Chapter 45

I was wondering about Kristen again on the way back to the house. Did I really want her to succeed? Wouldn’t it be better if she didn’t make it as a big star and came back so that we could pick up like we were before? I told myself that it was very selfish to think that way, but I was already missing her.

I checked for messages when I got back to the house. There weren’t any, but there were several hang-ups. I called Bill, and his mom said that he and his dad had gone fishing and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. I was dialing Karen Gilroy’s number when the doorbell rang.

A dejected-looking Tammy was standing there when I answered it. She looked up and said, “Hi, can I come in?”

“Of course! Gee, Tammy, you look upset. Is there something wrong?”

She came in, looked around, and said, “Is your Mom here?”

“No, she went to Kate’s. She’ll be back in the morning. Come on, tell me what’s going on.” She went to the couch and sat down. Then her face puckered up like she was going to cry, so I sat beside her and put my arm around her. The floodgates opened and she threw her arms around me and started crying. I held her for a long time before she finally calmed down. I said, “Okay, what’s happening? Did Tony do something to you?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Is it something at work?”

“No, I love what I’m doing. Ben has been terrific. That’s not the problem.”

I held her tight against me. I wanted to drag what was going on out of her, but she didn’t want to tell me for some reason, so I just held her, and we rocked back and forth. I knew that she would tell me if she wanted me to know, and it started to come out before long.

She finally sat up and wiped her eyes. Then she looked at me and said,

“I told Tony that I didn’t want to see him for a while. I’ve been living a dream, Pete. Do you know who I really am? I’m a girl who stayed in a tool shed and slept with a bunch of guys just so that I wouldn’t have to face the world.” Her face was set and hard now as she turned to me and said, “Do you know what I did once, Pete? Decker brought over two of his friends, and...” I stood up and yelled “STOP IT! That girl is gone forever. It’s as though she never existed. No one who is in your life now cares about who you were before. It’s the person you are now who we all love and respect. You should hear how Ben and Kate talk about you. You’ve proven yourself to be a wonderful person. Not only that, but someone who seems to be a really good guy is in love with you. What more could you want?”

She looked up at me, and with a kind of weak smile, she said, “Just one guy?” I took her shoulders and said, “No, Tammy, there are a bunch of us who love you. Aside from Tony, there’s Mom and Dad. They both think you are terrific. Ben and Kate consider you as family, and you know how I feel about you.”

She stood up and faced me, then she said, “Tell me about it, Pete. Tell me how you really feel about me!” I was stunned. She was obviously feeling fragile or frightened, and I knew that what I said next might be important to her, so I tried to be as sincere sounding as I could when I said, “I love you, Tammy. You once said that you would be whatever I wanted you to be. Well, there is something I want you to be. I want you to be secure knowing that none of us would let any harm come to you. I would wrap you in a blanket and carry you with me if I thought that it would keep you safe.”

I could tell from her expression that it wasn’t the kind of answer she was looking for, so I quickly went on. “I want to mean as much to you as you do to me. You will always have a permanent place in my heart.” She suddenly was in my arms and I was kissing her. This beautiful, sexy girl was all over me, and even against my will, I felt my body respond, but I knew that something was very wrong, and it took all my will power to pull her off and hold her at arms’ length. I said, “Okay, Tammy. What’s going on?”

Her eyes were starting to pool up again, and she said, “You still want me, don’t you?”

I said, “Of course I do,” and we both looked down at the bulge in my pants. She smiled for a second, and started to wipe her eyes, but she suddenly started crying again. I guided her to the couch and held her for a long time while she sobbed onto my chest. She started to get the hiccups when she finally calmed down, so I said, “Go to the bathroom and blow your nose. Then come back and tell me what happened.”

The hiccups were gone and she had straightened herself up when she came back. She sat on the couch next to me, put her head on my shoulder, and sat there for a while. She finally said, “Tony is a great guy, and I know that he loves me. He anticipates my every whim, and goes out of his way to do nice things. His dad was a little skeptical at the beginning, but we sat down and had a long talk once he saw how crazy Tony was about me, and he’s warmed up a lot since then. It’s wonderful being with Tony. He’s taken me places and shown me things that I never dreamed of, and he says that it’s only the beginning.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, I was having lunch in a restaurant with Tony yesterday, and I thought that I recognized one of Decker’s buddies sitting across from us. It suddenly hit me that I’m not the person who Tony thinks I am. He says that he knows about my background, but does he really? Does he know what I did before you and your family literally saved my life? He’s hinted about wanting to marry me. What’s going to happen, when he comes to his senses one day and clearly sees that I’m much worse than the slightly tainted girl who he seems to think I am?”

“I don’t think you understand him, Tammy. You know how meticulous he is about everything. What makes you think that he doesn’t know everything there is about you?” She sat for a while and she finally said, “Maybe he does know, but there’s something else that worries me.” She sat up and looked directly at me, then she said, “Did you feel like I was holding back when we made love all those times in Cantil?”

“No, making love with you was wonderful. Why? Were you holding back?”

