Chapter 9: Thursday Morning, Tara

Editor’s Note:
The next document is a photocopy of a page from the journal of Tara Freeman

Thursday, December, 2nd

So yesterday, Dad made me sit down with Doctor K and talk about me as opposed to talking about Bec, which is who we’ve been talking about for most of the week – or should that be whom. Sheesh, I hope I’m not getting graded on my grammar for this.

The Doc was cool. He wanted me to talk about how I’d been coping with everything since Monday. I tried to do that but it came out all garbled. So he told me he wanted me to keep a little journal type thing for a while where I wrote down what I was doing and what I was thinking. He said it would help me get a better grip on what was going on around me.

I’m not really a journal kind of person. Bec’s the journaler in the family (is journaler a word? I can’t say journalist because obviously that means something completely different). Bec fills up entire notebooks every week. I tried keeping a journal once. I wrote two entries in it and never touched it again. But the Doc says if I do this it will help me so I’ll give it a go.

So today is Thursday. This morning Dad said I should go back to school. I haven’t been back since I used the f-word at Miss Webster on Monday. I did that because she suspended Bec for putting that Hannah girl in her place.

Bec totally thrashed Hannah Fargo – right in front of half the school. It was epic.

I’d even warned Hannah the week before to back off from pushing Bec around because she wouldn’t like the consequences. Did she listen to me? Of course not. So she got what she deserved. I don’t get why people think Bec is this meek quiet little thing. I mean, sure, she behaves like that most of the time but she has a limit and you better make sure you don’t push her past that limit or watch out. So I figure Hannah learned her lesson. She better have learned it, anyway. If she’s too stupid to back off after that, then Bec’s just gonna do it all over again. You can bet the house on that.

So Bec and me ended up being sent home after lunch on Monday. Then everything else happened and Bec ended up in a padded room at the hospital with a police guard on her door. And I got to spend the night in hospital being observed because of the bump on my head and all of that but they sent me home in the morning and told me to rest. And Dan punched the wall because he was angry with himself for not being there for us and wrecked his hand. And Mum did a Lady Macbeth – except that Lady Macbeth was evil and Mum isn’t (mostly).

So Mum went crazy and spent hours in the bathroom trying to scrub herself clean to the point where she was scrubbing the skin off her hands. That really freaked me out because somehow I ended up being the one who was looking after her and nothing I could do stopped her from hurting herself. And that freaked me out, watching Mum scrub her hands like that until they bled. So Dad ended up bringing Mum into the hospital where they could sedate her and stop her from hurting herself. And that freaked me out – seeing Mum just lying there like that, all drugged up to the gills.

So, from then on, I left it up to Nana to look after Mum and I decided I would only look after Angie because I know how to do that. Angie really needs looking after too, because she’s kind of gone babyish since Monday, sucking her thumb and not talking properly and wanting to be carried everywhere and not using the potty when she needs to. We ended up putting her back into nappies. I mean it’s only been a couple of weeks since she stopped using them so it’s not that big of a deal. She was still wearing pull-ups at night time but now she’s back to being full time. I don’t mind changing nappies. Sometimes it’s gross but you just close off your nose and do it. I’d rather do that for Angie than try to cope with Mum scrubbing the skin off her own hands like a crazy person.

One of the nurses looking after Mum told me it’s normal for little kids to lose their potty training when something really upsetting happens. She said that when everything settles down, just go through potty training again and Ange should flick back into it with no problems.

Dad let me stay home from school on Tuesday and Wednesday and Dan called his school and told them he wouldn’t be in class because of what happened. So we basically stayed home and spent the time trying to look after everybody. They would only let Mum and Dad in to see Bec at first and that was annoying because I really, really wanted to see her. That changed on Wednesday and we finally got in to see her. Bec looked mostly all right but she was a little bit wild and a little bit confused. She couldn’t remember anything about Monday and the Doc told us not to talk about it so we didn’t. I really wanted to thank her for what she did but I kept my mouth closed and hugged her a lot. Bec was going on about how we were all in danger and that was definitely about Monday so I didn’t know what to say.

She might not remember about Monday but she’s still trying to protect us.

Then Bec was making me promise to stay with Dan or with Dad all the time and to even sleep in with Dan so that I would always be near him. That was easy to promise because I was already doing that. I’ve been getting shaky if I’m on my own for even a minute so I’ve been doing a lot of clinging onto Dan.

I haven’t told anybody about the shakes. Not until now, anyway. I guess writing about them is like telling someone, but it doesn’t feel the same. I guess it’s like, if I don’t say the words out loud, I’m not really admitting anything. Besides, mostly I’m okay provided I can hang onto Dan.

Going to the bathroom is the worst because I can’t exactly get Dan to come with me for that. It was okay when I was looking after Mum because she would be in the bathroom scrubbing herself and I would just go and not get shaky because she was right there.

But then Dad put Mum into hospital. Taking Angie with me to the bathroom helps a little bit so now I do that instead but I don’t feel as safe as when Mum was there. It probably seems a bit weird to take your little sister into the bathroom when you’re going to the toilet but it’s part of potty training to model going to the toilet so I just tell everyone I’m starting Angie’s potty training again and nobody says anything.

I’m writing this and I suddenly thought that Dan would come into the bathroom with me if I asked him. He wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow. I’d tell him I needed him and he would do it. The only question is whether I’m brave enough to ask him. I guess I have to decide what’s worse. Getting the shakes from being away from Dan or telling Dan I needed him in there with me – and why.

The worst thing was yesterday at the hospital when Bec wanted to go see Mum. Everyone was going with her but I knew I would freak out if I had to be with Mum right then. So I volunteered to stay back in Bec’s room with Angie but I knew I was going to get the shakes if I stayed there on my own for such a long time with just me and Angie. I was just about to fold and go with them and try to cope with Mum when Bec made Dan stay with me and Angie. I can’t tell you how grateful I was to Bec at that moment. I would have kissed her right on the mouth if there hadn’t been so many people there. I know she did it for her own crazy reason but still it worked for me too.

Bec and Dad went off to visit Mum and I stayed with Dan. We were sitting next to each other on the floor. He put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. We didn’t talk or anything. We just sat there but the good thing was: no shakes.

Oh! When Dad told Bec about how his back was sore, she asked why Mum wasn’t putting the cream on his back. After the explanation about Mum being in hospital, Bec kind of gave me a look. She didn’t say anything but I knew what that look meant. She was telling me I should be looking after Dad.

So when Dad took me home last night, I made him take his shirt off and lie down on the bed so I could put the cream on his back. That was a bit strange. Mostly because it’s probably the first time I ever made Dad do anything. Oh sure, there are times when I’ve wheedled and pleaded and begged until he gave in but I’ve never just stood there with my hands on my hips and told him to do something and had him do it. I’ve seen Mum do it lots, and I’ve seen Bec do it a few times but I’m not like Mum and Bec. I don’t like being the one giving orders. I’m not the least bit bossy – except maybe sometimes with Bec, but that’s only because she’s annoying. But this time Bec practically told me I had to look after Dad so really I was just doing what she told me to do. I guess I stood there and did what Bec would have done.

I glared at Dad and pointed to the bed and told him what was going to happen and didn’t give him a chance to argue. It kind of surprised me when he did it. Maybe his back really was sore. His back is all criss-crossed with scars from when he was beaten as a kid. I don’t know the full story but I do know that it was his father who did that. What an arsehole. I’m glad Dad isn’t like his father.