Chapter 14: Try a Little Tenderness

“There,” Lila said with a note of finality, “I think that’ll about do it.” She took a step back, paint brush in hand, and examined me critically, eye brows askew.

Prince stood off to the side, arms crossed. “Not bad work,” he said. “Do you think it’s enough for people to recognize him as...” He glanced at the viewscreen on the wall “ ... Pontillian? Am I pronouncing that correctly?”

“Pontillian, yes,” Lila replied, still eyeing me up and down. “A fascinating tribe, the Pontillians.”

“I’m sure they’re riveting,” Prince continued, “but will people recognize him as a Pontillian? We don’t want to have another Luvian Debacle.”

Lila’s eyes widened. “Oh goodness, no. We definitely don’t want another Luvian Debacle.”

“What’s a Luvian Debacle?” I asked.

Lila stepped closer once more and drew the small brush across my forehead in what felt like precise, even lines. “There,” she said again. “I mean, only a fool would look at him and see anything other than a Pontillian.” She spoke with certainty but turned to Prince for confirmation. “Right?”

Prince smiled and shrugged. “How would I know that?” he said. “I’ve never even been to Discord 11, let alone seen a Pontillian. You’re the caretaker. You’re supposed to know these things.”

“What the hell is a Luvian Debacle?” I asked.

“I DO know these things my Lord, but I’m a perfectionist. I take these things very seriously.”

“You better take these things seriously. We really can’t handle another Luvian Debacle right now.”

I sighed. “You guys are dicks,” I said. Trying to get information out of them was as useless as changing lanes during rush hour. I grabbed the small handheld mirror that rested on the tray beside my examination chair and held it to my face. The sight made me groan. “God help me,” I said.

Lila, Prince, and I were in my war room, or rather a small adjacent chamber reserved for mission prep. After our pleasant story-time session in the common room, and after the Juju made me empty my guts into Poseidon’s fountain (apparently everything on Harmony makes you puke the first time), Lila brought me here to make sure that I looked the part of a miracle worker.

After laughing at my violent reaction to the Juju, Prince told me that it was a necessary discomfort that I had to endure before traveling to certain planets. The 41 worlds that served as Discord all had a breathable atmosphere, but each had it’s own particular microscopic flora and fauna that could prove toxic to Earthling constitutions.

So to avoid to the fate of the American Indian upon exposure to European smallpox, we drank a shot of Juju, another small army of nanomachines that energetically altered my blood chemistry to make me resilient against said infections. It felt ... unsettling, to say the least, but Prince assured me that it became easier over time, just like Traveling.

And then Lila started painting my face. I initially didn’t get why a miracle worker needed to look a certain way, but Prince told me that strangers who show up at remote villages to work miracles were often burned at the stake for witchcraft. So I let her paint my face.

“It requires a certain amount of theatricality,” he explained. “Performing the miracle is important, of course, but your presentation determines whether people see you as a benevolent Christ or a practitioner of dark arts. You don’t want a group of savages thinking you’re a demon. That’s no fun for anyone.”

“A miracle worker has a much greater chance of success if he looks the part,” Lila added, and so she painted tribalistic tattoos all over my face until I looked like a shitty blue-on-yellow Darth Maul.

“Not a good look for me,” I said, examining Lila’s symmetrical designs.

“You’re adorable,” Lila said with a bright smile.

“Anything that won’t get you killed on sight is a good look,” Prince said. “Believe me when I say that you really don’t want...”

“Yeah yeah yeah, the fucking Luvian debacle,” I said. “Let’s just get this over with.” I grimaced at my reflection. It was a cross between a mime and Brandon Lee’s “The Crow,” done up in pastel hues. “I look like a total pussy.”

“You LOOK like a Pontillian priest,” she said. “A harmless, good-natured traveling purveyor of medicine and charity: the kind of person that a village would rather receive graciously than burn alive.”

“That’s very comforting, Lila. Thank you.” I said. “Maybe when I get back, I can paint your face.”

“Unlock me, and I’ll let you paint my face whenever you want,” she said winking, “and not with a brush, either.” She flashed me her perfect white teeth before giving my package an appreciative pat.

“Well, that wasn’t what I meant, but yeah...” I said. “Let’s do that, too.”

Without further provocation, Lila hopped into my lap and lowered herself upon me in an excruciatingly pleasing way. “I’m serious, Duncan. You NEED to unlock me soon. I’ve done nothing but dream about it since you left.” She nuzzled against me and started kissing my neck. She smelled wonderful.