“No! I gave myself to you as completely as I possibly could. I’d had a lot of sex before I met you, but I had never actually made love before. It was wonderful, but it scared me to death. I promised myself that it was the last time every time that we made love. I had never given all of myself to anyone before, and it was glorious, but very, very scary. But I couldn’t stay away. It was always me who came to you if you remember. Being with you was amazing. I was with someone I wanted to be with for the first time that I could remember.”

“This may be difficult for you to understand, but you made me feel clean! You made me feel like a girl instead of an object. The night we had dinner at that fancy restaurant was the best day of my life by far, and the night was even more wonderful, but I knew that I had to leave the next day. You were busy growing up and seeing other girls, and I knew that you would break my heart if I stayed any longer, so I jumped at the chance when Ben said that he had a place for me in LA. I’m glad I did, because it’s been a wonderful experience, and it’s kept me from spending all my time thinking about you.”

I was overwhelmed. I hadn’t realized that she felt that strongly about me, and my heart went out to her. I wanted to take her and hold her, but I knew that she was trying to tell me something, so I said, “But what does that have to do with Tony?” She went on with, “I dated a few times since I’ve been in LA, but no sex, and then I met Tony. He treated me like a queen, and I was actually looking forward to having sex with him. I wanted it to be like it was with you, but it wasn’t the same when it finally happened. It wasn’t that he was bad at it, or uncaring, or anything at all. It was just that I couldn’t let myself go like I did with you.”

“So you’re worried that he’ll find out that you are holding back?”

“That’s part of it, but there’s more. Something unusual is happening.

“What do you mean by ‘unusual’?”

“It’s kind of complicated, and even a little strange. He liked you at the beginning, especially since he wanted you to put in a word for him with me, but his sister has fallen for you in a big way since then, and I think that he resents it a little. Plus, I may have spoken a little too highly of you at times, and he may suspect that there could be something going on between us. The strange part is that I was having dinner at his house with he and his dad last week. His dad got a phone call, and left the table to take it. He was gone quite a while, and I said something nice about you while he was away, and Tony got angry. He said something nasty about you, then he said that that you and your family were taking over their lives! His dad was coming back into the room just as he said it, and he yelled at him to keep his mouth shut. I asked him what it was all about later, and he said that it was nothing, but something is weird.”

“Yes, it does sound weird. Is all this why you told Tony that you didn’t want to see him for a while?”

“Yes. I have to figure out what to do. I came over here hoping to talk to your mom.” I tried to make light of things, so I grinned and said, “Yeah, she’d have been very helpful, especially if you slipped and told her about those times we slept together.”

She touched my cheek and said, “She knows, Pete.” I was thinking about what she said when my stomach growled. Things were getting a little overwhelming, so I said, “Why don’t we go get something to eat?” She nodded and went into the bathroom. I changed shirts and threw a coat on, and she had put some makeup on when she came out of the bathroom. I thought about how attractive she was again as I looked at her.

We went to a local café, and gorged ourselves on giant burgers, double orders of fries, and washed everything down with chocolate malts. There was a jukebox blaring, and it was too noisy to carry on a conversation, so we just stuffed ourselves and watched the people. It was impossible to stay in a bad mood with all that color and noise, and I noticed that several people were gathered around the jukebox, dancing, as we were finishing. One couple in particular were pretty good, especially the boy. They were dancing to a swing record, and he was throwing his partner around and catching her in a wild-looking, but very smooth manner. I saw Tammy watching them, and she grinned and said, Gee, I haven’t seen a guy dance that well since you and I danced at the restaurant that night. But you were a lot younger then. You probably couldn’t keep up now.”

I didn’t answer her, I finished the last of my malt, then I stood up and grabbed her hand and dragged her, laughing, to where they were dancing. She kept complaining that she hadn’t danced since the last time we did all the way there, but I didn’t respond, I just started dancing with her and swinging her around. It took her a minute or two to get the rhythm, but she was grinning, and really getting into it in no time. We were having a great time, and I noticed that the other couple was watching us. They came to us when the record ended, and he said, “Hey, you guys are pretty good! Want to switch partners for the next record?”

I looked at Tammy. Her eyebrows were arched and she was slowly shaking her head, but the record started just then, and I thought that it might be fun for her, so I said, “Sure.” I handed her to him, and I grabbed his girl and we started the next dance. I watched Tammy trying to follow him. He was throwing her all over the place, but she was smiling and seemed to be enjoying herself, and her grin got even bigger towards the end of the record. The girl I was dancing with was kind of plain-looking. She was following me pretty well, but I wasn’t paying much attention to her until she suddenly said, “Pete?” just as the record ended.

I looked down at her but I didn’t recognize her. She must have seen that I didn’t, and she said, “It’s me, Julie, from history class.” I still didn’t recognize her, but I said, “Oh sure, Julie. Hi.” She said, “What are you doing here, and who is the girl?”

“Uhh, what do you mean?”

“I saw your picture in the paper. You were in Vegas with Kristen and it said you were married!” I was surprised that the news had reached here, but it struck me that this might be fun, so I looked around furtively and said, “Gee, you won’t say anything will you, Julie?” I obviously didn’t think it through. I half expected her to be curious or intrigued. She glared at me and said, “You jocks are all the same!” instead, and she stalked off to her friend and grabbed him by the arm.

