Part XXI - 2: Revealing Truth with Every Brushstroke

I hadn't been to the mall since I stopped going there looking for another Her that fall. With it being the week before Christmas, the mall was like a totally different place than it had been.

I couldn't believe how... uncomfortable I was being around so many people again. I think I would have freaked out and left if I hadn't been there with Joey. But I couldn't show that kind of weakness in front of him like that.

My biggest problem was what to do with my eyes while we were walking. What do you look at when anytime you look at someone else they feel your eyes and turn to look at you? It's pretty hard to keep your eyes on neutral objects when you're walking in a crowd.

Joey was oblivious to my... problem. We were there to find something for him to give to Suzi for Christmas, but everything we found was either not good enough for her, or just didn't represent his feelings for her appropriately.

Like when we found a rather perverted, but funny as hell, board game that I thought she'd love, Joey wouldn't hear of it because it wasn't the least bit romantic.

So after an hour of keeping my eyes down, I finally asked him, "Why don't you just buy her a ring or something?"

"What kind of ring?" he replied almost nervously.

"I don't know. Just a ring... Or a necklace."

"You think that'll do it?" he asked me, looking me in the eyes briefly.

"Depends on what you get her," I said while sorting through the nervousness he was feeling about it.

"Well I guess we can go look," he sighed before turning in the direction of the nearest jeweler.

I followed him in, then waited silently for him to choose a display counter to look at until it was clear he was waiting on me to do just that. So I just picked the one closest to me that was open and worked my way around to the others.

"So how much are you willing to spend?" I thought to him after getting a feel of what they had that Suzi might like.

"Doesn't matter," he thought back.

"Of course it matters. I don't want to look at something that's $400 when you're only thinking of spending $50."

"Then look at the $1000 ones."

"Uhm, don't you think that's kind of..." I said out loud.

"How much did you blow on that replica of her grandmother's necklace?"

"That was different," I said.

"How is it different? I have the money, Tim. And I'll spend three times that much if I find something I think she'll like better."

"Echm," a man behind the counter interjected. "May I help you?"

"We're still deciding on what we're looking for, thanks," I said while trying to feel Joey out a little more.

"Will you stop that?" Joey suddenly said, looking up at me from the counter with a frown. "Shit, if you want to know something, ask. You don't have to do that empathic eyeball thing on me."

"Sorry," I said guiltily while digesting the information our brief eye contact had given me. "I though you might have been trying to... uhm... You know, top me."

Joey sighed, then looked up me with a sly grin and said, "I am. Just not with dollar signs. It has to be something really special. Something that describes what she means to me. The problem is nothing seems to do that for me except..."

He looked away after realizing he had said one word too much, then in an attempt to distract me from this, he said, "Lets try another store," and made his way out.

We didn't say much while checking out the next jeweler, or the third for that matter. But when we arrived at the fourth, Joey went straight to the counter he had been ignoring in the others, and that's when it all clicked in my head.

I hooked an arm over his shoulders and gave him an approving grin when he looked up from the engagement rings.

But instead of my grin encouraging him, Joey's frustration deepened, making him turn and walk out with a huff.

"Where we going?" I asked when I caught up with him.

"I don't know! Back to your place I guess."

"What about Suzi's gift?" I insisted.

"Fuck... All right!" he said angrily, reversing his direction and almost running into some woman loaded down with shopping bags.

I followed him back to the novelty store and didn't say a word as he picked out an untampered box of the board game we had looked at before and took it up to the checkout.

I waited until we were back in my car and on the way home before saying, "I think you picked the right gift, Joey."

He pulled the box out of the bag and looked at it again, then sighed, "It just doesn't... mean what I want it to..."

"I know, Joey. But it's a Christmas present. It's not supposed to express everything you feel for her. The day you give her the present that does, you'll make that day a whole separate holiday for both of you, you know?"

"I guess," Joey sighed. "I know she's not ready for that kind of present anyway. And shit... I guess I'm not either. But the last thing I expected was for you to be. You're supposed to talk me out of making rash decisions, not encourage them."

