Chapter 2

Carmen had both cleaned herself and the room around her before heading to the stairs. It had taken over an hour. She was worn out. It had come as a surprise to her about what Tim had wanted, and even more of a surprise that he had obviously tried to make her feel good, too. Otherwise he wouldn’t have rubbed her, she thought.

It was a slow tired ascent of the stairs, and she had nearly passed her brother’s room when she heard a small sound from within it.

She hesitated, stopped, raised her hand to knock.

‘Tim?’ Carmen called softly to her brother.

‘You can come in, ‘ he called, and his demeanour and voice was so unusual that she did.

The first thing Carmen saw when she walked into her brother’s room was the empty lemonade pitcher. It was on its side in the middle of the floor.

The next thing she saw was Tim. He was sitting on the floor too, a very odd thing for him, with his back to the door.

Carmen walked over cautiously, and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

‘Tim?’ She whispered. She couldn’t see his face.

‘I’m sorry, Carmen, ‘ he said, which was another odd thing. He hadn’t spoken to her with affection and repentance in years.

She leaned over to get a look at his face.

He had been crying. His face was red and eyes bloodshot. He kept his gaze trained on the ground when she looked at him.

Since she also knew he was drunk, Carmen decided to speak out of turn.

‘What is it, Tim? What do you mean?’

He buried his face in his hands.

‘I’m never going to be enough! They want so much from me, but I don’t want it. I want something they don’t want for me.’

Tim was referring to their parents, and his law school.

‘I find it so difficult to do what they want from me. It’s made me do bad things. It’s made me ruin my life. It’s made me hurt you, Carmen, for years, and I never wanted to hurt you! You’re my little sister, and I love you. I should just die. I’m never going to be able to do what they want. You must hate me. I should just die.’

‘No, no, ‘ Carmen said, distressed. She put her fingers under her brother’s chin and gently coaxed his face up so he was looking at her. ‘No, Tim, you should NOT “just die.” I do not hate you. I thought you hated me!’ She paused, looking for the right words, gazing into her brother’s amber eyes. ‘You don’t have to do what our parents want for you. You haven’t ruined your life. You can change it and make it whatever you want.’

He began to cry again, quietly.

‘I’ve been so bad to you, ‘ he moaned. ‘Worse than bad. I’ve done unforgivable things. I can never take them back.’

Carmen said, ‘Tim, you need to go to bed. You need to sleep. It’s better to think about these things in the morning with a clear head.’

He nodded, child-like, and got to his feet. If it hadn’t been for Carmen, he would have gone to bed completely clothed. But she helped him remove his shoes and belt and vest, and tucked him into bed.

She felt bad for him. Was this really the reason he had been so changed these past years? Pressure, from their parents? She really hoped it was true.

‘Carmem?’ Almost at the door, she heard her brother’s slurred, sleepy voice. ‘Carmen, please stay with me.’

‘All right, ‘ she agreed, and went to drag a chair over to the bedside when he said, ‘No, come in with me. Sleep next to me. Please?’

She hesitated. He was being so earnest, almost innocent, polite, nice. She saw who he had been.

It was not a difficult decision for her. She took off the red dress and laid it carefully on the chair, climbing into bed next to Tim in her underdress.

He immediately wrapped her up in his arms, nuzzling his face into her hair.

Within seconds, he was asleep.

Now Carmen was puzzled. He showed true affection and remorse now. What would it be like in the morning? She hoped he would still be back to himself.

In the meantime, she tucked her face into Tim’s shoulder and her body into his, and slept next to the man she loved, hoping it was not a mistake to keep faith in him.

Carmen awoke to the light touch of a hand on her shoulder. She blinked awake, wanting to stay warm and snuggled and safe next to the man beside her, but knowing she could not.

She was almost surprised to be staring into her brother’s eyes when she awoke; but then the events of the previous night came back to her.

Tim’s eyes were open for once, and he was staring back at his sister’s with a sad kind of affection.

