Chapter 8

Alicia’s roommate was out for the night, so there were no awkward questions to answer about her bruised face and arm when she got back to her room. After a long, hot shower, Alicia dressed in a plain gray nightshirt and white cotton panties. She double-checked the lock on her door, climbed into her twin bed, and turned to face the painted cinder block wall.

There was an ugliness growing inside her. It had weakened her somehow. Alicia had always considered herself strong, but now the idea of facing Dillon in Sociology made her physically ill from fear. The idea of others finding out how stupid she’d been left her shaking. That confidence she’d possessed all her life had suddenly blown away like morning mist. She had no idea how to get it back.

Painful thoughts circled endlessly. Megan’s utter rejection. Dillon’s cruel rape. Her own guilt about using Adam and Carlos for her own pleasure. The spiral of self-hate swirled around her until she felt crushed by it. There was no spark of light to show her the way out. In those darkest hours before morning, Alicia seriously considered how she might permanently end her misery.

By the time the sun crept in through the curtained window, the acute pain had been replaced with a throbbing ache. Alicia’s swollen face was still crusty from dried snot and tears, just like she was dried up inside. Her mouth was a desert and her tongue was a leather sack. Despite her intense discomfort, the thought of rising to get a drink of water was too hard to consider. So she stayed in bed, faced the wall, and hated herself.

Three sharp, rapid knocks on the door startled her enough to flench, but she didn’t move.

“Alicia! Open up. I know you’re in there,” Megan called through the locked door.

Fresh pain bubbled up through the cracks in her heart at the sound of that voice. I’m Alicia, the total whore.

“If you don’t open this door I’m gonna get your R. A. to let me in.”

Alicia hadn’t moved in hours. The arm she was laying on was so asleep it didn’t even tingle anymore. The lines and imperfections on the brick wall blurred in her vision.

The sound of a key in the lock sped her heart, but she refused to move. Focusing on the wall, Alicia bit her lower lip and squeezed her unswollen eye shut. The door burst open behind her and she heard a sharp intake of breath.

“Oh, baby, what did he do to you?” Megan crooned as she gently pulled at Alicia’s shoulder to peer at her face. The Resident Assistant who’d opened the door glanced in and quickly stepped back out with a distressed expression.

“Go away,” Alicia croaked as she jerked her shoulder free of Megan’s grip.

Megan placed her hand on Alicia’s shoulder again, this time even softer. “Please let me help—”

Alicia rolled backwards with her face twisted in rage. “Don’t touch me!”

Megan flinched away, her expression showing confusion and pain. “I only want to help.”

Hate boiled over. “Help? Why would you want to help Alicia, the total whore? I dragged you off and forced you to have sex, remember? You were so scared!” Alicia gestured to her face and body as her raspy throat tightened before she spat out, “Just like I was last night!”

While Alicia ranted, Megan slowly knelt by the bed and broke down in heaving sobs. “I’m sorry!”

“Sorry?” Alicia’s voice cracked from the emotion as she eased around on the edge of the bed. “I heard you lie to Liz about what happened between us. It didn’t sound like you were sorry to me. It sounded like you were ashamed.”

Megan gasped through her tears when she finally saw all the damage Dillon had done. “Oh my God! Have you been to Health Services yet?”

The pain suddenly caught up to her despite the rage that had briefly pushed it away. Dizzy, she cradled her arm and looked down to hide her face behind a curtain of hair. “I don’t need them. I don’t need you. Just leave.”

“She’s in here,” Alicia heard a woman say from the hallway just before someone she didn’t know walked in and gasped.

“Alicia Tucker, right?” the older woman said as recovered from her shock. “I’m Gloria Harris, your Resident Director.”

Alicia looked up at the three people crowding in her small dorm room. “Can you please all leave?” she whispered as emotion closed her throat.

The older woman ignored her request. “Is it true Dillon McGregor did this?”

Tears slipped away from Alicia’s eyes at the mere mention of his name. “Just go. Please?”

Megan sat next to Alicia and put an arm around her shoulder to steady her. Gloria knelt down and took both of her hands.

“You’re not alone,” she said as she ducked down to meet Alicia’s eyes.

Alicia shivered while her head spun. “How did you find out?” she asked Megan.

“Some jackass in Dillon’s dorm posted a video from last night when you set off your rape alarm,” Megan said.

“Oh God,” Alicia said and covered her face. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

She’d been naked as she’d huddled on the floor out in the hallway. She’d always been so careful about nude pictures over the years. And Dillon had been yelling that she’d attacked him. Nausea swelled in her stomach as she lurched from the bed. Megan followed her into the bathroom and held her hair back while Alicia gagged over the toilet.

Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, Alicia sat back on the cold tile floor. “Why are you here?” she asked Megan.

“Because ... because I love you.”

“It’s too late,” she whispered in confusion as she rested her head against the wall. “I’m all broken now.”

“We need to get her to Health Services to see if she’s got a concussion,” Gloria said as she dug through Alicia’s drawers and pulled out a pair of sweatpants. “Between the disorientation and nausea, she’s presenting too many symptoms to ignore.”

Gloria got Alicia standing while Megan slipped her sweatpants on and got her flip-flops. Then Gloria and Megan guided her down the hall, past other students watching from their doorways. Alicia tried to hide her face by looking down and focusing on taking steps. She couldn’t hide from the whispers.

While they waited for an elevator, a student Alicia didn’t know approached them. She was dressed in a nightshirt and wearing fuzzy slippers. When Alicia looked up, the woman’s angry expression brought tingles of fear.

“Dillon did it to me, too,” the woman said. “No one could prove anything, so he got away with it.”

