Chapter 8

Three years and no contact with any of them. Would I have loved to see my baby grow and become the woman I knew she’s going to be? Of course I would, but the woman, the woman who used to be my woman, wasn’t going to let that happen. That was clear to me, so dropping out of their lives was the right thing to do, and really, my only option. There was no way that I could deal with the heartache I knew would be coming, that on top of the heartache I was already beset with. No, I had to be gone and so I was.

Besides, I liked Littleton. It was far enough away from the black hats that I didn’t have to worry about a visit from my used to be best friend. That’s all I wanted: for him and them the lot of them to leave my ass alone. The good news? They had. And thank God for it!

I was working at the Shadows. It was small, it was clean, and it was my kind of place. The pay wasn’t worth a damn but in every other respect it worked for me. I did the cleanup and a bit of security guard duty in the wee smalls. I had a room in the back that I had gratis the management. It was warm, and it was small, and it was mine, and I only had to go eleven feet to get to work each day. Yeah, there is indeed an upside to everything.

I did hear that the man had been looking for me. That was a week gone. He’d actually come into the bar, but Harold, my boss, knew that I did not want to be bothered by anybody from the old neighborhood. Harold respected my privacy; I loved Harold.

The kid would be eight or nine years old now, I knew. I was pretty sure that she didn’t know that I was her daddy. There’d have been no upside for the woman to be telling her, so I was certain that I was little more than a fading memory by now if even that. I snickered to myself. So much for granting me unrestricted access to my baby, my daughter.

I had finally gotten my head out of my ass. I still drank but no longer at Olympian levels. And I had a place to stay, a regular income, and the prospect of getting me a small apartment in the not too distant future: I figured maybe a few more months. Hell, the way things were looking maybe I’d get to the point where I could give the moneyman a run for his money! Wouldn’t that be the cat’s meow.

“It’s her birthday tomorrow,” said Claire, smiling the smile of the proud parent.

“Yes, and something odd,” he said.

“Something odd?” she said.

“Yeah, out of nowhere, she asked me why Mister Jimmy had never come back to see her. I guess my old bud made an impression,” he said.

“Now! You mean now! She asked you that now!” said Claire.

“Yes, I ain’t speaking Greek. It surprised me too,” he said. He must have made an impression in those few hours three years gone.” His wife took on a concerned look.

“My God, I hadn’t even thought about him in so long.” She said.

“Hmm, yes, well it was his decision to disappear. I kinda understand why he did it, but he should have stuck around and let things work out. We could have made it good for him. But the dummy just could never get by you leaving him. I empathize, but lots of people get divorced. He just didn’t have the huevos to get on with his life and do for himself, and really Rebecca too. He needs to have a relationship with his daughter. Maybe not the relationship that he wanted, but a good one a close one nonetheless. I have to agree with you to a large degree on all of that,” he said. “The man just over reacted.”

“To a large degree?” she said.

“Yes, I do think you were a little too hard on him too soon,” he said. “He was still smarting big time over the divorce and adding being second in line with our baby, well, I can see his side of it too,” he said.

“I guess you’re right. But the mess, at the time, was new to me and uncharted territory and all of it. I was just worried about the long term fallout. But you’re right; I should have gone at a slower pace, given him some say in it all. I don’t know. Does anyone ever do these kinds of things right?” she said.

“Probably not,” he said.

“Damn it man, why the hell did you have disappear like that. Are you nuts! Forget the broad. Get on with your life. Henry and I have been worried about you, and are more than a little pissed off. More pissed off than worried if you wanna know,” said Sammy.

“Yeah, well I just couldn’t deal with the kinds of bullshit that she was piling on me, that in addition to cheating on me for the entire time we were married. Oh hell, I don’t know. I guess I’m still madly in love with the bitch.

“But running into you today, I mean here in Littleton. Obviously you had a run down here right?” I said.

“Yeah, I’m done for the day. It’s early, so I decided to stop in here and have a drink or two before heading back. I have to say there must be something in them stars this happening twice now in the same lifetime. I mean me spotting you like this,” said Sammy.

“Yeah, for real,” I said.

“You probably don’t give a shit anymore, I mean it has been three fucking years, asshole; but your ex-bud has come around a few times looking for you,” said Sam.

“Yeah?” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well, you’re right about one thing, I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m content. No woman, so that’s a problem, but I don’t really want one at this point anyway,” I said. “I guess a guy can’t have everything.”

“You gotta stop playin’ the goddamn martyr and get your act together, Jim. Yeah, she was a good looking broad and all, and she is the mother of your kid; but there is no way she is worth throwing your life away for, not even,” said Sam.

