Part 10: Snow Friday and the Seven Perverts

Once upon a time, gentle reader, in a land far away and a long time ago there lived a Wicked Queen. [Well actually she wasn't really wicked, just misunderstood.] The Wicked Queen Gina Marie [Look I said she wasn't really wicked - she wears fluffy bunny slippers fer chrissakes - how wicked can someone, who wears fluffy bunny slippers, be?] had a young and fabulously attractive stepdaughter called Snow Friday.

Now all was fine while Snow Friday was a young girl. Each day the Queen would sit in front of her dressing table mirror and issue the following question,

"Mirror, mirror on my table, Who is the sexiest in this fable?"

To which the invariable reply was,

"Without a doubt oh fairest queen, Thou art the sexiest there's ever been!"

At which the Wicked Queen, would smile and rise from the dressing table secure in the knowledge that she was the sexiest Queen throughout Fairytaleland, and so things remained until Snow Friday began to blossom as she reached that stage of development known as young princesshood. This is the stage that only fairytale princesses ever experience and is characterised by a complete absence of spots, pustules or any form of acne that is so much more common amongst non-princesses.

And thus it was that one morning the Wicked Queen issued her customary question, "Mirror, mirror on my table, who is the sexiest in this fable?" and sat back to await the customary affirmation of her sexiness,

"I'm tired of this."

"Excuse me, I didn't ask how you were feeling, I asked who was the sexiest."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"What's this fixation that you have with being the sexiest."

"That's what Wicked Queens do."

"You don't look too wicked to me; how wicked can you be wearing fluffy-bunny slippers?" [See I told ya!]

"Can we have less of the criticism of my style of footwear and more of the judgement on who is the sexiest in Fairyland please?"

"Are you sure you want to know who is the sexiest? I'm a magic mirror; I can answer many questions, but all I ever get asked is 'Who's the sexiest?' it gets very samey after several hundred years I can tell you!"

"If I didn't want to know I wouldn't've asked."

"You ask every day, I think you have an inferiority complex; have you thought of counselling?"

"Are you gonna answer the question or do I have to fetch my hammer?"

"You aren't going to like the answer."

"Why aren't I going to like it?"

"I can tell you what the weather is going to be like tomorrow."

"Answer the question."

"Cloudy to start with, then light summer showers at first, giving way to sunny spells later..."

"Right that's it! Where's that hammer?"

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you but you really won't like it."

"Just tell me."

"Just remember I'm only the messenger, if you break me, it's seventy seven years bad luck."

"I thought it was seven years."

"I'm a magic mirror, and not any old magic mirror at that. Seventy seven is what I said and seventy seven is what you'll get!"

"I don't believe you!"

"You can believe me or not, but you have to ask yourself, 'do you feel lucky?'"

"Answer me now."

"Just remember the bad luck."

The queen started to rummage around in the dressing table drawer and withdrew, triumphantly, a small hammer. The mirror surface seemed to shimmer.

"Without a doubt, oh my fair queen, Snow Friday is the sexiest I've ever seen!"

"Now that, apart from being the worst piece of doggerel I've ever heard, is complete crap! I'm the sexiest around here!"

"See I told you that you wouldn't like the answer. I've never claimed to be a poet, but I know who's the sexiest in the place and it ain't you! And don't even think of breaking me, 'cause that'll bring you seven hundred and seventy seven years of bad luck!"

"You said seventy seven just now."

"Maybe I lied. Anyway what's an extra seven between friends?"

"If you were my friend you'd have lied to me about being the sexiest, how would I know?"

"Errr... well..."

"You have been lying, haven't you?"

"Well it was only couple of years..."

The queen waved the hammer threateningly.

"... seven thousand seven hundred..."

"You just keep adding sevens don't you?"

"So would you, if you were a magic mirror and a disgruntled customer was waving a hammer around."

