Zululand Diary
Part 1

Another day in Zululand

I nearly forgot to wake up this morning as I was up half the night ... Bloody taxi parked on the main road with music thumping ... The dogs went nuts for over an hour ... I was tempted to just open the gate and let them out ... A Doby and 2 Ridgebacks could have instituted a little retribution but I was worried about them running into the road ... The Garden boy filled the wheel barrow with bottles this morning ... The dogs and I slept in ... Worked on Granddaughters Barbie doll wardrobe and discovered that holding panel pins in fingers is sore ... Used long nose pliers and my fingers breathed a sigh of relief ... Had a couple of calls from friends giggling over a certain blown pipeline ... I just love that “I told you so” feeling ... Christmas cake baking time and I got to lick the bowl ... Yum yum ... Cant get in to the kitchen at the moment as its to bloody hot in there with the oven on ... O well will start supper at 8 ... O well another day in paradise...


Just a thought

Last year the vervet monkey protection bunny huggers brought an interdict against me to stop me from shooting the little bastards ... Now I have the greatest respect for good deeds but when it takes the food off my table I get pissed off ... I usually sell about R10k worth of mangos a month for 3 months at the side of the road ... The last 2 years nilll ... Why ... the little Vervet monkey bastards are now legally allowed to eat all my mangos ... When I asked who was paying for this privilege there was a deathly silence...

So to all you bunny huggers out there ... Send R60k or fire Force action starts by the end of the week ... Shot guns and claymores will be used...


OK new day ... After yesterdays stuff up I decided to carry my Zambuk around with me ... I have had a torrid time trying to release my Retirement Annuity from Liberty Life when it was found that the problem was the Receiver of Robinyou ... Firing up my trusty old 1600 1974 Escort GL I aimed myself for Richards bay Robinyou office to find out what the shit was going on ... Forgetting (OK I am an old fart) that I had only put 3l of 2 stroke petrol in the day before I was about 5km into the 80km trip when old Betsy decided to give up trying to run on air ... Now to many experienced whenwees you know that shaking the car side to side (left to right dork) sloshes the remaining fumes around enough to gain a few kays more ... to no avail Betsy said “FuckYou” and died ... Blind uphill corner and the old bat was dead ... Luckily Richard a farmer from down the road parked behind me and we started discussing my stupidity when old man Stewart arrived from the other side and we carried on the farmers meeting ... At this stage we had 15 cane haulage HiLows and 6 logging trucks parked behind us with 30 taxis trying to drive though the ditch to get around ... Telkom guy poured his back up gen set petrol into Betsy and we then decided to unblock the road... 10l of petrol was good for plenty kays so I waddled in to the Robinyou office and found out that I had a R56 debt from 1’974 that with interest was now R240 ... I am always a polite chap and asked why the fuck some one had not notified me of this little error over the last plenty years ... you guessed it ... dumb Moont look ... Paid the money and visited a few buddies on the way home ... I needed a few Lions as a relaxing agent ... Life in Zululand not for the faint hearted ... Got to have a sense of humour...


Sitting at my computer in the early morning trying to sort out the crap design for a water system near Greytown I realized my lips were chapped and sore ... I got up and aimed for the bedroom where my trusty can of Zambuk (lip Balm) resides next to my bed ... I had a brain fart and realized that I had not fed the dogs yet ... well all 7 of them were at my feet wagging their tails so it didn’t take much to change direction ... I finished feeding the dogs when the garden boy asked me to please chop up the big logs from the tree that was blown down in last nights storm ... I sharpened the chain on my trusty Skyl and fired it up with venom ... Nothing like a bit of chain saw therapy ... When I finished cutting logs I remembered my Zambuk and headed for the bedroom when my phone rang ... It was the farmer next door and his pump had blown a fuse ... I jumped in to my trusty 1974 Escort and headed out the drive when I ran out of petrol ... OK not a good day but smile and grab the 5l premix from the chain saw (now 3l) and with a smoking car drive down to the pump station... 3 hours later after pulling the debris from the pump suction I jumped into my car to go home and because of the rain I got stuck good and proper ... The Gunda Gunda (tractor) driver hooked up the cane chain and promptly sunk a 65kW 4x4 John Deere to the hubs ... Shit my lips were now really sore ... After much swearing ... sorry verbal expression of dismay ... We managed to get everything out of the river bed and I went home ... My little Escort all 1600cc of her trundled her merry Smokey way home(2 Stroke oil petrol) and I jumped in the pool to clean off the mud and shit I was plastered with ... Big mistake ... Poor Creepy Crawley has a major task now ... My lips were now howling with pain so I headed for the bedroom to get My Zambuk when the dogs went nuts ... Wrapping my towel around my waist I walked down to the driveway gate and there was a rep from a pump company wanting me to sell his product ... I was not polite and stomped back to my desk where I am now sitting 12 hours later and the Fucking Zambuk is still in the bedroom ... Shit what a day...


