Chapter 2

I stretched, yawned and struggled to open my eyes as I felt a touch on my arm.

“Joe, it’s almost ten o’clock. How late were you up last night?”

I squinted again to adjust to the light. “I dunno, I was reading.”

“Well, come on and get dressed. Janet invited us over to their house for a pool party around noon, and they’ll have your favorite stuff – free food!”

I smiled at her. “Not like I pay for it now.”

“Just wait Buster, it won’t be long.”

I blew out a big breath. “Oh, I know, I know.”

While I was searching the room for a fairly clean pair of socks, visions of cheeseburgers and potato danced in my head until the thought of Hannah in a bathing suit swept them away.

Dad pulled in right on time and Mickey greeted us at the door. Carrying a grocery bag, I asked, “Where can I change into my swim trunks?”

He pointed and said, “There’s a first-floor bath between the kitchen and the garage.”

Once suitably attired, I made my way out back to the concrete pool.

Dad asked Mickey, “How long have you had this place?”

“Five years. It’s a quiet neighborhood but close to shopping and has a nice view.”

I’d been laying back in a chair catching some rays when my cousin made her appearance ... and speaking of nice views!

A bright red bikini, not too small, not too big. It had a triangular patch to cover each of her grapefruit sized breasts, and drawstrings on each hip, holding up the fabric which covered her obvious mound.

‘Stay down, stay down, stay down’, I kept repeating silently.

Hannah waved to me and slowly stepped into the water at the far end of the pool as she called out, “C’mon in!”

Figuring that being underwater might be a better way to hide any inadvertent erections, I dropped myself over the closest edge, which I quickly realized was also the deepest. The cool water quickly enveloped my body, causing me to instantly tense up and become short of breath.

Hannah spun her head my way and asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Too ... cold...”

She laughed. “End of July. It’s not cold!”

“Yeah, well ... it takes me a couple minutes to adjust and like a big dummy I just jumped right in. Good way to drown!”

Shaking her head and grinning, she said, “Then you’d need to find someone to give you mouth to mouth!”

“You just love to torture me, don’t you?”

She squealed, “Of course!” as she slapped a wave of water into my face.

Dave and Donna soon joined us in the pool. She had thick thighs and a bit of a belly but not much up top yet.

We were diving, splashing, bouncing the beach ball n’at until Hannah said, “Let’s play chicken – I’m with Joe!”

Dave shot back, “Why do I have to be with the brat?”

Just as Donna slapped him with a backhand to the chest, Hannah replied, “Well, you’re not touching me!”

I threw up my hands. “Hey! C’mon! Let’s play nice.”

Hannah said, “Yeah, I want to throw Donna in the pool!” as she came up behind me and pushed down on my shoulders.

I leaned forward and dunked my head under the water as Hannah scooted up my back and slid her thighs over my shoulders. I pulled my head up and slowly stood, clutching her legs just above her knees as I struggled to maintain my balance.

Donna had done the same, mounting Dave’s shoulders and he stepped forward, closing the distance between us. With our faces only a foot or so apart the girl’s arms were flailing in attempts to push or grab the other.

I was lost in the sensation of my hands on Hannah’s thighs and her groin grinding on the back of my neck as both girls were laughing loudly - until I stumbled backwards and Hannah shrieked as she flopped onto her back and disappeared under the water. I got to my feet and having spun around, held a hand out to help lift her from the water.

She pushed her back the dripping hair off her face and pointed to Donna. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!”

I laughed and shook my head at Hannah. “You better be careful you don’t melt here in the pool!”

“She’s the witch!”

Right after that Mickey yelled that the food was ready. Hannah started out of the pool, then looking back at me said, “C’mon, let’s eat!”

I continued to slouch neck deep in the water and told her, “I’ll be there in just a minute”, without explaining the need to will myself back to a flaccid state.

I had eaten much of my burger when I went to the kitchen to find a Pepsi. Not familiar with the layout, as I rounded the counter I felt something in my hair. To my disgust it was a strip of fly paper which had been hanging from the ceiling, covered with a multitude of dead insects.

Hannah came into the kitchen as I was bobbing back and forth, trying to free my hair from the glue covered strip. Hands on hips, she called out, “Aw, is there something I can do for you?”