"Sorry," I said grinning. "Can I help it if I like being the best man in weddings?"

"Shit..."

Two days later, after seeing a movie together, Suzi, Joey and I went to a restaurant for dinner before the unveiling of the painting I had painted of the three of us.

While we were going over the menus, I looked up just as a blonde two tables in front of me looked up and our eyes met. A whole second must have ticked by before we both looked away, but I almost immediately glanced back and confirmed the blush on her cheeks I had felt begin to form.

After we ordered, I found myself periodically looking at her. I was physically located at the table so that my eyes just naturally looked that way whenever I looked up. It wouldn't have been so bad if every time I noticed, she noticed too.

She did have a sweet smile. And once, I caught her looking at me as well. I was seriously starting to consider talking to her, for she looked to be about eighteen and while her companion had her back to me, I had a feeling they were sisters because their body language was so similar.

"Why don't you bump into her on the way back from the restroom or something," Joey suggested as the two women were served their meal.

"Who?" I asked, honestly believing he couldn't have noticed the momentary glances I had made of the girl.

"You know who," Suzi said smiling.

I looked at her, then at Joey who also was smiling, but all I could do was shrug and say, "Nah."

"Why not?" Joey asked. "It's not like you're going to walk out of here with her for a one night stand."

"I'm just not... ready to start doing stuff like that again."

"Oh, come on, Timmy," Suzi said softly. "It's all perfectly innocent, and she seems interested."

"She does?" I said, glancing up and catching her looking at me again. "Well, maybe after she gets through eating..."

Our food came pretty soon after that, and while we ate, I had a hell of a time keeping my eyes from wandering back to the blonde who appeared to be enjoying her companion's company just as much as I was mine.

Joey and Suzi kept my attention busy by asking me questions about what I had been doing, and offered some topics of their own experiences at college. I was so comfortable in their presence, yet I felt I needed to keep some distance between us, which conflicted a lot with the bond we were trying to reform.

When the girl across the way pushed her plate forward as if to say "I'm done," I took two more quick bites of my mostaccioli before getting up and saying, "Well, I'll be right back... Maybe."

She never made eye contact as I walked towards her, so I just kept on going towards the bathroom like Joey had suggested earlier. As I passed her I noticed they had a baby in one of those portable baby beds on a chair between them, but the other woman at the table appeared to be older, so I assumed she was the mother.

I stalled for a few minutes inside the dimly lit bathroom, then washed my hands and proceeded to walk back towards my table.

As I approached her from the rear, I was shocked to see a cloud of smoke rising above her, and was dismayed when she turned her head slightly as she pulled her lit cigarette from her mouth and held it over the ashtray.

Now I don't really have a problem with smokers. It's their lungs, and despite the smoke clinging to their clothes and the odd taste to their kiss, I never really minded whether a girl smoked or not. I would be upset if someone I cared about started smoking, but I always tried to accept people as they are when I meet them, so if they smoked, they smoked.

But this girl had seemed very nice and clean... She even blushed, damnit! To see her puffing away on that tobacco stick just sort of ruined my image of her and my mood.

Her sister lit up one herself as I detoured around them and retook my seat, and after they finished their smoke, they got up to leave. When the baby started to fuss from being disturbed, it was the younger sister who picked it out of the bed and held it like the mother she apparently was.

The three of us just looked at each other, then after I shrugged, I said, "Come on. Let's go. I've been waiting all day to show you my painting."

I honestly didn't have another thought about the incident with the girl and her baby.

But Joey and Suzi did, and it was on their minds during the drive back to my place until I said, "You both know as well as I do there's more fish in the sea. Stop worrying. I didn't chicken out, I just decided not to go for it. There's a difference."

After that they must have picked up on my excitement about showing them my painting for they let the whole thing go.

"Tada!" I exclaimed while uncovering the portrait I had painted of the three of us.

"Oh Timmy! It's fantastic!" Suzi cooed. "You really painted this yourself?"

"I sure did. I haven't just been sitting around masturbating like some people would say," I joked. "I'd show you where the twins and I paint, but I still haven't cleaned up from finishing Joey's."