It caught me by surprise, and when I got my wits about me, I called after her, but she had dragged her friend through the door, and was gone by that time. I thought about going after her, but Tammy came up just then. She had stopped at our table to get a drink of water, but she was still out of breath, and she had a huge grin on her face. She gave me a big hug, and said, “I haven’t had this much fun in a long time, Pete!”

Two more couples that I recognized from school came in just then. They grabbed a large table, and when one of the guys, a tackle on our football team named Jack saw me, he said, “Hey, Pete, come on over!” So I took Tammy by the hand, and we joined them. I introduced Tammy to everyone, and one of the girls asked her where she went to school. She started to answer, and I interrupted her, and said, “Tammy goes to Grant.” Grant high school is located not to far from us, and I thought that Tammy might get a kick out of pretending to be in high school again.

I was right. She gave me a quick wink and proceeded to tell the girl how hard she thought her English class was. The girl agreed, and they were like old friends as the girl went on about stuff that happened at our school the next thing I knew. I was waiting for somebody to mention something about the article in the paper, but I guess they hadn’t seen it, because no one said anything.

We sat there a long time, and the last few days started to catch up with me and I began yawning after a while. Tammy stood up and said that it was time to go when she saw me. Tammy talked about how much fun she had all the way home. I said, “Bring back memories?”

She was looking straight ahead when she said, “Not many. I never finished high school.”

I was shocked. I said, “But Ben said you were smart as a whip!”

“I read, Pete. I spent a lot of time by myself, and I read a lot. Everything of any importance that I know, I got from books.” I was thinking about what she said and how hard things must have been for her. I glanced at the pretty, well-dressed girl sitting next to me, and I remembered the plain, underweight waif who I had met at the ice cream parlor. The change in both looks and attitude was amazing. I walked her to her car when we pulled into the driveway, but she didn’t get in. She just stood there looking at the ground. I finally said, “Come on in.”

She quietly followed me into the house, and I led her to the bathroom. She stood in the doorway while I found a new toothbrush and handed it to her, then I went to my dresser and pulled a T-shirt out without talking,. I laid it on the hamper and said, “Get in bed, I’ll make some tea.”

She was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing just my t-shirt, and staring at the floor when I came back from the kitchen. She looked up at me when I handed her the tea, and said, “Pete, I...”

“Shh, don’t say anything. I’ll be right back.”

I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, then I stripped to my shorts. She had gotten under the covers and was leaning against the headboard, sipping her tea, when I came into the bedroom. I slipped in beside her, and switched the light off when we finished our tea. I then pushed her on her side facing away from me, moved close to her, and put my arms around her. She tightly snuggled against me, and I thought about asking her to make love for a moment, but I knew that it wasn’t right for either of us, so I just held her close.

I woke up thinking that I was supposed to get up early for some reason. Kristen was lying tightly against me. My t-shirt had ridden up and my morning hardon had popped through my shorts and was pressing against her naked back. I considered entering her for a moment because she liked to be woken up that way sometimes, but I had to pee so I rolled out of bed and was halfway to the bathroom when I realized that something was wrong. I stopped and I turned around just as two things happened. The phone on my nightstand started ringing, and it was Tammy, not Kristen who sat up and looked at me.

Last night suddenly came back to me. I went over and sat on the bed with my back to Tammy, and answered the phone. Kristen said, “Hi.” It took me a second to organize my thoughts, then I yawned and said, “Hi, I just woke up. Where are you?”

“In Fort Worth. I’m lying in bed thinking about you. Why didn’t you wake me before you left Sunday morning?” Something behind me moved, and I looked around and watched Tammy’s cute, and very naked butt disappear into the bathroom. I told Kristen “Because I didn’t want to say goodbye.” She didn’t say anything for a minute, so I said, “How did the shows go Sunday?” She sighed and said, “Okay I guess. There were some record people at the late show. They talked to Tomaso and Tony yesterday, and Tony’s flying out here this afternoon to help me sign a record contract with Gillman Records.”

“WHAT!” I shouted, “That’s terrific! Why aren’t you more excited?” “Well, I am pretty excited, and I’ve spent the last day trying to chase you down and tell you the news. I called you at Kate’s, then at your house. I even tried to reach you at Big Bear.” There was a moment of silence, then she said, “Are you trying to hide from me, Pete?”

I think it was at that very moment that I decided enough was enough. I didn’t want to tell her that I didn’t love her, because I did. But it wasn’t the kind of love that she wanted. I knew that I might never get the chance again if I didn’t commit to her right now, but she wanted all of me, and I just wasn’t ready for that. I knew that it wasn’t fair to her to lead her on, so I said the only thing that I could think of. I said, “No, Kristen, I’m not trying to hide from you, but you have a career to think of. Go and pursue it. There’s plenty of time for us later.” There was another short silence, and it sounded like she had laid the phone down, then I heard her say, “Oh, Pete,” and the line went dead.