The Wicked Queen slumped in her seat in despair, if she wasn't the sexiest how could she remain Queen? [Look I told you she wasn't really wicked - she just has some self-esteem issues.] She wailed at the mirror.

"What am I going to do now?"

"I'm a magic mirror not a bloody agony aunt! First you want to smash me to smithereens, and now you want me to solve all your problems. Sheeesh!"

The mirror subsided into a wounded silence and refused the Queen's entreaties for advice or solace, though occasionally it would deign to reply.

"I refer the Queen to the answer that I gave earlier."

After a fruitless half hour of this the Wicked Queen left her dressing room and sat by the window staring out at the forested hills in the distance and then the glimmer of an idea came to her. Further cogitation followed and a plan was formed; finally she reached a decision and rang the bell to summon her Trusty Manservant.

Very quickly the Trusty Manservant arrived.

"Oh there you are Scipio! Do me a great service will you and get rid of Snow Friday? Any time within the next couple of hours will be fine." Subtle, the Wicked Queen was not.

"Shouldn't you be using a few more circumlocutions, My Queen?"

"We could... but this way you get more time to spend with that lusty serving wench that you been making time with - Ali isn't it? And I get more time to daydream about what I will do when, once more, I'm the sexiest around!" The queen examined her slippers, admiring the cute bunny ears and the little white bob-tale on the heel. [See I told you she was wearing bunny-slippers! Perhaps you'll believe me next time? Yes I have already gloated, but always take an opportunity to gloat, that's what I always say.]

"As you say My Queen. Do you have a preferred method of 'disposal'?"

"Perhaps you'd like to take her to the Old Forest and see what develops from there?"

"Your wish is my command, My Queen." And so saying the Trusty Manservant backed out of the room, bowing as he did so. It didn't do to annoy her when she was in this sort of mood. Since the King had left on one of his periodic crusades she had been unpredictable at best. Mulling over these thoughts the Trusty Manservant made his way to Snow Friday's apartments in the other wing of the palace. [Why do buildings have wings? Do they fly? Can you eat them? No! Ergo they're not wings they're... Oh all right I'll stop rambling. Anyway he's about to disturb Friday and put his nefarious plan into action] The Trusty Manservant paused at the door to Snow Friday's apartment and raised his hand to knock on the door. The faint but distinct sounds of someone in the throes of passion made him pause - a few minutes either way wouldn't hurt - so the Trusty Manservant waited until all was quiet. Then he knocked.

"C... Come!" Was it his imagination, but did he detect the sounds of girlish giggling at the obvious pun? The Trusty Manservant opened the door to discover Friday and her companion hastily rearranging their clothing.

"Oh, it's you Nick. You might have said, then we wouldn't have had to rush to get dressed."

"Sorry, Princess Friday. I waited until I thought you had finished, and then I knocked."

Snow Friday and her companion blushed prettily as they realised the sounds that he must have heard. The Trusty Manservant finally remembered her name, 'Cat'. It had been bothering him for a few seconds when it didn't leap immediately to mind.

"Well come on then, out with it."

"You stepmother is having a rant. The mirror has told her that she isn't the sexiest any more."

"Oh is that all! I thought it was something important!"

"Unfortunately the mirror has named you as the sexiest."

"I always knew that mirror had taste. What does it matter?"

"She's told me to get rid of you."

"Oh! Couldn't the mirror have lied to her for a few more years? It's been doing it for long enough anyway."

"It's been complaining about losing its integrity."

"It's a magic mirror for goodness' sake who expects integrity from a mirror!" Friday was incredulous.

"It says that it's got to be true to itself."

"Just what this tale needs a mirror with delusions of existential angst."

"Be that as it may, I'm supposed to take you to the Old Forest and get rid of you!"

"Oh well I've always fancied a trip to the mountains."

She dragged Cat into the dressing room and with much giggling and squeals Snow Friday changed into some clothes more appropriate for a trip to the mountains.