“Well, yeah – can you help me get this damn thing out of my hair?”

She sauntered over, still in her bikini, and slid in close to my side to get a good look. Her breasts pushed into my arm as she reached above me, one hand pulling the fly paper while the other pulled my hair in the opposite direction. “You know, this took real skill to make a mess this bad!”

She continued brushing against me as she continued to work on freeing my hair. I asked, “Are you making any progress?”

“Slowly, but maybe I can just get the hair clippers and shave you bald!”

I jerked in response. “No way! Maybe when I’m like sixty years old, but I love my hair!”

She snickered. “Oh, it’s not that special. If I cut it off and give you a lollipop you could be Kojak for Halloween!”

“Hey, who loves ya, baby?”

“Oh, I don’t know – or maybe you could grow a bushy mustache and be G. Gordon Liddy.” She gave another tug on my hair and I no longer felt the pull of the fly paper. “I got it! But you still have some globs of glue in your hair. Go to the bathroom around the corner and I’ll run upstairs to get some shampoo.”

True to her word, Hannah was back in a minute and after checking to see that the water from the faucet in the sink was an appropriate temperature said, “Okay, stick your head under there.”

First, she moved my head around to get my hair evenly soaked, then squeezed some shampoo into her hands and worked her fingers all over my scalp - my head tingling at her touch. She then stuck my head back under the water to get all the soap rinsed out and handed me a towel as I stood to dry my own hair.

I smiled and said, “Thanks” as I rubbed it vigorously over my head for a maybe a minute. Lowering the towel, I saw her standing in front of me, looking up, the two of us in this small bathroom, the door closed, me dressed in only my swim trunks, she in only her teeny-weeny bikini.

Time seemed to stand still. I continued looking down into her eyes and pictured myself kissing her, undressing her, running my hands all over her naked body.

But she was my cousin, her parents were just outside, my parents were just outside – and she was only fucking fourteen. So, terrified to do anything else, I smiled.

She pursed her lip and said, “Cat got your tongue?”

I stammered, “Uh, no ... I was just ... distracted.”

She dropped her head, glimpsing down for a moment, then brushed past me to exit the bathroom, leaving me standing there all alone.

Later that night at home, after watching the Pirates down the Expos, I turned off the light and let my hand roam through my shorts as I replayed the scene in the bathroom with Hannah. Over and over, I tried to think of the right words that might have coaxed the girl out of her bikini. Just to tell her I was interested.

I licked my hand, and with eyes closed started to slowly squeeze and stroke my fully hardened erection. I could hear her moans as I pictured myself fondling her breasts, then licking each nipple.

Just as I fantasized entering her, I heard myself say, ‘She was right there in front of you!’

What could I have done? I thought back, ‘Yeah, but... ‘

‘No buts. You always take the easy way out.’

‘It’s hard. What do I say? I just grab her tits?’

‘Math is hard, girls are hard. Guess what - life is hard!’

‘Leave me alone!’

‘So you want to spend the rest of your life playing with yourself?’

Maybe not, because the one thing that was no longer hard was my dick. I stuffed it back inside by boxers and rolled over to go to sleep.

It started off like most any other Sunday. I slept in to around nine, put on a cassette and settled into my Star Trek novel, keeping an eye on the clock to know how long until the Pirates came on TV.

Before any of that could happen, Mom called up the steps, “Joe - can you come on down here?”

I skipped down the steps to find both my parents standing in the kitchen, serious looks on their faces. My mother continued, “I just got a phone call from Aunt Janet. They had a small fire in their kitchen this morning...”

I began to panic and blurted out, “Oh my God! Is everybody okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, they’re fine, and there’s not a lot of damage, but they did have a bit of smoke n’at all through the house and - Janet and Mickey think it’s best if they clear everyone out for a few days until the contractor can get it all cleaned up.”

I blew out a lung full of air in an attempt to regain my composure. “Wow, glad to hear that, but - where’s everyone gonna stay? Are they going to a hotel?”

“Janet and Mickey might, but the kids are going to be with family. We told them that Hannah could stay here.”

I glanced back and forth at the two of them, not answering immediately as the butterflies jumped all around my insides.

