Chapter 38

December 21st, 1968

The day finally came when I couldn't put off telling Leslie about Mary and our child. I had been working myself up to it for several days. I thought I knew Leslie but I was still uncertain how she would take the news. I didn't for moment regret my love for, and the affair with Mary — it was something that seemed destined to be. We both needed the love and closeness that we had for that short time in Japan.

Mrs. Donovan packed us a picnic lunch and we took the ferry to the Bainbridge Island beach house. I knew I couldn't hold off much longer telling her about Mary and our child. I had been fretting about this for days and I knew Leslie could tell.

I was saddened to see the house all closed up. It had been unused since the summer before my mother died. The memories of the times there came flooding back. I pictured us all together there as a family and the wonderful vacations we had there. I also pictured my mother and the love we shared. Now it belonged to me and to Paula. I doubted that either of us could bear to part with it

"James... it's wonderful!"

Leslie looked around the house as I got the fire going in the big stone fireplace. We ate our lunch and then went for a walk on the stony beach. We watched the gulls and hugged each other for warmth from the wind.

Wet from our walk I watched Leslie towel her beautiful hair while seated on a footstool in front of the fire. She had on a white cashmere sweater, dark cotton pants, and heavy wool socks. Our Wellingtons were left by the door. She looked up at me and caught me admiring her and smiled.

She toweled her hair for a little longer and then her faced turned serious as she looked at me.

"Okay James... I know there's something you want to tell me... you've been preoccupied for most of the day... it must be pretty important... so let's hear it."

I sat on the big leather sofa and reached out and took her hands in mine.

"Leslie... I do love you and I know you love me..."

There was a look of uncertainty in her eyes as she waited for me to finish my preamble.

I took a deep breath and plunged in.

"When I was recovering at the Naval Hospital in Japan... there was a woman... her name is Mary..."

Leslie's eyes never left mine as I told her about Mary and our love affair and the fact that she now carried our child. I told her about my love for Mary and about Richard her unfaithful husband and how crushed I was that Mary had decided to marry Tom.

"Leslie... I need to be involved in my daughter's life. I don't know how that'll happen since everyone has been led to believe the child is Richards..."

Leslie had tears in her eyes. She withdrew her hands from mine.

"Do you still love Mary?"

I knew this was the most important answer of my life.

"Leslie... you are the love of my life. You are the woman who completes me... who loves me like no other... who restored my soul and who will always be my love."

I paused.

"I loved Mary and our child was conceived in love... Mary decided... perhaps wisely... that considering all her circumstances that Tom should be the one she marries. Her decision hurt me deeply... over and over I thought about getting on a plane and flying to Annapolis and trying to convince her that she was mistaken. Maybe I'm a coward... but I just couldn't see how I could show up on her parent's doorstep and announce I was the baby's father and I loved their daughter."

Leslie hung her head her blond hair covered her face as she cried.

"Before anything like that could happen the fates and a man with a knife intervened and powers that be decided I needed to get out of town... that's when I met you... my beautiful Leslie."

She looked up at me, tears still falling.

"If... if... Mary... called you... and said... she made a mistake..." Leslie paused and took a gulp of air.

"Would you... go to her?"

"That's not going to happen."

"James... please answer the question." Her violet eyes flashed in anger.

I shook my head.

"No... but I would tell her that I would be proud to acknowledge the baby as mine and to help support both of them. I would tell her I met a woman who I love terribly and who loves me."

Leslie stood, her hands at her sides, clenched white into fists.

"I think we had better go."

The trip home was pretty quiet. During the thirty minute ferry ride into Seattle she paced the upper deck, despite the rain and the growing darkness. She said she wanted to be alone. I watched her from the relative dryness of the sheltered entrance to the main cabin as she circled the deck, a miserable looking figure pulling her coat tight around her as the wind and rain tried to drive her back inside. By the time we had to return to the car we were both quite wet.

Leslie refused dinner and went immediately to our room. I was afraid to follow, afraid I would find her packing.

Elaine had seen it all. She took me to the quiet sitting room down the narrow hallway toward the back of the house that she used as an office. It had a view of her beautiful garden, which was now resting for the winter under mounds of mulch and shrouded in the darkness and rain.

"Sit." She said as she pointed to a large overstuffed leather armchair. She went to the bar and came back with a large Scotch.

I watched her pour herself a Scotch and put match to the carefully laid fire. She was beautifully dressed as usual, wearing a dark green knee-length full skirt with a very soft looking white angora sweater. She wore dark hose and black high heel pumps. As always she was incredibly sexy. When she got the fire going to her satisfaction she sat in the other armchair. Our knees were almost touching as she took my hand and said,

"Okay, tell me."

She said nothing as I poured out my story of Mary and our child and Leslie's reaction.

"I'm so afraid I'll lose her over this... I'm so stupid... but I had to tell her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her but how could I keep this secret?"