“Not right now, Rachel,” Gloria said gently.

“It’s not fair that he can do this over and over and no one will do anything!” Angry tears filled her eyes. “Look at her! He hit her so hard her eye is swollen shut! Are you going to do something now?”

“Yes, something will be done,” she said, but her words lacked conviction.

Alicia whimpered and shivered at tone of their exchange, missing the clear meaning in her dizziness. The elevator door opened at that moment and Megan helped her inside. Gloria pushed the button and they rode down to the first floor in silence. Alicia leaned back against the wall and tried to focus past the throbbing in her head.

Gloria had an electric cart plugged in at the dorm entrance. She helped Alicia into the back seat and Megan put her arm around her for the drive to the Health Services building. Megan kept murmuring in Alicia’s ear, sweet words that soothed and eased her fear. The bright morning light forced her eyes closed. She was startled awake when the cart jerked to a stop.

“Come on, Alicia, we’re here.” Gloria carefully eased Alicia to her feet.

The rest of the morning passed in a blur. There were endless questions, the prick of an IV needle, the cool relief of sedation, and pictures of every bruise taken as evidence. Through it all Megan held her hand until Alicia curled in a ball on the paper covered clinic bed. She slept off and on, only waking when she was helped off to get a x-ray and when the nurses came to check her vitals.

There came a moment, later in the day, when Alicia realized she was thinking clearly again. Megan was sitting on a chair next to the bed with her head resting on the crinkly paper. Alicia bit her lip while examining Megan’s sleeping profile. It still hurt to recall what Megan had said, but now it was almost like the sedative stood between her and the pain those words caused.

She reached over to touch Megan’s hair. The soft waves obscured part of her face, so Alicia tucked them back. She remembered waking with Megan naked beside her, her face relaxed this same way. The scent of their sex had been overpowered by the warm scent of her as Alicia nuzzled through her soft hair to kiss her neck.

Tears came again, but this time at the sweet memory of loving her friend. Of nights full of giggles and sighs and groans of pleasure. Of the long hours exploring and teasing. Of giving herself to Megan without holding anything back.

No wonder I’d been afraid. She’d spent years building the casual armor she always wore, but had been stripped bare each time they’d come together. Megan had probably felt the same connection. The same vulnerability. The same fear.

Megan’s eyes fluttered open, the momentary confusion of waking in a strange place making her brows dip. Then she opened her eyes wide as she caught sight of Alicia staring at her and crying.

“Are you okay?” Megan asked in a rush, wiping away the tears with her thumb.

“Not yet, but I will be.” The words slipped out without thinking, but Alicia felt their truth just the same.

“I was so worried,” Megan said, her voice breaking over unshed tears. “And I’m so sorry about all the things I said last night. Please say you’ll forgive me.”

“Tell me why,” Alicia demanded, already guessing the answer.

“I wasn’t ready to admit how I felt about us being together. It was easier to blame you.” Megan looked away and wiped her nose. “You would come to me, and then push me away. Over and over. I never knew how you really felt until last night.” She looked back at Alicia with a long look. “I’d never considered telling my family we were more than friends before.”

“I was scared too,” Alicia whispered as she continued to run her hand over Megan’s hair. “Not about people knowing about us, but about how vulnerable I felt around you. When I heard you lie to Liz about what happened, it felt like you were peeling off my skin.”

Megan leaned closer and rested her forehead against Alicia’s forehead. They stayed connected like that with their eyes closed for a long moment. Megan finally whispered, “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Alicia shivered. The sedative made it easier to reflect on what happened with Dillon, but it was still a struggle to get the words out.

“He texted me after I dropped off Alex and Carlos. We agreed to meet in his room.” Nausea rose but she pushed on. “I kissed him first and then he forced me to suck him off. When he forced me onto his bed, he didn’t have a condom. I told him to put one on or I was leaving, but he hit me across the face and fucked me anyway.”

Megan’s face reflected the horror Alicia felt. Megan whispered, “This is my fault, isn’t it.”

“No.” Alicia looked away. “I went because I felt dirty and worthless. Because of what I’ve done, not because of you.”

“Sleeping with people doesn’t make you dirty,” Megan said with a dismissive shake of her head. “You’ve said that forever and I know you mean it.”

“But I hurt you.” Alicia felt her other secret burning at her lips. She didn’t want Adam and Carlos to get dragged into her mess.

“There has to be more to it than that.” Megan studied Alicia’s face as if she already knew. “You know can tell me anything. I won’t judge you.”

“But you already have,” Alicia whispered before she could stop the words.

Megan drew her brows up in confusion. “What are you talking—” Her eyes opened wide and she gasped. “Adam and Carlos.”

Fresh tears rose as she nodded. “I did more than just tutor them.”

Megan’s face blanked. She stared at Alicia for a long moment. “I don’t understand.”

Alicia let out a sad laugh. “I don’t either. They’re not really ... attached to me, personally, I mean. They see me as some kind of sex teacher. I think now that they’re interested in Liz and Fiona, nothing will happen again.”

“If you reverse the genders, a college guy and a pair of girls that young,” Megan stopped and pinched her lips together.

“I know,” Alicia moaned. “I know it’s wrong.”

“You’ve always railed about creeps going after jailbait, of the power inequity in those relationships and the inability to properly consent.”

“I know,” Alicia cried and covered her face as she drew away. “I’m a fucking creep, Meg, but it was so amazing.”

“At what cost?” Meg hissed. “What happens when Madeline finds out? You know guys that age can’t keep their fucking mouths shut about anything. She will flip the fuck out and probably call the cops!”