My father seemed to sense my awkwardness. “We need you to be on your best behavior. Your cousin needs to feel welcome here.”

I felt myself huffing at his tone, and thought “What, like I’m some asshole?” Dad narrowed his eyes as he heard me reply, “No, that will be fine. It’ll be nice to have someone to talk to.”

By mid-afternoon Mickey’s BMW was once again pulling into our driveway. As Hannah struggled to lift her bag out of the trunk, Dad said to me, “Don’t stand there like a god damn statue boy, go help the girl with her suitcase.”

I jogged across to the back of the car, motioned her aside and said, “Here, let me get that for you.”

Smiling up at me, she said, “Well, thank you very much. I needed, you know - a few things!” as I grunted in getting the bag clear of the trunk. I saw Dad nodding his head and grinning as if to say, ‘Told you so.’

As I was hauling the bag through the kitchen on the way to the living room, I caught another whiff of the meatloaf in the oven as Mom said to Hannah, “Just in time, dinner’s almost ready.”

When I came back to the kitchen to grab the plates and silverware, Mom pointed to the dining room. “Go set the table in there - more room for four of us.”

Once we were all seated at the table, I quickly grabbed two slices of the meatloaf and was piling fried potatoes onto my plate until Dad said, “Slow down - leave some for the company!”

I grinned and said, “Here ya go” as I handed my cousin the bowl.

Having always been an only child, it was noticeably different to have her there at the table. Strangely comfortable, I wondered what it would have been like to have had a younger sister around the house for all of those years.

When Hannah had her serving, Mom turned to her and asked, “How are you settling in? Have you made any new friends yet?”

After chewing for a few seconds, she responded, “Eh, not really. It’s been nice to hang out with Joe because I haven’t met anyone my age yet, but I’m sure that’ll change once we start school next month - this is very good meatloaf!”

“Well, thank you! How’s Mickey been? He treating yunz guys alright?”

Hannah put down her fork and looked at Mom. “He’s not home a lot, out showing houses whenever someone’s made an appointment, but he’s been cool so far. It’s been good to see Mom so happy - she had a rough time after Donna’s dad died.”

Mom sighed. “It would have been nice if we could have gone to the wedding.”

“Well, it all happened so quickly. They were only dating for a month after we came back to P.A., then next thing we know they were down at the magistrate’s office getting hitched and, BOOM, here we are. I hope it lasts - at least until I finish high school. I’m getting real tired of moving.”

There was a bit of unease after that, so I decided to steer the dinner conversations in a different direction. “So, Dad, what do think of Jimmy Carter complaining about all this ‘malaise’ in our country?”

One thing Dad loved to talk about was politics, and he dove right in. “Well, if that dimwit thinks the people lack confidence in our leaders, maybe he should look in the mirror.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I mean, it’s like he wants an oil shortage so that we all need to have electric cars.”

“Right, then Murtha’s trying to get money to turn the coal here into some synthetic fuel.”

With the conversation on a roll, I replied, “I paid seventy-five cents a gallon the other day. How’s Carter expect the price to come down with him talking about taxing the oil companies or shutting down the Alaska oil fields?”

Dad glared at me and sarcastically added, “You mean I paid seventy-five cents. Where do you think you got the money?” When I had no answer he said, “Thought so.”

I glanced at Mom then went back to my food.

Hannah broke the silence with “Hey Joe, what are we doing tomorrow?”

“Oh, I usually sleep in, then later start getting ready for the game around four. We can find something to do before then.”

I had barely finished when Dad said, “You know son, you’d be a hell of a lot more useful around here if you had a job instead of staying up until all hours.”

I bit my lip, wishing I could get through a day without being the target of his smart-ass comments. No one else said a word as I rushed to shovel down what was left on my plate.

I excused myself and carried my dirty dishes out to the kitchen sink. Hannah followed close behind, sliding in beside me and whispering, “What’s up with your Dad?”

I frowned and asked her, “You wanna walk down to the playground?”

“Yeah, sure.”

I waved my hand at the sink and said, “Okay, well help me red up these dishes and I’ll put ‘em in the washer.”

Once we finished the chores I called out, “Mom, we’re going down to the school for a while!”

“Okay honey, don’t keep Hannah out too late.”

