave such a warm smile that it almost felt like sun was shining on my face. I was surprised by her question and her smile, but then, I realized, she was making a point. I thought back to our first time. That was how it had started with Dana. It was supposed to be a happy making, a gift, but... it turned into something else.

When my eyes met hers, she leaned and kissed me affectionately. "I know, Mitch. You can't help yourself. With some women, you'd want to give more. I guess that's the way you are. I'm glad you're like that."

"I don't even know why I feel like that. How can you?"

"Because, I felt it that morning. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. I thought it was because of the hurt we both had had in our lives, that we had a sort of a common bond. I think, it wasn't... only that. Call it intuition or a sense of... something... but I believe, it was more than that."

"I see... And you still want me to be with her. Why is that?"

"Because, I think you have enough heart for both of us. That's why I'm not jealous. And you made me think about something else. I want to learn how much of a heart I have," she said pointedly.

"I think you have a big enough heart not to worry about something like that. What you're trying to do is proof enough," I replied.

"Thank you, honey," she said. Then, she kissed me gently, before she continued. "So, you understand how much I've thought about this, and how my feelings have changed about the whole thing. Do we agree on inviting her into our relationship?"

I pulled her for a long kiss, before agreeing with her.

After the kiss, she sat up, and said, "We need to talk to her, because she doesn't know much about what we discussed, and what I wanted to talk about with you. She hopes to borrow you. If she wants to keep it casual, that's her choice, but I won't hold either of you to that. I don't think she or you have to hold yourselves back. Mitch, I don't want to repeat it again, but I feel very strongly about this. Do you understand? I meant what I said. Instead of making our lives rich and happy, things will start to sour."

"I understand, Dana. There are always doubts at the back of our minds about the motivations of people, and talking, communicating, is the only way to get past the doubts."

"As long as we do that, we will solve the problems. You're going to talk to her about Reina, aren't you?"