"James... she knows you love her and she loves you... but sometimes when we love someone so much we tend to think they are... well... perfect. You have been her knight in shining armor, her Galahad... the man who rescued her from a nasty drunk in LA...

"She told you about that?"

"Yes..."

"But the point I'm trying to make... is that you are the man who rescued her from her life."

"Her life?"

"Yes... Leslie is beautiful and she's also smart and resourceful. Most of her life people have treated her as only a beautiful face and body. Her marriage failed because she chose a man for all the wrong reasons, a man who kept her as a trophy and treated her badly and had lots of secrets. Think about why she was on that plane to Seattle. She was adrift and then you came along. You love her and treat her with respect... but now she's discovered that you have a chink in your shining armor. The worst part to her is that your failing involves another woman. She is particularly sensitive to that because of her former husband. In her head she realizes you've been with other women.

Elaine smiled at me. "She knows because she is the recipient of... well shall we say... your exceptional lovemaking. But there is a big difference between head and heart. When confronted with evidence of another woman, who you said you loved... and then conceiving a child together... well that may take some getting used to."

"Do you think she can accept that?" I asked.

Elaine looked at me. Her beautiful face was full of concern and perhaps longing.

"I think so James. If she can't then she's making the biggest mistake of her life and she's not the person I think she is."

I was so worried I couldn't think of anything to say.

"James... let it go overnight. She needs time to digest this news. If she didn't love you so much she wouldn't care... but she loves you desperately... I think she'll make the right choice. Maybe she and I will have a walk in the garden in the morning."

We sat in silence holding hands watching the fire.

Finally she broke the somber mood.

"Anyway... I'm having enough trouble trying to cope with the fact that I'm going to be a great grandmother!"

I grinned at her and pulled her into my lap. She put one arm around my neck and pressed herself against me. We spent the next several minutes sipping our drinks - enjoying the closeness and the warmth of each other and the fire.

"You will be the sexiest great grandmother on the planet."

"Thank you James... I can feel your appreciation!"

I smiled at her. Her love and understanding made me feel so much better. I was lucky to have her.

When I came to bed Leslie was already asleep, or pretending. She was on the far side of the bed and did not respond to my attempts to hold her. After a long time I finally slept. One time in the night I though I heard quiet crying but I could have dreamed it.

When I awoke I panicked since there was no sign of Leslie. I breathed easier when I discovered her things were still in the closet and in the bathroom. I showered and headed down for breakfast. It was after 10 and I wasn't very hungry. I figured I'd just have a cup of coffee but Mrs. Donovan wouldn't hear of it. Kathleen came in to get a cup of tea and when I asked about Leslie she said,

"Oh... she and Elaine have been on a walk for the last hour or so... taking advantage of the sunshine I expect."

A few minutes later I saw them through the French doors to the garden. They were obviously returning to the house and coming through the garden to the kitchen. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my heart as I watched them smile at each other and laugh with the ease of long time friends.

They came in with a gust of wind, their faces shining with laughter and the cold. Leslie spotted me and her smile gave me such a sense of relief that I wanted to jump up and just hold her. She beat me to it, coming up behind my chair as I turned to her. She wrapped her arms around my neck from behind, and pressed her cold cheek against my face.

"I love you James." She whispered in my ear.

I felt like I could breathe again and suddenly I was hungry.

December 23, 1968

I lay there in the dark, Leslie's naked body snuggled against me. For a change the rain had stopped and there was no sound except for her gentle breathing. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. The last several days had been a roller coaster ride of emotions - joy basking in the love of Leslie and the other women in my life - and turmoil as I finally confessed to Leslie my evolvement with Mary and the impending birth of our daughter.

I was pleased how the other women had readily accepted Leslie and she them. It was as if they had all been friends for years.

I thought about Elaine and how she had so readily accepted Leslie and our love for each other. Elaine and I had not made love since that time a week ago in her car. It was not for the lack of opportunity, it was just that after that time we both knew it would be the last time. When we had arrived at the house after our day of Christmas shopping we were greeted by Katherine. Elaine leaned against me and it was obvious to Katherine what we'd been doing. She looked at me with what? Regret? Sadness? She quickly hustled Elaine off toward her bedroom and suggested I shower before Leslie and Paula got home.

"Tom has gone to fetch them. They've all had too much to drink."

When Leslie and Paula arrived about an hour later they were pretty tipsy. The wrapping and cookie baking party at Aunt Connie's had included several bottles of champagne and a great deal of wine with lunch. I was glad they had not been driving. Paula gave me an over-long and passionate kiss and then Leslie dragged me off to bed. I undressed her and by the time I got her under the covers she was asleep. I was relieved that I didn't have to perform. Elaine had drained me.

Sleep eluded me but I was content. Life is always a surprise. In addition to my recent disclosure to Leslie I had faced another problem last week. Paula had asked me a question that threw me for a loop.

