Before my death, I was called Robert (Bob) Smythe. I was not what you would call a nice person. That is why Saint Peter met me at those Pearly Gates and sent me on my way. What he actually did was to tell me to go through a gilded doorway. Once I crossed the threshold, I was on a slide that rapidly carried me down to Hell. Man was that a scary ride.

My first century in Hell was spent as one of the Tormented. Toward the end of that period, I mentioned a way to increase the number of souls Saint Peter sent down the ‘Slippery Slide to Hell’. My idea was tried and it worked. My reward was to be elevated to the position of Tormentor, Third Class.

During the next two centuries, I received several promotions ending up as one of Hell’s Tormentor Supervisors. My boss, Simon Legree, was the Manager of the Department of New Souls and reported directly to Lucifer. I figured that it would take another millennium or two before my boss would receive a lateral transfer to the Department of Old Souls and I would have a chance at his position.

Christmas was approaching up on the surface and down here things always got busy. The large number of drunk drivers killing themselves and their fellow commuters meant we always had a higher than average monthly intake in the New Souls Department. The Thanksgiving holiday meant Christmas was less than a month away, and Lucifer always in a bad mood during December.

About two weeks before Thanksgiving, Simon called me into his office. This wasn’t too unusual for in the past 50 years, I had become his go-to man for ideas.

“As you know Bob, the big boss is starting to get grumpy and he will continue to get increasingly irate until New Years. We had our quarterly Department Managers meeting last week and the Department Managers have agreed that we really need to find a way to resolve Lucifer’s attitude regarding Christmas Office Parties.”

“I’m not sure what you are talking about Simon. Granted this is one of the Christian religious holidays, but religious holidays are common throughout the year. What with all the different religions, almost every day is a religious holiday up there. Why does Lucifer get so upset about this one holiday?”

“I know you are still a New Soul Bob, so I’m not surprised that you haven’t heard the story for it is rarely mentioned. This goes back to before Lucifer was banned from the surface. He used to go to Christmas Office Parties and recruit new souls by encouraging them to enjoy themselves in activities that they knew were wrong. Lucifer loved to attend those parties. They were the events he looked forward to every year. Since he was banned, he gets very surly at this time of year. As you know, when the boss is surly, it is time to hide.

“What we decided is we need to find something to replace the Christmas Office Parties that Lucifer used to love. I am hoping that you can think of a good replacement for a Christmas Party.”

Two days after Thanksgiving, I knocked on Simon’s office door. Simon motioned me to take a seat while he finished his phone call.

“Morning boss. I have an idea that might work. Let’s have a Christmas Party here in Hell.”

“What? Are you crazy Bob? You know Lucifer’s rules about celebrating religious holidays here in Hell. What are you thinking of?”

“Calm down boss. I know what you are thinking, but it is not like that. I’m not thinking of a religious celebration. What I have in mind is creating our own competing celebration.

“My idea is to have a New Soul Roast. Since we have an overabundance of New Souls at this time of the year, I think we should celebrate our good fortune. We can have a competition where the Department Managers and all of their Supervisors gather around the fire pit and each of them roasts a soul. We can have prizes for the Most Evenly Roasted Soul, the Least-Charred Soul, the Best-Charred Soul, and other categories. There can be food, drink, and entertainment.