To the Senate and People of Rome from Q. Cassius Sextus, Senior Tribune, Legio XIV, Hale!

I am commanded by Didius Claudius Meritus, Governor of Phrygia to offer the following report into the causes of the late unpleasantness in the city of Atarbraxis, since renamed Pentium. I know you will be all familiar with the facts regarding the results of the rioting - the Forum ruined, approximately half of the city's dwellings either destroyed or severely damaged by the ensuing fires, etc. etc.

The casualty figures have been confirmed at four legionaries missing presumed killed and numerous barbarians killed and injured. As His Excellency the Governor has said, we are not likely to win any votes in the 'My favourite Empire' stakes in this part of Asia Minor.

A Court of Enquiry was convened on the Callends of March to carry out a thorough investigation into the events that lead up to the riots. I believe I can do no better than include here a verbatim transcript of the evidence of Legionary Publius Bilius Ludo, the only surviving eyewitness. According to his Centurion, this Bilius 'isn't the sharpest point in any Phalanx but a good man in a scrap.' He is certainly an unprepossessing individual and is heavily scarred as one expects from a twelve-year veteran. Again, according to his Centurion he does look like 'the beaten finalist in a Christians v. Lions series.' I mention this because we do feel that his appearance may have had some bearing on the events under investigation.

Sworn Statement of P. Bilius Ludo, 4th Maniple, 1st Century, Legio XIV.

"It was like this, sir. Me and the other boys from my maniple got a local pass on the Nones of Februarius. Well, after four months of marching and fighting, we was ready for a few wets and a bit of female company, apart from Marcellus Gaius that is, 'cos he swung his sword the other way, if you get my meaning.

Anyroad, we goes into this wine shop - can't remember the name - and orders up a flask or two of their best Falurnian. Saving your presence, sir, but it was Godawful muck! Tasted like something wrung out of a Gladiator's Jockstrap. Me and my mate Quintus took exception and went to have a word with the Landlord who unfortunately slipped and fell down the cellar steps. You know, it's really weird how surprised folk look when they're suddenly dead like that.

We left that place and I do admit we didn't settle up; but then again, they didn't give us Falurnian like what we ordered. If there's been a complaint, sir, I'm really sorry and I offer to pay half right here and now, if that would help. We visited a couple or three more wine shops and there wasn't no trouble at all - unless you count the misunderstanding with Gaius and the eunuch but that all got smoothed over. I mean, Gaius wasn't to know it was the public library.