Zululand days10

Woke up this morning to the dogs padding up and down the passage to the bedroom ... That klick klick klick of their toe nails on the wooden floor then CoCo Pops burst of energy as she runs and jumps on my head ... Eish ... Got up and staggered to the kitchen, looked at the clock and it was 0505... !!!!????&^%$%^ ... My mind engaged and I realised they were reminding me it is breakfast time ... Mummy feeds them at sparrows fart normally but being a bachelor for a few days they were reminding me of the important issues in life ... Dished up the food into the bowls and got insulted looks from all ... Brain engaged when I realised that I had seriously screwed up their breakfast ... redo whole operation and start again ... Put dish down ... Shake hands ... Kiss on snout and on to the next ... Bloody spoilt dogs!!!!...


Zuluand days...

Its Friday and I have lost my wife for the weekend ... It is now 38c (100F) and a cooker ... thunder and lightning last night second to none but some one else got the rain ... Lost the clutch pedal on my little Escort ... I think the cable has snapped ... O well do without it for a while ... Makes life a giggle in traffic ... Stop, switch off, engage 1st, hit starter and away you go ... good fun ... Traffic cop stopped me and asked me what was wrong ... he wanted to call a tow truck so I asked him what for ... He could not believe I could drive without a pedal!!!!! He jumped in the passenger seat & I drove him around the block ... I then drove his Bee Baa Monza and had fun ... I asked him why he had not been taught this on advance driver training ... He had never done it yet he drives a pursuit car ... My mind boggles!!!!!


Stormy Zululand

Eish what a storm ... Normal storms result in my JR residing on my lap a shivering wreck ... Tonight’s was Kak ... When the Klick and THE Lightning BANG are at the same moment in time you know it was close ... even I was looking for cover ... Imagine me ... in my office chair ... with a JR in my lap and the blody Dobie decides he is now shit scared ... My poephole was even vibrating ... Shit that was worse than a full on Mortar attack ... O well Eskom went off (nothing unusual) on the first lightning strike and the dogs and I completed the storm on the bed ... Picture it ... King size bed – you with me so far – JR under the Duvet (its still 32C) Doby on the left and Bella my R/Back X on my right ... I couldn’t move ... Supper was delayed somewhat but I don’t think the dogs could care a fuck... 20:30 (half past eight dickhead) and dogs finally fed and dad fried up a nice fillet butterfly tastefully adorned with a lemon chilli sauce (wife is away) ... A small pot of sadza and tomatoe and onion gravy with chillies (wife is away) ... Num num yum...

Good night all


5 Years ago I was asked to help in the design and implementation of a lift scheme and I was through out and not paid ... Last week the pipeline blew and there is a major enquiry...

A engineers session ... Lesson in Stupidity...

Yes sir the pipe line has a vertical lift of 180m with 18m friction head gives us 198m total head ... No sir 20 bar pipe will not work as you have two Burmad valves in line to transfer water ... No sir you have to have an open discharge at the end of the line ... No sir Burmad valves are excellent quality but this is Africa Sir ... Yes sir but in 2 years after no maintenance the valves will not operate ... Yes sir the shut off head on the pump is 350m ... you will blow the pipeline up...

When will dickheads learn that mechanics have been there and got the T shirt

When this story gets more text, you will need to Log In to read it

Story tagged with:
True Story /