Adventures of Billy

by 2 flags

Tags: Humor,

Desc: Humor Story: Billy is a little shit! Find out what happens when the family goes to the local DIY store.

B&Q

Billy was 12yrs old and the youngest of six children. They were Karen, Paul, Mary Tony, Peter and of course, Billy. His Father, David worked as a lorry driver for a large transport company. His mother worked on the checkouts at Tesco’s. There are two grandchildren in the family, Alfie, 2 and June, six months. They are Karen’s children. She lives with her partner Bob.

Karen and Bob had just bought their own place, a nice little three bedroomed house that had been owned by an old couple and badly needed updating. They had decided to do the kitchen first as it hadn’t been updated since the house was built in 1953. Billy had offered to help strip the kitchen as it meant he could wear his oldest clothes and Bob had promised him he could smash the old kitchen units up with the sledgehammer!

They all piled into Bob’s car, a 2002 Vauxhall Vectra estate, Billy sat in the back, firmly wedged between two car seats, and made their way to B&Q. They were wandering around, looking at the various displays when a young salesman came over to ask if he could help.

They said they were looking for a new kitchen, to which the young man’s eyes lit up. It had been a quiet week and if things did not pick up, then his end of month bonus would suffer. Billy was bored. All this talk of fitting, units, cupboards and cookers did not interest him, he just wanted to know when he could lay into those old units with the sledgehammer. Little Alfie started to get restless and fidgety on his father’s lap. Billy offered to take him for a look around the store.

“Okay, but, do not, I repeat do not let him play with any paint, saws, chisels or anything else that will cut, bruise or harm. I do not want him back all blooded and painted. Do you understand?” Bob told him in no uncertain terms. He had had previous experience of Billy and knew what he was capable of.

“Yes Bob, understood. No mess of any kind.” Billy replied with an angelic smile upon his face, as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.

Alfie eagerly took Billy’s hand and they set off around the store. Alfie idolised Billy. They looked at the power tools, Billy careful to ensure that Alfie didn’t touch anything sharp. Bob, at 6’4’’, was not the sort of man you wanted to get on the wrong side of. Big bloke was Bob. It was then they found the wheelbarrows. Billy had great fun loading Alfie into the barrow, then racing round the store as fast as he could. Alfie squealed with delight. It was always fun with Billy. The fun stopped when a sour-faced woman came over to them and told Billy to stop messing with the goods! It was just after that Alfie announced that he needed ‘po-po’s.

Billy went back to the sour-faced woman and asked “Excuse me, but have you a toilet here?”

The woman looked at him with his worn out, tatty clothes and his, what she assumed to be his runny-nosed little brother [after all, when was the last time you saw a little boy that didn’t have a runny nose?] and told him “No, our toilets are just for the staff.”

Had she known Billy, she may just have been worried at the way his eyes hardened at this, as it was she just ignored what she assumed to be two ragamuffin children and went about her business.

Billy looked around and saw to his delight a wonderful bathroom display. Leading Alfie by the hand he took him over to where the most expensive suite he could find was. He looked round to see if anyone was watching and seeing the coast was clear, pulled Alfie’s trousers down and sat him on the loo.

It was the smell that first announced that there may be a problem followed by the dulcet tones of a young child stridently announcing proudly to the world “Mummy, Daddy, done po-po’s.”

A stunned silence seemed to settle on the store. The sour-faced woman looked over and went ashen. It was her department. Bob, Karen and the young kitchen salesman looked up and saw Billy, with that look on his face, Alfie sat proudly on the throne and the sour-faced woman striding over toward them with a face like thunder.

“You little bastards. What the hell do you think you are doing?” she screamed as she made her way over towards the children with murder on her mind.

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Story tagged with:
Humor /