“This is very unprofessional, you know. Does someone require a spanking?” She squealed at the suggestion but Prince stepped closer, took Lila by the waist, and slowly pulled her off of me until her feet slid back to the floor.

“Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet,” he advised. “The second trial generally isn’t too difficult if you can speak loudly and carry yourself well, but then again, the first trial isn’t too difficult either and look how that turned out.”

“Since when is killing three armed men with a sword considered a walk in the park?”

“Three men?” Prince said. He looked at me with an uncertain expression but before he could continue, we were interrupted by another soft chime and the voice of the soft-spoken computer assistant. “Lord Courtney is without, my Lord. Shall I permit him entry?”

“I thought I was Lord Courtney.”

“The other Lord Courtney. Kai, my Lord.”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. Send him in.”

“Back up a second,” Prince said. “You said had to fight three people, not two? Are you sure?”

“Umm, about as sure as possible,” I said. “Unless a tree stabbed me in the gut. Was it supposed to be two?” Prince gave Lila a knowing look.

Lila shrugged innocently. “ ... so the computer has been having a few hiccups lately. It’s just small mistakes here and there. Nothing too serious.”

“Is Rufus aware of this?”

The sliding door to the chamber swooshed open and in walked a tall red-cheeked muscular boy wearing skinny jeans and a grey cotton sweatshirt. It was identical to my own but instead of the word “HERO” written in block letters across the front, his read “COWARD.” Next to him strode a cherubic young girl wearing nothing at all.

“You son of a bitch,” Prince said, seeing the shirt. “You let somebody die.” Kai was breathing heavy and looked pissed off, but he still managed to look ashamed by the remark. “What did you do this time? Slaughter a litter of puppies? Burn an orphanage?”

“Go to hell, Prince. I came here to warn you guys.”

“Warn us?” Prince said. “You know, Duncan could have used a warning last night before you abandoned him on his first mission.” Kai lowered his eyes before looking toward me.

“Sup,” I said. I also noticed that the little naked girl that he brought with him was staring at me so I gave her a “sup” too. Then I began staring at her. Every Harmony girl was beautiful but not all in the same way. This girl seemed younger than most, perhaps to Kai’s preference, but under her smallish breasts, her core was visibly muscled. She was built like an Olympic gymnast, but with tits.

Kai bulled forward. “Why is everyone so butthurt about last night? Jesus! The kid’s obviously fine!” He gestured towards me, and I bristled at being called a kid by someone who must have been close to a decade my junior.

“It’s not about that,” Prince retorted. “It’s the principle of the thing.”

“Look, what’s done is done,” he said. “I’m trying to tell you that something is wrong. The missions are all screwed up.” He glanced at my face. “I’m going with you.”

“The hell you are,” Prince said. “Nuh uh. We gave you your shot and you fucked that up.”

While the two of them went back-and-forth, I focused on the girl. Out of the three, she struck me as the most interesting. “Aren’t you cold?” I asked, observing her rock-hard nipples. She was still staring at me with her adorable Bambi eyes.

“You’re really him, aren’t you?” She asked. “You’re Gloomswallow’s Grandson.”

“I ... umm.” I turned to Lila. “Am I?”

She nodded, laughing. “Yes. Gerald adopted that moniker in his later years.” she circled behind my chair to stand next to the girl. “Hello. I’m Lila Caretaker,” she said, leaning in for a brief hug and a kiss to the cheek. The other girl, much shorter, smiled up at her.

“Hi,” the other said, looking awkward. I’m Piper Caretaker. I’m new. Kai fired his previous caretaker just a few days ago. I’m still a little groggy, despite my Lord’s enthusiastic efforts to wake me up.”

“Sometimes cryo-sickness can last up to a week,” Lila said. “Depends on how long you were under. I only awoke a few days ago myself. After this mission is over, we should get some milk and have a chat.”

“Actually, Lila, I wouldn’t make any plans for at least a few hours after this mission. We’ll have many things to ... discuss.”

She giggled and licked her lips. “Good. Another time then.” Piper nodded.

“Is that what you guys do in-between missions?” I asked. “Sit around playing Mahjong and talking shit about your heroes?”

Lila grinned. “I’ve no complaints with you, yet,” she told me. “You’ll know when I do.” Piper made a face that indicated that she already had a few complaints about her hero, but wasn’t at liberty to discuss them. “What’s Mahjong?”

“It’s like mud wrestling but with baby oil and no clothes, and instead of fighting, you just kiss each other and moan,” I said. “I can give you guys a personal demonstration sometime...”

Piper grinned and shrugged. “Sounds more fun than drinking milk, to be honest.”