It was mid afternoon and close to "siesta time" and we were all feeling lazy after another of Mary Donovan's tasty lunches of homemade soup and fresh baked bread. She and Leslie and I were sitting around in front of the fire in the living room. I was reading the paper with Leslie snuggled against me on the big sofa. At least I was trying to read. Leslie kept running her hands up and down my thigh. I would stop reading and give her a look of mock annoyance. She would respond with a dreamy smile and then bat her long blond eyelashes at me, and give me a "who me bother you?" look.

Paula, in skirt and blouse, her sexy legs curled under her in the adjacent winged back leather chair, put her book down and said,

"James... do you think you'll see dad while you're home?"

I was stunned.

"I know he wants to see you."

That statement was even harder to comprehend. How did she know he wanted to see me and more importantly how could she think I would ever want to see of hear from him again after all he had done? I was also not pleased she had brought the subject up in front of Leslie.

"Paula, I don't think so..."

"James... I met him for lunch last week."

"You what?"

"He misses you very much."

I looked at her. Leslie gave me a quizzical expression. She had never asked about my father. She just knew that my parents had separated before my mother's death.

"Paula... did you forget the fact that he's a rotten bastard who cheated on our mother and then fought us for our inheritance? I have no desire to see him ever again... ever."

She looked at me like I had slapped her.

"I'm sorry James... sorry." She said as she tearfully rushed from the room.

I immediately regretted my harsh words. I had no right to lash out at Paula that way. I loved her and felt very protective of her. It was just that she had taken me by surprise and had touched a very sore spot.

Leslie turned to me and stroked my face with a cool hand.

"James... will you tell me about it?"

"I'm sorry Leslie... its just that Paula would even think to bring it up, and the idea that she went to see him seems like... like a betrayal of our mother."

Leslie said nothing. She could see the hurt in my eyes.

"The bastard betrayed her with another woman and then... then he killed her."

"You told me she was killed by a drunk driver?"

"Yes... but he was driving that night... he should have protected her... taken better care of her."

"You loved her very much didn't you?"

I'm sure my eyes reflected the sorrow and longing and helpless rage I felt. Leslie held me until I got control of myself.

"When was the last time you saw your father?"

"The funeral... over two years ago."

"Did you get a chance to talk to him? Do you know how he feels?"

"Feels? I'll tell you how he feels... he married that tramp he was screwing around with and he adopted her son... but the worst part is that he didn't need to... Paula found out that he was already the boy's biological father... so that meant they had been screwing for years!"

"Mother was a wonderful woman... and she didn't deserve to be treated that way... or to die that way."

Leslie looked at me with a love and sadness. She turned in my arms and pressed against me on the big leather sofa we watched the fire in silence.

"James... Paula 's right..."

She went on even though she felt me tense.

"He is your father... hatred is a cancer that will eat you up. You don't have to be friends... but you need to consider seeing him... the memories that it might dredge up will be difficult but you need to see him and let this go... He loves you I'm certain. Christmas is about family and about forgiveness. He's made the gesture and Paula has accepted... can't you?"

I looked into Leslie's eyes and knew as usual, I could refuse her nothing.

The next day I told Paula I was going to meet him. She and I were holding hands walking along the high cliff overlooking the beach on a misty afternoon. She said nothing but her eyes filled with tears as she turned to look at me.

"Thank you James... thank you."

She hugged me.

I had already apologized to her for my outburst. I could see her love for me and I felt damned lucky to be loved by her.

"I love you James... I always will. Please don't ever forget that. I love Leslie too. I can see how happy she makes you. Take good care of her."

She put her arms around my neck and kissed me softly. We held each other for a long time.

Elaine and Leslie looked on approvingly when we returned to the house and told them the news. I knew I would do anything for these three women and I also knew that I had no chance when they got together.

So that was how I was persuaded to meet with my father. We met on a rainy afternoon at the Athena Café in the downtown Seattle Public Market. The Market was a place he had carried me through on his shoulders when I was a child. He cried when he told me how he missed her and me and how he lived with the guilt that he somehow could have prevented her death. Somehow I couldn't hate him nor could I scream all the things at him about how I felt about his betrayal. He knew what he had done and told me again and again how sorry he was. We could never have the relationship that we had a few years before but a weight was lifted from my heart.

When I got home Paula clung to my neck and cried.

I listened to Leslie sleep and I felt her warmth surround me. I reveled in the quiet of the night. It was so different than what I had known for so long. So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. The family and various guests would gather around the big table and celebrate the birth of Christ. I was glad to be home but I remembered those who would spend Christmas far away from their homes and families. I also remembered Swede and those other Marines who would never celebrate Christmas of Hanukah again. Their families would bear the unbearable and I hoped they would never forget the young man who would always be young.

A lot had happened to me in a very short time. I had been a typical stupid teenaged boy, lost and heartbroken when I joined the Marines. Somehow to my addled brain it seemed romantic — sort of like the young hero in the movies — running off to join the French Foreign Legion.