When Joey didn't make the expected comment from my indirect tease, I nudged him and said, "So... You like?"

"Huh? Yeah, I like. It's... Incredible," he said energetically.

But then a moment later with a sound of disheartedness he added softly, "Really incredible."

I threw him a questioning glance while Suzi studied the painting close up and she asked, "So what are you going to do with it?"

"What do you mean, do with it?" I replied while Joey shook his head, then stepped up beside Suzi to have a closer look himself.

"Well, were you planning on hanging it anywhere particular?"

"Uhm, well, not really. I figured it'd go in my room, somewhere. Why?"

"Oh, no reason really," she lied while putting an arm behind Joey and giving him a one handed hug.

"I can't get over how beautiful you made Suzi look," Joey said in awe.

"I don't know if I should be insulted or grateful by that," Suzi teased.

"It's like he painted you right after you fixed Donaldson's head that one night. You looked like you were on top of the world... With that playful look... That happy glow..."

"And look at you," Suzi pointed out. "That's exactly how you smile when you're having fun. Your sharp blue eyes... He even put in the way your cheeks redden when you smile a lot."

"They do?" he said, blushing as he looked at her a moment, then glanced back at me.

I nodded my confirmation, then let out a snicker as he grinned then suddenly felt his cheeks with his hands.

"It's a shame he messed his own image up," Suzi said.

"He did? Oh... Huh. Yeah, I guess he did, didn't he?"

"What do you mean I messed me up?" I said, stepping up and looking over Suzi's shoulder.

"Well, you never look at us like that any more," Suzi explained. "You used to, but now you're always so... uhm..."

"Reserved. Like you're afraid to let too much out," Joey finished for her.

"I don't mean to," I said honestly. "At least I don't mean to any more."

Suzi turned around, looked me in the eyes, and asked, "Why did you paint this, Timmy?"

"Why? I guess because I missed you two."

"I think you painted it because it made you feel better about not coming out to see us. You painted us like you wanted to think of us. Happy and having fun together. But we weren't happy, we weren't having fun, and because of you we weren't together."

"I... But... Shit..." I said, turning away to recompose myself after finding her comments striking too close to something I didn't want to explore.

"Timmy, what are you afraid of? Do you even know?" Suzi said, forcing me to turn to face her again.

"Suz... I'm sorry I didn't go see you, okay? I just... I didn't want..."

"Don't tell me the same story you told Joey because I don't believe it. You're still trying to avoid telling us something."

"I am not," I said honestly, then realized it wasn't entirely true after all.

"Now I know you're holding back something," she said, reading my eyes with precision.

"Suz... Don't," I said, again turning away, finding myself trembling slightly.

"Don't what, Timmy?" she said, wrapping her arms around me from behind. "Are you afraid of me?"

"No!"

The calm sternness in her voice evaporated as she said, "You are..." then in an increasingly emotional voice she asked, "Why are you afraid of me, Timmy? TELL ME!"

The emotion in her voice triggered my own to cascade within me, and suddenly the truth I had been struggling to deny to myself and everyone else began to slip through my lips like the tears suddenly springing from eyes and flowing down my cheeks...

"I still love her Suz," I choked out. "I don't want to feel that close to anyone else until... Until I prove to her that I love her more than anything else in my life... But whenever I'm with you or Joey..."

"How does not letting yourself get close to us again prove anything to her?" Suzi interrupted. "You don't think she expects you to not have feelings for others when she's not even around, do you?"

"No, but there's more to it than that."

I turned around to face them, taking a hand from each of them and saying, "Some nights I think I'm going mad from needing sex so badly... And other nights I'm just lonely for the lack of... intimacy. I just know the more time I spend with you two the harder it will be to resist... Resist making love with you..."

"That's why you've pushed us away?" Joey asked. "Because you're afraid we'd talk you into having sex with us?"

"No..." I sighed while wiping my face with the back of my hands. "I'm afraid I'll WANT to have sex with you two because... Because of our history together for one thing. And because you know me so well, it'd be hard for me to step back for some space without you picking up on it and hurting your feelings if I told you why."

