In the beginning, God created death and taxation. The heavens and the earth were then thrown in as an afterthought.
And the earth was without form, and bankrupt. And the bladder of God moved, creating the waters.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. No, no, he then said, make that a Bud Light: and he had one. And God drank the beer and it was good.
And the Lord God grimaced and an enchanted gust of wind blew forth from him. And the Fart blew the waters of the earth together unto one place, leaving dry land for God to rest his beer on. (Incidentally, a less well known consequence of this holy hurricane was that it caused Lucifer, God's favorite angel, to quit his post as God's errand boy, and flee as far from Heaven as possible.)
And God said, Let the Earth bring forth trees bearing fruit, plants bearing pollen, and other green life. And the Lord God sneezed and saw that, hayfever excluded, it was pretty damn good for a first try. And God said, in a hoarse beer-befuddled slur, the trees and plants are catchy, but they are not quite enough. I'll make some animals; some who can eat the plants, and others who can eat the first group, and all can urinate on the trees and plants. And he saw that it was all rather asinine, but who cares? After all, he was God, wasn't he? What is omnipotence good for if the almighty can't enjoy a few jokes?
And God said, So what do I do for an encore? Maybe I will make an animal in my image and let him rule over all the lesser creatures. Maybe they will be concerned only about themselves, and people very much like them. Flaws will make my world interesting and, if nothing else, at least I won't have to keep talking to myself anymore. I can call my first two Archie and Edith. No, too middle class. How about Adam and Eve? I love it!
And the Lord God formed the first Man from a pile of dung, and beer-belched life and soul into him.
And God put the Man Adam in a garden called Eden. And in Eden, God put every food that is non-nutritious and highly caloric, every plant that is toxic and ugly; various kinds of hallucinogenic and mind altering drugs grew from the tree of decadence, while on the other side of the garden grew the beautiful, rainbow colored tree of technology.
The Lord God sat down with Adam to explain the situation to him. And God said to Adam, Look, Adam, what we have here is a primo piece of real estate. I figure the property value will skyrocket within the next couple of years, and if the time should come when you need to sell, I will explain to you about Century 21 agents. Things are real quiet and peaceful around here because I haven't created any neighbors for you yet.
But Adam, not fully understanding his body, had several questions to ask of God. And Adam said, Yo God, what's this thing that's hanging between my legs? Huh, huh? Hey Man, talk to me. What's the deal?
And God thought to himself, This is ridiculous: my Belch must have ruined this guy's brains. Oh well, at least most of my other creations turned out well.
And God said to Adam, Shut up asshole and heed my first Commandment. Thou shalt not let thy little head do the thinking for thy big head. I shall explain later about your schlong. Now listen to me, so I may explain your purpose here: all you must do is have as good a time as possible and party all the time. But heed my one restriction: you may use everything in the garden as you see fit, except for the tree of technology. If you try to enter the tree and discover the secret, I'll kick your butt all the way back to Brooklyn, the limbo from whence you came.
So Adam went forth into the garden and drank great quantities of alcohol, and took massive amounts of drugs, but not even the most powerful drugs in the garden could wipe out his terrible loneliness. A Man, it seemed, could not live by drugs alone. Almost, but not quite. And God, sensing Adam's problems, took immediate steps to solve them, and brought sheep into the garden. Adam was happy for a time, and his calluses disappeared, but eventually he was no longer satisfied with his new friends.
God caused a deep sleep to fall over Adam, and while Adam slept, God circumcised him. And from the foreskin which God had taken from Man, made he a Woman, and brought her unto the Man.