‘Tim?’ Carmen struggled to sit up. ‘What is it?’

‘Nothing. Please lie back down. We should talk.’

She didn’t question him for a second and lay as before, facing him, on her side.

‘You need to tell me why you hate yourself so much, ‘ she said. ‘Is it really because of what Mother and Daddy want?’

He bypassed her question at first, saying, ‘They didn’t come home last night, and Father was supposed to be home last night. I guess they checked into a hotel to make love all night.’

Carmen’s eyebrows rose. It was seldom he said such things about their parents.

‘Tim, please tell me what’s been bothering you for so long.’

He sighed, and looked her in the eyes.

‘It’s Mother and Daddy, ‘ he agreed, ‘but it’s also you--but mostly me.’

Carmen was very confused.

‘What have I done to pressure you?’

‘You haven’t, sister.’ He sighed again, rolling onto his back and clasping his hands over his stomach, staring up at the ceiling. ‘I’ll try to explain as best I can.’

There was a long pause, and then he said, ‘Many years ago, when we were both very small, I realized something. I didn’t love you as a brother should. I’m not saying that I loved you inadequately as a sibling; what I mean to say is that I loved you for more than a sibling. I know how wrong that is, how I shouldn’t, how evil it is. I knew you adored me as an older brother, as a sibling. And I felt pressured by our parents to become something I’m not.’ Tim took a long breath.

‘I hated myself. I thought I was evil, devil’s spawn. I thought that I would never amount to anything good, not with the love I felt for you. So I tried to push you away from me. I tried to push everyone away from me. I ordered you around, said mean things, did terrible things. Somewhere along the way some of my depraved desires became fulfilled through my horrid mistreatment of you. None of my feelings were going away. I didn’t expect them to; instead I became, worse, the person I expected to become, sooner or later.’

He turned and looked straight at her.

‘Carmen, I love you like no brother should, and I’m afraid of it. I’m evil because of it, and no matter how I’ve prayed, it hasn’t gone away. Please stay away from me. I’ll only hurt you like last night if you stay close to me.’

She was crying now, silently.

‘Tim, no. You’re not evil. I know people don’t like it, loving like that. The only reason I’ve stuck around is that I love you--like no sister should. I thought I was getting my just-desserts for it when you were so horrid to me, and I was sure you hated me, so I followed everything you said to try to repent.’

Tim began to cry too, and he reached out his arms and they clung to each other.

‘You can change it, ‘ she whispered. ‘Just tell Mother and Daddy. If they don’t like it we can move.’

‘We?’ He said.

‘Yes, I’ll be going with you. Remember, I’m going to have your baby someday.’

‘No, I said that thinking I was evil. You don’t have to, Carmen.’

‘But I will, and I want to.’

Tim drew back, and kissed her gently on the mouth.

‘Carmen, I’m so sorry for how bad to you I’ve been. I won’t blame you if you can never forgive me for what I’ve done to you. Especially last night. I shouldn’t have made you do that for the boys, and I definitely should not have taken you for the first time in such a crude way. I wanted our first time to be soft and loving. All our times to be soft and loving.’

‘So you dreamt about making love to me?’ She breathed.

‘Every night since I was thirteen or so.’

Considering the circumstances, she felt silly to ask such a question, but...

‘Was yesterday your first time, too?’

Tim’s face fell.

‘No. I drove myself mad trying to get you out of my head. I’ve been with two other girls before, trying to forget the feelings I have for you, but they were nothing. You are the first to count, and the last. I’ve never gone in uncovered before, either, ‘ he admitted. ‘I like being inside you with nothing separating us.’

‘There are things that can separate us?’ She asked, confused.

‘Yes, but that doesn’t matter now. You never have to do anything like that with me again, Carmen. I’ll never force you to do something ever again.’

‘Tim, ‘ she said, ‘I do forgive you. I can understand why you did it, why you were mean to me, and I forgive you.’

Carmen paused, then leaned in and kissed him softly.