"You just never learn, do you?" Suzi said while hugging me again. "All you ever had to do was explain it to us. Now that we know what you really want, we'll make sure it never goes that far. And if you have to distance yourself from us once in a while, that'll be a lot easier to deal with than not having you around at all."

"I don't think it'll be that simple," I said honestly.

"Neither do I," Joey objected. "I mean, I'll do what you want, but..."

"But what?" Suzi asked when I didn't.

Joey let out a huff of frustration, then said to her, "Well, for starters, if he..."

Suzi stopped him and turned him towards me before sitting down on one of the chairs in the room.

Joey hesitated a moment before asking me, "I just don't understand why you haven't even tried looking for her if you really feel that way about her."

"I want to," I admitted. "But I know her, Joey. I think she'd run if I tried to contact her before she's ready. I don't really know the exact reason she left, but I think part of it was because she was scared she'd break her promise to her mother out of love for me... Sort of like what I'm afraid will happen if I spent too much time with you two."

"So you're willing to avoid having a life of your own in hopes she eventually come looking for you and find you've been faithful to her? How long are you going to wait if she doesn't?"

"I don't know," I said feeling my own frustration rising. "I guess I'll wait until she's eighteen, then if I haven't heard from her by then, I'll go looking for her. But I can't imagine her going that long without at least a phone call or something."

"Shit, Tim... You really want her that bad?" Joey asked after a few moments of careful consideration.

"As much or more as you do Suzi," I said softly yet full of emotion.

"What do you think, Suz?" Joey said, glancing over at her.

"I don't think we have a choice," Suzi said. "We either pledge to not allow our feelings to grow beyond being friends for the next three years, or..."

"Or we don't see him except during holidays, if even then," Joey concluded for her.

"It's only two years, two months, and... three days," I corrected. "And I'm not sure a pledge would be enough."

"Don't you want to spend time with us?" Suzi asked.

"Of course I do," I sighed. "But even now my wanting to stay faithful to Jennifer is seriously struggling with my urges to... get it on with either of you, if you know what I mean."

I watched as they had a brief telepathic discussion with each other, and for a few moments I was completely distracted by the fact I could get the gist of what they were thinking to each other just by watching for key symbols in their telepathic streams.

My attention was brought back to the topic at hand when Joey inserted a stream of symbols into Suzi's mind, then Suzi did the same to Joey a moment later.

Before they could say anything, I probed Suzi to see what the command was, then said, "That wouldn't slow me down at all if I really wanted to have sex with you."

"It isn't supposed to," Suzi explained. "It's to prevent accidents from happening, not to stop you if you completely lose control."

"And we're not done yet," Joey added. "Only by giving up Jennifer forever will you be able to undo our commands."

"Shit," Suzi complained when her attempt to insert the commands Joey was speaking failed to reach my mind.

"If I hadn't known you were going to do that, I'd probably be pretty upset right now," I said, covering up the painting for lack of anything else to distract them with. "I know you mean well, but part of what I want to prove to Jennifer is that I don't need anything but my feelings for her to keep me... faithful to her. I have to do that on my own.

"But," I added while turning around to face them again. "You two have made me realize that I can't keep hiding from temptation if I really want to prove anything to her. So if its okay with you two, can we just drop the subject and go do something fun?"

They looked at each other, then Joey asked, "Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said with mischievous grin. "Maybe something a little slippery."

"And maybe something a little dirty, in a clean way?" Joey said, catching on.

"And is this something a close contact kind of sport?" Suzi sighed.

"The closer the better, I always say," I confirmed.

"And I just had my hair done," Suzi sighed again as she stood up and lead the way out.

It's amazing what fifty gallons of mud can do for a friendship like ours. First Suzi and I ganged up on Joey, then Joey and Suz ganged up on me, then Joey and I ganged up on Suz... I think we went through three or four cycles of that before Suzi almost fell asleep while laying on top of Joey, resting, after unsuccessfully trying to pull him off balance to help free me from underneath him. By the time we pulled our sorry asses out of the mud and headed for the showers, I felt completely at ease with them, in sync with them, almost like the last two and a half years hadn't happened.

