Chapter 6

I have a brother, when I'm a brother in need
I spend my whole time running, he spends his running after me
When I feel myself going down, I just call and he comes around
But for the first time, I feel love

- U2

I hate the dark of the night when sleeping in my bed, often waking up at some point to look out the window at the moon, my own personal nightlight. When I was a child it never even occurred to me to ask for one, a simple little device which could have been plugged into any of a number of outlets around the room. But no, I had the moon, and on nights when there was no moon, I had Mark.

Often I wouldn't even wake him. I'd just tip toe across the hall, pull back the sheets on his bed and crawl in beside him, tight as I could, the warmth his body radiated making me fall asleep soon after.

In the morning I would awake with his arms around me, our lips almost touching, our cheeks often would be, and I would smile each time. Soon after Mark would begin to stir, his eyes would open and he too would smile upon finding me there, a loving smile that made me feel even warmer.

It wouldn't be until I went to University, in fact my second night there, that I actually broke down and went out and bought a nightlight. It was just too dark to sleep, a nearby tree and the rooftop blocking most of the moon's light. And of course I didn't have Mark.

With no other family we spent Christmas in each other's arms almost the entire day. Our first Christmas without our parents. Occasional light sobbing would make us hug even tighter as we tried to console the other. After awhile Mark fell asleep on top of me as I watched the TV that had been removed from his room to mine, to our room.

Playing with his hair I became aware of a stirring between us. Many nights as we slept together Mark would get an erection however he no longer had wet dreams. I didn't mind most times but in this case he had his full weight on top of me and I was feeling very uncomfortable with his hardon pressing sharply into me. I mean the least he could do is pull down his underwear and mine and fuck me, is that so much to ask. I'd been wanting him to do just that ever since we got back but with recent events I was now beginning to realize that wasn't going to happen, in other words Mark still wasn't ready and in fact probably never would be.

The events I mention happened while we were watching late night TV. Flicking through the channels I came across a Porn movie. The image on the screen had been very graphic and I was quite surprised they were allowed to show such things, that being a woman sucking on a guys cock, letting him cum in her mouth before swallowing it. Snuggled right up along side Mark, somewhat on top of him, I could feel the erection he got from watching.

Sliding my hand into his underwear I first offered to jack him off while he watched the TV. He looked unsure but said okay anyway, only if I wanted to. But then when I suggested I'd be willing to suck it out of him, just like on the TV, just like Beth had done, well then he got upset.

"Jennie, I love you, and I will never, ever, ask you to do that for me. I hated myself for a long time after Beth... , well, you were there. I could never hurt you."

So now anytime Mark got an erection I would leave him be, except for now that is, with him on top of me I was starting to get wet. With our size being equal I suppose I could have just thrown him off but instead I shook him awake. He yawned and stirred slowly.

"Jennie, what's up sis?"

"Ah, you are!"

"Oh shit."

Mark tried to just roll off me but went too far and fell off the bed, crashing to the floor on his side. Quickly trying to stand he lost his balance and backed into the night stand, falling over it completely and smacking his arm into the closet door rather hard, enough to make me wince. I could tell he wasn't seriously hurt but asked if he was anyway, stifling laughter the whole time.

"Me hurt, no, just my pride."

Limping out of my room I could hear Mark muttering a continuously growing number of curse words aimed at my night stand. He came back a few minutes later and just sat on the edge of the bed, staring at me. I had suspected this day was coming but I still wasn't prepared.

"Maybe it's time I went back to my own room."

"No, Mark I'm not mad, that thing of yours was just poking me rather hard that's all, why don't you get a leash for it."

"Sounds kinky to me, next you'll be wanting to teach it tricks."

"Well it already knows how to sit up, and it'll come when I tell it to, get it."

"Yeah you're funny Jennie, but seriously, don't you think we're getting a little too close, I mean we need to get out more, see other people."

"But Mark, I love you, and I know you love me, don't you?"

"Of course I do Jennie."

"Then it's time to prove it, look I'm tired of dancing around you, walking on eggshells all the time, fuck me Mark, just FUCK ME."

"I can't Jennie, I can't hurt you."

"It'll only hurt for a minute I promise, it may not even hurt at all, I'm not thirteen anymore you know."

"Jennie what are you talking about, oh my God you don't mean you're still a virgin?"

"Well, yeah, kind of. Why, what were you talking about?"

"Jennie, go get laid will you."

"But I want you Mark, I want you inside me. Look, if you're worried about getting me pregnant I'll start taking something, I'll go see my doctor tomorrow."

"I still can't."

"Why, why can't you?"

"I promised myself I wouldn't, because of Mom and Dad."

"Mom and Dad are dead Mark, so what the Hell are you talking about?"

"I can still remember the look in Mom's eyes when she caught us in bed that time, and when she asked me if I was screwing you I almost died, I could tell she didn't believe you when you told her we weren't. I overheard them once too, this is while you were at the University, they had just gotten back together and were sitting on the couch in the living room, they didn't know I was home early from work. They were crying Jennie, holding each other and crying, Dad was saying it wasn't right for a brother to love his sister like that. Mom completely broke down when he said that, almost bawling. I snuck out the back door before I started crying myself."

"Jesus Mark, even I didn't know how I felt about you back then. I know I loved you, but I still didn't realize how much so how the fuck did she know?"

"We always were a little too close I guess, she must have noticed something."

"But why didn't Mom say anything to us before, and what did you mean when you said you couldn't hurt me, what are you talking about?"

"I just meant, oh look Jennie, neither of us has any friends right now, and you just admitted to me that you're a virgin, well, except for what Beth did to me I guess I am too. I don't date, neither do you, that's hurting us both. You should have a boyfriend, your own life apart from mine, a husband, children, and if I start fucking you you'll have none of that. Hell I am hurting you Jennie, you went to College and that's a start, now move on with your life."

"God damn it Mark, I've been waiting for you for months and now you tell me this shit. I love you but right now I could just kill you."

"Well I'm sorry, I guess I'll move back to my room tonight, it's for the best Jennie."

"Fine, you're not getting your TV back though, I'm keeping it."

Mark smiled at my attempt at humor, but we both felt the strain the other was hiding. I still loved him, and certainly wanted him, but I couldn't hurt him either.

Except for sleeping together our relationship went along pretty much the same, loving, as it always has been. We would stay up late watching TV in my room, I had meant it when I said I was keeping it. I always hated saying goodnight, following Mark out into the hall, watching as he closed his door. I was forced into buying a nightlight, it seemed darker in my room than I was use to.