“Yeah, I know you’re right. I mean it’s obvious that you’re right, but it’s damn hard to give up a love as strong as mine was, is. Anyway, sooner or later I’ll meet a woman who is worth the time and effort to build a relationship with. Well, that’s the hope,” I said.

“You’re serious,” she said. “Why won’t you just let sleeping dogs lie!”

“Claire, I don’t know. And on one level, I agree with you: just forget him and get on with things. But, I just can’t shake the guilt I feel about everything, I mean if we hadn’t been cheating on the guy for the whole time you two were married, well...” he said.

“I understand your feelings. But like I said back in the day, I didn’t and don’t feel any guilt about any of that. Yes, we cheated, but not really. I still gave him all of my love. For us, you and me, at the time it was just a sharing of our closeness. I even told him, after he discovered us, that it wasn’t even the sex; it was the familyness that we all had together. Rod, we, all of us were not just friends. For me it was a lot more than that. I mean it,” she said.

“Yeah for me too. But not for him I guess. I mean he and I were close, and you’re right, all of us were. But for him there was never going to be a situation where he was willing to share you in any truly intimate way. He was, and likely still is, way too square for any of that,” said Rodney. “The son-of-a-gun loved you real hard and deep, maybe too much if that’s even possible.”

“Oh, and how much do you love me, Rodney Pollard?” she said, and it was a serious question.

“More than anything,” he said. “But, that said, if you dumped me; I’d get on with things and find me another woman. I would not let you destroy me: that’s loser city, and I am not built to be a loser. My old bud is. It’s just the way things are.”

“So my good ‘ole ex is a loser is he,” she said, smiling now.

“Yes, he is in those respects for sure. He needed to get on with things and have a life. He could’ve done it, and maybe he has. Who knows? I hope he has. I loved the guy; I really did, do,” he said.

She sighed, “Yeah me too,” said Claire.

“Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I’m serious and yes I am going to try to find him. I’m gonna put Don on it,” he said. “I have tried to find the guy since he cut country, just not real hard. Now that changes. He’s got to spend time with his daughter. If he doesn’t, the time may come when Rebecca will blame us. I intend to short shank that from happening. In fact he’ll have to get violent with me to stop me. If he does that; then, it ‘will’ be his fault.

“I guess you’re right, yes you make a good case. So do it, and I promise to cooperate,” she said.

“Yes, you’ll need to,” he said. “In fact you more than anyone the way I see things.”

I was sitting at the bar. My work was done. I start early and end early. I looked at the clock it was a quarter past noon. The guy was kinda watching me, but not watching me, and I know that makes no sense. But, it’s what was.

I finished my drink and headed out. I was walking long range a lot. I was doing three to five miles a day if the weather was clement and it usually was in the Littleton area this time of year. I’d gained some weight since moving to Littleton and getting a regular job. But, now I was interested in getting into shape too; hence my long range walking and my in-my-room daily exercises, well, nightly exercises. I was actually looking pretty good: a good looking body to go with my outstanding facial good looks.

I think my efforts to improve my body were also improving my attitude and self-esteem. Well, I thought it was. I didn’t feel so stressed and bitter and whatever anymore. Three years without being around the bad guys was also a factor. I still wanted my woman back, but I knew that that would never be happening. And my daughter? That one really rankled. My ex could have cut me some slack there, but well, she hadn’t and so I didn’t have a wife and didn’t really have a daughter and I’d stopped letting those salient facts score my soul like they had heretofore. Life was good again, pretty good. I was even getting looks from a couple of women who were more or less regular at the bar. Now, if I could just translate those looks into something a little more substantial, oh yeah, that would be good, real good.

I had been attending weekly services at the Salvation Army Chapel after having met the Traynors. The odd thing? The SA didn’t have a full time staff in Littleton, but the Traynors motored down once a month and held pick up services in a local private high school that a group of citizens had built for the locals who didn’t want their kids educated in the lone public high school which was overcrowded and understaffed.

Of course, since I was now living and working in Littleton, I was attending church just the one day, the third Sunday, each month. The good news was that there was a particular lady who was also attending that service and manning the breakfast tables ante to it as well. And, that same lady, her name was Nadine Spence: age 25, 5’2”, a bit chunky and kinda plain also claimed a seat at Shadows more or less regularly that being two and three days a week. Uh, and she was one of the couple of women who had been eyeing me. I figured that was fair; I was eyeing her right back which reality led to me standing next to her at this moment as we both exited the auditorium where Captain Traynor had conducted the service.