I was overwhelmed when I realized the large emotional weight which had been holding me back since Jennifer left was gone. I could barely contain myself long enough to reach Suzi and hug her before letting my happy tears and rather loud sobs flow.

Joey at some point put his arms around both of us to keep us on our feet after Suzi wobbled a bit too much from my extra weight. I blubbered out to Suz that she had been right, that she always had been right that by telling her and Joey my problems, we'd always find a way to fix them, and swore I'd never keep anything like that from them again.

That's the last thing I remember from that night. I woke up the next morning in my bed with my best friend spooned up against my backside. But instead of moving away from his close contact like I had every morning before, I snuggled back against him, then grinned at the concept of teasing his arriving morning hardon with my ass, knowing I could without any fear of it leading somewhere I didn't want to go.

"Timmy! Timmy! Ho-Ho was here!" my baby brother exclaimed extremely early Christmas morning, right in my ear.

"UhG" I groaned, rolling away from his chirpy irritating baby voice and covering my head up with one of the pillows on my bed.

"Timmy... TIMMY!"

"What!!" I exclaimed rather grouchily through the pillows.

"Timmy??" he mewed.

I sighed, then rolled back towards him again, only to find him halfway up on the bed already. I helped him up, then was shocked to find he was as cold as ice.

"You're freezing... Get under the covers with me," I ordered.

"But Ho-Ho," Richie complained weakly as he complied, plastering his cold skin against my bare chest.

I shivered as I checked the time, then said "Dang, Richie... It's only five o'clock. You'll never get dad out of bed this early."

"I been good for Ho-Ho," Richie said, looking up at me with sparkles in his eyes. "I saw. Ho-Ho was here."

"Did you see... Lots of pretty boxes?"

"Uh-huh."

"And the big red socks all full with candy?"

"Uh-huh. And Ho-Ho ate his cookies," Richie said laying his head down on my breast. "Can we g'see's the bunnies eat theirs?"

"Reindeer, Richie. Remember? And no, it's too early to go outside."

"Bunnies," he stubbornly yawned as he snaked his hands underneath me to warm them.

I carefully probed his mind to find out what all he had done during his early morning reconnaissance. Besides tugging down a "red sockie" and filling his gut with the sweets inside, most of his time had been just walking from my parents room, to the study, then to my room.

I was nearly giggling when I probed for how he had managed to get up to this floor. He just jumped up and pressed all four buttons on the elevator, then just sat there in the elevator eating some more of his heist until the elevator stopped at the right floor... the third time.

"I told mom she should have barricaded the door to keep you from wandering around the house for Santa. How long have you been up? An hour? Two?

"Richie?

"Figures," I sighed softly. "And now I'm wide awake, of course."

But then next thing I knew, I awoke to Richie exploring the insides of my mouth with his fingers.

I was just about to try and suck his hand in when he pulled it away.

His eyes sparked again looking in mine as he said, "Ho-Ho was here."

"I know he was," I said while catching a bit of the old Christmas morning excitement myself.

Richie wasn't really excited about the presents and sweets that older children dream about. That was the first Christmas he'd take part in, so he knew nothing of the pleasures of tearing colorful paper off of mysterious boxes. He was a Christmas virgin, so to speak. His excitement was mainly from the magical nature of Santa Claus visiting during the night. The fact that Ho-Ho left gifts for him was secondary to the so called realism of one of the fairy stories read to him at night had come to life.

I put on the special Christmas robe my dad had gotten everyone, then we went to Richie's room to get his. Richie wouldn't put it on until I let him take off his rubber pants and undershorts, and then he got this look in his eye...

"I'm daddy," he said seriously when he got a hard on and it poked out of his robe.

He then proceeded to crack me up by proudly strutting around with his little pencil dick bouncing up and down between the gap of his robe.