On our way down the driveway, she asked again, “Okay - so why’s your Dad being so nasty?”

“Besides him being a dick?” Getting a stern stare in response, I continued, “Sorry - I know, language. It seems like forever that I can never do anything good enough, but the last year or two he’s been even more pissed off at everything.”

She frowned as we continued down the street. “I can see where he’d be disappointed about your grades.”

“But it’s like I’d say ‘Hey dad, look - I got an A’ and he’d be ‘Why can’t you do that all the time?’”

She got this evil smile and said, “I do that all the time!”

I yelled, “Shut up!”, smiled and continued, “I think the worst was when I was little and he’d be telling me, ‘You’re so bad, when you turn twelve I’m sending you to military school!’”

“Oh my God. That had to have hurt.”

I stopped at the corner and turned to face her. “Tell me about it. Then he’s been ragging me all summer about not having a job.”

We resumed our walk and she asked accusingly, “Well, why don’t you have one?”

“Right now? Baseball. I delivered pizza over the winter, but that’s in the evenings, so I quit when the season started.”

She replied sarcastically, “Uh, you’re free during the days. Couldn’t you work at a grocery store or...” She looked around and pointed at the neighborhood deli on the next corner, “ ... something while you’re playing?”

“Yes, DAD!” I whined in mock outrage.

“But I’m so adorable when I say it!”

I laughed and said, “Yeah, right” as I reached out to poke her in the side.

“So, if you’re not working, where do you get all your money?”

“I’ve got a decent amount in the bank that I’m saving for tuition, and Mom gives me a ten or twenty once in a while for gas.”

“Oh, so you’re a momma’s boy?”

“You know, I oughtta kick your butt!”

“All talk, I’m not afraid” she scoffed. Looking around at the houses along the street, she continued, “Nice neighborhood - do you like living here?”

“I guess. Up on your hill is nicer, but so many of my friends say this is a shit-hole town with nothing to do and can wait to move away. I do like it here, but I know jobs are getting tougher ... so I don’t know.”

Just then we got to the playground, and Hannah squealed, “Oh, I love swings” as she ran across the basketball court.

She settled into the leather strap suspended between two chains, and as she started to rock herself back and forth asked, “Are you going to push me or what?”

Moving behind her, my hands caught her hips at the furthest point of her back swing, held them for a split-second, then threw her forward.

She called, “Push!”, “Harder!” and “Higher!” each time she came back to me. When she began moving too fast the best I could do was push instead of grasp, with my hands venturing further down onto her butt.

Squealing with each touch, Hannah swung higher and higher as did my level of excitement. Once she was moving too fast for me to reach out, I stayed back, out of her sight for a minute to make sure my condition wasn’t noticed.

Once I was satisfied that my modesty was intact, I came around front to admire her form as she rhythmically leaned back and extended her legs and then her chest, continuing to squeal and coo as she went.

After a few minutes she tired and slowed to a stop. She looked up to say, “Thanks - that was fun. Haven’t done that for a while!” I reached out and lightly touched the middle of her back as she got to her feet.

I nudged her towards the steps at the side of the building as I said, “Let’s go to the other side of the school.”

She looked up at the three-story brick building and asked, “Did you go here?”

“Yep, K through sixth.” I pointed down the street, “Do you see that house over there?”

“Which one?”

“The green siding. We moved there when I was four. For the first year, every morning, I woke up and asked my mom ‘Am I old enough to go to kindergarten yet?’”

She said, “Ah, that’s so cute! So, you’ve been here that long?” as we reached the far side of the school, where the sidewalk went along the top of a small embankment overlooking the athletic fields.

I gestured for her to sit in the grass at the edge of the walk. “Yeah, we bought the house we’re in now when I was in second grade, so it’s been ... twelve years?”

“I’ve never lived any place more than two.”

“Oh, that’s gotta suck.”

“Been real hard to make friends. Donna’s dad was a manager for HoJo’s, and he got transferred all over the place. New Jersey, Virginia, finally Texas.”

“Do you hear from your Dad much?”

“Pfft. He left when I was one.” She looked down the ground before continuing, appearing to hold back tears. “I’m lucky to get a birthday card with twenty bucks in it. I’m not sure which is worse - your dad’s here, but his people skills sure suck.”