“ ... AND ANOTHER THING,” Prince’s rant continued, “Where the fuck are this poor girl’s clothes? Try to show a little bit of class you puck-chasing moosefucker. She’s a person, dude. I get that everything here costs money, but even you ought to have enough to get her a robe or something.” He looked pointedly at the “COWARD” on his shirt. “ ... or did have enough...”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I need more coins. I had to cash out all of them last week and it still wasn’t enough.” Wait, we can cash them out? “Please, man. I need this.” Prince softened but still looked angry. I took the moment to interrupt.

“Hi!” I said loudly, jutting forth my hand for a shake and getting both of their attentions. “I’m Duncan. You are?” Kai looked condescendingly at me and then my hand, like he didn’t know what to make of it. “Shake my hand like a normal human being, or I’m leaving both of you motherfuckers here while I do this myself.” He waited a beat to conserve his pride but then shook it begrudgingly.

“Was that so hard?” I asked. “Christ almighty. There’s a thing called manners.” I turned to Lila. “Are we good to go or whatever? Can we do the thing now?”

“Yes, my Lord,” she responded cordially. “Your window will be open for a further four minutes.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic. Are you little girls ready to do this thing or what?” The little girls looked at me questioningly.

“No, no. Not you girls. I was ... nevermind.” I sighed. “OK ... Go! Begin. Commence Mission.” Lila started laughing. “What do I say?” Prince raised his wrist and jiggled his Traveler at me. Right.

“So I can come?” Kai asked.

“I don’t give a shit,” I said. “I’ve no qualms about puck-chasing moosefuckers either way.” He glowered at me, but fuck that guy. He seemed like a prick. I pressed the bottom button of my Traveler. Whoosh!

I appeared once more in a woodsy area beside a stream that looked like it sprung right from the pages of some Robert Frost poem. I glanced around for two paths converging just to be sure. A few sharp whip cracks later, Prince and Kai stood several feet away. On the ground between us sat three chests. I frowned.

My chest was the same, the stereotypical wooden treasure chest with the tag that read “A small chest of period dress - 1 coin.” This one, however, did have the additional caveat “- Pontillian Priest.” Both of their chests were seven-feet-long steel footlockers emblazoned with the same kind of black stencil lettering that we used on duffel bags in the military. Both read “Standard Complement - Loadout One,” and Prince’s also read “Guardian of the Faith,” beneath it.

We all “warped in” wearing our birthday suits, per usual, and I felt a tiny prick to my pride to notice that they were both rock-solid, built like Greek Gods. I had a decent body, but they made me look like a porker. If I was going to be spending so much time running around naked, I needed to start using that gym in the house ASAP.

... unless I could buy muscles as well as sex and furnishings... I logged the idea for later.

I crouched and opened my chest to reveal a scratchy white robe that looked like a burlap sack with arm holes. Prince kicked open his to reveal a gorgeous silver-inlaid glaive and several pieces of burnished plate armor.

“Oh come one!” I said. “Seriously?” Prince chuckled and even the douchebag smiled. He started unpacking, first donning the cloth and leather layers that are commonly worn underneath all that bling. This just wasn’t fucking fair.

“Where’s my armor?” I said.

“Priests don’t wear armor,” he said. “You shun material possessions and advocate clean simple living. I, on the other hand, am your escort. People tend to mug priests on every world, out of spite as well as greed, so they tend to hire muscle. I am a...” He paused to check his Traveler. He had a cool digital Mark III like Rufus that fed him mission info. I wanted one. “I’m a Grand Adjudicator in service to Mokholoth - The Dreaming God. Apparently, the religious are militant here.”

“Aren’t they militant everywhere?” I joked. I looked over to Kai and saw him strapping what looked a katana over a vest of black leather. His shoulders, chest, and abdomen were also reinforced with plates, though they were much thinner than Prince’s and seemed to be some type of ceramic. All of his gear was a matte black. “What are you supposed to be? Some sort of ninja?”

He stared back daggers but didn’t deign to reply. He turned his back to me, trying to hide the shuriken that he had left to take out. “It’s cool,” I said. “I went through a ninja phase too, right after dinosaurs in kindergarten.”

There were, however, two items common to all three chests. I recognized them from my first mission; a shiny metal wrist-cuff to cover and protect the Traveler, and a chained medallion with a design of a bird on it, wings outstretched. I had seen the same design on Harmony, above the entrance to Courtney House, and I figured it was like a family crest or a designator of some sort. Prince saw me eying it.