I don't think I've mentioned that my dad and Richie both have dark hair, and while my own certainly wasn't blonde any more, it was definitely lighter than theirs. The older Richie got, the more he really resembled me at the same age, but with his dark hair matching my dad's perfectly, he really did look like a smaller version of my dad strutting around with a hard on.

When we finally got down to the study where the big Christmas tree with all the gifts underneath was, Richie went straight to the newly installed fireplace, jumped up and knocked the gas key off its hook, inserted the key into its hole in the floor, twisted it until the auto lighter started clicking, then waited until the fire flared up before removing the key and very carefully put it back on its hook, having to stand on his tiptoes just to reach it.

After giving him the standard scolding while hiding my pride for his showing his smarts, I led him over to the presents and tried getting him interested in guessing what was in them.

But he was more interested in learning whose present was for who rather than their contents, and without any help from me beyond reading the labels out loud for him many times, he learned to read "Richie", "Tim", "Twins", "Joy", "Honey", "Mom", "Dad", "Charles", and "Sam".

When that finally got old, I decided we'd waited long enough for "Charles" and "Sam" to get up, especially when I realized it was nearly nine o'clock already. So after Richie picked out a few pieces of candy to take with him, we headed off for the master bedroom.

I think I was as disappointed as Richie when we found their bed empty. The plan was to toss Richie on the bed between them and let Richie kiss them silly, smearing the chocolate off his face onto theirs.

So to keep the element of surprise, I didn't probe for their locations, just did it the old fashioned way. I called Sherman and asked if he knew where they were. Heh.

Sherman didn't know where my mom was, but my dad was eating breakfast in the main dining room. I wondered why my mom wasn't eating with him, but figured she probably went to check on us, which as it turned out was right... Sort of.

"MommY! Ho-Ho was here!" Richie exclaimed when she appeared down the hall while we were making our way back to the study where I expected her to be.

"Yes, I saw. And it looks like you've already had some of Ho-Ho's sweets?"

Richie pulled out a red foil wrapped chocolate Kiss from a pocket in his robe and held it up to her.

"Mommy wanna kiss?"

"Do I get to choose what kind?" she asked while picking him up.

"Uh huh."

"Then I'll take... this kind," she said before kissing him on his pursed lips.

"Good?" he asked after doing his best to smear his lips across hers.

"Very chocolaty", she said with amusement, then laughed when he tried to do it again. "Now stop... I don't want to get fat from your sweet kisses."

"Heh. And I thought you couldn't get fat that way," I said before giving her a kiss on her cheek.

"I can get fat on anything," she sighed.

"Sam, I need'a potty," Richie slyly announced.

"Sam, huh?" my mom said while giving me an accusing look.

"He wanted to know what the labels on the presents said, and when he noticed that es ay em wasn't the same as em oh em, I told him why," I explained.

"Noo... Em oh em EM WHY," Richie corrected.

"Oh yeah, smarty pants? Ho-Ho has reindeer," I teased.

"Bunnies, Tee I em em why" he teased back.

"Shit," I gasped.

"Timothy..." my mom growled.

"Sorry... But I didn't... I mean, all my presents are labeled Tim, not Timmy. He must have figured that out all by himself."

"Oh, don't give him so much credit," she said, pointing to the Timmy embroidered on my Christmas robe.

"Es ay em ay em tee... uhm... uhm... Richie... Are... I... see... uhm... aych... Aych. Es ay em ay em tee aych ay... Sam-am-cha Timmy?"

"Samantha," I corrected before giving him a kiss on the cheek. "That was so see oh oh el cool, Richie."

"Coo'w," he repeated softly, then looked at mom with a bashful smile before hugging her the rest of the way to the nearest bathroom.

I went back to the study, and as I studied some of the larger gifts with my name on them, the twins showed up, one dressed in an all red outfit, the other in all green. Until that morning, I had purposely avoided looking to see how many were mine, figuring most of them would be Richie's since I pretty much bought anything I wanted for myself. But while going through them with Richie earlier I quickly realized that a lot of them were mine, and I was perplexed as to what they all could be. And the twins weren't helping by letting me know they knew what each gift I inspected was.