“I’m so sorry.”

She turned and smiled, saying, “Thanks, you’ve been so sweet” as she reached out to rub my thigh.

I was quite aware of her touch as I said, “You’re very welcome. You know? This is where I played baseball growing up - pickup games with the guys. I still come here whenever I can to watch girl’s softball. I even helped coach a team last year!”

“How old?”

“Junior and senior high, about twelve or thirteen up to eighteen.”

She cocked her head and stared at me. “And you never got a date?”

It was my turn to stare at the ground. “I never asked anyone.”

She frowned and looked me over while slowly shaking her head. “Well ... maybe I can play next year and you can come watch me.”

“One problem.” I extended my index finger to a hillside maybe five miles away. “See those buildings way over there?”

Hannah leaned in, her arm rubbing on mine and her head almost on my shoulder as her eyes followed my finger to the horizon. “Yeah?”

“Well, just to the right is where you live, a little too far away.”

“Huh - too bad Mickey didn’t have a house on this hill.”

“Not too far for me to drive.”

“Are you sure you can afford the gas?”

“Oh yeah, I’ll just ask the ‘Bank of Mom’”. After a few seconds of silence I turned and asked, “You ready to head back?”

As I stood Hannah extended her hand and replied, “Okay - help me up?”

It felt soft, warm and slightly moist to my touch. I wanted so much to keep holding her hand the whole way home, our fingers laced together as we strolled down the street - but after she got to her feet I looked down as I let her hand go, letting mine dangle at my side, just inches away.

The Wall. Again. The lyrics from the Kansas song began taunting me as they echoed inside my head.

It rises now before me,

A dark and silent barrier between,
All I am, and all that I would ever want be

It’s just a travesty
It didn’t matter how easily Hannah and I talked about stuff or shared a laugh, I was once again at that wall where I’d have to ask, the point at which I would have to confess, ‘I want you as more... ‘

I felt the desire, but she was my cousin - so of course she wasn’t going to feel the same way. If I held her hand that would mean I wanted her as a girlfriend, that I wanted ... that, and that would gross her out, and, as always, I lacked the guts to even try.

Just another in the long line of times when I wanted something so bad that it just tore at my insides, but at the same time I was so terrified of being rejected, of failing.

So I did nothing. I said nothing.

“You okay? Not too talkative all of a sudden.”

“Yeah - I’m sorry, just thinking.”

“Uh-huh.”

When Hannah and I came in the back door, both my parents were sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. Mom said, “Joe, we need to discuss the sleeping arrangements. Since Hannah’s our guest, we think it’s only fair that she get to use your bed for the few days she’s here.”

That blind-sided me. The situation had never crossed my mind. There were only two bedrooms, for me and my parents, the third having been turned into a family room and office. One of us was going to have to sleep on the floor or on the downstairs couch.

My mind was a blur. I whined and stuttered, “I ... I can’t. I’m pitching tomorrow – I need a good night’s sleep. All my stuff is in my room...”

My father called out, “Joseph!” as cut me off.
Hannah put her hands up and said, “Uncle Chris – it’s fine. I won’t make Joe move. I’ll find someplace to sleep.”

I looked to give her a smile of appreciation but was instead cut down by her glare.

I retreated to my room where I could sulk behind a closed door. The day had gone so well, but then I’d pissed her off, being a selfish ass.

Hannah watched some TV with my parents, then after a few minutes of the eleven o’clock news she and my mother spread out a pillow and blanket on the floor in front of the love seat.

I had some music on from WCFL in Chicago while I read that week’s Sporting News. After an hour or so I had turned off the light but still was laying there awake with the music playing. It was hard to shake the idea of Hannah in the next room.

Eventually I needed to take a piss and slipped though the hallway and into the bathroom next door. The TV room didn’t have a door, and while returning to mine I stopped when I heard Hannah breathing. I stared straight ahead at my parent’s closed door, and upon not hearing anything from that direction, which convinced me they were both asleep - I slipped slowly and quietly towards Hannah until I was next to her.

Flat on her back, her hair cascaded over the pillow. There was enough light from my room to see her face, her chest rising and falling with each breath. She was wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, allowing me take in every inch of her legs. It was hard to believe she was only fourteen.