“Firebird,” he said, gesturing toward the design. “Every Primus selects an archetypal image to represent his house. Before Gerald was Gloomswallow, he was known as the Phoenix because he liked to dude up his armor with flames like a hot rod. If it seems familiar, it’s because he totally stole the firebird design from Pontiac.” He smiled sadly. “Once he gets time, Rufus will change it to reflect his titles and achievements.”

“What’s his title?” I asked.

“The Iron Dick,” Kai replied.

“Duke,” Prince said. “The Iron Duke.” He’s always favored defense and range over strength or maneuverability, and his Regalia makes him appear almost like he’s constructed of metal, like a golem or something.” He shrugged. “It serves him well, but it’s never been my style.” He swung his glaive around in a few practice twirls, slicing through tall grasses and low hanging branches with razor-like ease.

“When do I get a Regalia?” I asked. “Lemme guess, coins?”

“Your first piece is right there on your wrist,” Prince said. The gauntlet of House Courtney. The inscriptions upon it are far more ancient than your medallion, having been devised by our shared descendent Reginald D’Courtenay in the 9th century. As far as the rest of your regalia is concerned, it costs coins to equip for a mission, but each piece must be earned separately. They all have little “quests,” if you will, that need to be completed for them, sort of like achievements in a video game.”

“Hey grandpa,” Kai said. “ Hate to break up the history lesson, but don’t we have a job to do?”

“Duncan and I have a job to do. You, on the other hand, are to keep quiet and stay hidden. You’ll collect your three coins for participation but you are not to interfere with us or any of the townspeople in any way. Is that clear?” Kai glowered again, insolent prick through and through, and then shut his case, slapping the top of it with his hand. With a crack the footlocker vanished, presumably on it’s way back to Harmony. Prince and I finished getting dressed and followed suit.

At the least, I got a decently comfortable pair of buckskin boots, and good thing too. I’m sure my soft pasty feet with my carefully trimmed toenails would stand out in this time period. My hands, on the other “hand,” might be befitting of a clergyman. After sending off our chests, we started following the stream.

After a short distance, the woods opened up a bit to reveal a well-worn but well-constructed road built of interlocking bricks of a rusty maroon. To the east, the road curved away before disappearing behind a thicket of trees. We instead turned west, toward what appeared to be a small village in the distance. Prince strode beside and slightly behind me, given his station as a bodyguard. Kai followed parallel, a few dozen meters into the treeline so as to stay out of sight.

“So what, exactly, am I supposed to do when we get to this town? We are heading toward that town, correct?

“Correct,” Prince said. He read from his Traveler: “Tragedy has befallen the small fishing village of Foggy Bottom. Wylla, daughter of the municipal chieftain, has suffered an accidental laceration which has fallen victim to gangrenous corruption. The wound is mortal and she will die momentarily.”

“Unless I heal her, though. Right?”

Prince shook his head. “Wrong. Healing a sick girl would be worthwhile, no doubt, but not miraculous. No, Duncan, inspiring a populace into greatness requires more than mere medicine. You’re here to raise the dead.” I raised my eyebrows. Interesting.

“ ... Wylla has been comatose for several days and the good folk of Foggy Bottom have made preparations. Her clansmen have constructed a pyre in the center of town where they will bid her farewell according to the customs of the ancient ones, of Mokholoth - the God we represent.”

“The plot thickens...”

“Indeed. You will arrive before the funeral and will perform a small cursory examination of the situation, and then you’ll raise her from the dead and recite a small speech. In the future, you’ll need to improvise these things but because this is for training purposes, a small monologue has been prepared for you by your Caretaker Lila, who will read it to you directly.”

“Additionally, you have been provided with both the Translator and the Earpiece bio-implants for this mission to familiarize you with their functionality. If you wish to utilize them on further missions though, and you will, you’ll need to purchase them beforehand.”

“Roger,” I said, “but isn’t it a little late to be getting implants?”

“You already got them. You drank them down with your Juju earlier. Millions of microscopic machines are subtly altering your biochemistry as we speak.

“Hiya Dunk!” Lila said. I spun around before immediately feeling foolish. Lila wasn’t there, of course. She was somewhere on Harmony, monitoring us remotely.

“Oh hey sexy,” I said. “What’re you up to?”

“Oh just hanging out playing Mahjong,” she said. “Talking shit about you.” I laughed. “All three of you are connected via the Earpiece and Piper Caretaker and I will be available for any questions that may arise. I will feed you your words when that part comes, and we’re also gonna do some other fun stuff.”

“What fun stuff?” I said, only it didn’t sound like me at all. My voice had changed into a deep rich cross between James Earl Jones and Andrea Bocelli. “Whoa,” I said. “I sound amazing!” I half wanted to drop everything and start singing “The Prayer.”