"Okay I'm all set, if we don't leave soon the old* windbag will get suspicious." [*Look don't blame me, it's not my fault that everyone over the age of twenty is 'old' to Fairytale Princesses!]

Snow Friday and the Trusty Manservant made their way, up hill and down dale, through field and vale over bridge and... [All right, already! You get the picture. Anyhow this is the part where Bambi gets his!] Eventually they reach a clearing in the Old Forest many leagues from the Castle of the Wicked Queen. The Trusty Manservant turns to Snow Friday.

"I think this is far enough."

"Far enough for what?"

"Far enough to make the Queen think that I've done away with you. Unless of course you want me actually to do it?" [Oh don't you just love it when someone avoids a split infinitive!]

Snow Friday looks coquettishly at the Trusty Manservant. Batting her eyelids as she speaks in a fake southern accent, "Surely you wouldn't really do away with little ol' me?"

"It's tempting, if you're going to continue to behave in this ridiculous manner." The Trusty Manservant considers things for a moment. "I'm going to need proof of your demise."

"A deer's heart is the usual token."

"No, that's too obvious. [Phew! Bambi is safe, but what does the Trusty Manservant have in mind?] I think you'll have to give me your clothes."

"You cannot be serious!" Said Friday in an unconscious imitation of a certain tennis player of our acquaintance.

"Would you rather I did it for real?"

"What's wrong with a deer?"

"Like I said, too obvious and for another thing I really enjoyed 'Bambi' when I was a young boy. Now stop wasting time and strip!"

Seeing the adamant expression on the Trusty Manservant's face Snow Friday reluctantly removed her clothes. All too soon, from her point of view, she was naked. The Trusty Manservant picked up her clothes and pushed them into his rucksack.

"I'll slash them a little before I hand them over."

The Trusty Manservant wished her good luck in the rest of her life and loped off back the way they had come. Snow Friday looked down at her nakedness and then around her at the forest. The day was still warm and a gentle breeze caressed her. Ahead of her she could see a path lit by dappled sunlight and she began to walk.

"This is another fine mess you've got me into."

["I don't know, it has its good points; two of them, actually, from where I'm standing."]

"That's another thing, why has it got colder all of a sudden?"

["That's just your overactive imagination dear, and the fact that you're not wearing any clothes."]

"You just had to remind me, didn't you?"

["I'm hardly likely to forget am I? One of the 'perks' of this job is to view gorgeous girls wearing little or no clothing. I think the mirror had it just about right."]

While this pleasant conversation continued, Snow Friday was walking cautiously down a well-trodden path. With little warning the path opened out into a delightful forest glade. The sun shone warmly into the clearing and brightly coloured butterflies fluttered by in profusion as they settled again after being startled by the sudden appearance of a naked Snow Friday.

"Do you have to keep mentioning it?"

["What? Oh the fact that you're naked, nude, unclothed, starkers, wearing only your birthday suit, dressed as Eve..."]

"I'm sure everyone has got the idea!"

["At least the sun is very warm, who says I'm not kind to my characters?"]

"You're all heart, you know that? Who got me into this state in the first place?"

[The author maintains a dignified silence and gets on with the task in hand, namely moving the story forward, pausing now and then to admire the gentle curvature of Snow Friday's bottom, that reminded him of nothing so much as a peach... ]

Snow Friday walked boldly up to the front door of the cottage. Since she was a very well-mannered Princess, she knocked on the door and waited to see if anyone would answer it. After a few minutes of fruitless waiting, Snow Friday pushed the door open and entered the cottage. Like all such Fairyland cottages, it was much bigger on the inside than it appeared to be. The kitchen, though, was a mess and the dining room looked like a horde of ravening beasts had stopped to eat here. Snow Friday noted the seven chairs. Continuing her exploration, she was relieved to see that the other rooms were reasonably tidy. A twisting staircase led Friday upwards to the bedrooms. On each side of a longish corridor were a series of doors; above each door was a nameplate, as she walked she read the names to herself.