I wanted her, I wanted her so bad. To touch her, to kiss and caress her. All those things I’d still never done with a woman.

I didn’t even realize until I was almost fully hard that my hand was inside my boxers. I pulled my erection out through the fly, slowly stroking it as I continued to gaze down at her, my cousin, asleep on the floor of my house.

I couldn’t stand it – I had to touch her. Maybe I didn’t have to ask, Maybe she didn’t have to know. Maybe just - a little bit - softly, gently, not enough to wake her.

I placed my feet on either side of her chest, then slowly dropped to my knees, my body just above hers but not touching. Only an inch or so from her face, I gently leaned forward and pressed on her lips. Again, slightly harder, until she sensed the pressure and her tongue reflexively came out to lick those lips – and me.

I froze in a silent panic.

‘What if she opens her eyes? She’ll see you, your cock shoved in her face! ‘

My heart was pounding as if it might explode out of my chest. I looked down again and saw Kathy’s face, covered in blood. I retched and instantly felt faint.

‘What kind of sick bastard are you?’

I had to get out of there.

‘She’ll scream, your father will run in here and beat the shit out of you, before dragging you off to jail where you’ll be some Bubba’s bitch for the next ten years.’

Just as slowly as I came in, I lifted up and tiptoed back to my room, every moment dreading the possibility of Hannah or my parents bursting out of their rooms, chasing me across the hallway.

I planted myself face first on my bed and just started to bawl my eyes out into the pillow. The words pounded in my brain, silently screaming at me.

‘How could you be so fucking sick? This girl has been so nice to you, so innocent, and you look at her like a piece of meat, for nothing but your own pleasure? You are SUCH A FUCKING PERV!’

I had nothing to say in response to myself. I hated me.

The panic and terror that had swept into me a few hours earlier came back and jolted me awake. A look at my clock revealed that it was six twenty-seven a.m. I was filled with dread that something terrible was just about to happen. After a couple minutes my brain started to slow down, allowing me to survey my surroundings. The house was quiet, just some light chirping of birds outside. If anyone knew, I would have already been dragged out of bed by cops or worse - my dad. That was a good thing, but I still had to live with my conscience.

I went down to the kitchen to see what I could make for breakfast. A couple dippy eggs, and a choice of either some grilled chipped ham or a slice of scrapple. I went with the scrapple, frying it up crispy in a puddle of melted butter, then cooked the eggs in the leftover grease. I tossed on a little salt and pepper, then draped the eggs over the thick sliced slab of pork gizzards mixed with corn meal. As I cut through them with my fork the runny yolks mixed with the crumbled grey chunks of almost-meat. I purposely studied all the details to keep my mind focused and as much as I could away from the images from the night before. It had been a while since I’d thought about Kathy. I needed to believe I wasn’t that kind of person.

It was a nice cool morning, barely over sixty, so I decided to take a brisk walk around the neighborhood, which also gave a chance to loosen up my legs for the game I was pitching that night. ‘Shit’, I said to myself, as I had almost forgotten about that. Even now, I still like the solitude of walking to think things through.

I screwed up - bad. Maybe no one else knew, but I did, and that was enough. I wondered how I could look Hannah in the face and not be reminded of what I had done. Instead of my normal timid, over cautious self, so afraid to offend, I had swung way too far to the other side - and that was scary as hell.

I knew it had to have been after seven by the time I got back to the house. I was in my gym shorts and a t-shirt when I came in the back door, my heart skipping a beat when I saw Hannah sitting at the kitchen table sipping on some orange juice.

Her presence that early caught me off guard. I hadn’t yet thought through what I would say.

She had heard me coming up the steps, and seeing my hesitation upon entering said, “C’mon on in, I won’t bite.”

She was acting normal, so I figured she mustn’t have known. I couldn’t let my expressions betray me, so I needed to put on my best happy face. “Sorry, no one was up when I left, you just surprised me a little - can I make you some breakfast?”

She put down the O.J. and gave me a big smile. “Whadd’a ya got?”

It tugged at my heart that she was so cheerful. I crossed the room and opened the fridge to check out what else might be in there. “Eggs, scrapple, chipped ham ... looks like we got some cheese - there’s an onion, I can make an omelet!”